Immortal Strength
What does not kill us, makes us stronger.
[Locked to those who know of Immortals, Horsemen and The Village People.]
“Dude, it’s our destiny.”
“Destiny? Cartman, that’s a bunch of shit. We’re in the third grade. We’re not old enough for destinies.”
“Kyle, stop being such a stupid Jew. That’s your fat bitch mother talking. And if I’m right, dude, she isn’t even your real mother. You could have a real Christmas, instead of some piece of shit with a hat.”
“Stop calling my mom a bitch, Cartman! And don’t talk shit about Hankie!”
“I can’t talk about Hankie without talking shit, dude. Not possible.”
Stan stepped in between the boys, and shook his head. “Shut the hell up. Now, look, Cartman, this is crazy. You’re saying that all four of us are…Immortals? That’s fucking nuts, dude!”
Kenny mumbled, and Cartman pushed him into a chair. “We all know you’re already one! Look how many times people killed you, and you just keep coming back. Immortal!”
“Yeah, but he’s had his head chopped off, dude. Explain that!” Kyle loved to poke holes in theories, especially theories that Eric came up with to get out of playing what Kyle wanted to play.
“He’s a new generation Immortal. Don’t you see it, guys? We aren’t some crappy old bunch of long hairs that sit around and talk about the good old days of butt sex with goats and how great it was when they discovered the wheel. We’re the new and improved Immortals. We…us four…we’re the new and improved FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE.” Cartman stood up on the coffee table, which creaked and groaned in protest.
Kenny, Kyle and Stan all exchanged looks, and then busted up laughing.
“Cartman, we can’t be horsemen, dude. We don’t even have horses.” Stan was hoping a little logic might get them back on track for some computer games.
“Well, my mommy used to have a pony she kept in the bedroom, until the city inspector came out and said we weren’t zoned for that. But that’s not important, now. We don’t need horses, asshole, we have bus passes.” Cartman was too far into it to back down over stupid details. He waddled off the table and sat down on the couch. “Okay, so this is the deal. I figure that we’re the new and improved horsemen, right? We’re the younger, better team. We have to take them out, then kill all the other Immortals. But first, we need swords and we need to die…except Kenny.”
“I thought you said we were Immortal? You can’t die.” Stan rolled his eyes. “By the way, where’s the pizza rolls you promised us?”
“We have to die, once, so we can be Immortals. Then we can’t die again unless another Immortal cuts our heads off.” Kenny argued with Cartman, waving his arms around. “That’s different, Kenny, that was a chick. Chick Immortals can’t kill the new and improved Horseman. Only dudes.”
“I’m not allowed to get killed, Cartman. My mom’ll be pissed.”
“Your mom’ll be pissed if you come home with your dick in your hands, Stan. Besides, she’s not really your mom. They found us, in a Cabbage Patch, where all the Immortal Babies get dropped off.”
Kyle scowled. As much as he liked the idea of being able to have a sword and Christmas, he wasn’t sure that being a Horseman was a good idea. “New and improved Horsemen sounds crappy. Some shit they redo sucks balls. Like ‘Dukes of Hazzard’. Or ‘Superman’. Or ‘Starsky and Hutch’. “
“Dude! That’s why we have to be better than those old Horsemen. New and improved. We’ll be faster, stronger, smarter and no blue faces, dude. That shit’s too Vegas, dude. And I know just the way to pay for our plane tickets and motel bills, when we travel.” Cartman leaned forward, with a gleam in his beady eyes. “Endorsements. We get everyone from Gatorade to Ford to sponsor us, dude.”
“Sponsor us? Like athletes?”
“Exactly, dude. We go, coast to coast, and around the world, killing other Immortals. There can be only one, dude. And we scare the fuck outta people. We let my daddy, Denny Crane, do all the contracts. Official Horsemen sneakers. Official Horseman T-shirts, jackets and a whole line of Horseman jeans. Horseman Wheaties boxes! Horseman soda! Horseman Hamburgers! FOUR HORSEMAN HAPPY MEALS! We’re gonna be rich!” Cartman’s on the couch, now, arms in the air, yelling and whooping. “Fly United, the official airline of the Four Horsemen, with enough legroom and sword room for any barbarian!”
“Dude! You can’t take a fucking sword on an airplane! They wouldn’t let my mom take her cuticle scissors.” Kyle stares at Eric, horrified and yet oddly on board.
Cartman’s too into it, yelling and stomping. “CRANE, POOLE and SCHMIDT! The official law firm of the APOCALYSE! The end of the world is coming, do you have your will? The Four Horsemen do!”
Kyle shrugs. Stan stares. Kenny nods. They can’t resist the idea of power, blood and fame. Soon, all three boys join Eric on the couch, dancing and singing, with some nice hand movements.
“Horsey...wanna feel my horsey?
Horsey...such a thrill my horsey
Horsey...wanna touch my horsey?
Horsey...it's too much my Horsey
Check it out my Immortal Horsey.
Don't you doubt my Quickening.
talkin' bout my horsey, fuck yeah,
check it out my horsey.
Every mortal wants to be a macho Horseman
to have the kind of body, always in demand
Fighting in the mornings, go man go
kills Kurgans in the desert, muscles glow
You can best believe that, Cartman’s a true Horseman
ready to get down with, anyone he can
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Immortal horseyman (horse man)
I've got to be, a real horseman
Immortal horseyman
I've got to be the Only One! Ow....
Immortal horseyman (horse man)
I've got to be, a real horseman
Immortal horseyman
I've got to be the Only One! Ow....
Blue paint, not for new horsemen,
Buttsex, love to pop a horseman,
Chicks, love to please a horseman,
Denny, don't you tease an Immortal,
Wendy, you'll adore my sword, bitch,
Horses, make Kyle’s mom’s eyes itch,
Cheezy, are the poofs I eat,
with Denny!
You can tell an old Horseman, he has a sissy walk
his tattoos, paint and leather, always look so gay
Funky smelling body, he's a stink
call him Mister Methos, make him sing
You can best believe that, he's an old Horseman
he’s gonna lose his head, by a new Horseman
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Immortal horseyman (horse man)
I've got to be, a real horseman
Immortal horseyman
I've got to be the Only One! Ow....
Immortal horseyman (horse man)
I've got to be, a real horseman
Immortal horseyman
I've got to be the Only One! Alright!
Every Immortal ought to be a new, improved horseman,
To live a life of freedom, always in demand,
Have their own Nikes and cereals,
Possess the strength and endorsements, life's a steal,
You can best believe that Kenny’s a true Horseman!
He's a special person in any foreign land.
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Immortal horseyman (horse man)
I've got to be, a real horseman
Immortal horseyman
I've got to be the Only One! Ow....”
Kyle stopped dancing, right in the middle of a nice butt wiggle, and looked at Cartman. “Dude! There can be only one! So let’s say we travel around and take the heads of all the other Immortals. Then what? Which one of us gets to be the Only One?”
Stan, Kenny and Kyle all looked at Cartman, who smiled sweetly. “Guys, look, lets just kill the others, first, and rake in some dough. By the time we have to worry about each other, who knows?”
“You fucker! You think you’re gonna be the Only One!” Kyle pushed Eric off the couch.
Pretty soon, the boys were wrestling and hitting, until Cartman’s mom came home and fixed them all pizza rolls and Koolaid. But even as they ate, they eyed each other suspiciously. Bros before hos, maybe. But when it came down to it, only one of them could be the last Immortal standing in The Game. Knowing his destiny was to be that one, Eric felt stronger than he ever had, especially after he farted.
Eric Cartman
South Park
1377 words
[Locked to those who know of Immortals, Horsemen and The Village People.]
“Dude, it’s our destiny.”
“Destiny? Cartman, that’s a bunch of shit. We’re in the third grade. We’re not old enough for destinies.”
“Kyle, stop being such a stupid Jew. That’s your fat bitch mother talking. And if I’m right, dude, she isn’t even your real mother. You could have a real Christmas, instead of some piece of shit with a hat.”
“Stop calling my mom a bitch, Cartman! And don’t talk shit about Hankie!”
“I can’t talk about Hankie without talking shit, dude. Not possible.”
Stan stepped in between the boys, and shook his head. “Shut the hell up. Now, look, Cartman, this is crazy. You’re saying that all four of us are…Immortals? That’s fucking nuts, dude!”
Kenny mumbled, and Cartman pushed him into a chair. “We all know you’re already one! Look how many times people killed you, and you just keep coming back. Immortal!”
“Yeah, but he’s had his head chopped off, dude. Explain that!” Kyle loved to poke holes in theories, especially theories that Eric came up with to get out of playing what Kyle wanted to play.
“He’s a new generation Immortal. Don’t you see it, guys? We aren’t some crappy old bunch of long hairs that sit around and talk about the good old days of butt sex with goats and how great it was when they discovered the wheel. We’re the new and improved Immortals. We…us four…we’re the new and improved FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE.” Cartman stood up on the coffee table, which creaked and groaned in protest.
Kenny, Kyle and Stan all exchanged looks, and then busted up laughing.
“Cartman, we can’t be horsemen, dude. We don’t even have horses.” Stan was hoping a little logic might get them back on track for some computer games.
“Well, my mommy used to have a pony she kept in the bedroom, until the city inspector came out and said we weren’t zoned for that. But that’s not important, now. We don’t need horses, asshole, we have bus passes.” Cartman was too far into it to back down over stupid details. He waddled off the table and sat down on the couch. “Okay, so this is the deal. I figure that we’re the new and improved horsemen, right? We’re the younger, better team. We have to take them out, then kill all the other Immortals. But first, we need swords and we need to die…except Kenny.”
“I thought you said we were Immortal? You can’t die.” Stan rolled his eyes. “By the way, where’s the pizza rolls you promised us?”
“We have to die, once, so we can be Immortals. Then we can’t die again unless another Immortal cuts our heads off.” Kenny argued with Cartman, waving his arms around. “That’s different, Kenny, that was a chick. Chick Immortals can’t kill the new and improved Horseman. Only dudes.”
“I’m not allowed to get killed, Cartman. My mom’ll be pissed.”
“Your mom’ll be pissed if you come home with your dick in your hands, Stan. Besides, she’s not really your mom. They found us, in a Cabbage Patch, where all the Immortal Babies get dropped off.”
Kyle scowled. As much as he liked the idea of being able to have a sword and Christmas, he wasn’t sure that being a Horseman was a good idea. “New and improved Horsemen sounds crappy. Some shit they redo sucks balls. Like ‘Dukes of Hazzard’. Or ‘Superman’. Or ‘Starsky and Hutch’. “
“Dude! That’s why we have to be better than those old Horsemen. New and improved. We’ll be faster, stronger, smarter and no blue faces, dude. That shit’s too Vegas, dude. And I know just the way to pay for our plane tickets and motel bills, when we travel.” Cartman leaned forward, with a gleam in his beady eyes. “Endorsements. We get everyone from Gatorade to Ford to sponsor us, dude.”
“Sponsor us? Like athletes?”
“Exactly, dude. We go, coast to coast, and around the world, killing other Immortals. There can be only one, dude. And we scare the fuck outta people. We let my daddy, Denny Crane, do all the contracts. Official Horsemen sneakers. Official Horseman T-shirts, jackets and a whole line of Horseman jeans. Horseman Wheaties boxes! Horseman soda! Horseman Hamburgers! FOUR HORSEMAN HAPPY MEALS! We’re gonna be rich!” Cartman’s on the couch, now, arms in the air, yelling and whooping. “Fly United, the official airline of the Four Horsemen, with enough legroom and sword room for any barbarian!”
“Dude! You can’t take a fucking sword on an airplane! They wouldn’t let my mom take her cuticle scissors.” Kyle stares at Eric, horrified and yet oddly on board.
Cartman’s too into it, yelling and stomping. “CRANE, POOLE and SCHMIDT! The official law firm of the APOCALYSE! The end of the world is coming, do you have your will? The Four Horsemen do!”
Kyle shrugs. Stan stares. Kenny nods. They can’t resist the idea of power, blood and fame. Soon, all three boys join Eric on the couch, dancing and singing, with some nice hand movements.
“Horsey...wanna feel my horsey?
Horsey...such a thrill my horsey
Horsey...wanna touch my horsey?
Horsey...it's too much my Horsey
Check it out my Immortal Horsey.
Don't you doubt my Quickening.
talkin' bout my horsey, fuck yeah,
check it out my horsey.
Every mortal wants to be a macho Horseman
to have the kind of body, always in demand
Fighting in the mornings, go man go
kills Kurgans in the desert, muscles glow
You can best believe that, Cartman’s a true Horseman
ready to get down with, anyone he can
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Immortal horseyman (horse man)
I've got to be, a real horseman
Immortal horseyman
I've got to be the Only One! Ow....
Immortal horseyman (horse man)
I've got to be, a real horseman
Immortal horseyman
I've got to be the Only One! Ow....
Blue paint, not for new horsemen,
Buttsex, love to pop a horseman,
Chicks, love to please a horseman,
Denny, don't you tease an Immortal,
Wendy, you'll adore my sword, bitch,
Horses, make Kyle’s mom’s eyes itch,
Cheezy, are the poofs I eat,
with Denny!
You can tell an old Horseman, he has a sissy walk
his tattoos, paint and leather, always look so gay
Funky smelling body, he's a stink
call him Mister Methos, make him sing
You can best believe that, he's an old Horseman
he’s gonna lose his head, by a new Horseman
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Immortal horseyman (horse man)
I've got to be, a real horseman
Immortal horseyman
I've got to be the Only One! Ow....
Immortal horseyman (horse man)
I've got to be, a real horseman
Immortal horseyman
I've got to be the Only One! Alright!
Every Immortal ought to be a new, improved horseman,
To live a life of freedom, always in demand,
Have their own Nikes and cereals,
Possess the strength and endorsements, life's a steal,
You can best believe that Kenny’s a true Horseman!
He's a special person in any foreign land.
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Immortal horseyman (horse man)
I've got to be, a real horseman
Immortal horseyman
I've got to be the Only One! Ow....”
Kyle stopped dancing, right in the middle of a nice butt wiggle, and looked at Cartman. “Dude! There can be only one! So let’s say we travel around and take the heads of all the other Immortals. Then what? Which one of us gets to be the Only One?”
Stan, Kenny and Kyle all looked at Cartman, who smiled sweetly. “Guys, look, lets just kill the others, first, and rake in some dough. By the time we have to worry about each other, who knows?”
“You fucker! You think you’re gonna be the Only One!” Kyle pushed Eric off the couch.
Pretty soon, the boys were wrestling and hitting, until Cartman’s mom came home and fixed them all pizza rolls and Koolaid. But even as they ate, they eyed each other suspiciously. Bros before hos, maybe. But when it came down to it, only one of them could be the last Immortal standing in The Game. Knowing his destiny was to be that one, Eric felt stronger than he ever had, especially after he farted.
Eric Cartman
South Park
1377 words