RotM - Hero Part 2 - Dr. Who, The 10 1/2 Incarnation, Saves Torchwood
Two signals were sent. Two heroes were sent for.
One of them was aboard the TARDIS. His tall, lanky frame strode with purpose and determination, with his three companions behind him. There was the lovely Rose Tyler, and her fiance, Lord Byron. And then there was the stunningly beautiful Aislinn.
The TARDIS landed on a hill outside of Cardiff, not three miles from Torchwood Three. As The Doctor and his companions stepped out into the sunlight, British military vehicles pulled up. Prince Harry came up to greet them.
"I thought you were headed to Iraq, Your Highness." The Doctor greeted the young Prince.
"This matter took precedence, Doctor. Dr. We'Evil threatens the security of the entire world, not just the oil supplies." Harry led them down to the command center. "The Prime Minister has gone so far as to reactivate the second team, Doctor. I'm sorry. I know how you feel about your son..."
"SON?!" Rose, Aislinn and Byron all spoke in unison, turning their heads to look at the Doctor, who was uncharacteristically flabbergasted. Truly nonplussed.
"Your Highness, you can't be serious. There's no need for such an extreme measure." The Doctor was trying to think fast, trying to find a way to stop the Oncoming Mini-storm.
"You have a son? I thought you said you were sterile." Rose and Byron were both asking the same questions, but were interrupted when lightening and thunder crashed across the sky.
Suddenly, a blue portable toilet, the kind they use at construction sites and rock festivals, flew from the sky, zigging and zagging until it crashed and landed next to the TARDIS. Everyone recoiled in horror at the stench emanating from the time machine.
"What is that?" Aislinn held her nose and gasped.
"The TURDIS." The Doctor was quiet, now that he saw there was no way to avoid the inevitable arrival of the ten and a halfth Doctor. "He's here. My boy is really...here."
"Yes, Doctor. We had to send all the way to South Park, but we've brought your son here to help you fight Dr. We'Evil, save Torchwood Three and it's team, and save the world."
The door opened, with steam, glowing lights, and toilet paper streamers. In a dapper suit, with a long, black hooded cloak, one person stepped out to the ooh's, ahhh's and groans of the assembled soldiers. He waddled down the path, until he was standing in front of The Doctor.
"Father..." Cartman keeps his hands clasp before him, completely calm.
The Doctor pales considerably, but he looked down at the boy in front of him. "The Prince has been expecting you."
"I know, Father." Cartman nodded, wisely. All knowing. As only a Jedi Junior Time Lord can.
"So, you have accepted the truth?" He seemed both sad and nauseated.
"I have accepted that you were once Vanilla Ice Cartman, my father." Another wise nod, and a sigh.
"That name no longer has any meaning for me!" The Doctor yelled, his hand going up to run through his hair and a gesture both sad and scene stealing. Then his voice softened, and he tentatively asked the question he was afraid to hear the answer to. "And your mother? Is she still..."
"Trading blow jobs at the truck stop on Route 60 for for some Oreos and 80's CD's? Yeah. She is. But she asks about you a lot, says no one could rim..."
"Well, right, then. We should get going. Dr. We'Evil and all that." The Doctor turned and took Aislinn's face between his hands to gently kiss her goodbye. Then he stepped over to Rose, and gently took her face in his hands, and softly kissed her goodbye. Last, he took Byron's face gently in his hands, and licked up his cheek.
"Oh, fucking hell, can we go now? Saving the world and all that? Fuck!" Cartman trudged off towards Torchwood, his cloak floating majestically in the Cardiff fog. "Goddamn commune hippies."
The Doctor didn't glance back at his friends and lovers, as he ran to keep up with his son. Captain Jack Harkess was in there. Waiting. Breathless. Likely tied down to a piece of furniture.
It was time to save the world. Father and son. Together. Again. For the first time.
They had to knock out two inept and sensitive guards, in order to get into Torchwood Three. It was indeed lucky for them that Cartman had eaten Taco Bell for lunch.
But inside, they hid and looked at the scene before them. Jack Harkness was, indeed, being tortured by Dr. We'Evil and his dastardly band of Fem We'Evils. Nothing in this incarnation could have possibly prepared The Doctor for the horror he was witnessing. Jack was dressed in the same pink babydoll and high heels that the Fem We'Evils wore, and he was giving Number Two a lapdance, to the sounds of ABBA's Dancing Queen.
It was beyond cruel. And that steeled Cartman's resolve in one thing. No matter what happened, he was going to do something about shaving his happy trail when he grew up. It also pissed him off.
"What weapons have you got, Dad?" Cartman whispered, using a bit of the Force.
"I forgot my machine gun. But I have a sonic screwdriver! Brilliant?" He held the item up with a smile.
"SCREWDRIVER? SONIC SCREWDRIVER? What the fuck are you gonna do with that? Join Habitat for Humanity and build them a two bedroom Craftsman in the Gulf Coast? How the fuck have you...never mind." Cartman pulled out his light saber, rolling his eyes. "Just follow me. I guess you can screw any weevil I miss with my saber."
They crept in, carefully and quiet, which wasn't hard because Jack really knew how to shake his moneymaker, keeping everyone distracted. In no time, they had most of the Fem We'Evils neutralized and tied up. Their sonic gun nipples were taped over.
And then, finally, they were ready to take on...Dr. We'Evil. But Mini Wee saw them first, and let out a squeal of outrage, charging at the Doctor, for a head butt to the nuts. Now, it doesn't really matter if you're an Earth guy, or a 950 year old alien Time Lord. A head butt to the pills is going to hurt. A lot.
Over the screams of the Doctor, and the sound of Swedish pop, Cartman lit up his lightsaber with a rebel yell. "You bitches hurt my Doctor Daddy! Now you die!"
It was bloody. Weevil bitches bleed like you wouldn't believe. It was only with the Tenth Doctor and Ten and a Halfth Doctor stood united before Dr. We'Evil and Mini We along with Captain Jack Harkness, who managed those stripper heels with the same offhand cool that he handled everything else, that the evil weevil seemed to understand the enormity of his mistake. Naturally, in the face of the oncoming storm, and having his bitch ass whipped, Dr. We'Evil folded like a house of cards in an earthquake.
But Mini Wee kept up the fight, kicking and screaming like his ass was on fire. It was time for Eric Cartman to show his legacy. It was time to use the wisdom that hundreds of years of Time Lords had gained. One eyebrow cocked, Cartman turned off his lightsaber, and strode up to the weevil midget, and headbutted him. It was by using his head that Cartman was able to prevent the destruction of the planet. Obi Wan would be proud. Yoda would be pleased. Mulder would die if he could see this shit.
Back outside, they all stood in the night that was eerily lit up by the lights of the police cars. Aislinn and Rose hugged the Doctor with relief. Byron hugged Jack with relief mixed with something more, most likely because of the outfit. Eric Cartman smiled, nodding, and walked slowly towards the TURDIS. He didn't need a parade, or rewards, or congratulations sex. His reward for his heroic actions was the knowledge that he had joined with his long lost dad to save humanity. Well, that and the book rights. We'll see who even thinks about that Potter guy, once he sells the rights to this shit.
Heroes are often born to their roles. No matter if they were created in the back room of a intergalactic whore house after too much wine and the best blow job in twelve systems. The Doctor looked up over the heads of the two women, and saw his son walking into his time machine/portapotty. There was no small amount of pride on his face as he waved goodbye.
"That's my brilliant boy." The Doctor murmured, as the TURDIS lifted up to the heavens, on it's way back to South Park.
One of them was aboard the TARDIS. His tall, lanky frame strode with purpose and determination, with his three companions behind him. There was the lovely Rose Tyler, and her fiance, Lord Byron. And then there was the stunningly beautiful Aislinn.
The TARDIS landed on a hill outside of Cardiff, not three miles from Torchwood Three. As The Doctor and his companions stepped out into the sunlight, British military vehicles pulled up. Prince Harry came up to greet them.
"I thought you were headed to Iraq, Your Highness." The Doctor greeted the young Prince.
"This matter took precedence, Doctor. Dr. We'Evil threatens the security of the entire world, not just the oil supplies." Harry led them down to the command center. "The Prime Minister has gone so far as to reactivate the second team, Doctor. I'm sorry. I know how you feel about your son..."
"SON?!" Rose, Aislinn and Byron all spoke in unison, turning their heads to look at the Doctor, who was uncharacteristically flabbergasted. Truly nonplussed.
"Your Highness, you can't be serious. There's no need for such an extreme measure." The Doctor was trying to think fast, trying to find a way to stop the Oncoming Mini-storm.
"You have a son? I thought you said you were sterile." Rose and Byron were both asking the same questions, but were interrupted when lightening and thunder crashed across the sky.
Suddenly, a blue portable toilet, the kind they use at construction sites and rock festivals, flew from the sky, zigging and zagging until it crashed and landed next to the TARDIS. Everyone recoiled in horror at the stench emanating from the time machine.
"What is that?" Aislinn held her nose and gasped.
"The TURDIS." The Doctor was quiet, now that he saw there was no way to avoid the inevitable arrival of the ten and a halfth Doctor. "He's here. My boy is really...here."
"Yes, Doctor. We had to send all the way to South Park, but we've brought your son here to help you fight Dr. We'Evil, save Torchwood Three and it's team, and save the world."
The door opened, with steam, glowing lights, and toilet paper streamers. In a dapper suit, with a long, black hooded cloak, one person stepped out to the ooh's, ahhh's and groans of the assembled soldiers. He waddled down the path, until he was standing in front of The Doctor.
"Father..." Cartman keeps his hands clasp before him, completely calm.
The Doctor pales considerably, but he looked down at the boy in front of him. "The Prince has been expecting you."
"I know, Father." Cartman nodded, wisely. All knowing. As only a Jedi Junior Time Lord can.
"So, you have accepted the truth?" He seemed both sad and nauseated.
"I have accepted that you were once Vanilla Ice Cartman, my father." Another wise nod, and a sigh.
"That name no longer has any meaning for me!" The Doctor yelled, his hand going up to run through his hair and a gesture both sad and scene stealing. Then his voice softened, and he tentatively asked the question he was afraid to hear the answer to. "And your mother? Is she still..."
"Trading blow jobs at the truck stop on Route 60 for for some Oreos and 80's CD's? Yeah. She is. But she asks about you a lot, says no one could rim..."
"Well, right, then. We should get going. Dr. We'Evil and all that." The Doctor turned and took Aislinn's face between his hands to gently kiss her goodbye. Then he stepped over to Rose, and gently took her face in his hands, and softly kissed her goodbye. Last, he took Byron's face gently in his hands, and licked up his cheek.
"Oh, fucking hell, can we go now? Saving the world and all that? Fuck!" Cartman trudged off towards Torchwood, his cloak floating majestically in the Cardiff fog. "Goddamn commune hippies."
The Doctor didn't glance back at his friends and lovers, as he ran to keep up with his son. Captain Jack Harkess was in there. Waiting. Breathless. Likely tied down to a piece of furniture.
It was time to save the world. Father and son. Together. Again. For the first time.
They had to knock out two inept and sensitive guards, in order to get into Torchwood Three. It was indeed lucky for them that Cartman had eaten Taco Bell for lunch.
But inside, they hid and looked at the scene before them. Jack Harkness was, indeed, being tortured by Dr. We'Evil and his dastardly band of Fem We'Evils. Nothing in this incarnation could have possibly prepared The Doctor for the horror he was witnessing. Jack was dressed in the same pink babydoll and high heels that the Fem We'Evils wore, and he was giving Number Two a lapdance, to the sounds of ABBA's Dancing Queen.
It was beyond cruel. And that steeled Cartman's resolve in one thing. No matter what happened, he was going to do something about shaving his happy trail when he grew up. It also pissed him off.
"What weapons have you got, Dad?" Cartman whispered, using a bit of the Force.
"I forgot my machine gun. But I have a sonic screwdriver! Brilliant?" He held the item up with a smile.
"SCREWDRIVER? SONIC SCREWDRIVER? What the fuck are you gonna do with that? Join Habitat for Humanity and build them a two bedroom Craftsman in the Gulf Coast? How the fuck have you...never mind." Cartman pulled out his light saber, rolling his eyes. "Just follow me. I guess you can screw any weevil I miss with my saber."
They crept in, carefully and quiet, which wasn't hard because Jack really knew how to shake his moneymaker, keeping everyone distracted. In no time, they had most of the Fem We'Evils neutralized and tied up. Their sonic gun nipples were taped over.
And then, finally, they were ready to take on...Dr. We'Evil. But Mini Wee saw them first, and let out a squeal of outrage, charging at the Doctor, for a head butt to the nuts. Now, it doesn't really matter if you're an Earth guy, or a 950 year old alien Time Lord. A head butt to the pills is going to hurt. A lot.
Over the screams of the Doctor, and the sound of Swedish pop, Cartman lit up his lightsaber with a rebel yell. "You bitches hurt my Doctor Daddy! Now you die!"
It was bloody. Weevil bitches bleed like you wouldn't believe. It was only with the Tenth Doctor and Ten and a Halfth Doctor stood united before Dr. We'Evil and Mini We along with Captain Jack Harkness, who managed those stripper heels with the same offhand cool that he handled everything else, that the evil weevil seemed to understand the enormity of his mistake. Naturally, in the face of the oncoming storm, and having his bitch ass whipped, Dr. We'Evil folded like a house of cards in an earthquake.
But Mini Wee kept up the fight, kicking and screaming like his ass was on fire. It was time for Eric Cartman to show his legacy. It was time to use the wisdom that hundreds of years of Time Lords had gained. One eyebrow cocked, Cartman turned off his lightsaber, and strode up to the weevil midget, and headbutted him. It was by using his head that Cartman was able to prevent the destruction of the planet. Obi Wan would be proud. Yoda would be pleased. Mulder would die if he could see this shit.
Back outside, they all stood in the night that was eerily lit up by the lights of the police cars. Aislinn and Rose hugged the Doctor with relief. Byron hugged Jack with relief mixed with something more, most likely because of the outfit. Eric Cartman smiled, nodding, and walked slowly towards the TURDIS. He didn't need a parade, or rewards, or congratulations sex. His reward for his heroic actions was the knowledge that he had joined with his long lost dad to save humanity. Well, that and the book rights. We'll see who even thinks about that Potter guy, once he sells the rights to this shit.
Heroes are often born to their roles. No matter if they were created in the back room of a intergalactic whore house after too much wine and the best blow job in twelve systems. The Doctor looked up over the heads of the two women, and saw his son walking into his time machine/portapotty. There was no small amount of pride on his face as he waved goodbye.
"That's my brilliant boy." The Doctor murmured, as the TURDIS lifted up to the heavens, on it's way back to South Park.