I don't understand why so many words want to come out of me on this subject. They increase rather than decrease in volume. I'll try to put as many of them as I can, in obliquer forms, into my novel instead, which I am finally working on again, quite productively. But in a reverse of that equation, someone else's words:

( Time Does Not Bring Relief: You All Have Lied - Edna St. Vincent Millay )

Katie got me a bit stoned last night after work, and when she went to bed I sat there alone with my beer and I fancied I felt your presence across the table from me. I almost wrote you to tell you, but I know you don't like it when I say things like that. But I'm going to keep feeling it.

In the end I didn't say any of the things I meant to say. I was half-awake from 5 o'clock this morning with bad dreams that he wouldn't say goodbye at all, after he didn't call back yesterday on his way back through Cambridge. Then at 7.30 am I heard him say my name outside my bedroom window. I went out to let him in; I was half-stunned with sleep ( Read more... )

More goodbyes last night, after my last shift at Wagamama. I never thought walking away from that place would actually be at all melancholy. I had a couple drinks with Milena at the bar next door and got a round on the house from the bartender, and two of the Brazilian cooks dropped by to say goodbye. Edimar's brother died a few weeks ago and he's ( Read more... )

I wish people wouldn't treat my feelings about M, and my grief, like they were an embarrassing disease. The irony is that so far the only person who has made me feel safe enough to let go about it with them has been Antonio; he's been the only one who has told me he understands, that he knows I love my friend, and that it's okay to have these ( Read more... )

When he got home yesterday I didn't want to see him because I felt like I was about to burst into tears, but his relentless cheerfulness snapped me out of it. He asked for music he could burn and it gave me the chance to give him the mix CD I made him, so we put it on and dragged all our respective stuff into the living room to start packing it up ( Read more... )

I don't like it anymore. I don't even know yet if he's going tomorrow or in a few days; I just know I want it to end now. It's too painful and draining all of a sudden. I know I'll never understand what happened between us (or maybe I should say among the three of us). I'm better off within myself now than I was when we met, and that's got to be ( Read more... )

Oh fuck, I've just had a spontaneous wee cry at the thought that he's leaving in three weeks. I wasn't expecting that, quite. I could have easily gone on but I had to stop myself because Antonio was going to be home soon, and then I'd have to explain it. God...

I love a lot of things these days, I get excited. Red wine and pot in bed after work, then walking through beautiful quiet streets behind my house with Antonio under the half-moon. Music. People on the T; the beautiful blue-haired girl that stared at me on my way home yesterday. Sitting on a couch on the sidewalk with M at midnight, and his lovely ( Read more... )

Inman Square is beautiful at midday, a cool bright July, blue, crisp; at midnight I walk down Lee Street past the expansive Victorians and brick sidewalks with someone I love, who doesn't know it. I love being in the jewelled, secluded heart of Cambridge. I love it when, in the middle of our drunk laughing argument that I started, I tell him he's ( Read more... )