Fractured Life, due South FanFic
TITLE: Fractured Life
RATING: PG-13 (for language only)
WORD COUNT: ~1300
CHARACTERS: Ray Kowalski (background Kowalski/Stella and possible Kowalski/Fraser...if you wanna read it that way...)
WARNINGS: Angst. A few bad words.
SUMMARY: In which Ray suffers a crisis of identity.
AO3 Link | Master Fic List
Disclaimer: I own a set of the DVDs, but that's as far as my ownership extends. None of these characters are mine.
Author's Note: This was meant to be comment fic for slartibartfast's request of Ray Kowalski angst. Somewhere along the way it surpassed the 1000 word count and I thought "I don't think this is comment fic anymore..." It's still comment fic in spirit?
-----------------------------
He’d spent most of his life being someone other than himself. Ever since that fateful moment with Stella in the bank, when a young Stanley Raymond Kowalski had discovered how great it was to pretend to be something he wasn’t. He’d had people encourage him to be himself (all except his father, who apparently had Ray’s life all planned out for him), but Ray learned early on the way to get what he truly wanted (the friends, the girl, the job) was to be someone else entirely.
He got pulled into the undercover thing by accident. He was still just a beat cop back then, freshly married to Stella, still working out exactly how to balance being both who his wife and his boss wanted him to be. Narcotics had been planning the operation for months and the day the whole thing was supposed to kick off the detective meant to go under was admitted to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. It was pure, random coincidence that Ray happened to match the detective’s general build (with a little hair dye and a wardrobe adjustment, they were practically body doubles).
Ray fell in love with it. What he’d learned to do habitually out of necessity became a game. Trick a drug dealer on week; infiltrate a gambling ring the next. Ray was a natural; everyone said so. He became one of the most sought after UCs in CPD. The fact he genuinely enjoyed doing it let him rise quickly within the department.
He’d thought he was living the perfect life; perfect job, perfect wife. But the more time he spent pretending on the job, the more he forgot to pretend at home. The real Ray Kowalski was nowhere near as suave and interesting as the Ray Kowalski he’d built up for the world to see. Stella didn’t understand it; he was no longer the man she’d married. She blamed the undercover work, said it was turning him into a man she couldn’t relate to anymore (Ray couldn’t figure out how to tell her he was only showing more of the man he’d truly always been). She begged him to quit, to stop the undercover work. He loved her too much not to.
Problem was, the real Ray Kowalski had already slipped out; Stella had seen his defects and she’d never been one to forget the details. So even while Ray settled into a nice, normal detective position, it wasn’t enough for his wife. Stella wanted the man she’d married and Ray just couldn’t figure out how to bring that man back.
After the divorce, it really wasn’t a surprise that Ray took the first undercover gig offered him. ‘Ray Kowalski’ had failed him and he was suddenly very eager to be anyone but himself.
It would’ve worked, too, if it hadn’t been for Benton (fucking) Fraser. The man got under Ray’s skin, in every possible way. He poked and prodded and practically demanded the very best from Ray. It tore at him, trying to be Ray Vecchio, Ray Kowalski, and this perfect hero Fraser wanted him to be all at the same time. He wasn’t sure he was capable of fully being any one of them anymore. He was just this...thing floating around in limbo.
And then Ray Vecchio came back. Logically, Ray figured it should have made things easier: one less set of rules and characteristics he had to remember. Instead of feeling relief, however, Ray Kowalski just felt so very lost.
“Ray. Ray. Ray...” Ray snapped out of his thoughts and looked away from the depths of the campfire to blink owlishly at Fraser. He loved the man, in so many ways, he just couldn’t quite figure out which part of himself Fraser seemed to want around.
“Yeah, Frase?” he asked quietly. His partner was frowning at him, an expression on his face Ray couldn’t fully read in the flickering firelight.
“I suggested we head slightly northeast tomorrow,” Fraser told him. “There’s a small village not far from here where I have some friends I’ve been meaning to visit for several years now. I’m sure they’d love to meet you, as well.” They were only three days into this ridiculous Quest of theirs and Ray was already wondering what the hell he’d gotten himself into. Who was he even supposed to be!?
It wasn’t until Fraser moved fractionally closer to him and said softly, “Stanley Raymond Kowalski,” that Ray realized he’s asked that question aloud. Ray felt his face flush, even beyond the rosiness provided by the climate. He looked away from Fraser, pushing at his empty tin plate with his foot where it sat in the snow.
“Ray,” Fraser said again. Ray thought he recognized that tone; it was the tone most cops (the good ones, at least) adopted when they were about to ask a vic a difficult question. Ray couldn’t even count the number of times he’d used it himself.
“I’m not good at this,” Ray said quickly, before Fraser could repeat his name. He glanced over at the mountie to see what looked like another frown.
“Not good at what, Ray?” he asked.
“Just...” Ray sighed and looked away again. “You want your friends to meet me, right?”
“Yes, Ray. I think they’d genuinely enjoy your company.” Ray looked to Fraser to see an earnest expression on his face.
“But who do you think they’d like meeting?” Ray asked him. Fraser’s frown deepened.
“I’m not sure I understand the question.”
“I’ve been undercover a long time, Fraser. I’m not always the same person...” Kowalski stared into the fire again.
“You were very bad at being Ray Vecchio,” Fraser spoke up after a long moment of silence. Ray looked over at him in surprise (Fraser usually at least tried to be more diplomatic in his criticism). “However, you were also very good at distracting everyone from his absence. No one wondered where the real Ray Vecchio was because you commanded their attention. I’ve spent a great deal of time admiring that skill.” Ray felt himself blush again. “You’re an excellent detective, Ray. More importantly, you’re a good man. Whatever other inconsistencies may exist in your behavior, I know you are a good man.” Fraser had moved as he spoke and Ray nearly jumped as he realized Fraser was suddenly sitting on the same log he was, sitting close enough their shoulders brushed together.
Ray stared at his partner, his friend, for a long moment. Mounties never lie, echoed through his head. “I haven’t been myself in awhile,” Ray said quietly, deciding maybe he should be a bit more honest. He was surprised when the mittened hand landed on his shoulder, giving it a faint squeeze.
“You are Stanley Raymond Kowalski, a good man, and my friend,” Fraser told him firmly. It took Ray a moment before he smiled, remembering a similar conversation from not so long ago.
“Was that hard to say?” he asked. Fraser returned the smile and gave his shoulder another squeeze.
“Not in the least,” he promised, echoing the words Ray wanted to hear. Ray took a deep breath and looked to the fire again.
“So, how far is this village exactly?” he asked. Fraser eagerly jumped into a description of the terrain and how long, approximately, it would take them to get from Point A to Point B. Ray let him drone on, ignoring the words in favor of letting Fraser’s voice wash over him. Fraser’s hand stayed on Ray’s shoulder and the warmth at his side kept Ray grounded as he considered the possibility that maybe all he really needed to be was the man Benton Fraser had faith he already was.
/end
RATING: PG-13 (for language only)
WORD COUNT: ~1300
CHARACTERS: Ray Kowalski (background Kowalski/Stella and possible Kowalski/Fraser...if you wanna read it that way...)
WARNINGS: Angst. A few bad words.
SUMMARY: In which Ray suffers a crisis of identity.
AO3 Link | Master Fic List
Disclaimer: I own a set of the DVDs, but that's as far as my ownership extends. None of these characters are mine.
Author's Note: This was meant to be comment fic for slartibartfast's request of Ray Kowalski angst. Somewhere along the way it surpassed the 1000 word count and I thought "I don't think this is comment fic anymore..." It's still comment fic in spirit?
-----------------------------
He’d spent most of his life being someone other than himself. Ever since that fateful moment with Stella in the bank, when a young Stanley Raymond Kowalski had discovered how great it was to pretend to be something he wasn’t. He’d had people encourage him to be himself (all except his father, who apparently had Ray’s life all planned out for him), but Ray learned early on the way to get what he truly wanted (the friends, the girl, the job) was to be someone else entirely.
He got pulled into the undercover thing by accident. He was still just a beat cop back then, freshly married to Stella, still working out exactly how to balance being both who his wife and his boss wanted him to be. Narcotics had been planning the operation for months and the day the whole thing was supposed to kick off the detective meant to go under was admitted to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. It was pure, random coincidence that Ray happened to match the detective’s general build (with a little hair dye and a wardrobe adjustment, they were practically body doubles).
Ray fell in love with it. What he’d learned to do habitually out of necessity became a game. Trick a drug dealer on week; infiltrate a gambling ring the next. Ray was a natural; everyone said so. He became one of the most sought after UCs in CPD. The fact he genuinely enjoyed doing it let him rise quickly within the department.
He’d thought he was living the perfect life; perfect job, perfect wife. But the more time he spent pretending on the job, the more he forgot to pretend at home. The real Ray Kowalski was nowhere near as suave and interesting as the Ray Kowalski he’d built up for the world to see. Stella didn’t understand it; he was no longer the man she’d married. She blamed the undercover work, said it was turning him into a man she couldn’t relate to anymore (Ray couldn’t figure out how to tell her he was only showing more of the man he’d truly always been). She begged him to quit, to stop the undercover work. He loved her too much not to.
Problem was, the real Ray Kowalski had already slipped out; Stella had seen his defects and she’d never been one to forget the details. So even while Ray settled into a nice, normal detective position, it wasn’t enough for his wife. Stella wanted the man she’d married and Ray just couldn’t figure out how to bring that man back.
After the divorce, it really wasn’t a surprise that Ray took the first undercover gig offered him. ‘Ray Kowalski’ had failed him and he was suddenly very eager to be anyone but himself.
It would’ve worked, too, if it hadn’t been for Benton (fucking) Fraser. The man got under Ray’s skin, in every possible way. He poked and prodded and practically demanded the very best from Ray. It tore at him, trying to be Ray Vecchio, Ray Kowalski, and this perfect hero Fraser wanted him to be all at the same time. He wasn’t sure he was capable of fully being any one of them anymore. He was just this...thing floating around in limbo.
And then Ray Vecchio came back. Logically, Ray figured it should have made things easier: one less set of rules and characteristics he had to remember. Instead of feeling relief, however, Ray Kowalski just felt so very lost.
“Ray. Ray. Ray...” Ray snapped out of his thoughts and looked away from the depths of the campfire to blink owlishly at Fraser. He loved the man, in so many ways, he just couldn’t quite figure out which part of himself Fraser seemed to want around.
“Yeah, Frase?” he asked quietly. His partner was frowning at him, an expression on his face Ray couldn’t fully read in the flickering firelight.
“I suggested we head slightly northeast tomorrow,” Fraser told him. “There’s a small village not far from here where I have some friends I’ve been meaning to visit for several years now. I’m sure they’d love to meet you, as well.” They were only three days into this ridiculous Quest of theirs and Ray was already wondering what the hell he’d gotten himself into. Who was he even supposed to be!?
It wasn’t until Fraser moved fractionally closer to him and said softly, “Stanley Raymond Kowalski,” that Ray realized he’s asked that question aloud. Ray felt his face flush, even beyond the rosiness provided by the climate. He looked away from Fraser, pushing at his empty tin plate with his foot where it sat in the snow.
“Ray,” Fraser said again. Ray thought he recognized that tone; it was the tone most cops (the good ones, at least) adopted when they were about to ask a vic a difficult question. Ray couldn’t even count the number of times he’d used it himself.
“I’m not good at this,” Ray said quickly, before Fraser could repeat his name. He glanced over at the mountie to see what looked like another frown.
“Not good at what, Ray?” he asked.
“Just...” Ray sighed and looked away again. “You want your friends to meet me, right?”
“Yes, Ray. I think they’d genuinely enjoy your company.” Ray looked to Fraser to see an earnest expression on his face.
“But who do you think they’d like meeting?” Ray asked him. Fraser’s frown deepened.
“I’m not sure I understand the question.”
“I’ve been undercover a long time, Fraser. I’m not always the same person...” Kowalski stared into the fire again.
“You were very bad at being Ray Vecchio,” Fraser spoke up after a long moment of silence. Ray looked over at him in surprise (Fraser usually at least tried to be more diplomatic in his criticism). “However, you were also very good at distracting everyone from his absence. No one wondered where the real Ray Vecchio was because you commanded their attention. I’ve spent a great deal of time admiring that skill.” Ray felt himself blush again. “You’re an excellent detective, Ray. More importantly, you’re a good man. Whatever other inconsistencies may exist in your behavior, I know you are a good man.” Fraser had moved as he spoke and Ray nearly jumped as he realized Fraser was suddenly sitting on the same log he was, sitting close enough their shoulders brushed together.
Ray stared at his partner, his friend, for a long moment. Mounties never lie, echoed through his head. “I haven’t been myself in awhile,” Ray said quietly, deciding maybe he should be a bit more honest. He was surprised when the mittened hand landed on his shoulder, giving it a faint squeeze.
“You are Stanley Raymond Kowalski, a good man, and my friend,” Fraser told him firmly. It took Ray a moment before he smiled, remembering a similar conversation from not so long ago.
“Was that hard to say?” he asked. Fraser returned the smile and gave his shoulder another squeeze.
“Not in the least,” he promised, echoing the words Ray wanted to hear. Ray took a deep breath and looked to the fire again.
“So, how far is this village exactly?” he asked. Fraser eagerly jumped into a description of the terrain and how long, approximately, it would take them to get from Point A to Point B. Ray let him drone on, ignoring the words in favor of letting Fraser’s voice wash over him. Fraser’s hand stayed on Ray’s shoulder and the warmth at his side kept Ray grounded as he considered the possibility that maybe all he really needed to be was the man Benton Fraser had faith he already was.
/end