Shouldn't be so hard

[beige_alert]

There are some anti-street-harassment videos circulating at the moment, and you know what they say about reading the comments. Yeah.  That

Comments

[randomdreams]

I have reluctantly but entirely given up any sort of compliments to people I don't know, for these reasons. I cannot tell when my compliment will come across as creepy.

[jaelle_n_gilla]

Wow - thank you for that awesome, thoughtful post. I'm usually not a sensitive person. I am old enough and well rooted in my personality and sexuality that a few wolf whistles and comments won't faze me. But there is a fine line between a nice comment, flirting, and sexual harassment and unfortunately every person has their own perception of where that line is

[beige_alert]

I actually do recommend the kilt experiment. I think there is a pretty big population of basically stereotypical appearing/acting straight cis white men who have literally never, ever, been on the receiving end of this sort of thing. I wasn't, for a long long time. It's eye-opening. Not just drunk women saying stuff. Also being very conscious that you are being conspicuously unusual and hoping you don't encounter someone who wants to make too big a fuss about it. And the wide range of the non-obnoxious comments, from friends and strangers, which is really an education in how easy it is to stray from the completely nice to the relatively awkward.

[catsittingstill]

For me it depends on the location. If I'm at a convention, and I see someone who has obviously made an effort with their hall costume, or masquerade costume, I'm likely to say "Wow, nice outfit!" I have occasionally said "wow, how did you get the jaws of the mask to move when you talk? That's great!" or something like that.

But the point of the compliment is to make people happy; if I make someone uncomfortable, I've failed. And as a woman, I've been socialized to stay well away from expressing sexual feelings in public, so that's one whole avenue of creepiness I avoid.

[beige_alert]

Context is a big thing. Dressed up, whether in elaborate costume or just something far more unusual than one would typically throw on in the morning, at a social gathering, some comments are quite expected. The thing that I've found sort of odd is wearing the least unusual part of that outfit in my icon, the boots, along with plain old blue jeans and a boring shirt. Sure, they're fancy boots, but look around, probably twenty percent of the people are wearing boots at least as fancy. Granted, very few of them are men, so, yes, I get that, but still, they're just boots. Memorably, once I was in the toothpaste aisle at the drug store, picking out a toothbrush, and someone asked me about my footwear. It just seemed out of context. Not particularly disturbing, but of course for me I can just put "normal" shoes on with the jeans and gray shirt and I guarantee that everyone will go back to ignoring me. If I got that sort of thing on a regular basis any time I was out in public no matter what I did, it would get old mighty fast as a

[catalana]

Thank you for getting it (even if I'm really sorry that you've had to experience harassment of this sort. That's not cool.)

[beige_alert]

I'm always quick to note that the male privilege is generally still in effect even when I'm being made uncomfortable. Obviously, I can and sometimes do feel unsafe, but in these situations I'm describing I had no fear for my physical safety. It's been somewhat surprising to me just how uncomfortable some situations have been given a conspicuous absence of fear. I'm very aware that even just a bit of fear would make a big difference.

[barbarakitten_t]

This is why I love you, Michael, and why you will always be the Amazing M to me.