(no subject)
I can't have - how could I - I was
I was everything I fight and the most appalling part is that I almost miss it. Just enough to make me loathe myself.
The control, the absolute control to forcibly make things better. The ability to push emotions aside and simply do what I felt must be done. Being responsible for no single individual. The beautiful, terrible freedom.
Him.
He was in his last proper incarnation, before - he wasn't quite as mad, quite as destructive. At the time, of course, it didn't seem he could be any worse, and then came Gallifrey, and Traken, and Logopolis.
And I wanted him back, just as I'd wanted the boy who'd been my friend. We could still work side by side, then; sometimes I'd swear he engineered it. He didn't kill quite so cavalierly. There were still traces, beneath the lust for power and devastation, of the man I
Well. Now I know how I could have stopped it, saved him at least from falling further still.
By falling to his side.
I didn't enjoy the violence, of course, not as he did, and I was a restraining influence, for the most part - but I know exactly how many lives we took, in the name of our goals. Our universe. I know exactly when it stopped hurting so much. I know exactly how I let him twist me into the perfect ally.
We did do a certain amount of good, when one looks at the end result, but I know the ends cannot always justify the means, and I know blood was shed that didn't need to be, and I know how easy it became, and I know who I'm supposed to be and that isn't it.
I am the Doctor, and he's dead and gone, and it's for the best.