[private] lead me to the wolves, love.
When I have resolved these events, I will return to this entry and erase it; no record will ever exist outside my mind, for as long as I can call my mind my own.
But as a precautionary measure, for now it stands.
I fear spending even this long so idly engaged may be a waste of precious time when there is no certainty
when the possibility exists
when i will only be myself until he chooses to take hold of me again.
I know that for what this is now, the time he allows me. If i have wrestled control from his grasp it is only a matter of time before he returns and I am lost
My system has been free of the formula for more than a week. He is taking over with nothing but his own will and my lack - I have every reason to stop him, to resist but I can't cannot even slow him. Of the two of us he is easily the stronger. I can admit this here, the knowledge exhausting but a relief to admit nonetheless. If only one of us survives the night, it will be him.
And I know exactly where he will go.
Have I spent my life half-asleep only to lose everything the moment I am truly awake? This work has driven me forward for longer than my memory can say, and only in the moments when I saw it inch desperately forward have I known joy or peace or life
and now I know differently, I have known so much more
but my own concerns are selfish, and of little account. It is impossible to separate her from - how ,she is to me, of course, her safety is of desperate importance because I love her - could i live witho ut hher now? if i say no - but i will neverta low this
a world without her in it is the poorer for it, and wihth htde that is inevitable
i think ican't hold on uch longerr
p[lease
But as a precautionary measure, for now it stands.
I fear spending even this long so idly engaged may be a waste of precious time when there is no certainty
when the possibility exists
when i will only be myself until he chooses to take hold of me again.
I know that for what this is now, the time he allows me. If i have wrestled control from his grasp it is only a matter of time before he returns and I am lost
My system has been free of the formula for more than a week. He is taking over with nothing but his own will and my lack - I have every reason to stop him, to resist but I can't cannot even slow him. Of the two of us he is easily the stronger. I can admit this here, the knowledge exhausting but a relief to admit nonetheless. If only one of us survives the night, it will be him.
And I know exactly where he will go.
Have I spent my life half-asleep only to lose everything the moment I am truly awake? This work has driven me forward for longer than my memory can say, and only in the moments when I saw it inch desperately forward have I known joy or peace or life
and now I know differently, I have known so much more
but my own concerns are selfish, and of little account. It is impossible to separate her from - how ,she is to me, of course, her safety is of desperate importance because I love her - could i live witho ut hher now? if i say no - but i will neverta low this
a world without her in it is the poorer for it, and wihth htde that is inevitable
i think ican't hold on uch longerr
p[lease