All over the place
The reality is sinking in - I don't like Psychology anymore. It's so hard to seperate what you used to like and what you do like now. I don't understand why I'm making myself suffer when it's likely I'll fail certain subjects cause I don't like them. What's really getting to me is that I don't want to be a Psychologist anymore. I haven't wanted that since I left High School but have been in denial. If I still wanted it, I'd be bawling my eyes out if I failed a subject or got a Pass. I don't know what I want and that scares me. Everyone wants something don't they?
If I lose Psychology, I lose myself. I swear... I really hate identity crisis'. I become insecure and really aggravated. I hate wasting time thinking soo deeply about meaningless crap. I came to a realisation that as much as you want it, there are people you just can't fit in with. I've let go of those people now, there's no point in wasting energy with some people when you don't get a response. If people care they'll put in the same amount of energy as you. *shrugs* Maybe I'm just lazy and can't be fucked anymore.
When people know what they want - they go for it. Sometimes I'd hold it against them because they leave me behind but that's a selfish though. There is no fault in showing initiative... I can't help that I can't figure out what I want.... I begin to worry that I'm a late bloomer... I start acting without thinking of the consequences and where does it get me? Nowhere. I've gone backwards instead of forwards. I hate being left behind... or maybe the feeling of abandonment isn't really abandonment and I've confused it with something else. I'm just resistant to change but in my eyes I see it as being left behind.
I then feel lost. What do I do now? I have no lifeboat on the side of the ship I can jump into. I don't know what I like or don't like anymore. I only know it I cross it. Everything becomes tangled, all murky. I guess that's what happens when you have no goals in life... something to motivate you.
For majority of High School, I lived in a windowless cold room. I didn't know anything that went on in the outside world except for what was on the tv or when I went to school. My neighbours were racist always verbally abusing me when I left the house. I associated going outside with being harassed. I remember the 9/11 attack... It was a Wednesday morning... I was suppose to be going to school so I could vote my mate Kye in for Vice Captain... I ended up not going to school and breaking my promise with Kye... all because I turned on the television at about 7.00am to see the 9/11 attacks being splayed across every channel. I sat there in shock for the next 20 minutes before yelling bloody murder to my parents. They came rushing into the room asking whats wrong. I couldn't say anything that was comprehendable. For the first time in my life, I told them that I was going to stay home and there was nothing they could do about it. For the next 5 hours I sat in front of the tv watching the same news being broadcasted repeatedly and headed to school. My mate Kye was voted in as Vice School Captain and most of my friends didnt't seem affected by 9/11 at all.
After that, I figured I better get in touch with the world outside of my little dome. I grew a backbone... not that it was something strong or anything but I was able to tell people when they were wrong without having to lie. I started to dislike Jo more when I realised that she didn't give a damn about anything besides her boyfriend and her. In Year 12, I thought That's it, today's the day I tell her our friendship no longer exists I called her out at recess to go talk to her at lunch... What happens? By the end of recess, she comes bawling at me saying You're breaking our friendship aren't you??? Man... I felt like I was in a relationship with her or something... Jeez... So I lied and said no way dude~ I just wanted to talk to you about random!! It's been 2 years now and I really want to tell her to leave me alone. She was once a really popular girl but now she only has me as a friend. -sigh- I've care about what other people think and feel? That's fucking me up badly. Grrrrr!! Friendships are two way!! I don't want to be picked up and dropped at a person's whim just like a boyfriend.
Ugh... I'm not making any sense, jumping from issue to issue. *shrug* Thoughts are so inconsistent... If I actually stay on topic when I'm in a converstaion with someone... it definitely means that it's been bothering me... What I write is me but only at the time I wrote it. One hour later... I'm a different person. People will read and make judgements or whatever it is but in the end it comes down you don't know me at all. You just see different sides of me. Multiple sides... personalities... They are all me... to some extent. I can be really nice or really cruel. I'd like to think I'm a super bitch with evil intentions who personally works for the devil... ^____^d But it all depends on who you are and how you treat people. I forget who I am sometimes... but then I remember when I see my reflection.
I've always hated mirrors. How do people become so vain? I look in the mirror and fix my hair. Such a girly action. Others fix their hair or makeup or whatever it is but however much you fix yourself there is only so much you can do to hide the imperfections. I go to the toilets, wash my hands, quick glance at the mirror at the hair and then dash out of the bathroom. I never look into my own eyes...It sounds silly but I don't want to see what I know is there. It's nice to live push all that into a locked chest inside your head sometimes. Why worry when you can forget? All you have to do is look me in the eyes and you'll be able to read me like a book.
-sigh- I'm an indecisive person by nature and I really hate change. I suppose I can adapt to certain situations but I can't change if I've been uprooted with no warning. As much as I don't want to... I really do have to change Uni's. I've come to associate MU with negativity education wise... Don't get me wrong, I love the people I've met, and it was worth it to fuck up 1.5 years but I can't do that forever. I swear... I'm destined to be a wanderer for the rest of my life. I like being a wanderer but I do need some sort of achievement for my mum. She's sacrificed alot for me and what have I done in return? Jack. I make her life worse... She thinks I'm doing fine in my course... which is an obvious lie. My friend is right though, I should do what I want to do in life. Living for your parents and siblings can be a big drainer psychologically. It's all about taking the first step...
My mentality is all screwy. I wish I could just skip countries and be someone else. Just like Jarrod from the tv series The Pretender (I loved that show). Why can't I run away? Who would I be? Let me leave Nguyet behind.
Did you always know what you want?
Well... that's enough meaningless for now... need to get a move on with Japanese.
Note: Supernatural creatures are so freaking coool. Vampires and werewolves.
Oh oh! I've over tigers now. I love black panthers. Weeee~!
If I lose Psychology, I lose myself. I swear... I really hate identity crisis'. I become insecure and really aggravated. I hate wasting time thinking soo deeply about meaningless crap. I came to a realisation that as much as you want it, there are people you just can't fit in with. I've let go of those people now, there's no point in wasting energy with some people when you don't get a response. If people care they'll put in the same amount of energy as you. *shrugs* Maybe I'm just lazy and can't be fucked anymore.
When people know what they want - they go for it. Sometimes I'd hold it against them because they leave me behind but that's a selfish though. There is no fault in showing initiative... I can't help that I can't figure out what I want.... I begin to worry that I'm a late bloomer... I start acting without thinking of the consequences and where does it get me? Nowhere. I've gone backwards instead of forwards. I hate being left behind... or maybe the feeling of abandonment isn't really abandonment and I've confused it with something else. I'm just resistant to change but in my eyes I see it as being left behind.
I then feel lost. What do I do now? I have no lifeboat on the side of the ship I can jump into. I don't know what I like or don't like anymore. I only know it I cross it. Everything becomes tangled, all murky. I guess that's what happens when you have no goals in life... something to motivate you.
For majority of High School, I lived in a windowless cold room. I didn't know anything that went on in the outside world except for what was on the tv or when I went to school. My neighbours were racist always verbally abusing me when I left the house. I associated going outside with being harassed. I remember the 9/11 attack... It was a Wednesday morning... I was suppose to be going to school so I could vote my mate Kye in for Vice Captain... I ended up not going to school and breaking my promise with Kye... all because I turned on the television at about 7.00am to see the 9/11 attacks being splayed across every channel. I sat there in shock for the next 20 minutes before yelling bloody murder to my parents. They came rushing into the room asking whats wrong. I couldn't say anything that was comprehendable. For the first time in my life, I told them that I was going to stay home and there was nothing they could do about it. For the next 5 hours I sat in front of the tv watching the same news being broadcasted repeatedly and headed to school. My mate Kye was voted in as Vice School Captain and most of my friends didnt't seem affected by 9/11 at all.
After that, I figured I better get in touch with the world outside of my little dome. I grew a backbone... not that it was something strong or anything but I was able to tell people when they were wrong without having to lie. I started to dislike Jo more when I realised that she didn't give a damn about anything besides her boyfriend and her. In Year 12, I thought That's it, today's the day I tell her our friendship no longer exists I called her out at recess to go talk to her at lunch... What happens? By the end of recess, she comes bawling at me saying You're breaking our friendship aren't you??? Man... I felt like I was in a relationship with her or something... Jeez... So I lied and said no way dude~ I just wanted to talk to you about random!! It's been 2 years now and I really want to tell her to leave me alone. She was once a really popular girl but now she only has me as a friend. -sigh- I've care about what other people think and feel? That's fucking me up badly. Grrrrr!! Friendships are two way!! I don't want to be picked up and dropped at a person's whim just like a boyfriend.
Ugh... I'm not making any sense, jumping from issue to issue. *shrug* Thoughts are so inconsistent... If I actually stay on topic when I'm in a converstaion with someone... it definitely means that it's been bothering me... What I write is me but only at the time I wrote it. One hour later... I'm a different person. People will read and make judgements or whatever it is but in the end it comes down you don't know me at all. You just see different sides of me. Multiple sides... personalities... They are all me... to some extent. I can be really nice or really cruel. I'd like to think I'm a super bitch with evil intentions who personally works for the devil... ^____^d But it all depends on who you are and how you treat people. I forget who I am sometimes... but then I remember when I see my reflection.
I've always hated mirrors. How do people become so vain? I look in the mirror and fix my hair. Such a girly action. Others fix their hair or makeup or whatever it is but however much you fix yourself there is only so much you can do to hide the imperfections. I go to the toilets, wash my hands, quick glance at the mirror at the hair and then dash out of the bathroom. I never look into my own eyes...It sounds silly but I don't want to see what I know is there. It's nice to live push all that into a locked chest inside your head sometimes. Why worry when you can forget? All you have to do is look me in the eyes and you'll be able to read me like a book.
-sigh- I'm an indecisive person by nature and I really hate change. I suppose I can adapt to certain situations but I can't change if I've been uprooted with no warning. As much as I don't want to... I really do have to change Uni's. I've come to associate MU with negativity education wise... Don't get me wrong, I love the people I've met, and it was worth it to fuck up 1.5 years but I can't do that forever. I swear... I'm destined to be a wanderer for the rest of my life. I like being a wanderer but I do need some sort of achievement for my mum. She's sacrificed alot for me and what have I done in return? Jack. I make her life worse... She thinks I'm doing fine in my course... which is an obvious lie. My friend is right though, I should do what I want to do in life. Living for your parents and siblings can be a big drainer psychologically. It's all about taking the first step...
My mentality is all screwy. I wish I could just skip countries and be someone else. Just like Jarrod from the tv series The Pretender (I loved that show). Why can't I run away? Who would I be? Let me leave Nguyet behind.
Did you always know what you want?
Well... that's enough meaningless for now... need to get a move on with Japanese.
Note: Supernatural creatures are so freaking coool. Vampires and werewolves.
Oh oh! I've over tigers now. I love black panthers. Weeee~!