(no subject)
Title: The Ice Flowers [oneshot]
Pairing: JaeMin
Genre: Angst, AU
Rating: PG
Summary: Days blend together and repeat each other. Jaejoong slowly fades out of Changmin's life. Literally.
That night I came home earlier than usual. I threw my keys on the table, they landed with a loud noise and I lay tired on the couch. My mind pulsated with a strange headache and the room seemed to change its size with every strike of the pain. Strange images flew around on the white walls in front of me - skeletons of butterflies seemed to flit and the whiffs of their wings caused dry winds to pierce through me. I watched the fragile bones, looking like charred strings, and the shadows stretched on them instead of wings. I couldn’t divert my gaze. My reason was covered with mist the second I set foot in the apartment.
I don’t know for long I’d stared at the empty walls as though hypnotized. I only know that when he came in and looked at me surprised my headache was gone. Actually, every feeling in me was gone. As if with his presence he sucked out the last emotion in my heart. My desperate attempts to cling to something of the disappearing were predestinated. Everything sank in his black eyes, which, after the initial wonder ran through them, became even more lifeless than the butterfly bones. His body stooped and his features diluted before my gaze. He barely stood out on the white background…
“You’re home early” he said, his voice sounding like it came from the underworld. Cutting. Cold. Echoing through the void between us. I nodded, not completely hearing what he said. I was too shocked by the sound to pay any attention to their meaning.
Meanwhile he had turned around and was going to our room, leaving me alone with myself. In the quiet living room, thanks to the fact he had driven away the bell ringing in my head, I could finally hear my own thoughts. Those thoughts posed questions I couldn’t answer. Since when? Since when had Jae turned into this ghost, since when had his soul left and offered only a hint of its previous existence? I couldn’t remember. Yesterday was just an unclear dream, and the days before that I couldn’t even remember. But in me was the firm belief this man was not the person I fell in love with. That Jaejoong was happy, was free, was physical. Where was he now? Every time I saw that bad copy small ice needles pierced my heart, a horrible feeling of wrongness steered in me. My hot blood was pouring out through my heart, trying to warm up his form, but to no use. This ice just couldn’t melt. Was it really ice? Wasn’t it glass? Glass wasn’t this cold, but maybe this is what it turned into when its soul - its beauty and delicateness - was gone.
I caught a glimpse of his figure in the mirror. For a second he looked painfully white and bright. Then he turned to the kitchen and the vision was gone. Oh, god, what was happening to me?! Even his blond hair shined with a soft, cold radiance. Oh, my heart was growing cold! The butterflies were back… They flew to grey, withered blooms and crumbled to dust when they touched them. And the dust turned to long, black threads that tangled, tangled before my eyes, and everything turned to darkness, darkness…
Blessed darkness. Here I saw nothing, heard nothing, felt nothing. My fear was gone, my pain was gone, the feeling of wrongness and confusion wasn't there. Only peace. I felt the rhythm of my heart and I knew I was alive. There was serenity. Where ever I turned to, darkness, darkness… A melodic whisper appeared and when I heard it, it had been there all along. It calmed my heart and guided me through the darkness, darkness…
A dissonance. A problem. A scream. Red.
I opened my eyes just as a metal “clink” was heard from the kitchen. I slowly blinked and the cloak evaporated completely. I raised my hands and looked at them as if they were not mine. But were they? In that darkness I had the feeling I was more genuine and whole than I ever was. Now I was forced to come back to this made-up world. I got up and was amazed to see I was stable. With footsteps I wasn’t sure I was controlling I headed to the kitchen. I tried to pull the door only to discover it was sliding. I don’t know why I’d thought it had to be something else. My body entered and saw Jae’s fragile figure. His eyes, his black dead eyes, were looking down to the floor. I knife lay there.
“I dropped it”, he answered before I could ask my question. Cut, measured, dispassionate words. Compact, with not a tone outside of norm.
He continued staring lifelessly at the utensil, so I bent down and got it for him. I reached out to pass it and when I met his gaze my heart sank. And he cut his finger on the edge, and scarlet blood stained his snow-white skin. Why did it seem it was darker than it should be? A large drop ran down the handle and touched my fingers. It was boiling. It was so hot I had to put my hand under the sink’s cold flow. I was so surprised to find out the icy water was merely lukewarm… He looked at me quizzically. It was like a hammer hit me in the chest at that moment. For a second I couldn’t even breathe. I sat there mindless until I realized I couldn’t feel my hand. I touched it with the other one and it was as cold as Jae’s eyes. I took the knife he had left to take care of his wound. The handle was still warm with his blood. I put it on the counter and left the kitchen.
When I stepped through the door I saw myself in the mirror. I was pale, my fingers stained in reddish-brown. I touched my cheeks and left bright, warm finger marks. I buried my hands in my black hair and a few locks got out of my ponytail, framing my face. It suddenly looked a lot like Jae’s. Scared of my own reflection, I hurried to get the table cloth…
What was happening to me? I was turning into an echo of that ghostly whisper that tried to pass off as my lover. Why? The clinking of cutlery could be heard from the kitchen.
We had our dinner in dead silence. My mind was frozen and I felt as though I was in some half-dream, half-nightmare. I turned on the TV to kill the unnerving stillness, but something was wrong with the cable and only snowflakes appeared, only static noise sounded in the heavy air. I moved my gaze and it fell on the man before me. The metal chopsticks seemed heavy for him and he fought with his arms to hold them and lift them to his mouth. When the food reached his pale lips, his hands lost will, dropped down and metal hit porcelain. Clink! Clink! Clink! This staccato echoed in my soul and it felt like the chopsticks were hitting it instead of the plate. Not feeling myself, I reached out and touched Jae’s hand. It was dead cold, but I didn’t move. The chopsticks fell out of his numb fingers. His stare sucked every thought out of me again. The foggy feeling of coldness was everything I sensed. It seemed to get stronger and stronger. His hand was no longer simply cold, it grew chillier and chillier until every hint of warmness was absolutely lost. It left frostbites on my skin.
“I think we should break up.”
His voice got through to my ears cutting the noise from the TV and their meaning slowly dawned on me.
“What?!” I spat out. He repeated, but I didn’t hear a word. I saw his mouth move, but my heart’s screams muffled everything. Jae’s icy hand had it in his grip, squeezing it hard, and the wounds from the needles that never got a chance to heal sent it into agony. I think I must have choked out another “what”, because he says the words for the third time. There wasn’t enough air to breathe. I tried to say something but my throat produced some kind of inarticulate sounds. His eyes couldn’t take this pain away, they caused it. Black, black… Tears started flowing out of my black eyes and fell on the hand I was holding. In his black eyes I could see surprise and discomfort.
“Your tears sting.” his pale lips said. Together with the words those parodies of butterflies, the black skeletons, flew out… One of them landed on my lips and its wings drew out all humidity from the air. What was left of it couldn’t be used for breathing. I felt I was sinking in that darkness again and a convulsion made me grab a hold of Jae’s hand…
Darkness, darkness… Silence, obscurity, whisper, whisper… A star…
I noticed a star in the darkness. Strange, why hadn’t I seen it earlier. I didn’t want light. Light was fake. In the darkness I felt real. In light there was pain. Darkness brought consolation and relief. But the whisper was imposing. It was insistent. It was tempting. It was even threatening. Finally I gave up and got going.
I walked, walked, walked… How long? How far? The white dot in the nothing remained just as small. It was like I was sitting in one place, but I was so tired already. The whisper grew desperate. I suddenly realized it didn’t speak words. Its meaning drove itself directly into me and I couldn’t resist, couldn’t say no. My will broke, I set out again. I walked, walked…
I was gasping for breath. My feet hurt mind-killingly, but I had no mind right then. My only purpose was to satisfy the whisper, to reach the light and once there, to die, if I had to. A few more steps, a few more steps, I kept thinking, before I tumbled down. My body refused to obey me. Tears appeared on my eyes. I raised my hands to wipe them and for the first time I was scared because I couldn’t see them. I couldn’t see anything around me. Panic took over me and I screamed, but my voice wasn't heard. The light was faint and distant; it didn’t shine down on anything around me. In the total darkness it appeared lonely, pitiful and all of a sudden I wanted it with my whole being. I had to reach it, I couldn’t stay here where nothing existed, nothing changed and nothing ever happened. I tried to get up again, but my feet didn’t even budge. I was paralyzed. I closed my eyes and more tears found their way out, because I couldn’t move in any way. I rubbed them, then opened them and in the first moment couldn’t see anything. It was so bright that after the pitch black it hurt and my instinct told me to close my eyelids, but I didn’t. I wanted to drink the light and never leave it again. The pain was sweet.
And when it was gone and my eyes got used to the brightness, I still wasn’t sure where I was. Just as everything was black before, now everything was white. I had substituted one nothingness for another. But gradually I began distinguishing light-blue outlines. Flowers. Flowers made of ice, fine, beautiful, soulless. I bowed down to see them from close-by. Their petals were triangular, they looked like they’d been carved out. I touched one and I cut my finger. My blood dripped down on the ice, immediately melting it into a puddle. Transparent, with a little bit of scarlet mixed in it. For some reason the red didn’t want to water down and fade.
“You came”, a sudden voice behind me said. I turned around and there he was. Jae. But the former, true Jae. His voice was melodic and gentle again, a smile shone on his face and his eyes were warm and beautiful. This was not the black of an abyss, it was the black of a coal in which life sparkled. I stepped to him dazzled, not understanding a thing.
“Were you here this entire time? What is this place?”
He just continued to smile knowingly.
“Where do you think this is?”
I didn’t know. I didn’t even know how I wound up there. I just ran after the only hope in that empty, gloomy void.
“Some day you’ll know.”
Some day. For now I just wanted to hold him. I came closer, but he drew back.
“You’re killing my flowers.”
Only then did I throw a look at my finger again. All this time blood had dribbled down from it and had melted the ice field around me. I was standing in the center of a small lake, the remains of sharp blooms. My lover sighed and handed me a handkerchief. I tied it around my wound and looked at him again. I had missed that tenderness that beamed from him. I reached for his hand and caught it before he could escape. It wasn’t cold. It had rudiments of warmth in it. Hesitatingly, I snaked my arm around his waist. I heard a sigh when after a brief moment of tension he gave in to me. I pulled him down to sit on the earth and, of course, got cut in a hundred places when I crashed down onto the flowers, but I didn’t care. I only wanted to hold him and do so for eternity, eternity, eternity…
We just lay in the ever-expanding lake, not saying anything and not expecting anything. I needed to touch and inhale until I was intoxicated, he had closed his eyes and was gripping my hands convulsively. I didn’t mind. I felt no inconvenience or pain. I only felt my heart was about to explode, overflowing with affection. Little by little his body warmed up entirely. I kissed his forehead and then he finally spoke.
“Enough. You make me want to live again and I can’t. It’s time for you to go.”
The cold tones had returned in his voice. His eyes were now looking reproachfully, even though the smile was still there on his lips. Those same lips touched mine. They held a bitter taste, the taste of a wild sea and the tears of mermaids. Then he let go. I screamed, tried to get a hold of him again, but my hands just passed through him. I screamed in despair. He couldn’t leave me, not after I’d found him, not after all of this! My heart was breaking in two as I continued to yell, but he just shook his head and faded in the background of the ice flowers that quickly grew again.
I woke up in cold sweat. I breathed heavily and shook, couldn’t get a hold of myself. I looked around - I was back in the apartment. My back hurt terribly and his handkerchief was still there on my finger. But, strangely, seconds ago I was ready to tear my dying heart out and leave it in that ice, and now that he was gone, when even his presence couldn’t be sensed, I felt as though everything had been a dream. As though we were never together. As though the months I spent with him weren’t real, were never part of my life. He had disappeared and all he had left behind were blurred memories. He had even taken my pain. What did he offer in exchange of the time we had?!
I looked at the mirror opposite the kitchen. If I closed my eyes just a little bit, then tilted my head right, I could make out the faint outlines of his smile just behind my shoulder.
Pairing: JaeMin
Genre: Angst, AU
Rating: PG
Summary: Days blend together and repeat each other. Jaejoong slowly fades out of Changmin's life. Literally.
That night I came home earlier than usual. I threw my keys on the table, they landed with a loud noise and I lay tired on the couch. My mind pulsated with a strange headache and the room seemed to change its size with every strike of the pain. Strange images flew around on the white walls in front of me - skeletons of butterflies seemed to flit and the whiffs of their wings caused dry winds to pierce through me. I watched the fragile bones, looking like charred strings, and the shadows stretched on them instead of wings. I couldn’t divert my gaze. My reason was covered with mist the second I set foot in the apartment.
I don’t know for long I’d stared at the empty walls as though hypnotized. I only know that when he came in and looked at me surprised my headache was gone. Actually, every feeling in me was gone. As if with his presence he sucked out the last emotion in my heart. My desperate attempts to cling to something of the disappearing were predestinated. Everything sank in his black eyes, which, after the initial wonder ran through them, became even more lifeless than the butterfly bones. His body stooped and his features diluted before my gaze. He barely stood out on the white background…
“You’re home early” he said, his voice sounding like it came from the underworld. Cutting. Cold. Echoing through the void between us. I nodded, not completely hearing what he said. I was too shocked by the sound to pay any attention to their meaning.
Meanwhile he had turned around and was going to our room, leaving me alone with myself. In the quiet living room, thanks to the fact he had driven away the bell ringing in my head, I could finally hear my own thoughts. Those thoughts posed questions I couldn’t answer. Since when? Since when had Jae turned into this ghost, since when had his soul left and offered only a hint of its previous existence? I couldn’t remember. Yesterday was just an unclear dream, and the days before that I couldn’t even remember. But in me was the firm belief this man was not the person I fell in love with. That Jaejoong was happy, was free, was physical. Where was he now? Every time I saw that bad copy small ice needles pierced my heart, a horrible feeling of wrongness steered in me. My hot blood was pouring out through my heart, trying to warm up his form, but to no use. This ice just couldn’t melt. Was it really ice? Wasn’t it glass? Glass wasn’t this cold, but maybe this is what it turned into when its soul - its beauty and delicateness - was gone.
I caught a glimpse of his figure in the mirror. For a second he looked painfully white and bright. Then he turned to the kitchen and the vision was gone. Oh, god, what was happening to me?! Even his blond hair shined with a soft, cold radiance. Oh, my heart was growing cold! The butterflies were back… They flew to grey, withered blooms and crumbled to dust when they touched them. And the dust turned to long, black threads that tangled, tangled before my eyes, and everything turned to darkness, darkness…
Blessed darkness. Here I saw nothing, heard nothing, felt nothing. My fear was gone, my pain was gone, the feeling of wrongness and confusion wasn't there. Only peace. I felt the rhythm of my heart and I knew I was alive. There was serenity. Where ever I turned to, darkness, darkness… A melodic whisper appeared and when I heard it, it had been there all along. It calmed my heart and guided me through the darkness, darkness…
A dissonance. A problem. A scream. Red.
I opened my eyes just as a metal “clink” was heard from the kitchen. I slowly blinked and the cloak evaporated completely. I raised my hands and looked at them as if they were not mine. But were they? In that darkness I had the feeling I was more genuine and whole than I ever was. Now I was forced to come back to this made-up world. I got up and was amazed to see I was stable. With footsteps I wasn’t sure I was controlling I headed to the kitchen. I tried to pull the door only to discover it was sliding. I don’t know why I’d thought it had to be something else. My body entered and saw Jae’s fragile figure. His eyes, his black dead eyes, were looking down to the floor. I knife lay there.
“I dropped it”, he answered before I could ask my question. Cut, measured, dispassionate words. Compact, with not a tone outside of norm.
He continued staring lifelessly at the utensil, so I bent down and got it for him. I reached out to pass it and when I met his gaze my heart sank. And he cut his finger on the edge, and scarlet blood stained his snow-white skin. Why did it seem it was darker than it should be? A large drop ran down the handle and touched my fingers. It was boiling. It was so hot I had to put my hand under the sink’s cold flow. I was so surprised to find out the icy water was merely lukewarm… He looked at me quizzically. It was like a hammer hit me in the chest at that moment. For a second I couldn’t even breathe. I sat there mindless until I realized I couldn’t feel my hand. I touched it with the other one and it was as cold as Jae’s eyes. I took the knife he had left to take care of his wound. The handle was still warm with his blood. I put it on the counter and left the kitchen.
When I stepped through the door I saw myself in the mirror. I was pale, my fingers stained in reddish-brown. I touched my cheeks and left bright, warm finger marks. I buried my hands in my black hair and a few locks got out of my ponytail, framing my face. It suddenly looked a lot like Jae’s. Scared of my own reflection, I hurried to get the table cloth…
What was happening to me? I was turning into an echo of that ghostly whisper that tried to pass off as my lover. Why? The clinking of cutlery could be heard from the kitchen.
We had our dinner in dead silence. My mind was frozen and I felt as though I was in some half-dream, half-nightmare. I turned on the TV to kill the unnerving stillness, but something was wrong with the cable and only snowflakes appeared, only static noise sounded in the heavy air. I moved my gaze and it fell on the man before me. The metal chopsticks seemed heavy for him and he fought with his arms to hold them and lift them to his mouth. When the food reached his pale lips, his hands lost will, dropped down and metal hit porcelain. Clink! Clink! Clink! This staccato echoed in my soul and it felt like the chopsticks were hitting it instead of the plate. Not feeling myself, I reached out and touched Jae’s hand. It was dead cold, but I didn’t move. The chopsticks fell out of his numb fingers. His stare sucked every thought out of me again. The foggy feeling of coldness was everything I sensed. It seemed to get stronger and stronger. His hand was no longer simply cold, it grew chillier and chillier until every hint of warmness was absolutely lost. It left frostbites on my skin.
“I think we should break up.”
His voice got through to my ears cutting the noise from the TV and their meaning slowly dawned on me.
“What?!” I spat out. He repeated, but I didn’t hear a word. I saw his mouth move, but my heart’s screams muffled everything. Jae’s icy hand had it in his grip, squeezing it hard, and the wounds from the needles that never got a chance to heal sent it into agony. I think I must have choked out another “what”, because he says the words for the third time. There wasn’t enough air to breathe. I tried to say something but my throat produced some kind of inarticulate sounds. His eyes couldn’t take this pain away, they caused it. Black, black… Tears started flowing out of my black eyes and fell on the hand I was holding. In his black eyes I could see surprise and discomfort.
“Your tears sting.” his pale lips said. Together with the words those parodies of butterflies, the black skeletons, flew out… One of them landed on my lips and its wings drew out all humidity from the air. What was left of it couldn’t be used for breathing. I felt I was sinking in that darkness again and a convulsion made me grab a hold of Jae’s hand…
Darkness, darkness… Silence, obscurity, whisper, whisper… A star…
I noticed a star in the darkness. Strange, why hadn’t I seen it earlier. I didn’t want light. Light was fake. In the darkness I felt real. In light there was pain. Darkness brought consolation and relief. But the whisper was imposing. It was insistent. It was tempting. It was even threatening. Finally I gave up and got going.
I walked, walked, walked… How long? How far? The white dot in the nothing remained just as small. It was like I was sitting in one place, but I was so tired already. The whisper grew desperate. I suddenly realized it didn’t speak words. Its meaning drove itself directly into me and I couldn’t resist, couldn’t say no. My will broke, I set out again. I walked, walked…
I was gasping for breath. My feet hurt mind-killingly, but I had no mind right then. My only purpose was to satisfy the whisper, to reach the light and once there, to die, if I had to. A few more steps, a few more steps, I kept thinking, before I tumbled down. My body refused to obey me. Tears appeared on my eyes. I raised my hands to wipe them and for the first time I was scared because I couldn’t see them. I couldn’t see anything around me. Panic took over me and I screamed, but my voice wasn't heard. The light was faint and distant; it didn’t shine down on anything around me. In the total darkness it appeared lonely, pitiful and all of a sudden I wanted it with my whole being. I had to reach it, I couldn’t stay here where nothing existed, nothing changed and nothing ever happened. I tried to get up again, but my feet didn’t even budge. I was paralyzed. I closed my eyes and more tears found their way out, because I couldn’t move in any way. I rubbed them, then opened them and in the first moment couldn’t see anything. It was so bright that after the pitch black it hurt and my instinct told me to close my eyelids, but I didn’t. I wanted to drink the light and never leave it again. The pain was sweet.
And when it was gone and my eyes got used to the brightness, I still wasn’t sure where I was. Just as everything was black before, now everything was white. I had substituted one nothingness for another. But gradually I began distinguishing light-blue outlines. Flowers. Flowers made of ice, fine, beautiful, soulless. I bowed down to see them from close-by. Their petals were triangular, they looked like they’d been carved out. I touched one and I cut my finger. My blood dripped down on the ice, immediately melting it into a puddle. Transparent, with a little bit of scarlet mixed in it. For some reason the red didn’t want to water down and fade.
“You came”, a sudden voice behind me said. I turned around and there he was. Jae. But the former, true Jae. His voice was melodic and gentle again, a smile shone on his face and his eyes were warm and beautiful. This was not the black of an abyss, it was the black of a coal in which life sparkled. I stepped to him dazzled, not understanding a thing.
“Were you here this entire time? What is this place?”
He just continued to smile knowingly.
“Where do you think this is?”
I didn’t know. I didn’t even know how I wound up there. I just ran after the only hope in that empty, gloomy void.
“Some day you’ll know.”
Some day. For now I just wanted to hold him. I came closer, but he drew back.
“You’re killing my flowers.”
Only then did I throw a look at my finger again. All this time blood had dribbled down from it and had melted the ice field around me. I was standing in the center of a small lake, the remains of sharp blooms. My lover sighed and handed me a handkerchief. I tied it around my wound and looked at him again. I had missed that tenderness that beamed from him. I reached for his hand and caught it before he could escape. It wasn’t cold. It had rudiments of warmth in it. Hesitatingly, I snaked my arm around his waist. I heard a sigh when after a brief moment of tension he gave in to me. I pulled him down to sit on the earth and, of course, got cut in a hundred places when I crashed down onto the flowers, but I didn’t care. I only wanted to hold him and do so for eternity, eternity, eternity…
We just lay in the ever-expanding lake, not saying anything and not expecting anything. I needed to touch and inhale until I was intoxicated, he had closed his eyes and was gripping my hands convulsively. I didn’t mind. I felt no inconvenience or pain. I only felt my heart was about to explode, overflowing with affection. Little by little his body warmed up entirely. I kissed his forehead and then he finally spoke.
“Enough. You make me want to live again and I can’t. It’s time for you to go.”
The cold tones had returned in his voice. His eyes were now looking reproachfully, even though the smile was still there on his lips. Those same lips touched mine. They held a bitter taste, the taste of a wild sea and the tears of mermaids. Then he let go. I screamed, tried to get a hold of him again, but my hands just passed through him. I screamed in despair. He couldn’t leave me, not after I’d found him, not after all of this! My heart was breaking in two as I continued to yell, but he just shook his head and faded in the background of the ice flowers that quickly grew again.
I woke up in cold sweat. I breathed heavily and shook, couldn’t get a hold of myself. I looked around - I was back in the apartment. My back hurt terribly and his handkerchief was still there on my finger. But, strangely, seconds ago I was ready to tear my dying heart out and leave it in that ice, and now that he was gone, when even his presence couldn’t be sensed, I felt as though everything had been a dream. As though we were never together. As though the months I spent with him weren’t real, were never part of my life. He had disappeared and all he had left behind were blurred memories. He had even taken my pain. What did he offer in exchange of the time we had?!
I looked at the mirror opposite the kitchen. If I closed my eyes just a little bit, then tilted my head right, I could make out the faint outlines of his smile just behind my shoulder.