I don't wanna go home where they all stare at me
I just wrote. I make no apologies for any of it.
You want me to lie to you.
You want me to paste on my silly smile that makes you feel happy while leaving me empty.
You want me to pretend that my hearts not broken and that I am not confused because it will lessen your guilt.
You never offer me a smile in return, just a few words of consolation.
I want to rip out of my skin and make you see me for the things I think I am.
I want to be what I want to be. I want to be strong but I can't. I want to stand and fight and say that I will be ok but I know I won't.
I know that I will be on the floor by the end of the evening, swallowing my own tears back in a confused state of agony.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs and do something...do something that I probably shouldn't. I want to tell everyone what I think.
I want to have people look at me and see me, not see this creature I have created to make you happy...to stand next to you and not look like a failure. I want to walk in a room and not feel like everyone's eyes are on you and that I am merely an afterthought.
I want to tattoo every inch of my skin with the things that I want people to see....I want them to talk. I want them to wonder. It would be better than this. I would be better than being the one that always fucks up...the one that cries herself to sleep because it's never going to go my way is it? I want to hear my own voice and not want to cringe. I want to love myself like I used to. I want this to stop and to stop being so painful. I want to know when it will be ok to just not be hurt...to not want to crawl out of my skin when I think about my life.
I want to know when I feel that I have accomplished something....I want you to look at me like an equal and not someone that you are saddled with, someone that you have to drag behind you because you know I will never follow the way I should. You know that you can tell me what to do and I will somehow find an impossibly obscene way to fuck it up. You take one step and I pull you three steps back. Why don't you just leave? I think sometimes that it would be easier....maybe that's what I've always been waiting for. You to leave just like everyone else. Sometimes I know in my heart it is impossible to love me. I make it so. I make you want to leave and I know that, and if I admit it to myself? I am pleased that maybe it's something I can do right. Make people leave...maybe that's the only thing I'll ever really be good at.
I want to stop crying. I do.....but it's all I have. It's all I can do to keep myself from crumbling. The mask is too tight, I can't breathe. I can't pull it from my face.
You want me to lie to you.
You want me to paste on my silly smile that makes you feel happy while leaving me empty.
You want me to pretend that my hearts not broken and that I am not confused because it will lessen your guilt.
You never offer me a smile in return, just a few words of consolation.
I want to rip out of my skin and make you see me for the things I think I am.
I want to be what I want to be. I want to be strong but I can't. I want to stand and fight and say that I will be ok but I know I won't.
I know that I will be on the floor by the end of the evening, swallowing my own tears back in a confused state of agony.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs and do something...do something that I probably shouldn't. I want to tell everyone what I think.
I want to have people look at me and see me, not see this creature I have created to make you happy...to stand next to you and not look like a failure. I want to walk in a room and not feel like everyone's eyes are on you and that I am merely an afterthought.
I want to tattoo every inch of my skin with the things that I want people to see....I want them to talk. I want them to wonder. It would be better than this. I would be better than being the one that always fucks up...the one that cries herself to sleep because it's never going to go my way is it? I want to hear my own voice and not want to cringe. I want to love myself like I used to. I want this to stop and to stop being so painful. I want to know when it will be ok to just not be hurt...to not want to crawl out of my skin when I think about my life.
I want to know when I feel that I have accomplished something....I want you to look at me like an equal and not someone that you are saddled with, someone that you have to drag behind you because you know I will never follow the way I should. You know that you can tell me what to do and I will somehow find an impossibly obscene way to fuck it up. You take one step and I pull you three steps back. Why don't you just leave? I think sometimes that it would be easier....maybe that's what I've always been waiting for. You to leave just like everyone else. Sometimes I know in my heart it is impossible to love me. I make it so. I make you want to leave and I know that, and if I admit it to myself? I am pleased that maybe it's something I can do right. Make people leave...maybe that's the only thing I'll ever really be good at.
I want to stop crying. I do.....but it's all I have. It's all I can do to keep myself from crumbling. The mask is too tight, I can't breathe. I can't pull it from my face.