(no subject)
it's been years since someone verbally kicked the shit out of me. years since i had to deal with such anger and flat-out meanness. years...
but it would seem that those years have taught me a thing or two...
TheAunt: did you get the light fixed on the car?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:02:07 AM): applying for a new job that fell in his lap
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:02:23 AM): not yet. i've been BROKE.
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:02:53 AM): it's just parked right now. i haven't driven in a while.
TheAunt: I thought you said you ordered it?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:02:57 AM): i did
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:03:03 AM): but it was never paid for
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:03:09 AM): they did it wrong
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:03:29 AM): usually you pay when you order, but they screwed up
TheAunt: so do they still have the part, or did they send it back to wherever?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:04:51 AM): don't know
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:05:00 AM): couldn't deal with it, so i didn't
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:05:14 AM): it's been very day at a time, jenn.
TheAunt: I hear ya
TheAunt: have you seen a psychiatrist yet, or are you still waiting?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:06:38 AM): nope
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:06:46 AM): therapist, yes
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:06:53 AM): psychiatrist, no
TheAunt: what kind of hours does J work?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:08:09 AM): 8-5 mon-fri
TheAunt: you should find you some employment near his work, even if it's min wage....preferably with health insurance
TheAunt: and work the same days and ride together
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:09:57 AM): well, i'm not ready to work
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:10:00 AM): at all
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:10:21 AM): and if he gets this new job, i'll get insurance
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:10:31 AM): *fingers crossed*
TheAunt: I am not ready to work either, but I go in
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:11:48 AM): okay
TheAunt: I know that you're having a really hard time right now
TheAunt: I'm not trying to make light of your situation
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:12:31 AM): okay
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:12:47 AM): so what *are* you saying?
TheAunt: well
TheAunt: I'm wondering what you do all day....all week
TheAunt: are you still staying up all night, and sleeping the day away?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:14:36 AM): it depends
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:14:40 AM): on the day
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:15:02 AM): i try my best to make myself sleep at night
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:15:07 AM): why?
TheAunt: well
TheAunt: just wondering
TheAunt: i think that you should get back to working to help get your mind off of shit
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:16:09 AM): that's the problem, jenn
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:16:26 AM): i do not need to distract from this
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:16:32 AM): i need to deal with it
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:16:44 AM): i have been distracting for years
TheAunt: ok
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:17:47 AM): and i've been made aware that it looks like i'm not "doing anything," and all i can say to that is, you have no idea.
TheAunt: I"m not saying that Cheryl
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:19:15 AM): so what are you trying to say? maybe i misunderstood.
TheAunt: how much 'dealing with it' are you doing by going to this place that only sees you limited amounts...by only a counselor
TheAunt: you need insurance plain and simple.......you know that I know...and I know that
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:21:18 AM): i still wouldn't go to a psychiatrist for counseling
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:21:24 AM): insurance or not
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:21:37 AM): i love my therapist
TheAunt: well how often are you going?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:21:49 AM): every friday
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:22:31 AM): and will work up to twice a week
TheAunt: how long will that take to get to that point?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:23:06 AM): in the next few weeks, i'd imagine
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:23:16 AM): i just started seeing her, so...
TheAunt: how long do you go for, each visit....1/2 hr. or an hour?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:23:56 AM): it takes some time to start spilling your guts
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:24:02 AM): at least an hour
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:24:07 AM): we always go over
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:24:44 AM): and right now, that's all i can handle.
TheAunt: yes i know it takes time to develop a rapport, and get comfortable
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:25:32 AM): i'm dealing with severe issues from years of trauma and abuse
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:25:39 AM): there isn't a 'right' way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:25:46 AM): it's whatever works that day
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:26:28 AM): we've been working hard on setting up a support system, so that when we do get into the hard shit, i have resources
TheAunt: that's good
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:27:14 AM): and, honestly, the fact that i'm not dead right now is enough for me. that is a HUGE accomplishment.
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:27:27 AM): i came very very very close
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:29:58 AM): still there?
TheAunt: yep
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:30:24 AM): what's up?
TheAunt: nothing
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:30:44 AM): sounds like it
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:30:55 AM): i don't know what else to say....
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:32:33 AM): i'm okay with this, j is okay with this, my support system is okay, my therapist is okay...i'n sorry if no one else gets it. i can't help that. but for the first time, i am doing what *i* need....wasn't trying to piss you off, sorry if you took it wrong.
TheAunt: it's all good
TheAunt: not pissed off here
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:33:10 AM): my sleeping pill is kicking in and i do actually have a busy day tomorrow, so i'll talk to you later....
*30 minutes later, i was trying to get to the archive copy of this conversation to post it*
TheAunt: been noticing the avoiding jenn thing. it's all good. if you don't want to talk to me, just say so
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:59:50 AM): what?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:00:18 AM): what are you talking about?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:00:30 AM): i have not been avoiding you.
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:00:55 AM): i have NO idea what all this is about, but this is bullshit.
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:01:17 AM): and she goes away again...
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:01:21 AM): classic.
TheAunt: no I'm still here
TheAunt: why you getting so defensive
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:01:56 AM): why are you acting like you're an expert on what i should be doing?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:02:19 AM): you didn't ask anything about how i'm doing, or even what i'm doing?
TheAunt: first off I'm definately not an expert
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:02:35 AM): what gives you the right to say "should" to me?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:02:45 AM): i'm fighting to stay alive
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:02:50 AM): that's why i'm defensive
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:02:57 AM): because this is my LIFE
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:03:13 AM): and i refuse to feel like a loser because i'm not working a job
TheAunt: you are no where near loser status, and never will be Cheryl
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:03:54 AM): so stop making me feel that way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:04:13 AM): you have no IDEA what i'm dealing with here
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:04:26 AM): and i got no support from you, just criticism
TheAunt: I have a little bit of an idea
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:04:38 AM): how is that supposed to help?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:04:44 AM): no, you don't
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:04:51 AM): you know what you are dealing with
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:04:56 AM): and that's it
TheAunt: you don't think that i've been supportive of you?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:05:15 AM): i am talking about the conversation we JUST had
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:05:28 AM): and in that context, no i don't
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:06:00 AM): and that's fine. i can deal with that. it's just that you can't say shit like that and expect it not to hurt me and piss me off
TheAunt: sorry to have hurt you did not intend to
TheAunt: I've had the insane thoughts, and flashbacks and many suicide attempts myself
TheAunt: so yes I do have some idea
TheAunt: no I haven't experienced what you did, or vice versa
TheAunt: I'm not comparing here
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:08:29 AM): it's not even about that
TheAunt: just saying that I have a little idea
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:08:56 AM): i have never come at you when you were struggling with "shoulds"
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:09:03 AM): when god knows i could have
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:09:39 AM): but i kept my mouth shut and offered support as much as i could, and hoped you would find your own way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:09:58 AM): what's wrong with that? what's wrong with encouragement?
TheAunt: that's why I said what I did
TheAunt: cause I don't know if you doing this your way is enough to keep you ALIVE
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:10:55 AM): i'm here now, aren't i?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:11:07 AM): i obviously have some idea of what i'm doing
TheAunt: okay then woo hoo
TheAunt: great for you
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:12:32 AM): why are you being so nasty about this?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:12:39 AM): i really don't understand
TheAunt: C, you're 23, soon to be 24
TheAunt: you're an adult
TheAunt: an adult with issues....as everyone else has issues
TheAunt: part of dealing with issues, is changing habits
TheAunt: I want you to get better, to feel better
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:16:20 AM): then support me
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:16:26 AM): encourage me
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:16:35 AM): don't lecture and undermine me
TheAunt: You have no idea how much I worry about you
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:17:15 AM): do you think i'm just fucking around over here?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:17:28 AM): that's the impression i get
TheAunt: damn it C, you just are not getting it
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:17:53 AM): that because i'm not doing it your way, it's not valid
TheAunt: no not my way
TheAunt: I don't want you to do things my way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:18:25 AM): then what are you saying?
TheAunt: I want you to do things your way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:18:47 AM): clearly you don't think much of my way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:19:24 AM): i know what it looks like from the outside
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:19:26 AM): i know
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:19:29 AM): trust me
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:19:36 AM): and i don't care
TheAunt: you don't care.....cool
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:20:03 AM): because i know that there are amazing things happening here
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:20:06 AM): it is cool
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:20:27 AM): because i am doing this for me, and fuck everyone else, if need be
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:20:39 AM): how long have you been going to therapy?
TheAunt: just over 5 months why?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:21:18 AM): i'm on about year five, all in all
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:21:28 AM): and maybe i have picked up a thing or two
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:21:39 AM): all i'm saying is that it takes time
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:21:48 AM): you've just started, and i'm glad you have
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:21:58 AM): i'm starting over...again
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:22:05 AM): there's a huge difference
TheAunt: it's not that C
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:22:20 AM): i did what you're doing and worked for a long time
TheAunt: I'm not saying that I know something now, cuase I'm in therapy
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:22:31 AM): that was very different from where i am now
TheAunt: I'm saying you need to stand up on your feet and be an adult
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:23:34 AM): heh
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:23:44 AM): well thank you for sharing your opinion with me
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:23:58 AM): the unsolicited advice fairy strikes again
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:24:26 AM): i'll remember this the next time you get an internet girlfriend to "distract" yourself
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:24:47 AM): i can't even believe you just said that to me
TheAunt: I'm not being an asshole here, you're taking this all wrong
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:25:32 AM): no, you really are
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:25:45 AM): print this off and take it to your shrink
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:25:53 AM): if you can stand to face your own shit
TheAunt: it would make him proud
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:26:16 AM): instead of being so damn condesending
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:26:25 AM): well then i'm glad i'm not going your way
TheAunt: I'm being realistic C
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:26:53 AM): what the FUCK do you know about the reality of my life?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:26:59 AM): have you even asked me?
TheAunt: How can I ask you c?
TheAunt: I mean really
TheAunt: I call you and you never answer
TheAunt: I leave you messages and you never call back
TheAunt: I send you emails and you don't respond
TheAunt: the only time I really have contact with you anymore is at this late hour chatting on the net
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:28:38 AM): um, when have you called?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:28:46 AM): you send me forwards
TheAunt: lol
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:29:03 AM): get real
TheAunt: okay then
TheAunt: you wanna drop off the face of the earth and drown in that deep darkness
TheAunt: go for it
TheAunt: it's not pretty at all though
TheAunt: and it's hard as hell to get out of
TheAunt: knock yourself out
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:31:15 AM): fuck you too, then
TheAunt: why do you say that to me?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:31:32 AM): because that's not at all what i am doing
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:31:44 AM): why have you said any of what you said?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:31:51 AM): kick me when i'm down
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:32:02 AM): did you learn that one in group?
TheAunt: I'm not kicking you at all
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:32:11 AM): yes you ARE
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:32:31 AM): and since you're not going to own any part of it, i'm done.
TheAunt: I think you're getting so mad and defensive, cause you know deep down that you should be out there working and making your way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:32:52 AM): i had to wake up jesse because of you've said to me tonight
TheAunt: so what happens if things turn out like Michael, or Abby did?
TheAunt: with you and J
TheAunt: not that I want that, but what if?
it was at this point that years of frustration with her boiled right up and over, and i picked up the phone. no one ever says shit to her because they're intimidated by that famous family temper. well, honey, you met your match. NO ONE paints me into a corner. i asked her what the hell she was going on about...of course she couldn't make a point that made sense, with examples and such. of course not. just more judgements and nastiness about how i need to get my shit together.
"i worry about you," she says. then ACT like it, dammit. you were going to come up here and visit me because i said i needed you. that was weeks ago. you called me the day of your visit to cancel. you were sick. fine. said you were coming when you had the time and money. okay. it's not been mentioned again. however, i do hope that your two day shopping spree last week went well. you had time, you had money, i never saw you. so you worry. you fret. you judge. guess what? i don't need ANY of it.
so it all comes down to this...
"you worry? you want to help? then encourage me. support me. can you do that?"
....silence....
"okay then. then you can just get the hell out like all the rest. fuck you. i don't need it."
"fine, c. fine. i'm gone. that's what you want? bye, c."
*click*
i stare at j, and blink, because it's all so fucking ridiculous. all this OVER MY CAR? i kept asking her what she thought a job was going to do for me. how it was supposed to save me. because i've done that, time and time again....and i'm STILL sitting here. i'm still having to face all this. but that's her MO...one more addiction, one more distraction.
it hurts. like hell. i won't lie. i loved her madly. once upon a time, there was a pedastal in my mind with her name on it. but things change. i'm grown up now. i'm running my own show. i'm working hard on the process, on being humble, staying open, being present. that's my job.
and this time, i'm not going to apologize.
but it would seem that those years have taught me a thing or two...
TheAunt: did you get the light fixed on the car?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:02:07 AM): applying for a new job that fell in his lap
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:02:23 AM): not yet. i've been BROKE.
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:02:53 AM): it's just parked right now. i haven't driven in a while.
TheAunt: I thought you said you ordered it?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:02:57 AM): i did
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:03:03 AM): but it was never paid for
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:03:09 AM): they did it wrong
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:03:29 AM): usually you pay when you order, but they screwed up
TheAunt: so do they still have the part, or did they send it back to wherever?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:04:51 AM): don't know
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:05:00 AM): couldn't deal with it, so i didn't
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:05:14 AM): it's been very day at a time, jenn.
TheAunt: I hear ya
TheAunt: have you seen a psychiatrist yet, or are you still waiting?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:06:38 AM): nope
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:06:46 AM): therapist, yes
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:06:53 AM): psychiatrist, no
TheAunt: what kind of hours does J work?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:08:09 AM): 8-5 mon-fri
TheAunt: you should find you some employment near his work, even if it's min wage....preferably with health insurance
TheAunt: and work the same days and ride together
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:09:57 AM): well, i'm not ready to work
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:10:00 AM): at all
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:10:21 AM): and if he gets this new job, i'll get insurance
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:10:31 AM): *fingers crossed*
TheAunt: I am not ready to work either, but I go in
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:11:48 AM): okay
TheAunt: I know that you're having a really hard time right now
TheAunt: I'm not trying to make light of your situation
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:12:31 AM): okay
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:12:47 AM): so what *are* you saying?
TheAunt: well
TheAunt: I'm wondering what you do all day....all week
TheAunt: are you still staying up all night, and sleeping the day away?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:14:36 AM): it depends
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:14:40 AM): on the day
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:15:02 AM): i try my best to make myself sleep at night
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:15:07 AM): why?
TheAunt: well
TheAunt: just wondering
TheAunt: i think that you should get back to working to help get your mind off of shit
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:16:09 AM): that's the problem, jenn
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:16:26 AM): i do not need to distract from this
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:16:32 AM): i need to deal with it
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:16:44 AM): i have been distracting for years
TheAunt: ok
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:17:47 AM): and i've been made aware that it looks like i'm not "doing anything," and all i can say to that is, you have no idea.
TheAunt: I"m not saying that Cheryl
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:19:15 AM): so what are you trying to say? maybe i misunderstood.
TheAunt: how much 'dealing with it' are you doing by going to this place that only sees you limited amounts...by only a counselor
TheAunt: you need insurance plain and simple.......you know that I know...and I know that
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:21:18 AM): i still wouldn't go to a psychiatrist for counseling
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:21:24 AM): insurance or not
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:21:37 AM): i love my therapist
TheAunt: well how often are you going?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:21:49 AM): every friday
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:22:31 AM): and will work up to twice a week
TheAunt: how long will that take to get to that point?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:23:06 AM): in the next few weeks, i'd imagine
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:23:16 AM): i just started seeing her, so...
TheAunt: how long do you go for, each visit....1/2 hr. or an hour?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:23:56 AM): it takes some time to start spilling your guts
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:24:02 AM): at least an hour
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:24:07 AM): we always go over
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:24:44 AM): and right now, that's all i can handle.
TheAunt: yes i know it takes time to develop a rapport, and get comfortable
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:25:32 AM): i'm dealing with severe issues from years of trauma and abuse
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:25:39 AM): there isn't a 'right' way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:25:46 AM): it's whatever works that day
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:26:28 AM): we've been working hard on setting up a support system, so that when we do get into the hard shit, i have resources
TheAunt: that's good
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:27:14 AM): and, honestly, the fact that i'm not dead right now is enough for me. that is a HUGE accomplishment.
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:27:27 AM): i came very very very close
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:29:58 AM): still there?
TheAunt: yep
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:30:24 AM): what's up?
TheAunt: nothing
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:30:44 AM): sounds like it
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:30:55 AM): i don't know what else to say....
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:32:33 AM): i'm okay with this, j is okay with this, my support system is okay, my therapist is okay...i'n sorry if no one else gets it. i can't help that. but for the first time, i am doing what *i* need....wasn't trying to piss you off, sorry if you took it wrong.
TheAunt: it's all good
TheAunt: not pissed off here
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:33:10 AM): my sleeping pill is kicking in and i do actually have a busy day tomorrow, so i'll talk to you later....
*30 minutes later, i was trying to get to the archive copy of this conversation to post it*
TheAunt: been noticing the avoiding jenn thing. it's all good. if you don't want to talk to me, just say so
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 2:59:50 AM): what?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:00:18 AM): what are you talking about?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:00:30 AM): i have not been avoiding you.
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:00:55 AM): i have NO idea what all this is about, but this is bullshit.
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:01:17 AM): and she goes away again...
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:01:21 AM): classic.
TheAunt: no I'm still here
TheAunt: why you getting so defensive
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:01:56 AM): why are you acting like you're an expert on what i should be doing?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:02:19 AM): you didn't ask anything about how i'm doing, or even what i'm doing?
TheAunt: first off I'm definately not an expert
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:02:35 AM): what gives you the right to say "should" to me?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:02:45 AM): i'm fighting to stay alive
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:02:50 AM): that's why i'm defensive
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:02:57 AM): because this is my LIFE
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:03:13 AM): and i refuse to feel like a loser because i'm not working a job
TheAunt: you are no where near loser status, and never will be Cheryl
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:03:54 AM): so stop making me feel that way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:04:13 AM): you have no IDEA what i'm dealing with here
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:04:26 AM): and i got no support from you, just criticism
TheAunt: I have a little bit of an idea
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:04:38 AM): how is that supposed to help?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:04:44 AM): no, you don't
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:04:51 AM): you know what you are dealing with
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:04:56 AM): and that's it
TheAunt: you don't think that i've been supportive of you?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:05:15 AM): i am talking about the conversation we JUST had
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:05:28 AM): and in that context, no i don't
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:06:00 AM): and that's fine. i can deal with that. it's just that you can't say shit like that and expect it not to hurt me and piss me off
TheAunt: sorry to have hurt you did not intend to
TheAunt: I've had the insane thoughts, and flashbacks and many suicide attempts myself
TheAunt: so yes I do have some idea
TheAunt: no I haven't experienced what you did, or vice versa
TheAunt: I'm not comparing here
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:08:29 AM): it's not even about that
TheAunt: just saying that I have a little idea
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:08:56 AM): i have never come at you when you were struggling with "shoulds"
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:09:03 AM): when god knows i could have
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:09:39 AM): but i kept my mouth shut and offered support as much as i could, and hoped you would find your own way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:09:58 AM): what's wrong with that? what's wrong with encouragement?
TheAunt: that's why I said what I did
TheAunt: cause I don't know if you doing this your way is enough to keep you ALIVE
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:10:55 AM): i'm here now, aren't i?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:11:07 AM): i obviously have some idea of what i'm doing
TheAunt: okay then woo hoo
TheAunt: great for you
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:12:32 AM): why are you being so nasty about this?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:12:39 AM): i really don't understand
TheAunt: C, you're 23, soon to be 24
TheAunt: you're an adult
TheAunt: an adult with issues....as everyone else has issues
TheAunt: part of dealing with issues, is changing habits
TheAunt: I want you to get better, to feel better
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:16:20 AM): then support me
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:16:26 AM): encourage me
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:16:35 AM): don't lecture and undermine me
TheAunt: You have no idea how much I worry about you
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:17:15 AM): do you think i'm just fucking around over here?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:17:28 AM): that's the impression i get
TheAunt: damn it C, you just are not getting it
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:17:53 AM): that because i'm not doing it your way, it's not valid
TheAunt: no not my way
TheAunt: I don't want you to do things my way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:18:25 AM): then what are you saying?
TheAunt: I want you to do things your way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:18:47 AM): clearly you don't think much of my way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:19:24 AM): i know what it looks like from the outside
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:19:26 AM): i know
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:19:29 AM): trust me
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:19:36 AM): and i don't care
TheAunt: you don't care.....cool
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:20:03 AM): because i know that there are amazing things happening here
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:20:06 AM): it is cool
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:20:27 AM): because i am doing this for me, and fuck everyone else, if need be
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:20:39 AM): how long have you been going to therapy?
TheAunt: just over 5 months why?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:21:18 AM): i'm on about year five, all in all
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:21:28 AM): and maybe i have picked up a thing or two
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:21:39 AM): all i'm saying is that it takes time
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:21:48 AM): you've just started, and i'm glad you have
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:21:58 AM): i'm starting over...again
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:22:05 AM): there's a huge difference
TheAunt: it's not that C
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:22:20 AM): i did what you're doing and worked for a long time
TheAunt: I'm not saying that I know something now, cuase I'm in therapy
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:22:31 AM): that was very different from where i am now
TheAunt: I'm saying you need to stand up on your feet and be an adult
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:23:34 AM): heh
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:23:44 AM): well thank you for sharing your opinion with me
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:23:58 AM): the unsolicited advice fairy strikes again
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:24:26 AM): i'll remember this the next time you get an internet girlfriend to "distract" yourself
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:24:47 AM): i can't even believe you just said that to me
TheAunt: I'm not being an asshole here, you're taking this all wrong
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:25:32 AM): no, you really are
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:25:45 AM): print this off and take it to your shrink
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:25:53 AM): if you can stand to face your own shit
TheAunt: it would make him proud
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:26:16 AM): instead of being so damn condesending
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:26:25 AM): well then i'm glad i'm not going your way
TheAunt: I'm being realistic C
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:26:53 AM): what the FUCK do you know about the reality of my life?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:26:59 AM): have you even asked me?
TheAunt: How can I ask you c?
TheAunt: I mean really
TheAunt: I call you and you never answer
TheAunt: I leave you messages and you never call back
TheAunt: I send you emails and you don't respond
TheAunt: the only time I really have contact with you anymore is at this late hour chatting on the net
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:28:38 AM): um, when have you called?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:28:46 AM): you send me forwards
TheAunt: lol
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:29:03 AM): get real
TheAunt: okay then
TheAunt: you wanna drop off the face of the earth and drown in that deep darkness
TheAunt: go for it
TheAunt: it's not pretty at all though
TheAunt: and it's hard as hell to get out of
TheAunt: knock yourself out
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:31:15 AM): fuck you too, then
TheAunt: why do you say that to me?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:31:32 AM): because that's not at all what i am doing
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:31:44 AM): why have you said any of what you said?
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:31:51 AM): kick me when i'm down
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:32:02 AM): did you learn that one in group?
TheAunt: I'm not kicking you at all
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:32:11 AM): yes you ARE
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:32:31 AM): and since you're not going to own any part of it, i'm done.
TheAunt: I think you're getting so mad and defensive, cause you know deep down that you should be out there working and making your way
misspissed82 (4/12/2006 3:32:52 AM): i had to wake up jesse because of you've said to me tonight
TheAunt: so what happens if things turn out like Michael, or Abby did?
TheAunt: with you and J
TheAunt: not that I want that, but what if?
it was at this point that years of frustration with her boiled right up and over, and i picked up the phone. no one ever says shit to her because they're intimidated by that famous family temper. well, honey, you met your match. NO ONE paints me into a corner. i asked her what the hell she was going on about...of course she couldn't make a point that made sense, with examples and such. of course not. just more judgements and nastiness about how i need to get my shit together.
"i worry about you," she says. then ACT like it, dammit. you were going to come up here and visit me because i said i needed you. that was weeks ago. you called me the day of your visit to cancel. you were sick. fine. said you were coming when you had the time and money. okay. it's not been mentioned again. however, i do hope that your two day shopping spree last week went well. you had time, you had money, i never saw you. so you worry. you fret. you judge. guess what? i don't need ANY of it.
so it all comes down to this...
"you worry? you want to help? then encourage me. support me. can you do that?"
....silence....
"okay then. then you can just get the hell out like all the rest. fuck you. i don't need it."
"fine, c. fine. i'm gone. that's what you want? bye, c."
*click*
i stare at j, and blink, because it's all so fucking ridiculous. all this OVER MY CAR? i kept asking her what she thought a job was going to do for me. how it was supposed to save me. because i've done that, time and time again....and i'm STILL sitting here. i'm still having to face all this. but that's her MO...one more addiction, one more distraction.
it hurts. like hell. i won't lie. i loved her madly. once upon a time, there was a pedastal in my mind with her name on it. but things change. i'm grown up now. i'm running my own show. i'm working hard on the process, on being humble, staying open, being present. that's my job.
and this time, i'm not going to apologize.