Fic : Healing is a process - chapter 5
Pairing:Charles/Erik
Rating:T
Warnings: AU
Summary:This is a response to an lj prompt about Erik being hurt as Shaw flung him to the pipes and the effects of it all. It will be Charles/Erik. Prompt can be found here: 1stclass-kink.livejournal.com/4418.html
Erik woke up feeling groggy and disoriented. A faint beeping sound reached his ears. Then came the pain.
That was something familiar. A sensation he had woken up to for as long as he could remember. Most of the time it was mental, the product of nightmares spun by real experiences. Today, it was purely physical. Pain was something he knew well. It had been a constant companion throughout his existence.
He had never shied away from it. Not after Shaw. Pain had become a friend to him. A reminder that he was still alive and that he had something he had to do. Whether it was physical or mental, he had been through intense pain before, enough to know how to tame it, up to a point.
That was how on the beach-
Ah, the beach. Now Erik remembered.
Shaw was dead.
A smile spread on his face and he begun laughing.
Shaw was no more.
He had killed him.
Then he noticed a movement, near his right hand. A second later he found himself staring in the blue sleepy eyes of Charles Xavier.
"Erik, you're awake," he muttered and gave him a bright smile that reached his eyes.
A sincere smile of joy.
The nod Erik gave him seemed to please him even more.
From the very first time he had met Charles, Erik had been captivated by his eyes. Radiant eyes that held so much hope, kindness and love. The telepath was determined to see good in others and to help them. Even Erik was no exception.
Often the magnetokinetic found himself wishing he could be what the other man wanted him to be. Because to disappoint Charles, who so readily accepted everyone, seemed like a grave sin, even in a sinner's eyes.
But he couldn't.
For the longest of times he had been bound by chains of hate; fueled by revenge. Everything he had done was to survive and reach his one goal, his one true ambition, Shaw.
He had seen Charles's eyes darken with disappointment and concern when he had expressed his intentions regarding the man that had killed his mother. He had known that that could be the turning point of their relationship, their friendship. Even Charles's acceptance must have limits, certain things even Charles couldn't ignore, Erik had mused at one point.
"Why are you here?" he asked with a hoarse voice.
The question seemed to surprise the other man. His smile lost some of its strength and his eyes darkened slightly.
Erik felt Charles's hand envelop his.
Now he was genuinely surprised.
Why was Charles still here, with him. After what he had done? After the helmet.
He had known well what it had meant to put on that helmet. He had intended to cut himself off from Charles. He had wanted to erect a wall between them because he knew that this was it. He had done something that Charles couldn't forgive. There was no going back after that.
"I am here because you are my friend and I care about you. Even if..." the telepath's voice trailed away.
Erik took a painful breath. He felt anger rising within him as he spoke, "Even if I killed someone in cold blood?"
Charles looked at him with disbelief before shaking his head, "No, that wasn't what I wanted to say."
"Then what Charles?" the mental bender almost demanded, trying to muster the strength to sit up but finding it very difficult.
"Even if you didn't want me here," came the other man's reply. His eyes downcast.
The magnetokinetic was at a loss, "Didn't want..."
How could he think that I-
There was something strange about all this, Erik realized. It was as if Charles was apprehensive of something, almost afraid. He had never seen him so reserved and cautious.
Cautious.
That was it. Realization dawned on him.
Charles is actively trying to stay away from my mind.
This is because of that verdammt helmet!
Yet again I have disappointed him. I showed him that I didn't trust him.
"I am sorry Charles," Erik spoke softly, almost astonished at his own words as they left his lips.
"For what?" Yet again the telepath seemed surprised.
"For not being who you want me to be."
As he uttered those words, Erik's eyes were fixed on the ceiling of his, off-white room.
For a moment only the heart monitor's beeping could be heard.
"How do you know you're not?" Charles asked, a very soft expression on his face as he made eye contact. "How do you know you're not exactly as I want you to be?" He pressed.
Erik looked at him thoughtfully.
"You don't see yourself clearly my friend. I told you before, there is so much more to you than you know," The telepath continued. "As for Shaw...I cannot begrudge you that. Not, knowing what I know. Even if I regret it had to be this way."
"You could have let him go," Erik said.
"But I didn't," The telepath replied, shaking his head. "If I had, he could have killed you and that wasn't something I would want to happen."
With great concentration and sheer power of will, Erik moved the bed to get himself into an almost sitting position.
"Erik!" Charles protested.
The magnetokinetic ignored him and tried to shift into a more comfortable position before speaking again, "Where are we Charles?"
"New York Hospital. Azazel, Shaw's teleporter brought us here just after you so heroically urged us to leave you behind on that island," The telepath was trying to keep the anger from his voice but wasn't succeeding.
He was so angry at Erik for that. He appreciated greatly that the magnetokinetic was inclined to sacrifice himself for his fellow mutants but that was something he never wanted to experience again. How could Erik have thought that they would leave him behind, that he would leave him behind.
"You were severely injured, bleeding internally. You have a few cracked ribs and a broken one that had nicked your left lung and heart," He explained as coolly as he could but still at times his voice shook as he remembered the moments he had spent in fear of losing his friend.
"You have been asleep for more than 12 hours, on and off due to the anesthesia and the fatigue," The telepath concluded, earning a nod from the man sitting in front of him.
This recounting didn't seem to bother Erik, he seemed uninterested in his own condition.
"When will I be able to get out of here?" He asked calmly.
"The doctor said it will be about a week before you can come home with us," Charles replied, a hint of hope in his eyes.
"Home...Could I really do that Charles?" Erik enquired, his voice a strange mix of emotions.
Even though Charles was a good person, he was not a saint, try though he might. Could he really return to the mansion? Did he want to? Did he have the right to seek out that peace that he had felt in the brief days he had spent there? The peace he had denied he wanted or needed?
Charles squeezed gently his hand, "You will always be welcome there Erik. It will be your home for as long as you want it to be."
"There are many things that separate us," The mentalbender stated.
"That may be, but I believe that there are far more that unite us," Charles countered.
"You know that my methods are very different from yours," Erik told him, looking straight into his eyes.
Charles stood his ground. He seemed determined, "I do. But Erik, I am hoping to find a middle ground."
A middle ground. Yet another of Charles's idealistic visions? When push came to shove could they really hold it together? They were two very different people. Different backgrounds, different experiences that had formed their views on life. Erik was the product of the hard reality and what it could inflict on people. Forged in pain, conflict and having largely experienced the worst of what the human race was capable of.
Charles on the other hand had been raised in privilege and though Erik suspected from few words here and there that it had been exactly idyllic, he had lived a much calmer life. He had had Raven by his side and though his ability must have caused him some problems, he had had someone to share them with. For many years he had been an observer of humanity, seeing the best and the worst in them but always through a filter. He had never experienced firsthand that darkness that dominated the hearts of some people. Allowing him the ability to theorize about peace and to hope.
But those differences are what bind you two together.
A voice whispered in his mind, at first he thought it was his friend but he realized it was his own.
It was true. They had worked together well and they had succeeded. In a sense, Charles and he were like yin and yang. Two opposing forces that complemented each other. Necessary for one another.
"Please Erik, give us a chance," Charles's tone was almost pleading.
However, everything came down to one thing. Did Erik want to go back with Charles? Was that the kind of life he wanted?
Yes, he wanted Charles by his side.
He would feel so alone if the telepath ever left him.
The realization almost came too late.
I almost lost him once, because I was afraid what it would mean if he turned his back on me.
But am I so selfish as to possibly put Charles through the same thing again, make him accessory to murder? Like I did with Shaw?
The thought of Charles's hands stained with blood made his heart constrict.
From the first moment he had met the telepath Erik had felt very protective of him, because he was something Erik was not. He was pure and kind and caring. And he had seemed like he genuinely cared about Erik, despite his darkness.
For so long Erik had been alone and seeing people like him readily accept him had been a gift. He had taken the risk and opened up to Charles and had gotten to know him. They had gotten close and Erik for the first time in many years had found a friend. No, more than a friend, an equal. And for a brief period of time he had been happy. But deep down Erik had been afraid of the connection he had so easily established with the other man.
There was that part of him that warned against attachments. Friends and family could be used against you. Shaw had taught him that particular lesson very well.
If you had no one to care for, or no one to care for you, there was no danger of them dying because of you. If you loved no one, then you wouldn't live in fear of losing them. Charles was important to Erik and that made him a liability. But though Erik had struggled, he had realized he was unable to resist him.
He would have walked away from that first moment in the CIA facility, after he had gotten what he had wanted. But Charles had intervened and Erik had let himself be persuaded. It was as if the telepath was his own personal magnet. So, since he was unable to break free of this attachment, Erik had made his decision to protect him. He wouldn't let Charles suffer because of him. He wouldn't let him get hurt.
Even if that meant protecting him from afar.
Or, protecting him from Erik himself.
So why was he now wavering?
For good or ill, Charles seemed to want him, to need him and for now that was enough.
Taking a breath, he reached a decision, "Okay Charles, let's give this a chance."
At the sight of the smile that bloomed on his friend's face and the joy that reflected in the man's eyes, Erik couldn't help but grin a bit himself. Reveling in the comfortable silence, they just sat there looking at each other; smiling.
Suddenly the door opened, a little abruptly. Tearing the attention of the two men, from one another, towards the woman that was standing at the opening.
"Charles!" came Moira's exasperated voice.
"H-hey Moira," the telepath replied, blushing slightly.
She looked angry.
"Raven told me you were not to leave your room until the doctor came to check on you!"
Charles gave half a laugh.
You snuck out of your room?
The thought was directly aimed at Charles and he must have perceived it because he turned towards his bedridden friend, a surprised expression on his face. He searched the Erik's eyes as if asking permission. The magnetokinetic gave him a slight nod.
Y-yes. I wanted to check up on you.
Erik looked amused for a moment and relieved, it felt familiar to have Charles speak to him this way.
Then what Moira had said caught up with him.
"Wait, why where you in a hospital room?" He demanded, concern evident in his voice.
"Because the Professor here overexerted himself and he continues to do so despite doctor's orders," Moira provided helpfully.
"I'm okay," Charles said, earning a glare from Moira, "Really."
"I'm not hearing any of it. I am taking you back to your room," She declared.
Help me?
Came Charles's playfully pleading voice in his head.
Erik shook his head before sending a thought to his friend.
Oh no, I am with Moira on this one.
Traitor!
Charles's mock-glared at him as he let himself be led out of the room.
"It's good to see you are okay Erik," Moira said, sparing him a smile, as she half-dragged the errant professor by the hand.
Go and rest Charles, we will have time to talk later.
That must have been the right thing to say since he could swear he felt relief coming from the telepath's mind.
Rating:T
Warnings: AU
Summary:This is a response to an lj prompt about Erik being hurt as Shaw flung him to the pipes and the effects of it all. It will be Charles/Erik. Prompt can be found here: 1stclass-kink.livejournal.com/4418.html
Erik woke up feeling groggy and disoriented. A faint beeping sound reached his ears. Then came the pain.
That was something familiar. A sensation he had woken up to for as long as he could remember. Most of the time it was mental, the product of nightmares spun by real experiences. Today, it was purely physical. Pain was something he knew well. It had been a constant companion throughout his existence.
He had never shied away from it. Not after Shaw. Pain had become a friend to him. A reminder that he was still alive and that he had something he had to do. Whether it was physical or mental, he had been through intense pain before, enough to know how to tame it, up to a point.
That was how on the beach-
Ah, the beach. Now Erik remembered.
Shaw was dead.
A smile spread on his face and he begun laughing.
Shaw was no more.
He had killed him.
Then he noticed a movement, near his right hand. A second later he found himself staring in the blue sleepy eyes of Charles Xavier.
"Erik, you're awake," he muttered and gave him a bright smile that reached his eyes.
A sincere smile of joy.
The nod Erik gave him seemed to please him even more.
From the very first time he had met Charles, Erik had been captivated by his eyes. Radiant eyes that held so much hope, kindness and love. The telepath was determined to see good in others and to help them. Even Erik was no exception.
Often the magnetokinetic found himself wishing he could be what the other man wanted him to be. Because to disappoint Charles, who so readily accepted everyone, seemed like a grave sin, even in a sinner's eyes.
But he couldn't.
For the longest of times he had been bound by chains of hate; fueled by revenge. Everything he had done was to survive and reach his one goal, his one true ambition, Shaw.
He had seen Charles's eyes darken with disappointment and concern when he had expressed his intentions regarding the man that had killed his mother. He had known that that could be the turning point of their relationship, their friendship. Even Charles's acceptance must have limits, certain things even Charles couldn't ignore, Erik had mused at one point.
"Why are you here?" he asked with a hoarse voice.
The question seemed to surprise the other man. His smile lost some of its strength and his eyes darkened slightly.
Erik felt Charles's hand envelop his.
Now he was genuinely surprised.
Why was Charles still here, with him. After what he had done? After the helmet.
He had known well what it had meant to put on that helmet. He had intended to cut himself off from Charles. He had wanted to erect a wall between them because he knew that this was it. He had done something that Charles couldn't forgive. There was no going back after that.
"I am here because you are my friend and I care about you. Even if..." the telepath's voice trailed away.
Erik took a painful breath. He felt anger rising within him as he spoke, "Even if I killed someone in cold blood?"
Charles looked at him with disbelief before shaking his head, "No, that wasn't what I wanted to say."
"Then what Charles?" the mental bender almost demanded, trying to muster the strength to sit up but finding it very difficult.
"Even if you didn't want me here," came the other man's reply. His eyes downcast.
The magnetokinetic was at a loss, "Didn't want..."
How could he think that I-
There was something strange about all this, Erik realized. It was as if Charles was apprehensive of something, almost afraid. He had never seen him so reserved and cautious.
Cautious.
That was it. Realization dawned on him.
Charles is actively trying to stay away from my mind.
This is because of that verdammt helmet!
Yet again I have disappointed him. I showed him that I didn't trust him.
"I am sorry Charles," Erik spoke softly, almost astonished at his own words as they left his lips.
"For what?" Yet again the telepath seemed surprised.
"For not being who you want me to be."
As he uttered those words, Erik's eyes were fixed on the ceiling of his, off-white room.
For a moment only the heart monitor's beeping could be heard.
"How do you know you're not?" Charles asked, a very soft expression on his face as he made eye contact. "How do you know you're not exactly as I want you to be?" He pressed.
Erik looked at him thoughtfully.
"You don't see yourself clearly my friend. I told you before, there is so much more to you than you know," The telepath continued. "As for Shaw...I cannot begrudge you that. Not, knowing what I know. Even if I regret it had to be this way."
"You could have let him go," Erik said.
"But I didn't," The telepath replied, shaking his head. "If I had, he could have killed you and that wasn't something I would want to happen."
With great concentration and sheer power of will, Erik moved the bed to get himself into an almost sitting position.
"Erik!" Charles protested.
The magnetokinetic ignored him and tried to shift into a more comfortable position before speaking again, "Where are we Charles?"
"New York Hospital. Azazel, Shaw's teleporter brought us here just after you so heroically urged us to leave you behind on that island," The telepath was trying to keep the anger from his voice but wasn't succeeding.
He was so angry at Erik for that. He appreciated greatly that the magnetokinetic was inclined to sacrifice himself for his fellow mutants but that was something he never wanted to experience again. How could Erik have thought that they would leave him behind, that he would leave him behind.
"You were severely injured, bleeding internally. You have a few cracked ribs and a broken one that had nicked your left lung and heart," He explained as coolly as he could but still at times his voice shook as he remembered the moments he had spent in fear of losing his friend.
"You have been asleep for more than 12 hours, on and off due to the anesthesia and the fatigue," The telepath concluded, earning a nod from the man sitting in front of him.
This recounting didn't seem to bother Erik, he seemed uninterested in his own condition.
"When will I be able to get out of here?" He asked calmly.
"The doctor said it will be about a week before you can come home with us," Charles replied, a hint of hope in his eyes.
"Home...Could I really do that Charles?" Erik enquired, his voice a strange mix of emotions.
Even though Charles was a good person, he was not a saint, try though he might. Could he really return to the mansion? Did he want to? Did he have the right to seek out that peace that he had felt in the brief days he had spent there? The peace he had denied he wanted or needed?
Charles squeezed gently his hand, "You will always be welcome there Erik. It will be your home for as long as you want it to be."
"There are many things that separate us," The mentalbender stated.
"That may be, but I believe that there are far more that unite us," Charles countered.
"You know that my methods are very different from yours," Erik told him, looking straight into his eyes.
Charles stood his ground. He seemed determined, "I do. But Erik, I am hoping to find a middle ground."
A middle ground. Yet another of Charles's idealistic visions? When push came to shove could they really hold it together? They were two very different people. Different backgrounds, different experiences that had formed their views on life. Erik was the product of the hard reality and what it could inflict on people. Forged in pain, conflict and having largely experienced the worst of what the human race was capable of.
Charles on the other hand had been raised in privilege and though Erik suspected from few words here and there that it had been exactly idyllic, he had lived a much calmer life. He had had Raven by his side and though his ability must have caused him some problems, he had had someone to share them with. For many years he had been an observer of humanity, seeing the best and the worst in them but always through a filter. He had never experienced firsthand that darkness that dominated the hearts of some people. Allowing him the ability to theorize about peace and to hope.
But those differences are what bind you two together.
A voice whispered in his mind, at first he thought it was his friend but he realized it was his own.
It was true. They had worked together well and they had succeeded. In a sense, Charles and he were like yin and yang. Two opposing forces that complemented each other. Necessary for one another.
"Please Erik, give us a chance," Charles's tone was almost pleading.
However, everything came down to one thing. Did Erik want to go back with Charles? Was that the kind of life he wanted?
Yes, he wanted Charles by his side.
He would feel so alone if the telepath ever left him.
The realization almost came too late.
I almost lost him once, because I was afraid what it would mean if he turned his back on me.
But am I so selfish as to possibly put Charles through the same thing again, make him accessory to murder? Like I did with Shaw?
The thought of Charles's hands stained with blood made his heart constrict.
From the first moment he had met the telepath Erik had felt very protective of him, because he was something Erik was not. He was pure and kind and caring. And he had seemed like he genuinely cared about Erik, despite his darkness.
For so long Erik had been alone and seeing people like him readily accept him had been a gift. He had taken the risk and opened up to Charles and had gotten to know him. They had gotten close and Erik for the first time in many years had found a friend. No, more than a friend, an equal. And for a brief period of time he had been happy. But deep down Erik had been afraid of the connection he had so easily established with the other man.
There was that part of him that warned against attachments. Friends and family could be used against you. Shaw had taught him that particular lesson very well.
If you had no one to care for, or no one to care for you, there was no danger of them dying because of you. If you loved no one, then you wouldn't live in fear of losing them. Charles was important to Erik and that made him a liability. But though Erik had struggled, he had realized he was unable to resist him.
He would have walked away from that first moment in the CIA facility, after he had gotten what he had wanted. But Charles had intervened and Erik had let himself be persuaded. It was as if the telepath was his own personal magnet. So, since he was unable to break free of this attachment, Erik had made his decision to protect him. He wouldn't let Charles suffer because of him. He wouldn't let him get hurt.
Even if that meant protecting him from afar.
Or, protecting him from Erik himself.
So why was he now wavering?
For good or ill, Charles seemed to want him, to need him and for now that was enough.
Taking a breath, he reached a decision, "Okay Charles, let's give this a chance."
At the sight of the smile that bloomed on his friend's face and the joy that reflected in the man's eyes, Erik couldn't help but grin a bit himself. Reveling in the comfortable silence, they just sat there looking at each other; smiling.
Suddenly the door opened, a little abruptly. Tearing the attention of the two men, from one another, towards the woman that was standing at the opening.
"Charles!" came Moira's exasperated voice.
"H-hey Moira," the telepath replied, blushing slightly.
She looked angry.
"Raven told me you were not to leave your room until the doctor came to check on you!"
Charles gave half a laugh.
You snuck out of your room?
The thought was directly aimed at Charles and he must have perceived it because he turned towards his bedridden friend, a surprised expression on his face. He searched the Erik's eyes as if asking permission. The magnetokinetic gave him a slight nod.
Y-yes. I wanted to check up on you.
Erik looked amused for a moment and relieved, it felt familiar to have Charles speak to him this way.
Then what Moira had said caught up with him.
"Wait, why where you in a hospital room?" He demanded, concern evident in his voice.
"Because the Professor here overexerted himself and he continues to do so despite doctor's orders," Moira provided helpfully.
"I'm okay," Charles said, earning a glare from Moira, "Really."
"I'm not hearing any of it. I am taking you back to your room," She declared.
Help me?
Came Charles's playfully pleading voice in his head.
Erik shook his head before sending a thought to his friend.
Oh no, I am with Moira on this one.
Traitor!
Charles's mock-glared at him as he let himself be led out of the room.
"It's good to see you are okay Erik," Moira said, sparing him a smile, as she half-dragged the errant professor by the hand.
Go and rest Charles, we will have time to talk later.
That must have been the right thing to say since he could swear he felt relief coming from the telepath's mind.