Fic + Art: Like a Virgin
Title: LIKE A VIRGIN
Author: bellajayd
Artist: angelicfoodcake
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Castiel/Dean (pre-slash)
Spoilers: Through 4.05.
Warnings: Bad language. This is 100% PURE CRACK! MASSIVE FLUFF. YOU WILL CHOKE ON IT.
Disclaimer: This is all a beautiful lie, but let me tell it anyway.
Word Count: 1,750+
Beta: The awesome aisling_door.
Notes: Not part of Second Verse or Pie!Verse. F-list - I BLAME YOU. angelicfoodcake, you are a goddess who treads upon the ground. Thanks for the lovely Cas art!!! (crappy art at the end is from Microsoft clip art).
Summary: In which, Dean wasn’t joking when he said that he’d been rehymenated and Cas reveals that he wasn’t paying attention in biology. Sam just wants to sleep.
The instant that the newly resurrected Dean Winchester had a free moment he locked himself into a bathroom and stripped down to his birthday suit with the intention of making sure that everything was where it should be.
Ten finger and toes. Check.
Two hands and feet. Check.
One anti-possession tattoo. Check.
One generously sized, if he did say so himself, pair of cock n’ balls. Check.
Eyes and ears where they should be. Check.
Angelic handprint burned into his shoulder . . . . . . Check.
Well. Okay then, all systems were a “go.”
He caught sight of his reflection in the mirror and let his lips pull into a familiar smirk. “Yeah! Dean Winchester is back and better than ever!” He winked saucily at himself and turned to take a shower.
--------------------------------
Two days later, Dean was taking another shower but he certainly wasn’t happy.
In fact, he was freaking right-the-fuck-out.
Anyone would be if they realized there was something in their ass that didn’t belong there.
He swallowed dryly. Maybe he’d just felt around down . . . down there wrong. It could be something totally normal. He was probably making a big deal out of nothing.
Yeah.
Okay, so he’d just have to check again.
Dean took a deep breath and steeled himself as he slowly reached around back and slipped a finger into, well, into himself.
It was smooth sailing for the first inch or so and then -
Even though he was standing motionless, it felt as if the bathroom was spinning around him at a thousand miles an hour.
He must be wrong.
There was no way he could be feeling what he thought he was feeling. Especially not in his ass. He’s a man, for fucks sake, and it was an ass. It was a butt, a derrière, a tush and they just didn’t have those.
It was impossible.
Dean slipped another finger into his body’s natural “out-chute” and felt again.
Just to make sure.
He knew the Winchesters were famous for making the impossible a part of their everyday reality but this had to take the angel food cake.
And, yeah, there it was. No doubt about it.
Screw being resurrected, he had a hymen in his butt!
--------------------------------
Sam Winchester spent a lot of time worrying about his older brother, especially when Dean started to spend most of his free time sitting on top of the Impala’s hood in random motel parking lots screaming his head off in an attempt to summon the angel Castiel.
For the past two days Dean would wake up, get dressed, and go outside and start a-hollering for -
“CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”
Yep, there he went again.
Sam checked his alarm clock, it was only 6am. Dean had decided to get an early start today.
“CAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS! YOU GET YOUR SKINNY ASS . . . uh . . . YOUR BUTT . . .GAH. . . JUST GET YOURSELF DOWN HERE!”
Sam yanked a pillow over his head. He had no idea what Dean had stuck up his butt, but it obviously wasn’t serious or life threatening. Which meant that the youngest known Winchester was going back to bed.
--------------------------------
The angel Castiel let out a soft sigh as Uriel started snickering next to him. Dean Winchester’s cries had been echoing throughout the entire Celestial Plane.
“Ahhh, Castiel, just when I think there is nothing left to laugh at in this world you go and turn Dean Winchester into a literal virgin.” Uriel’s naturally deep voice slid down a register as he continued to chuckle.
If Castiel could blush, he would. As it stood, all he could do was dim his light a bit in hopes that his brothers and sisters wouldn’t notice him.
“A hymen!!” Michael, God’s fiercest warrior, yelled in Castiel’s direction as he whisked by in a flurry of brassy light, trailing soft giggles behind him.
Castiel groaned to himself. The Angelic Spheres would never let him live this down.
He honestly hadn’t known! It had been an innocent mistake. He hadn’t been to visit the Earthly Plane in over two thousand years - even then, he had only descended to deliver a quick message to a finicky prophet.
He had labored intensely over Dean’s new body and he’d been so sure it had been perfect! He’d spent endless hours adjusting the curve of a calve muscle or the sweep of an eyebrow. To think of the days he’d used making sure Dean’s freckles were placed just so!
Castiel had been told Dean had to be made pure or he would not be able to fulfill his Heavenly purpose.
Virginity was often a sign of purity. How was he to have known that human men didn’t have hymens?
“CAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS! YOU GET YOUR SKINNY ASS . . . uh . . . YOUR BUTT . . .GAH. . . JUST GET YOURSELF DOWN HERE!”
At least Castiel could find some solace in the fact that he hadn’t failed to give Dean a good pair of lungs.
He felt Uriel glide closer, “Brother, you really should answer the monkey’s summons before he screams down the very heavens.”
--------------------------------
It was 6am and Dean decided that he was gonna kill himself one scrawny, tax accountant wanna-be angel. He took a deep breath, fully prepared to shout himself hoarse, and belted out, “CAAAAAAAAA -”
“I’m here Dean.” And he was. One moment the motel parking lot had been empty save for Dean and the Impala and then there was an angel standing in the middle of it. But now that the angel was in front of him Dean didn’t quite know what to do.
Thus, time ambled by as a celestial and human being stood in a parking lot and stared at one another.
Finally, Dean set his shoulders, hopped off the Impala, and walked toward Castiel. He kept striding steadily forward until the angel was forced to walk backwards or be trampled. Eventually, Castiel backed into a wall and Dean’s face was inches from his own.
“There is a hymen in my ass,” Dean whispered ferociously.
Castiel had been a warrior of God for eons, but he’d never been given a look that was as deadly as the one blazing in Dean Winchester’s green eyes. “I know.”
Said eyes narrowed, “I know you know!” he hissed under his breath, “You put it there!”
Dean could have sworn the angel blushed as he spoke, “I’m sorry Dean, it was an error on my part.”
Cas sounded so forlorn that Dean felt all of his anger melt away. The little guy was staring at the ground and shuffling his feet, which just made Dean want to comfort him.
Anything to stop the angel from looking so pathetic.
As it was, he just took a step back and patted Cas awkwardly on the shoulder, “Umm. Hey, look it’s not so bad. It’s just really . . . uh . . . it’s really weird,” he paused and took another step back while running a hand through his hair. “I mean, there’s a hymen in my ass! That’s kinda freaky. It’s not natural! How am I able to poop?!! It’s just wrong!”
Dean started to pace in agitation until he abruptly turned around ready to start shouting, but Cas was standing in front of him holding a perky looking violet.
Cas had managed to do what thirty years on Earth and forty years in Hell hadn’t: silence Dean Winchester.
The angel gathered his courage and held out the small flower to Dean; floral arrangements were, after all, the traditional means of demonstrating remorse amongst humans. “I’m very sorry, Dean,” Castiel murmured softly while looking at Dean with imploring eyes. “It was a mistake on my part. But you shouldn’t worry . . . it won’t hurt you. You should be fine.”
Dean was rooted in place, unable to do anything but stare at the small innocuous flower being offered to him.
No one had ever given him a flower before, certainly not an angel that was anxiously peeking up at him through a heavy fringe of eyelashes.
Dean didn’t know what to do.
He cleared his throat to buy his mind some time to think. Finally, he did what he thought his Mamma would have wanted him to do - he reached out and took the small blossom. He was instantly reassured that he’d done the right thing because an obviously pleased look eased over Castiel's face.
“Th - thanks Cas. It’s . . . um . . . it’s okay. Like you said, it won’t hurt me any so no harm, no foul.” Dean didn’t think that the angel understood the sports analogy, but it seemed that Cas got the message that his apology was accepted once his eyes brightened. Dean continued, “Besides, it could have been soooo much worse! You really could have screwed up and made me able to have babies or something even creepier!”
Dean looked down at the flower and laughed nervously to cover up the cold sweat that had broken out along his spine at the thought of the all of the really horrible things that Cas could have messed up.
He’d gotten off easy with a butt hymen.
“Hahahaha. Right, Cas? At least I can’t get pregnant!” Dean looked up when there was no response from the angel, only to find that he was once again standing alone in the motel parking lot. His chest felt as if someone had squeezed all of the air out of it, “Haha . . . I can’t get pregnant, can I? Cas? CAS!”
A breeze blew some weeds across the concrete.
Dean’s fist clenched around the flower.
“CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!”
The End
Author: bellajayd
Artist: angelicfoodcake
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Castiel/Dean (pre-slash)
Spoilers: Through 4.05.
Warnings: Bad language. This is 100% PURE CRACK! MASSIVE FLUFF. YOU WILL CHOKE ON IT.
Disclaimer: This is all a beautiful lie, but let me tell it anyway.
Word Count: 1,750+
Beta: The awesome aisling_door.
Notes: Not part of Second Verse or Pie!Verse. F-list - I BLAME YOU. angelicfoodcake, you are a goddess who treads upon the ground. Thanks for the lovely Cas art!!! (crappy art at the end is from Microsoft clip art).
Summary: In which, Dean wasn’t joking when he said that he’d been rehymenated and Cas reveals that he wasn’t paying attention in biology. Sam just wants to sleep.
The instant that the newly resurrected Dean Winchester had a free moment he locked himself into a bathroom and stripped down to his birthday suit with the intention of making sure that everything was where it should be.
Ten finger and toes. Check.
Two hands and feet. Check.
One anti-possession tattoo. Check.
One generously sized, if he did say so himself, pair of cock n’ balls. Check.
Eyes and ears where they should be. Check.
Angelic handprint burned into his shoulder . . . . . . Check.
Well. Okay then, all systems were a “go.”
He caught sight of his reflection in the mirror and let his lips pull into a familiar smirk. “Yeah! Dean Winchester is back and better than ever!” He winked saucily at himself and turned to take a shower.
--------------------------------
Two days later, Dean was taking another shower but he certainly wasn’t happy.
In fact, he was freaking right-the-fuck-out.
Anyone would be if they realized there was something in their ass that didn’t belong there.
He swallowed dryly. Maybe he’d just felt around down . . . down there wrong. It could be something totally normal. He was probably making a big deal out of nothing.
Yeah.
Okay, so he’d just have to check again.
Dean took a deep breath and steeled himself as he slowly reached around back and slipped a finger into, well, into himself.
It was smooth sailing for the first inch or so and then -
Even though he was standing motionless, it felt as if the bathroom was spinning around him at a thousand miles an hour.
He must be wrong.
There was no way he could be feeling what he thought he was feeling. Especially not in his ass. He’s a man, for fucks sake, and it was an ass. It was a butt, a derrière, a tush and they just didn’t have those.
It was impossible.
Dean slipped another finger into his body’s natural “out-chute” and felt again.
Just to make sure.
He knew the Winchesters were famous for making the impossible a part of their everyday reality but this had to take the angel food cake.
And, yeah, there it was. No doubt about it.
Screw being resurrected, he had a hymen in his butt!
--------------------------------
Sam Winchester spent a lot of time worrying about his older brother, especially when Dean started to spend most of his free time sitting on top of the Impala’s hood in random motel parking lots screaming his head off in an attempt to summon the angel Castiel.
For the past two days Dean would wake up, get dressed, and go outside and start a-hollering for -
“CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”
Yep, there he went again.
Sam checked his alarm clock, it was only 6am. Dean had decided to get an early start today.
“CAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS! YOU GET YOUR SKINNY ASS . . . uh . . . YOUR BUTT . . .GAH. . . JUST GET YOURSELF DOWN HERE!”
Sam yanked a pillow over his head. He had no idea what Dean had stuck up his butt, but it obviously wasn’t serious or life threatening. Which meant that the youngest known Winchester was going back to bed.
--------------------------------
The angel Castiel let out a soft sigh as Uriel started snickering next to him. Dean Winchester’s cries had been echoing throughout the entire Celestial Plane.
“Ahhh, Castiel, just when I think there is nothing left to laugh at in this world you go and turn Dean Winchester into a literal virgin.” Uriel’s naturally deep voice slid down a register as he continued to chuckle.
If Castiel could blush, he would. As it stood, all he could do was dim his light a bit in hopes that his brothers and sisters wouldn’t notice him.
“A hymen!!” Michael, God’s fiercest warrior, yelled in Castiel’s direction as he whisked by in a flurry of brassy light, trailing soft giggles behind him.
Castiel groaned to himself. The Angelic Spheres would never let him live this down.
He honestly hadn’t known! It had been an innocent mistake. He hadn’t been to visit the Earthly Plane in over two thousand years - even then, he had only descended to deliver a quick message to a finicky prophet.
He had labored intensely over Dean’s new body and he’d been so sure it had been perfect! He’d spent endless hours adjusting the curve of a calve muscle or the sweep of an eyebrow. To think of the days he’d used making sure Dean’s freckles were placed just so!
Castiel had been told Dean had to be made pure or he would not be able to fulfill his Heavenly purpose.
Virginity was often a sign of purity. How was he to have known that human men didn’t have hymens?
“CAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS! YOU GET YOUR SKINNY ASS . . . uh . . . YOUR BUTT . . .GAH. . . JUST GET YOURSELF DOWN HERE!”
At least Castiel could find some solace in the fact that he hadn’t failed to give Dean a good pair of lungs.
He felt Uriel glide closer, “Brother, you really should answer the monkey’s summons before he screams down the very heavens.”
--------------------------------
It was 6am and Dean decided that he was gonna kill himself one scrawny, tax accountant wanna-be angel. He took a deep breath, fully prepared to shout himself hoarse, and belted out, “CAAAAAAAAA -”
“I’m here Dean.” And he was. One moment the motel parking lot had been empty save for Dean and the Impala and then there was an angel standing in the middle of it. But now that the angel was in front of him Dean didn’t quite know what to do.
Thus, time ambled by as a celestial and human being stood in a parking lot and stared at one another.
Finally, Dean set his shoulders, hopped off the Impala, and walked toward Castiel. He kept striding steadily forward until the angel was forced to walk backwards or be trampled. Eventually, Castiel backed into a wall and Dean’s face was inches from his own.
“There is a hymen in my ass,” Dean whispered ferociously.
Castiel had been a warrior of God for eons, but he’d never been given a look that was as deadly as the one blazing in Dean Winchester’s green eyes. “I know.”
Said eyes narrowed, “I know you know!” he hissed under his breath, “You put it there!”
Dean could have sworn the angel blushed as he spoke, “I’m sorry Dean, it was an error on my part.”
Cas sounded so forlorn that Dean felt all of his anger melt away. The little guy was staring at the ground and shuffling his feet, which just made Dean want to comfort him.
Anything to stop the angel from looking so pathetic.
As it was, he just took a step back and patted Cas awkwardly on the shoulder, “Umm. Hey, look it’s not so bad. It’s just really . . . uh . . . it’s really weird,” he paused and took another step back while running a hand through his hair. “I mean, there’s a hymen in my ass! That’s kinda freaky. It’s not natural! How am I able to poop?!! It’s just wrong!”
Dean started to pace in agitation until he abruptly turned around ready to start shouting, but Cas was standing in front of him holding a perky looking violet.
Cas had managed to do what thirty years on Earth and forty years in Hell hadn’t: silence Dean Winchester.
The angel gathered his courage and held out the small flower to Dean; floral arrangements were, after all, the traditional means of demonstrating remorse amongst humans. “I’m very sorry, Dean,” Castiel murmured softly while looking at Dean with imploring eyes. “It was a mistake on my part. But you shouldn’t worry . . . it won’t hurt you. You should be fine.”
Dean was rooted in place, unable to do anything but stare at the small innocuous flower being offered to him.
No one had ever given him a flower before, certainly not an angel that was anxiously peeking up at him through a heavy fringe of eyelashes.
Dean didn’t know what to do.
He cleared his throat to buy his mind some time to think. Finally, he did what he thought his Mamma would have wanted him to do - he reached out and took the small blossom. He was instantly reassured that he’d done the right thing because an obviously pleased look eased over Castiel's face.
“Th - thanks Cas. It’s . . . um . . . it’s okay. Like you said, it won’t hurt me any so no harm, no foul.” Dean didn’t think that the angel understood the sports analogy, but it seemed that Cas got the message that his apology was accepted once his eyes brightened. Dean continued, “Besides, it could have been soooo much worse! You really could have screwed up and made me able to have babies or something even creepier!”
Dean looked down at the flower and laughed nervously to cover up the cold sweat that had broken out along his spine at the thought of the all of the really horrible things that Cas could have messed up.
He’d gotten off easy with a butt hymen.
“Hahahaha. Right, Cas? At least I can’t get pregnant!” Dean looked up when there was no response from the angel, only to find that he was once again standing alone in the motel parking lot. His chest felt as if someone had squeezed all of the air out of it, “Haha . . . I can’t get pregnant, can I? Cas? CAS!”
A breeze blew some weeds across the concrete.
Dean’s fist clenched around the flower.
“CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!”
The End