Divine Dirt Clods
Last Sunday officially marked my very last Sunday, leading the kids at NCBC.
Have i mentioned that this is really freaking h a r d yet?
i thought the hardest part would be making the definitive decision on it and then announcing it -- which, yeah, that was difficult, but CHANGE has been a slow to hit realization. i realize that i don't know what it's like to just go to church anymore. i hated obligation (always people asking & expecting something of/from me), but i loved being useful and feeling a sense of purpose... and now.... hmm. i don't want to ever just 'go' to church. i crave to be involved. It's ingrained in me. i desire it. i feel fulfillment from being active in wherever i feel like God is moving (which isn't just in church.... but still). i fear being one of those people who slips in the door on a Sunday morning and just as easily slips right back out after a sermon.
At the same time, i also realize i haven't had a real "sabbath" in a looooooooooong time. i think i'm starting to get a grasp on what it means to 'rest in the Lord' in a practical way, but the personal 'how to' of that "what" is still tough. i've taken myself away from many personal enjoyments because of thinking, wow it's selfish of me to want to go running everyday or have days to sleep in. But, busying myself to emotional exhaustion or admittedly thinking man, if only other people would help carry the load (essentially focusing on others and getting stuck in what is and isn't fair) isn't the answer. i've got to find time to be in enjoyment of rest with and delight in God. i don't realize how fragile i am
(and we all are -- "WE COME FROM THE DUST, WE'RE FRAGILE. Like it's written, in the PSALMS, each persons life is but a breath, even those who seem secure. Have you ever walked the halls of a hospital? If you've ever stood over a casket; if you've ever driven by a bad car accident, then you know exactly what i'm talking about. Life is fragile. And yet at the same time, we've been breathed into by the Creator of the Universe. And this Divine breath is in every single human being, ever. Like its written in the PSALMS, PSALM 8 says, that God has crowned us with Glory and Honor. Now the glory and honor in this passage isn't referring to God, it's referring to the people God has made. We're these sacred, divine dirt clods and yet we posess untold power and strength. Your life is but a breath and yet you were made by the Creator of everything." ~ ROB BELL)
until i'm at a point where i'm so exhausted/frustrated/upset at something silly, like someone asking me a simple question, just absolutely breaks me down.
So this is a new journey. i'm sad. i'm exhausted. i'm a little disappointed. i'm excited.
i had the opportunity the other day, after going for a run, to just sit and pray and read scripture and just be with God, away from all distractions. Yesterday morning, by some sort of miracle, i was able to wake up early and spend time with God at the start of my day (that's a discipline i want, but severely lack in discipline of doing because.... i'm spent. i'm tired. Waking up at 5am feels impossible. My body will fight against me for an extra hour of sleep.) And i realize how much of me LONGS for more of these things consistently, versus how many things will fight for my attention away from that longing..
i don't know what's up next, but i think it starts with Sabbath.