Fic: The Hummel-Puckermans Take On The Empire
For senema82 who asked for more - this is your fault! :)
Cara crawled forward pulling back a twig so she could assess the situation. The backyard was full of them, them being the enemy and the enemy being allies of The Galactic Empire.
"Why are we hiding in a bush?"
Cara glared at her cousin Cami "Shhh do you want them to hear you?"
They ducked as one of the giant walking thingys which was obviously pretending to be Uncle Finn lumbered past followed by a chatty robot that looked a lot like Aunty Rachel. Cara’s dads had told her that they were going to have a BBQ to get to know the neighbours but that was obviously a secret code. She wasn’t dumb, even if they hadn’t watched Star Wars again last night it was obvious what was happening. The Empire was clearly striking back, starting with an invasion of their backyard.
"But mommy isn't gunna be happy that we're getting dirty and neither is your daddy."
The thought of Daddy's face the last time Cara had played Star Wars with Dad made her quickly stand up yanking Cami up by his shirt. As she stood she recognised someone at the opposite side of the yard and gasped.
"What? What is it?" Cami asked as Cara quickly stepped behind a tree.
"Look! Its Beth and Shelby."
Cami squinted in their general direction "Do you think they're being held cataptive?"
"You mean captive. No I think they’ve turned to the dark side." She flung her arms up in a dramatic way, just like Daddy when Dad did something naughty. "How could they do this to me!"
Beth was Cara’s sort of sister except she was a lot older and didn’t looking like her or live with her and her dads. Shelby was also Cami’s sort of Grandma. It was complicated but Shelby looked like Aunty Rachel and Beth looked a lot like Dad and they were nice so Cara liked them. That only made their.... what was the word? Betrayal, yes that was it. That only made their betrayal worse! Her own sort of sister but kind of not had joined the enemy.
Cara wiped away an imaginary tear “Come on Cami, there is nothing we can do for them now.”
“Okay what should we hide behind now?”
“No more hiding. We need to find recruits for the rebel alliance.”
Cara looked around until she spotted a bunch of kids standing in a huddle underneath the big tree that Dad was going to build her a house in. Taking Cami’s hand because he was littler than her and little people had to hold the hand of someone bigger in a dangerous situation, Cara moved cautiously towards their potential allies.
Halfway across the yard they were stopped by the robot that was pretending to be Cami’s mom. “Hey sweethearts, what are you playing?”
“Star Wars” Cara said grinning up at Aunty Rachel, or at least the robot version of Aunty Rachel.
“Oooo fun! Are you having fun Cami?”
“Umm yes mommy.” Well duh who wouldn’t be having fun playing Star Wars. It was the best game ever.
There were five other kids in the backyard, two girls and three boys, they had no taste in clothes but beggars couldn’t be choosers when fighting someone as mean as the Emperor. As Cara walked up to them, dragging Cami with her, the biggest boy turned around and gave them a look that she didn’t like at all. She looked him up and down then pushed her bangs across her face before turning to speak to the other kids.
“Hi I’m Cara, I live here and this is my cousin Cami but you can call him Cameron coz you’re not his friends yet.”
“I don’t like your jeans” the big boy said loudly.
Cara tried to raise one eyebrow but both came up “Daddy designed them especially for me. They’re fabulous.” She ran a fingertip along the purple and blue sequined butterfly on her hip, he obviously had as no taste whatsoever.
The boy shrugged “I think they suck.”
She crossed her arms jutting her hip out. "You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them” Cara said repeating the words that Daddy said every time Dad said something about Super Mario Brothers.
The walmart-wearing-fashion-idiot frowned at her then turned to her cousin. “Is that your mommy?” he asked pointing to Aunty Rachel.
“Yep.”
“She’s really fat.” Cami’s face dropped, tears filling his eyes.
Cara glared at the mean boy “She’s not fat you idiot, she’s growing a baby.”
He shrugged and glared back “Well she talks a lot.”
“So?”
The boy glanced back at Cami “Is he gunna cry? Cry baby cry baby” he chanted before pushing the little guy so he fell on his butt.
Cami let out a sob and Cara rushed to help him up giving him a quick cuddle before she turned on the nasty boy with her arms crossed. “That’s it you’re banished.”
“What?” he looked completely shocked.
“You heard me. You’re banished forever from playing Star Wars with us. From now on you will be Jabba the Hut because you’re as ugly on the inside as he is on the outside.” The boy’s mouth dropped open and some of the other kids giggled. “Be gone foul creature.”
“Fine” he mumbled. “Don’t wanna play anyways.”
“Yes you do” Cara yelled as he hurried towards his mom. “Everyone wants to play Star Wars, it’s totally awesome!”
“Do you fink he’ll come back?” Cami sniffed.
“Nope. Don’t worry.” She giggled “You’re just like the shiny guy, the shiny guy always worries.”
“I don’t wanna be the shiny guy.”
“Yes you do. He has a funny name, what is it? Oh I know its SeafweeepeeHo!”
“That is a kinda funny name.” Cami giggled “I wanna be SeafweeepeeHo.”
“Care-bear?”
Cara spun around “Yes Dad?”
“Did you say that Jeremy couldn’t play with you?”
“Who’s Jeremy?” Dad pointed across the yard. “Oh you mean Jabba.”
“Jabba?”
“Yes that’s his name now... or mean boy. Either one is fine.”
For some reason Dad’s face went really red as he bit his lip and his eyes were really twinkly. “It’s kinda mean not letting him play though Care-bear. I mean Daddy wouldn’t like it you know?”
“Yeees” Cara drawled. “But you told me that sometimes you have to defend the weak and defenceless and he was mean to Cami. He pushed him!”
“Did he push you little dude?” Dad bent down picking Cami up, balancing him on one hip and petting his hair as he burrowed his face into her dad’s neck.
“You understand that I had to banish him right Dad? I mean Cami is so teeny tiny, it was my responsibility to protect him and the rest of the rebel alliance.”
He shook his head but his eyes twinkled even more so she knew that he understood that she had done what she had to do.“Cara babe you’re like an inch taller than him.”
“Yeah and you always say I’m tiny which must mean he’s teeny tiny.”
Dad laughed as he set Cami down on the ground and told them to have fun then he wandered back towards Daddy and the other grownups.
Cara wrapped an arm around her cousin’s shoulders “It’s okay Camster.” That was something she sometimes heard Uncle Finn call him, weird because to her it sounded too much like hamster but it always made him smile. “Han Solo will protect you.”
“Who’s playing Han Solo?” the sandy haired boy asked.
“I am of course.”
He twisted his face “But you’re a girl”
Cara’s eyes narrowed as Cami muttered “You shouldn’t have said that” under his breath.
“Han Solo is a badass who says he can’t be played by a girl?” She quickly glanced around to make sure Daddy wasn’t anywhere nearby, he really didn’t like that word. She looked at one of the other kids “What’s your name?”
“Jake.”
“Nice to meet you Jake, you are now Princess Leia” she said happily.
“Why do I have to be a girl? Can’t I be Luke?”
Cami shook his head “Luke is off learning to hit the pokeball with his light up sword.”
They all turned as the grownups laughed at some story that Dad was telling them, well all the grownups except Daddy who rolled his eyes but Cara didn’t miss his small smile or how he tucked his hand into Dad’s.
Cami tugged on her sleeve “Maybe my mommy should have been a wookie, she laughs loud.”
Giggling she shook her head “She’s not hairy enough.”
“Who’s the man in the wheelchair?” one of the girls asked quietly.
“That’s R2D2. What’s your name?”
“Sarah.”
“You can be Chewbacca. If you like?”
Sarah smiled “Okay.”
Cara suddenly flung herself onto the ground and wrapped her arms around her head closing her eyes tightly “Everyone down!” She heard several thumps as the others fell to the ground.
“Why are we lying down?” Cami whispered. “Is it nap time?”
“Shhhh!” Cara watched as two dancing girls walked past, they had obviously escaped from Jabba’s lair. Good for them.
“You know I want sweet lady kisses San but it would be rude to leave our dolphin friends so early.”
Cara stood up brushing herself off then bent down to help her cousin and Sarah up “Phew I think they missed us.”
“OHHAHHAHRAAH” Sarah yelled. At everyone’s confused stares she mumbled “Was it a scouting party?”
“No just some escaped slave girls but you can never be too careful.”
“True dat” the sandy haired boy said nodding knowingly.
Cara tilted her head slightly to the left “Are you related to Artie?”
“Who?”
“R2D2.” The boy shook his head. “Who would you like to be?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen the film all the way through.”
Cara gasped in horror and took a few shuddering breaths as Cami rubbed her back in soothing motions. “T-That’s okay. I’ll lend it to you. You can be Yoda, you kinda look like him.”
“But my name’s Steve.”
“Now it's Yoda.”
“Oooo” Cami said breathily. “You’re so lucky, Yoda’s a Jedi master.”
“Yeah? Cool! Umm what’s a Jedi master?”
Cara whimpered a bit then cleared her throat “He uses the force to defeat baddies.” At the boy’s blank stare she added “The force surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.” She shook her head wearily at his confused look “He has magic powers.”
“Oh okay. Cool!” Cara smiled but decided she really couldn’t be proper friends with him until he had seen Star Wars.
“Hi I’m Mandy” the girl with blonde hair in pigtails gave a little wave. “Can I be Padmé?”
“Who’s that?"
“She’s the princess in the prequels.”
Cara slapped a hand over Mandy’s mouth quickly looking all around to make sure they were alone. “Shhhhh!”
“Whaa?” she mumbled through Cara’s hand.
“Dad says the prequels are blasphemy.”
“Wwwwha blaffffamhii?” Cara pulled her hand away. “What’s blasphemy?”
“I don’t know but he always gets really angry then sulks for hours if they’re mentioned so I think it’s bad.”
Sarah put her arm up and waved it about a bit “Cara, can I ask you a question?”
“Is it about Star Wars?” Cara asked eagerly.
“No.”
“Oh well I suppose so. What is it?”
“Why is your dad holding hands with that pretty man?” She pointed across the yard.
Cara glanced over to her dads, they were chatting to Uncle Finn with their hands clasped and swinging between them. “That’s my Daddy. Why wouldn’t they hold hands?”
Sarah looked pretty confused and so did the other kids. “But who is the other dude?” Jake asked.
Cara didn’t get what was so difficult to understand “They’re both my dads.”
“They’re gay. My grandads are gay too” Cami supplied helpfully and Cara nodded.
Daddy had said that some people wouldn’t be happy with Dad and him being married but that didn’t make sense at all, weddings were lovely just think of all the clothes.
“Oh” Jake said with a shrug “Cool I getcha now.”
“I don’t understand” Sarah whispered.
“They’re married. My mom explained it, she said love is love. That’s right isn’t it?” he asked.
Cara smiled “Yes that’s right.”
Sarah, Mandy and Steve all looked thoughtful for a little while then shrugged which made Cara happy, she really didn’t want to have to banish them for being mean too.
“So who’s Darth Vader?” Cami asked barely repressing a shiver.
Cara rolled her eyes, it was so obvious “Daddy of course. Darth Vader is a total diva.”
"Shouldn't your other dad be that Darth Vader guy, he's scarier looking” Steve mumbled staring at Dad.
Cara snorted "You obviously didn't see Daddy after me and Dad borrowed his moisturiser for our feet."
“So who is your dad then?” Mandy asked.
“Dad is Obi-Wan coz they fight and Vader wins.”
Sarah frowned "But doesn't Vader kill Obi-Wan?"
"Nope he disappears and then becomes blue.” Really did these people watch the movie with their eyes closed?
“I think that meant he killed him.”
Cara bit her lip, eyes wide and ran to where Daddy was standing throwing herself against his legs "Please don’t kill Dad!"
"Why? What has he done this time?” Daddy asked cautiously before demanding “Has he been near my moisturiser again?"
"No but Obi-Wan doesn’t disappear, Vader kills him and I don’t want Dad to die!" she sobbed as he stroked her hair.
“Oh” he replied sounding confused. “Don’t worry sweetie, I don’t plan on killing him... today.”
She let out a relieved breath "Thanks Daddy!"
“Why are you upset Care-bear?” Dad asked wandering towards them.
Before she could answer Daddy said “It’s a long story. I promised not to kill you so everything is fine now, right Cara?”
“Yep” she nodded, taking both their hands and swinging between them for a moment.
“Why would you kill me dude? I thought we were cool, I bought you more of that face cream stuff.”
“Well I did think that...”
Dad flung up his hands as if he was surrendering “As if I would dare, I like my balls where they are thanks.” For some reason a bunch of the other grownups laughed.
Daddy glared at him “Language Noah.”
“Relax dude she doesn’t know what I’m talking about.”
“You don’t know that. Studies show that....”
Dad rolled his eyes “Yo Cara babe what kind of balls was I talking about?”
“Ping pong balls?”
“Yeah that’s right, you get today’s star price.”
“Yey! What is it?” Cara asked excitedly.
“Err” he looked around for a moment. Obviously it was a really awesome price so he had hidden it from everyone else. “Here” he handed her a bowl of grapes.
“Grapes... Yey! You really love me!” she declared happily.
“Too right baby.” He turned back to Daddy who was smiling at him with twinkly eyes. “So why would you kill me?”
“I think it’s because you’re Obi-Wan and I’m Darth Vader so naturally Cara was worried for your health.”
Dad nodded wisely “I understand.”
“Well I’m glad one of us does.”
Cara handed Daddy the bowl “Thank you for my grapes, I’m going to find the rebels now. They’ll need the Minelium Falcon to win.”
“May the force be with you” Dad called after her.
“Thanks!” she yelled back. “Hey Yoda I’m going to use the force to make you fly hold on...” she raised her hand and squinted at him concentrating really hard. “There” she proudly declared.
Steve looked confused again “But I’m still on the ground.” Really? Now she was going to have to explain make believe to him as well as Star Wars?
“But Cara you don’t have the force” Cami said stepping closer to her.
“Are you doubting my badassness?”
Cami shook his head quickly “No but you’re Han Solo, he doesn’t have a light up sword or anything.”
“Han Solo is a stud, he can do anything.” At her cousin’s unsure look she sighed “He got Luke to teach him okay?”
“Kay.”
Cara grinned as an idea suddenly came to her “We’ve got a mission who’s brave enough to carry it out?”
“What mission?” Jake asked.
“In the movie they tied the big walking thing’s legs together and it fell over. That’s our mission.”
Most of the rebel alliance wandered off to distract any rogue storm troopers as Cara and Cami snuck towards the giant walking thingy.
“Why are your dads whispering? Mommy says it’s rude to whisper” Cami said as they ducked behind a flower pot.
Cara glanced over at her dads and yep they were whispering again and Daddy’s cheeks were turning very pink. “Vader is trying to turn Obi-Wan to the dark side.” She thought for a moment “Or Dad wants to lend Daddy his pants again. I keep telling him they’re not gunna fit but he keeps asking if Daddy wants in them.” She sighed dramatically “Let’s get this show on the road.”
“Is that like the show’s got to go all over the place?”
“I have no idea what you’re saying.” Cara shook her head “Just stick to the plan.”
She watched as Cami scrambled onto Uncle Finn’s lap. “Daddy?”
“Yes little buddy?”
“You know how Shelby and Beth are staying with us and you said they were visiting coz they is family?” Cami signalled that it was safe to move so Cara began to creep towards the back of Uncle Finn’s chair.
“Yeah?”
Cami played with the strings hanging from his dad’s hoodie “Why isn’t Cara staying with us? She’s family.”
“Yes she is but Cara only lives a few blocks away from us so she doesn’t need to stay over” Uncle Finn replied trying to pull his strings out of Cami’s mouth.
Cara crawled underneath the chair and carefully tied the walking machine’s shoe laces together then shuffled backwards until she could stand up.
“You and Uncle Kurt are brothers right? Did you live together?” Cami asked.
“Errr yes but remember I explained that things are complicated?”
Cara stood behind Finn mouthing the words she had taught Cami, giving him a thumbs up when he repeated them without any mistakes. “Thank you daddy I’ve enjoyed our talk. Goodbye.”
Ignoring Uncle Finn’s baffled expression Cara grabbed Cami’s hand and ran quickly to the patio. “Dad... Dad!”
“What?”
“We need a tower to climb to look for storm troopers.”
“Uhuh?” He gave the sausages on the BBQ a prod.
“You are the tower.”
Dad put down his spatula “First Obi-Wan now a tower I’m really going down in the world.”
“It’s okay you can be Obi-Wan again when you’re not a tower anymore.” Cara squealed as she was lifted onto one of his shoulders “SeafreeepeeeHo wants to see too.”
He laughed “Who?”
“Cami.”
Still laughing, Dad bent down and lifted Cami onto his other shoulder. Dad really was awesome, he was super strong and he could probably lift a car if he wanted to. They would have to take out all of the CDs first but he could totally do it.
You really could see a lot from way up high, like the Frisbee stuck up the tree and that lady Gina from across the street who sat next to Uncle Finn and seemed to giggle a lot until Aunty Rachel came over, then she just looked disappointed. Glancing around the yard Cara noticed that most of the grown ups and the other kids now had plates full of food. Who could eat at a time like this? The Empire wasn’t going to be defeated if everyone stood around eating sausages all day long.
“Dad, we need to lend Steve Star Wars. He hasn’t seen it all the way through!”
“You’re kidding me? What’s he been doing with his life?” He was quiet for a moment “So who’s this Steve dude?”
Cara grabbed his head and angled it towards the other kids “The one over there that looks like Yoda.”
“Huh he really does, doesn’t he? Yeah he can totally borrow the DVD.”
Cami tugged on her arm and pointed towards his dad. They both watched as Uncle Finn tried to stand and let out loud whoops of joy as he fell over.
Dad shook as he lifted them both off his shoulders then burst out laughing “Was that you?”
“Maybe” she replied with a grin.
He held out a hand and they all high fived. “Awesome. Now run and hide before Daddy and Aunty Rachel find out.”
“Thanks Dad!”
As she ran away Cara heard him say “Kurt, dude where are you? You are never going to believe what the kids call C3PO.”
They must have hid real well because Aunty Rachel and Daddy never did find them. Sarah’s mommy and Jake’s parents did though and they said that they had to leave so Cara waved and made promises to play Star Wars again the next day. A little while later after an expotition to Dagobah to try to find Luke, Mandy and Steve also had to leave. It was just as well really since they couldn’t find anyone to play Luke apart from the fat kitty from next door.
A little while later Aunty Rachel wandered over to them carrying a plate but she didn’t really find them because they weren’t hiding anymore. They explained as much and she simply nodded wisely, handed them a burger each then walked away.
Cara’s tummy grumbled as she took a large bite “Mmmm I forgot how hungry making Star Wars is.” Cami just stared at his burger. “What’s wrong?” she asked as she took another bite.
“A pat-a-pillar just crawled onto my burger.”
“Well you shouldn’t have put it on the ground.” Picking up the little bug she gently placed it on one of the leaves of Daddy’s favourite rose. “Be free little caterpillar!”
After finishing her burger Cara licked ketchup off her palm twisting her face at the taste. Leaving Cami, who was practically useless in these situations, she ran across the yard which was now mostly empty apart from a few old friends of her dads and some family.
“My hand tastes like mud” she moaned sticking her hand up towards her dads.
Dad leant over and licked it, making her giggle. “Yeah your hand does taste like mud.”
“Daddy my hand tastes like mud, Dad said so.”
For some reason Daddy gave Dad a really weird look then rubbed his head as if it hurt. “Then stop licking it sweetie.”
Leaving Rachel, Finn and the rest of their friends to tidy up the yard Kurt followed Noah into the kitchen, dropping a stack of plates into the sink. “Well I think that went pretty well.”
“Yeah only a few people left when they realised we’re a couple, that’s got to be progress. What douches.”
Kurt shrugged, they had talked about it before and no matter how much he worried about how things like that would affect Cara in the future they couldn’t let it bother them. She was going to learn that there were jerks in the world one way or another.
“Our girl is so awesome did you see how hard Finn face planted? I nearly laughed my ass off!”
“You shouldn’t encourage her.”
Noah snorted “Come on it was hilarious.”
“Okay yes it was” Kurt admitted. “So why am I Darth Vader exactly?”
“Coz you’re scarier than me obviously” he replied with a grin.
“Well there is that” Kurt murmured pushing Noah up against the wall, pressing a kiss to his jaw then his lips.
Noah grabbed his hips, pulling Kurt flush against him as he mumbled “I love you Kurt” against his mouth.
“Noah” Kurt sighed in reply as fingers dipped a little into the top of his skinny jeans, caressing the skin beneath the waist band.
“Dad, you are a BIG, BIG genius!”
Kurt leapt out of his husband’s arms “Cara where did you come from?”
“Well I was in the yard and now I’m here. I was practicing my stealth.”
“Oh.” Considering Noah wasn’t her biological father Cara was unbelievably like him. Kurt had no idea why it still surprised him but it did, every time. “So why is Dad a genius?”
“He saved you.” She gave them a well duh look.
Noah frowned “How did I do that?”
“Your kiss saved Darth Vader from the dark side. We can all live happily ever after now!”
“My kisses are just that awesome” Noah boasted puckering up at them both.
Kurt’s smile slowly slid off his face as he properly focused on his child. “What did you do to your clothes?” he asked horrified.
Cara looked down at the stains all over her jeans and top then took a deep breath before resolutely saying "Daddy the Empire needed destroying."