Rant time..
So I know once again I haven't updated this in awhile, and that is solely just because I didn't know what to talk about, since I keep failing to provide the updates I promise you guys. But I have something I need to get vent and get off my chest and well instead of yelling at the people involved I thought I'd write about it.
So if you didn't know, I still live at home (I know lame, but the city is expensive so until September when I'm off to school, I'm staying put) but sometimes staying here is almost harder then its worth. For those of you who know me, know that I used to be the "perfect" child. I got mostly straight A's, didn't skip class, didn't go out partying on the weekends. But a couple years ago that changed. I got burnt out at school, I started skipping class cause even when I went my mind would just shut down and not process, studying was painful cause I'd reread everything multiple times and still be clueless.. Anyways, that lead me to dropping out at the start of my grade 12 year. And I stayed dropped out for the rest of that year, and the following year. But it's not like I was doing nothing, I worked for the better part of those two years.. Finally last October I got my ass back into gear and graduated, and applied (and got accepted) into college. Seemingly to make me the "perfect" child again, and we'd just forget the last couple years.
Or so I thought. But the last few months have been hard. My parents keep making comments about how all my friends are "in their second year of university, that could've been you" or "so and so just graduated college and planning on traveling, that could've been you" which okay, I tell that to myself, but to have it told to me repeatedly is starting to wear me down to the point where I just want to say fuck school and fuck all of you who can't just be happy that I've put my life back together instead of tearing me down. I sometimes wish that I could just disappear, that it didn't cost thousands of dollars to go someplace far away (like putting an ocean between us), that I could just afford the rent in this city, just something that would mean that I could get out of here before I fully break down.
I mean aren't parents supposed to support their children no matter what they choose to do? As long as it's legal, anyways.. Not compare their children to others. Compare their two children against each other (my brother is the hockey star, that even though is higher than a kite more often than not can do no fucking wrong) and therefore creating rivalry between the two siblings who used to be so close? I mean what honestly goes through parents heads? I've apologized multiple times for screwing up and have tried to make it up by having saved up enough money that I can basically put myself through college without their help. I'm just out of ways to try and make it up to them, and I honestly don't know how much more of their fucking tearing down I can take before I break. I've tried to talk to people about it but it's hard for most of my friends to understand cause they have parents who support them, and therapy just made me more tense.
I know that I shouldn't be complaining, it's not like they hit me, or anything severe, but sometimes I just need to vent, so thanks to any that have read this..
I am going back and rereading my stories and slowly working on new stuff. I had a couple of chapters that I thought were finished, but they're bad, and need to be rewritten. So slowly but surely I will be posting. Remember I will finish all my stories eventually, it just might take awhile..
So if you didn't know, I still live at home (I know lame, but the city is expensive so until September when I'm off to school, I'm staying put) but sometimes staying here is almost harder then its worth. For those of you who know me, know that I used to be the "perfect" child. I got mostly straight A's, didn't skip class, didn't go out partying on the weekends. But a couple years ago that changed. I got burnt out at school, I started skipping class cause even when I went my mind would just shut down and not process, studying was painful cause I'd reread everything multiple times and still be clueless.. Anyways, that lead me to dropping out at the start of my grade 12 year. And I stayed dropped out for the rest of that year, and the following year. But it's not like I was doing nothing, I worked for the better part of those two years.. Finally last October I got my ass back into gear and graduated, and applied (and got accepted) into college. Seemingly to make me the "perfect" child again, and we'd just forget the last couple years.
Or so I thought. But the last few months have been hard. My parents keep making comments about how all my friends are "in their second year of university, that could've been you" or "so and so just graduated college and planning on traveling, that could've been you" which okay, I tell that to myself, but to have it told to me repeatedly is starting to wear me down to the point where I just want to say fuck school and fuck all of you who can't just be happy that I've put my life back together instead of tearing me down. I sometimes wish that I could just disappear, that it didn't cost thousands of dollars to go someplace far away (like putting an ocean between us), that I could just afford the rent in this city, just something that would mean that I could get out of here before I fully break down.
I mean aren't parents supposed to support their children no matter what they choose to do? As long as it's legal, anyways.. Not compare their children to others. Compare their two children against each other (my brother is the hockey star, that even though is higher than a kite more often than not can do no fucking wrong) and therefore creating rivalry between the two siblings who used to be so close? I mean what honestly goes through parents heads? I've apologized multiple times for screwing up and have tried to make it up by having saved up enough money that I can basically put myself through college without their help. I'm just out of ways to try and make it up to them, and I honestly don't know how much more of their fucking tearing down I can take before I break. I've tried to talk to people about it but it's hard for most of my friends to understand cause they have parents who support them, and therapy just made me more tense.
I know that I shouldn't be complaining, it's not like they hit me, or anything severe, but sometimes I just need to vent, so thanks to any that have read this..
I am going back and rereading my stories and slowly working on new stuff. I had a couple of chapters that I thought were finished, but they're bad, and need to be rewritten. So slowly but surely I will be posting. Remember I will finish all my stories eventually, it just might take awhile..