[fic] Kids with Guns

[belluminabyssus]

title: Kids with Guns.
universe: N/A.
characters: Jim Cleaver, Mikey Finn.
word count: 1,548
summary/notes: Written for week #4 at brigits_flame for the prompt Poppy; technically the prompt that really got me going was a line from the Gorillaz song "Kids with Guns," which is "And they're turning us into monsters," which I used as my first line. This is totally

Comments

[yuunaluna]

this is straight up BADASS. that last paragraph is like getting bitch slapped in the best way possible. seriously, congratulations. this is phenomenal.

[belluminabyssus]

And coming from you, this is very high praise! :D

[belluminabyssus]

haha thanks!

[belluminabyssus]

No, go ahead, I don't mind! I know my journal name is quite a mouthful. XD My name IRL is Kendra, so Bell or Kendra works out, whatever you prefer. :]

I'm really glad you liked this, as I've never written anything remotely close to it, and I'm not sure I could ever ask for a better compliment. X3 So thank you so much!

P.S, I think your icon is absolutely adorable and it's making me very, very hungry.

[keppiehed]

Aw, great stuff again. I can't believe that in your first month, you are going to take the Flame by storm and steal the win from us all. It isn't usually this easy, you know, but you have the magic touch. I don't usually go for first person, but you've ruled the roost and showed that you can write whatever you want, flawlessly, beautifully ... this was about as close to perfect as it gets, so a hearty congrats on a piece you should deserve to be proud of. Well done!

[belluminabyssus]

fdankgal wow, that really is high, high praise and I'm not sure that I've deserved it.

I'm with you on first person -- I despise first person. I also hate war stories, and I really hate pieces that end with questions, so I'm really not sure how I ended up writing this without dying from hypocrisy.

So thank you very much! I'm looking forward to reading your story (I skimmed it yesterday, but I'll be giving it the attention it deserves this weekend for sure).

[keppiehed]

No need to thank me; it's only the truth! ;)

And mine ... ARRGH! *groans* (That's the sound of me collapsing under the weight of my own horrific garbage-pile of a story) Do yourself a favor and totally skip it. I have a long history of choking in week 4. This one is true to form.

[belluminabyssus]

hahaha why do you say you fail at week four? perhaps it's the prompts that don't inspire you, and all of them just happen to be in the last week of the month!

[one_time_pad]

I've read this four times; I like it a lot. The situation was believable, the description was great, and the thread of tension hummed all the way through (despite Jim's attempts to ease it).

That said, the narrative structure seemed to be at war with itself -- the run-on stream-of-consciousness vs. the short, staccato bursts of description. The former was definitely appropriate, for the poppy; the latter, for the war (indeed, Hemingway leaped to mind here). But the two styles jangle against one another in a way that's somewhat distracting. I can't help but thinking there's a way to fine-tune the narrator, to accomplish both effects without the shifts.

And I usually don't advocate ending with a question, but it works here. I think the punch at the end would be even more profound, though, if you spoke of the unseen hands rolling out the new soldiers, rather than the hands of the soldiers; it makes for a more even analogy, I'd say.


Well-written and profound. I'll be watching with great interest.

[belluminabyssus]

I'm glad you liked it. And I don't mind the advice; I appreciate it.

As I wrote in the summary, I'm not used to writing in first person, nor am I used to writing about war, and I hate when things end in questions, so all of this is decently new territory for me as a writer; advice, therefore, is useful.

If it's not too much trouble, though, would you mind pointing out one or two of the examples that you found a little jarring? I wrote this last night so I'm too close to it to really see things that might be unnatural to a reader. X3 If not, I'll probably find it myself eventually!

Thanks for the comments! :D

[one_time_pad]

Well, for example, you say: He takes out a zippo, lights it on the first try.
This is good. Simple, direct. Doesn't waste time on anything florid. Soldier efficiency.

But then: He sucks in a breath and shuts his eyes like he's found heaven in a place that's more like hell than anything you ever hear about.
... there's a bit of run-on that might well be Jim wafting away on a high. Problem is, poor old Mikey Finn is the narrator. We could chalk it up to Mikey being an excitable youth, or at least an earnest and optimistic one, but the juxtaposition is odd enough to rattle.

Another example, in the reverse application, would be the paragraph that begins, He'll spend the next hour marveling at the world
... followed by "And then. And then. And then." in machine-gun-fire rapidity, as the consequences of his actions hit home. In that case, it still jangles (IMO), but it fits the purpose more readily -- the impact is harder, isn't lost in the haze.

At least, that's my opinion. I hope that clarifies, at least.

[belluminabyssus]

Thank you for the clarification! I'll definitely keep that in mind when editing.

[unnameduntamed]

This story is so chillingly good and I especially love the last paragraph. It just links everything together so well. I aslo liked your description of Eddie's death - he didn't actually appear in the story but just your description of how he died made me feel an odd sort of connection. I kept thinking of how old lions will leave the pack to die alone and then started questioning to myself whether this was also to be the fate of Jim.
Amazing work.

[belluminabyssus]

Oh, thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed it; I think Eddie's death was my favourite part to write, so I'm pleased that part resonated with you.

I thought it was interesting that the two of us were the only ones who wrote about war, and yet you took a totally different approach than I did. (Which was pretty neat, btw!)

[unnameduntamed]

I'm suprised there wasn't more war stories but I love that even though we both used that theme things ended up so different. Different wars, different countries and different kinds of suffering.
:) Good luck in the polls!

[belluminabyssus]

It's pretty amazing how a prompt can elicit so many totally different stories.

And good luck to you, too!