Comments | belluminabyssus: [fic] Dog Days of Summer

belluminabyssus

[fic] Dog Days of Summer

Sep 25, 2011 16:51

title: Dog Days of Summer
characters: Ellie & Charlie
word count: 2109
author's note: Prompt was Cotton for week 3 of September's brigits_flame contest. It was a really strange prompt.

( Ellie's room was on the second floor and it was like a refrigerator that had broken and had caused all the food inside it to rot. )

fiction, brigits_flame

Comments 23

tigerlilly33 September 26 2011, 11:42:46 UTC

I loved this story. It was so evocative of that age and of a simpler time. When you're a kid, you think you're invincible. Finding out that you're not is one of the greatest lessons in life!

Ellie is a fun character. I was so scared for her during the confrontation wit the snake. The pacing of it was perfect. What a cool way to use "cotton." It took me a few minutes to figure out where you were going, but once I did I saw how very inspired it was. Great job. You're getting through this week for sure.

belluminabyssus September 26 2011, 16:13:14 UTC

I'm so glad you liked it! This was really a random idea because cotton wasn't giving me anything, and I mostly just started writing this story without having any idea as to where it was going -- so I'm pleased it worked out! I'm also glad that cottonmouth wasn't too much of a stretch from the prompt (hopefully). Thanks so much for your feedback. :)

katden September 26 2011, 13:02:41 UTC

Snakes. Yikes! Only the young could recover with such good humor ;) I really like these characters.

belluminabyssus September 26 2011, 16:13:31 UTC

Thanks, Kat! :)

bluegerl September 26 2011, 15:39:27 UTC

Isn't that just typical of boys! drag you away to do something, then don't know how to get there, expect us to sort it, lead us into danger, and then when they catch on and kill the snake, frighten a girl to death as a JOKE. Hah! boys!
Loved the idea of the cottonmouth snake for the prompt. Do you know them?

tigerlilly33 September 26 2011, 16:27:55 UTC

Haha! Bluegerl, I loved this comment. What a perfect description of boys. It applies to men as well, unfortunately. When will they learn?

bluegerl September 26 2011, 16:48:48 UTC

They NEVER do love! from my years of experience, they are the eternal eeejit boys at heart. I dunno... makes you wonder sometimes...!!!!

tigerlilly33 September 26 2011, 16:58:05 UTC

I'm beginning to figure this out myself! I guess if I can stay a girl at heart, they can stay boys. It's just the "eeejit" part I could do without!

Thread 10

roll the dodos in with the edit wagon bardiphouka September 28 2011, 12:04:57 UTC

I have to admit, I loved the natural flow in this story. It seemed to fit the subject matter quite well. To be uber picky. I might suggest a different first sentence. Something,as it was, with a bit more of a hook. It is not that there is anything wrong with the beginning, just that I know you could come up with something a bit stronger?

And there is a section where you talk about her skinny arm and then in the next line talk about his narrow chest. Certainly she could have skinny arms and he a narrow chest, but you might want to separate those descriptions a bit.

Yes, I know that is nitpicking. But what else is one to do when the story is so good,eh? Have to earn my editor salary somehow. Oh wait..anyway, lovely job.

Re: roll the dodos in with the edit wagon belluminabyssus September 28 2011, 14:32:32 UTC

Thanks so much for the edit! I will definitely take your advice. :)

rubyelf September 29 2011, 01:27:53 UTC

I love snakes, and my husband won't let me have one. It wouldn't be a big one, anyway, because I also love pet mice and rats, and I couldn't possibly deal with having a pet I had to feed other pets to. But I've had some lovely little pet snakes and I want another one.

However, I am fully aware that this isn't how most people respond to snakes, so Ellie's gut reaction was well-described and clear. And doesn't EVERY small town have a quarry somewhere that the kids aren't supposed to swim in? Ours was rumored to have dead bodies in it.

belluminabyssus September 29 2011, 01:35:46 UTC

If it makes you feel any better, I also loooove snakes. Obviously I wouldn't want to come face to face with a cottonmouth, though, because they're very, very poisonous and aggressive.

Sadly my small town did not have a quarry, so I did not have such an experience.

rubyelf September 29 2011, 02:16:26 UTC

They are definitely poisonous... they're pit vipers, like rattlesnakes and lots of other venomous snakes. I've helped catch them before (summer research project in college), though, and they're really not terribly aggressive. The problem is they they're extremely well-camouflaged and not very inclined to move, so by the time you realize there's one around, you're just about standing on it and then it's pissed off. The babies, though, are pretty aggressive... they must be vulnerable to predators, because they are very bitey. Luckily, they cannot bite through rubber or leather boots, and their venom works by damaging tissue, so it's not likely to kill you before you could get help. That's why I was willing to play with them. Cobras, mambas... no thanks. Their venom is neurotoxic and fast, and it will shut down your diaphragm so you can't breathe. No way I am messing with them ( ... )