Spin the Light to Gold (J2, NC-17) 6/6
Sometimes Jared wishes fast food restaurants couldn’t afford such good photographers for their food. Because it’s not enough just to list all the delicious choices on the menu, oh no. No, they have to have huge, mouthwatering pictures of all the options, and every single one looks like the best burger or sandwich or fries that ever existed, fresh and perfect.
It makes it impossible to choose what you want. Jared came into the place thinking he wanted a burger, but now that he’s faced with the pictures, a sandwich looks really good, too. And then there’s the whole problem of sides, because he can smell the fries cooking, salty and hot, (and that’s another evil move on behalf of the fast food industry) but onion rings sound really good, too. He wants one of everything.
He only realizes he’s been thinking out loud when Jensen says, “You do realize this isn’t the cafeteria, right? It’s not an all-you-can-eat buffet.”
“I know that,” Jared tells him.
“Do you?” Jensen asks. “Because if I have to pay for everything on the menu, I'll go broke. And I hate to break it to you, but if it comes down between groceries and the gas to come see you, I’m picking food.”
“Oh, whatever,” Jared says, waving a hand. “You would not.”
“I really, really would,” Jensen says. “You’re fun and all, but I also enjoy, you know, not starving to death.”
“Okay, maybe you’d buy groceries with the money,” Jared concedes. “But you’d still find a way to come and see me. Hitchhiking. Or biking. Or walking, whatever. A full belly wouldn’t make up for the hole in your soul without me.”
Jensen looks torn between laughter and disbelief. He settles on shaking his head. “Thanks for that dismal future.” He shifts a little, his arm brushing Jared’s as they move forward in line. “You’re pretty sure of yourself.”
Jared shrugs. “Well, it’s not like you’re getting rid of me now. You’ve already met my parents, after all. Starving and hitchhiking two hundred miles aren’t very scary compared to that.”
“True,” Jensen says with feeling.
“Oh, whatever. They totally loved you. There was no reason for you to be so ridiculously nervous.”
Jensen gives him a bright grin. “What can I say? My charms are irresistible.”
Jared laughs. “Yeah. And so is the fact that you’re a giant dork.”
“I am not.”
“You totally are,” Jared says. “Which is the actual reason that my parents like you - because they can tell just how much I happen to adore your dorkiness.”
“Well, and the way you kept grabbing my ass probably clued them in, too.”
Jared grins. “You said it. You’re irresistible.”
Jensen rolls his eyes, but that’s when the cashier ahead of them opens up, so he’s saved from a response. Jared takes pains to keep his order under control, so he won’t scare Jensen away. He’s used to seconds and thirds and sometimes fourths at the cafeteria at school, but since this is Jensen’s treat, he can go easy on him. He’s still going to make Jensen make him a frozen pizza as soon as they get to his apartment, but Jensen doesn’t need to know that now.
* * *
It’s actually the first time Jared’s going to be seeing said apartment. Jensen’s been down to see him several times over the past two months, but since Jared doesn’t have a mode of transportation beyond Chad (who refuses to be a taxi service for hookups not involving him), this is Jared’s first time coming up to Dallas. It’s his fall break, the midway point in the semester, and since he has four days off, it seemed like a good time to come up.
Jared can’t believe that it’s already late October, that he’s already almost halfway done with his first semester of college, that it’s been five months since he met Jensen. And he can’t believe that he’s here, in Jensen’s truck, heading for his apartment, and that the two of them are still going strong. Long distance hasn’t been easy, especially not when they were used to being within a couple hundred feet of each other at all times, and Jensen really did freak out when Jared’s parents wanted to meet him.
But even though the whole thing was kind of horribly awkward, they survived. They talk on the phone almost every night and text or IM during the day, and in some ways Jared feels even closer to Jensen now than he did at the end of the summer.
Thinking about the summer makes Jared smile, and when Jensen looks over from the driver’s seat and says, “What?” Jared says, “You know, when I first met you, I thought you were a jerk.”
Jensen laughs. “And getting to know me changed your mind?”
“Oh, give it up,” Jared says. “You pretend like you’re a dick, but you’re totally the nicest guy I know. My grandma thinks you’re a wonderful young man.”
“Oh, God,” Jensen moans. “Stop.”
Jared rolls his eyes. “Fine, you’re a total bad boy and I can’t resist your callous, inconsiderate ways.”
“Thank you.”
They go a few minutes in silence, streetlights flashing by and illuminating the truck at measured intervals.
“So,” Jared says finally. “What did you think of me when we first met?”
Jensen shrugs, not taking his eyes from the road.
“Come on. I told you.”
“Fine,” Jensen says, shrugging. “I thought you were hot. And nice.”
“What?” Jared demands. “You did not. Come on, you can tell me the truth.”
“I am.”
“You wouldn’t even talk to me. You acted like I had the plague!”
“Well, yeah,” Jensen says, like that explains things.
“Jensen. Make sense.”
“It was kind of - I just - you know.” Jensen clears his throat.
“What?” Jared prompts.
Jensen sighs. “I was shy, okay?”
“You were not! You talked to Kristen all the time, but you didn’t know her.”
“Yeah, well. I wasn’t attracted to her.” It’s dark in the truck, but Jared can see a faint blush spread across his cheeks in the light from the dashboard. He focuses on that instead of gaping like he wants to, because if Jensen’s saying what he thinks he’s saying...
“It’s just - you’re not the type of person that I usually - I’m used to really confident people who know what they want,” Jensen tries to explain. “I didn’t think that you’d - I didn’t know how to talk to you.” He exhales loudly. “Stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re going to say something ridiculously sappy.”
“Well, I kind of have to,” Jared says. “You were too shy to talk to me because you liked me. That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“I never should have told you,” Jensen says, glaring as he brakes for a red light.
Jared laughs. “Oh, relax. I won’t tell anyone. You can pretend you’re a jerk and you never call and your secret soft side will be safe with me.”
Jensen reaches over to smack him again, but when his hand falls on Jared’s thigh, he doesn’t take it back, squeezing a little. Jared covers it with his own hand and grins.
* * *
When they get to the apartment, Jensen shows Jared where to dump his stuff, then gives him the grand tour. It’s not really necessary - it’s just a little one-bedroom apartment with an open kitchen and living room, so it’s not like there’s anywhere to get lost - but he insists, so Jared lets himself be dragged from room to room.
When they stop at the door to Jensen’s bedroom, Jared says, “Hey, look at that. A bed. With a door that locks.”
“Hmm,” Jensen says thoughtfully.
“What do you think we should do?” Jared asks.
“I don’t know,” Jensen says with a shrug. “I’m kind of tired. Want to do a crossword or read or something?”
Jared glares. He appreciates Jensen’s sense of humor, but this is not a joking matter. “There’s only one thing I want to do right now,” he says, pushing Jensen toward the bed. “I’ll give you one guess as to what it is.”
Jensen falls back, pulling Jared down with him. “Uh, me?”
“Mm, very good.”
They’re still in their jackets and shoes, so it takes a bit of arranging and shedding until they’re laying the right way on the bed and kissing as they work on the rest of the clothes. At one point, Jensen pulls back a little, taking a breath, like he’s making sure he’s seeing things right.
When Jared asks what’s up, though, he shakes his head and says it’s nothing. Jared just raises his eyebrows, waiting, and Jensen finally caves. “It’s just - “ He laughs a little. “This is stupid. I kind of can’t believe this is happening.”
“I know, it feels like we’ve been waiting forever,” Jared agrees.
“No, I don’t just mean sex,” Jensen says. “I mean…this. All of this. Us.” He waves a hand in a vague gesture that Jared guesses is supposed encompass their entire relationship. “I can’t believe that it’s been five months, that we’re here, together. That I’ve met your parents, that you’re probably going to meet mine soon. That this is really happening.”
Jared had the same revelation half an hour ago in the car, but he knows that this is a little different for Jensen. “Is this…weird?” he asks.
“No. God, no,” Jensen says quickly. “It’s - I can’t even - “ He shakes his head, giving up, and kisses Jared.
And that’s okay, because Jared gets it. This is more than he ever hoped for, when he started this thing with Jensen, and even though he’s usually the more certain of the two of them, he has his moments where he wonders how they got so lucky.
But the important thing is that they’re here now, together, and they’re finally alone in a room with a big bed and locks on the door, which means Jared’s finally going to find out what it feels like to have Jensen inside of him.
He can’t pretend he’s not a little nervous - no matter how much Jensen enjoys it, the physics of it are a little daunting - but at the same time, he’s not worried at all. Because even if it sucks, it’s still the closest he’ll have been to Jensen in weeks, and there’s no way he’s going to regret that. Besides, he loves Jensen. Like, to a ridiculous degree. And he wants to experience this with him.
As it turns out, it’s not what he expected.
Jensen’s slow and patient with him, careful and gentle as he strips Jared and gets him ready, but it’s not until Jared’s on his back and Jensen’s pushing his legs up and apart that he feels the first flutter of discomfort. Because Jared’s done the fingers thing before, both by himself and with Jensen, but this is going to be a lot more than that. And having Jensen between his legs, watching him so carefully, makes the whole thing a million times more intimate than he expected.
Which is stupid, because they’ve had sex kind of a lot before this, but Jared can’t help it. And then Jensen’s pushing inside, working his way deeper with slow, shallow movements, and all Jared wants is to close his eyes or hide his face or turn his head. Because it’s a little weird and a lot uncomfortable, and even though he doesn’t want to stop (he’s doing this, goddammit), he doesn’t know if he can act like he's enjoying it.
But Jensen can read him perfectly, and he leaves off the quiet, encouraging words and bends to kiss Jared instead. Kissing Jared can do, no problem, but it’s a surprise when he realizes that he was so distracted by Jensen’s mouth on his that he completely failed to notice that Jensen’s all the way in and he’s stopped moving.
Jared takes a second to reassess. It’s still not exactly good, but when he takes a few deep breaths, it’s not so bad. Jensen exhales shakily against his neck, murmuring something about God and good, and Jared is at least glad that it’s great for someone. It is nice, being so close to Jensen, making Jensen feel good like Jensen’s done for him.
“You can - whenever,” he says, because he’s pretty sure things are as good as they’re going to get on his end, and he doesn’t want to keep Jensen waiting forever.
“Okay,” Jensen says. But he doesn’t move right away, pulling back to look Jared in the eye, and just when Jared’s about to ask if something’s wrong, Jensen gives him a tiny, shy smile and says, “Love you.”
It’s the first time he’s said it, and Jared only has a second to process that - to feel the way his chest goes tight - before Jensen’s moving, pulling out and sliding back in, slow and deliberate. It’s still weird, feeling the rub of Jensen’s cock inside of him like that, but it gets better every time he does it, and all of a sudden, Jared’s hit with a moment of understanding, a sort of oh, so that’s why people do this. Because he’s seen this from the other side, experienced how good it feels to be so close, to move together and match pleasure, but this is different.
Jensen’s above him and inside him, sweaty and gorgeous and telling Jared how amazing he feels, and beyond the physical sensations - which continue to improve - Jared feels something more. Jensen’s full attention is focused solely on him, and he’s never in his life felt more cared for. Loved. It’s an intoxicating feeling.
And then Jensen’s reaching down to stroke him in time with his thrusts, and he’s got the angle just right, sliding past that sensitive spot on every pass, and Jared’s surprised to realize that he’s actually kind of really enjoying this whole thing. Like, in a way that’s going to have him coming in very little time. And then Jensen says it again, love you in his ear and against his neck and panted into his skin, and that’s it.
It takes Jensen a minute more, sharp, short thrusts, but then he’s doing the same, gasping as he spills inside Jared.
It takes Jared a long time to fall asleep, after. He assures Jensen that it was good, that he’s okay, and that’s the truth. He’s a little sore already, and he knows it’ll be worse tomorrow, but he enjoyed it, more than he thought he would, and he’s already looking forward to doing it again. But when Jensen drifts off, breathing slow and even against his neck, Jared lays awake.
He doesn’t know if he could explain it to Jensen, but he just needs a little time to process it all. To figure out what it means. Because this, more than anything they’ve done together before, meant something. It’s a little scary how intense it felt, being so connected to Jensen and hearing the words he’s been waiting for. It brought back just how close he came to losing this, and it made it clear just how hard it’s going to be if they ever do break up. Jared’s never been in love before, and he had no idea it was going to be like this, wonderful and terrifying at the same time.
But Jensen shifts against him, making a little noise and curling closer, and Jared concentrates instead on how good it feels to be tangled with Jensen on a bed that can actually fit both of them. He’s asleep in seconds.
* * *
Despite falling asleep later, Jared wakes up earlier than Jensen. The morning sunlight streams through the window where they forgot to close the blinds, and once Jared’s eyes adjust to the light, he knows he’s not going to be able to get any more sleep.
But that’s all right. He gets up and takes a shower, carefully cataloguing his morning-after tender spots, then pours himself a glass of orange juice before picking up his guitar.
He still plays pretty often, practicing in his dorm room whenever he can, and he’s actually able to play some songs now that aren’t simple camp fare. He brought it with him so he could show Jensen, but that can wait. Right now he lifts it into his lap, running his hands over the smooth wood and the rough strings, and lets his fingers trail lightly along the neck before picking out a few notes.
He still remembers his first lesson perfectly - he can picture that night with absolute clarity, the light breeze and lapping waves of the lake, the smell of cinders and smoke, the way Jensen’s fingers felt covering his own.
He doesn’t realize his eyes have fallen closed until there’s a noise to his left, and he opens them to find Jensen coming out of the bedroom, just in his boxers, rubbing his eyes. It’s kind of ridiculous, that immediate rush of affection that Jensen’s presence causes, but Jared doesn’t care. He grins, letting it all show through.
Jensen smiles back, coming over to sit on the couch next to Jared. He listens for a few minutes as Jared fools around, playing random bits of this song and that, adding in a few notes of his own, but then he reaches out and touches Jared’s left hand, gently stopping it. When Jared looks over, he smirks. “Lose the guitar.”
And Jared’s only too happy to obey, because the guitar is nice and all, but it’s nothing compared to Jensen sliding closer to kiss him good morning. Because yeah, it’s going to be awful if he has to give this up someday. It’s going to hurt like hell, more than anything has before, and Jared doesn’t know how he’d even begin to deal with the loss. But there’s no point in dreading something that might never happen, not when he’s got Jensen right here, sleepy and affectionate and everything he wants.
Because the summer’s over, but they aren’t. They’re here, together, happy and in love, and if Jared has anything to say about it, that’s the way it’s going to stay.
END
* * *
A/N: Just a few quick words of thanks:
First, to
wendy and
audrarose for all their hard work getting this together. You guys did a great job organizing!
Second, to everyone on my flist who encouraged me as I was writing this, because there were times when I wasn't sure it was going to happen or that I'd make it through with my sanity intact, but you guys were always there with reassuring or cheerleading when I needed it.
Third, ginormous thanks are due to
setissma , who talked me off a ledge with this thing. I was all, "I HATE IT AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT," and she said, "LONGER. MORE SCHMOOP." I don't know if I succeeded, but it made me feel a hell of a lot better. Thanks a million, hon. <33333
And last but definitely not least, thanks to
lost_witness for making absolutely incredible art for this fic. I was blown away by each and every piece she produced, and she was so fabulous to work with. I'm so thrilled that you chose my fic! ♥
Now go here to check out all the awesome art and icons she made and leave her some love.