Comments | benjamincurley: For Now I've Decided To Die

benjamincurley

For Now I've Decided To Die

Oct 08, 2005 00:03

This should be the happiest day of my life, but it is the worst day of my life. Marching band is all but over and I finally got to fulfill my dream of performing. Those few moments of ecstasy while I was on stage just make this day so much worse because I have to put the ultimate high against the lowest low. It just figures that today of all ( Read more... )

Comments 16

glisteningrose October 8 2005, 18:08:46 UTC

you're welcome.
and i don't know.

stepherino October 9 2005, 04:45:36 UTC

This was a very nice birthday present, Ben, thank you. You don't know how overjoyed I was to come on livejournal to write about how happy I was that you and Matt played for me at the dance to read that I "make you sick to your stomach". I'd go into further detail, but I guess you've already made up your mind having spent a couple of hours with me, and you've already figured out that I've morphed into a drug-addicted, alcoholic whore who doesn't care about anyone but herself, right?

benjamincurley October 9 2005, 14:26:43 UTC

No wrong, you know I don't think you are a drug-addicted, alcoholic whore who doesn't care about anyone but herself and please don't start trying to think I'm that shallow to do that. Stop trying to pretend we had a great freindship and that I killed it. I had been pouring my heart and soul into it and never got jack-shit back. You know that it would have made no diffrence to you if it was just Matt up on that stage and I know that your day went right on after you wrote that so stop trying to make me look like the bad guy.

stepherino October 9 2005, 16:19:33 UTC

I love how you can just sit there thinking that you have me all figured and be so openly cold and callus. You really have no idea how much it hurt me to read this, do you? To get completely backstabbed by someone who I ALWAYS stand up for. You have no idea what you did and it doesn't really seem like you care in the least. In that case, I pity you for being so ignorant and unfeeling. It obviously does not matter that I was up crying last night until about 3 AM while my parents sat with me and had to remind me who I REALLY am. You're painting me to be this terrible person, as if you've completely forgotten this past year. In my eyes, YOU'RE the one who's changed.

benjamincurley October 9 2005, 18:57:22 UTC

I am not being cold and callous. As I wrote that first comment I was almost crying, and this has been all I can think about all day. I tried to talk to you and some how fix this, but you hid in your basement and didn't take my call. You have hurt me just as much as I hurt you. I am going to honor your right to never talk to me again, but I don't want it to end this way. How could you say I've forgotten last year, you were my last year. I know I have changed, but can you understand the shock of seeing that the girl that has completely defined the last year of you life isn't what you thought she was. I should never have written what I did, but I can not go back. I apologize and hope that someday you will forgive me.

Thread 6

Dude... wephen_stolfe October 9 2005, 05:01:44 UTC

Not cool... not cool. I'm sorry you feel that way about this situation, but that doesn't mean you should post that when you know FULL WELL that she will see this. Unless that was your plan the entire time... then... wow.

Re: Dude... wephen_stolfe October 9 2005, 16:41:13 UTC

P.S. After reading the comments between the two of you... a thought came to mind. Is it just her that has changed??? Cuz if it isn't then SERIOUSLY you should go on a RAMPAGE and just tell everbody off!! Because that's what everyone needs right now. Not a friend to come home to that accepts the changes in their personality b/c they're GOOD FRIENDS with each other. They need a friend to say " You've changed and you make me sick to my stomach" So if I've changed even the SLIGHTEST bit... please just tell me now and don't make me wait. I hate suspense!

PSS: Think of how different your life would be right now if Stephanie hadn't asked you to be her date for the Christmas dance this year...sure not EVERYTHING has been perfect, that would've ment no prom. No socialization whatsoever with 80% of the people you know because she really has stood by you, when people start to question your motives. Honestly Ben I am shocked. I never thought you could go SO low.

Re: Dude... benjamincurley October 9 2005, 19:06:00 UTC

Steve, I know how big an influence Stephanie has been in my life. We all have changed Steve. You, me, and Steph and pretending like we didn't wont make anything better. I overreacted and I know that now, we are always changing day to day, but you guys shouldn't be surprised that the guy who hasn't really seen either of you in months is surprised when you guys act like your best friend stabbed you in the back. I know things will probably never be good between me and you guys again, and I feel terrible about that. This journal itself is proof of how much you guys have meant to me, it's because of you that I have this, that's what makes it all the more sad that this journal is how it is going to end.

tangerine08 October 10 2005, 00:27:01 UTC

Ben, as much as you will hate me for this. You have changed. You have become colder, it seems like you are always unhappy. You always talk about not getting what you want and how horrible your life is, plenty of people would be happy to have what you have. And you take it for granted.

benjamincurley October 10 2005, 02:40:58 UTC

Megan what do I have? I am a mediocrity, with no great passion in life, and I just lost the two best friends I have ever had. If anyone wants to trade I'd be happy to accept. I have become colder because I've been wounded more, and I really do want to be happy but I just keep slipping backwards. I don't hate you for saying this, but please tall me what is so great about my life now?

tangerine08 October 10 2005, 14:23:55 UTC

we have all been wounded. and as for losing your best friends 1 of them you had jsut been talking about not caring if you lost them. i remember that, dont think i have forgotten.

benjamincurley October 10 2005, 19:24:57 UTC

I never said I didn't care, I just said I wouldn't push my friendship on them again. What should I do? I try to puruse friendships and I am a dick, I let them fall apart and I am backstabbing them.

Thread 5

bandre October 12 2005, 01:54:13 UTC

Ben, i really dont want to sound like a prick, but Steph, Stephen, Andrew, and Megan are all right. Ben, you still have so much more to look forward to. Don't make last year your defining year, make it this one and go out with a bang. And if you fail trying, you should at least have fun doing it. We still have three more semesters left in the year, plenty of time to make your mark and affect other people's lifes. Don't just let the year pass without ambition. Strive to do somthing.

I'll see you later, Ben (the other one)