New Fic - So Many Memories
Michael sat on the bed slowly turning the pages of the photo album. So many memories.
His eyes came to rest on one of his favorite photos. He carefully pulled it out of the album sleeve. It had been taken one weekend when JR had been visiting.
He remembered her bounding into their bedroom, diving onto the bed between him and Ben, yelling that the sun was shining and she wanted to go to the beach! He had of course agreed, he couldn’t say no to her then, and still had problems doing so now when she looked at him with his own brown eyes reflecting back at him. He had cajoled Brian into lending them his car, with the promise that yes, it would come back in one piece and no, they wouldn’t get any sand in it, and yes, Ben would drive.
The day had been perfect. He and Ben had sat watching JR and Hunter making sand castles, playing at the water’s edge, drawing their names in the sand with driftwood, screaming with delight as the surf chased them, washing away all their hard work.
He didn’t remember Hunter taking the photo, but he had caught them in an unguarded moment. He had his head resting on Ben’s shoulder, Ben’s arm was holding him close, obviously whispering something to him, he could see the small smile on his lips, their hair tussled by the light breeze, the sun catching the highlights in Ben’s, giving it a almost golden glow.
There was a tentative knock on the door and he looked up to see JR standing there.
“Daddy?”
“Hey Honeybun”
At 18, she still didn’t seem to mind him calling her that, but he made sure he kept it for moments when they were alone, not wanting to embarrass her in front of her friends, remembering back to times from his own childhood.
Looking at her, he couldn’t believe how the years had gone by. It seemed only yesterday that he and Ben had stood at her crib, watching her gurgling with glee, a ready smile always on her face.
She had grown into a beautiful girl, thick dark hair just touching her shoulders, her huge brown eyes always filled with a look of curiosity, as if wanting to discover everything about the world around her as quickly as possible. She had a coltish look about her, even though she wasn’t very tall and she just radiated happiness wherever she went and his heart did a little jump the way it always did when he realized that she was part of him.
She walked slowly towards the bed, bending down, giving him a peck on the cheek before climbing onto the bed and settling next to him.
“What are you doing?”
“Just looking at some photos.”
She took the one he had been studying from his hand, a smile on her face.
“I remember this day!”
“You do?”
“Yeah. I think I was about 5 and I remember Hunter making me a sand castle, I wanted a princess’s castle but he made a pirate ship and then the waves washed it all away. Uncle Ben made a picnic lunch, and Uncle Brian got mad when we gave him his car back and he found sand in it”
“I can’t believe you remember all that!”
“I remember so many things from when I came to visit, Daddy. You and Uncle Ben always had somewhere new to take me. I remember spending hours at your store and one day, I don’t know how old I was, but you took me to school so I could see Uncle Ben teaching. Perhaps that’s when I decided I wanted to teach as well.”
His eyes misted over, thinking back to those precious weekends that the girls had bought her to visit. He remembered how he and Ben had spent hours deciding on how to spend each day with her, Hunter throwing in his suggestions along the way, but somehow the weekends had always gone so fast and he tried not to be sad when she waved goodbye, just holding onto the thought of the fun they would have planning for the next one.
“Do you know what else I remember, Daddy?”
”What sweetheart?”
“The times when it was too wet or cold to go anywhere and you used to light the fire and make us hot chocolates, Hunter used to toast marshmallows and they tasted so good! And after dinner, Uncle Ben used to read me a story.”
She reached for the photo album and flipped through.
“Look, that’s what I remember!”
He looked at the photo she was pointing to. She was snuggled up on Ben’s lap, her head resting on his chest, listening intently to every word Ben was reading.
“I remember every night Uncle Ben would read me a story. I could listen to his voice for hours, he always made them so much fun and didn’t mind how many questions I asked”
“ I remember those times as well sweetheart” He managed to stammer out, his voice thick with emotion..
“Oh Daddy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad”
He blinked back the tears that were dangerously close to falling and reached for her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
“It’s ok JR you didn’t.”
“You miss him so much don’t you”
“Every minute of every day”
“I do as well. Not like you of course, but when I’m struggling with an assignment for school, I remember what he always used to say to me “JR, you can do and be whatever you want to be” and I work so much harder so that he would be proud of me”
“Oh sweetheart, he was so proud of you and of Hunter. He loved you both so very much”
”I know he did Daddy.”
Michael moved the photo album and pulled JR closer to him, their dark heads resting against each other, both lost in their own thoughts.
“Daddy?”
“Mmmmmm……”
“I was thinking. I know how lonely you are now that Hunter has his own apartment, and I thought that perhaps I could talk to my Mom’s and see if I could come and live here, with you, till I go off to college”
“That’s sweet of you to suggest that JR, but you need to stay in Canada and finish your schooling. You will be here for the Christmas holidays and Uncle Brian said he would find some work for you at Kinnetik, so we will have lots of time together”
“I know but I don’t like you being alone”
”I’m not. I go out with your Uncle Brian and Ted and Em often, and Hunter calls in during the week when he can”
”Yes, I know all that, but you still have to come home to a empty house”
Michael looked at his daughter, wondering how she had become so wise, but not really surprised. She had always been older than her years and had a depth to her that reminded him so much of Ben.
“It’s been a year sweetheart and I am used to it now. And I know this will sound silly, but Ben is always with me when I am here”
”That’s not silly Daddy. I understand, but I still worry about you!”
“I’m the parent here! I’m the one who is supposed to do the worrying!”
He was pleased to see that his words bought a smile to her face. Not that he had any need to worry about her. Her grades were excellent and she had never caused any of her parents a moment of worry. He knew that may change as she got older and made her way in the world but for now he was just grateful for the time he got to spend with her, especially on days like this.
They heard the front door slam and she squealed in delight
“Hunter’s here!” She jumped off the bed, giving Michael a quick kiss before running out the room yelling his name.
He smiled to himself before reaching over and picking up the loose photo, running his fingers over Ben’s face before slipping it back into the photo album and carefully putting in his bedside drawer. He smoothed out the bed and headed to the bathroom, closing the door and leaning against, before sliding to the floor, dropping his head into his arms and letting the tears that he had been holding back while talking to JR finally fall.
JR flew down the stairs and into Hunter’s arms. He picked her up and spun her around her giggles echoing in the room. He put her back onto her feet and looked down at her, a grin on his face.
“Hey brat, you made it”
They had forged a close bond in their childhood, despite their 17 year age difference, due more to their differences than similarities. His due to his HIV status and early years of hustling still leaving him slightly suspicious of people, she because of her complicated family dynamics.
She grabbed hold of his hand and dragged him over to the sofa, pushing him onto it as she settled into a corner, tucking up her feet, throwing a cushion at him, which he caught and put behind his back, making himself comfortable.
“So…how are you…how’s school?”
“School is wonderful…I love it…and I’m good and so pleased to be here….but…..”
He watched a shadow cross her face.
“What?”
“I’m worried about Daddy. He’s so sad”
“Where is he?”
“In his room, looking through photos…”
“And thinking about Ben”
“Yes. I knew he would be lost without him, and I know it’s only been a year but I guess I thought that things might get better….which was naïve of me because I know how much they loved each other. I just don’t know what to do. I suggested coming here to finish school but he said no. I just hate seeing him like this”
“I know. I see it every time I come to visit. I feel guilty for moving out but Amanda wanted us to get our own place and Michael said that we should, that he would be ok, and I believed like you did, that things would get better. Today has got to be incredibly hard for him.”
She dropped her eyes nodding her head, not wanting Hunter to see her tears. She felt him squeeze her hand and looked up at him, to see his eyes brimming with tears.
“I miss Uncle Ben so much!”
“I know. I do as well, but we have to be strong for Dad, he needs us today and maybe tomorrow we can all sit down and talk about this, see if we can find a answer.”
They sat there quietly, their heads filled with thoughts and images of Ben, each pulling out their own special memories, knowing those would always keep Ben with them as the years passed.
Michael walked down the stairs slowly. He’d spent an age under a hot shower, letting the sound of the water muffle his sobs, having given up trying to stem his tears which flowed relentlessly until he had no more left.
The house was quiet and he wondered where they were. He stopped two steps from the bottom his eyes scanning the room, coming to rest on the couch, where they sat, heads close together, their faces animated, both of them seemingly talking together, but still managing to listen to what the other was saying. A smile crossed his face, as it always did, when he saw them together. He must have made a sound, because they both stopped mid sentence and looked up.
He gave them what he hoped was a positive smile, but he could see by their eyes that he couldn’t fool them, they both knew him too well and he knew his puffy and red rimmed eyes were a dead giveaway to how he had spent the last hour.
“Hey Dad!” Hunter leapt up, jumped over the back of the sofa and came bounding over to his father, wrapping his arms around him.
At 35, he towered over Michael and had lost all that lankiness of his teenage years. He was solid but there wasn’t an ounce of spare fat on him. He spent hours at the gym working out, Ben’s many talks about taking care of himself staying with him.
“Hey Hunter. How’s Amanda?”
”She’s great and sends her love. She said to remind you that you’re coming for dinner tomorrow night”
“I haven’t forgotten. Her cooking is too good to miss out on”
Hunter looked at his father, thinking that if they didn’t invite him for a meal on a twice weekly basis he probably wouldn’t remember to eat at all. The guilt he felt earlier about moving out touched him again, but he shook it off, knowing Michael would have it no other way. They had both encouraged him to make his own way in life, searching until he found what he wanted and was happy doing, and he would always be grateful to the confidence they had showed in him to make the right decisions.
JR walked over and stood next to her father.
“Do you want a cup of coffee Daddy?”
“No thanks sweetheart. We need to go”
“I’ll get your coat and you’ll need your scarf as well. It’s cold outside!”
She ran off coming back minutes later and a small smile crossed his face as she fussed over him.
“Thanks honeybun. You and Hunter go ahead I will be out in a minute”
He watched them walk to the door, his heart bursting with pride knowing that he and Ben had contributed to making them the beautiful and caring people they had become.
He cast his eyes around the room, memories of Ben everywhere he looked. He had gotten through the first year of being alone, and wondered if it would ever get any easier. He somehow doubted it would.
He could sense Ben’s presence all around him, and it gave him a feeling of security. He may no longer be with him physically but he was in his heart and mind and he had twenty years of memories to hold onto and treasure forever. For some people that mightn’t be enough but for him it was all he needed.