The thing that keeps getting lost in the kerfuffle

[benndragon]

I've been watching the Lefton party response play out, and I keep thinking the same thing over and over: the stink about cops is a derailment of the very necessary discussion of an incredibly serious problem that happened at the party, which is that David Judah Sher, a known rapist/abuser whose MO includes picking up people at parties just like

Comments

[unseelie]

One of the Local Rapists has been hosting "the poly pool parties" for years

[auros]

If we think it's appropriate to apply a Scarlet Letter to people for this kind of thing, does it make more sense to actually use names in this kind of comment, so that other folks know who not to invite, or who to shove back out the door if they show up at an event where there was a public invite?

Is the concern with naming names that people will sue for libel, if the cases they've been involved with did not include police reports? (Which can be hell for the person making the report, because cops and prosecutors engage in a lot of sex-negative suspicion, and then even if you get to trial a defense lawyer will do even worse.)

[unseelie]

And one of the people I know that He Who Shall Remain Namless did nothing with the police because of her previous experiences with the police were actually LESS FUN than the negative experience was. So she does not want to interact with police on the subject of sexual violence ever again.

Awesome! (head/desk)

[plymouth]

You may have intended him to remain nameless but your initial comment does contain a name I recognize, BTW. Last line of 2nd to last paragraph. Don't know if you want to delete. I know you can't edit now that it is replied to, unfortunately.

[rigel]

I really appreciate this being a separate conversation from the one talking about how to best implement the restraining order, etc. I think it's a valuable one to have, and mixing it in with Who Did What Wrong is just muddling matters.

Addendum: I have other thoughts about very loosely related topics to this one, but I'd be more inclined to talk about them not in a written space. Still too scary to talk about.

[pixel]

Ah, so *this* is what everyone has been hinting at on FB.

Can't say I am the slightest bit surprised that it played out the way it did.

[samus_aran]

Context?

[benndragon]

(In all cases, the comments are highly enlightening regarding how everything unfolded)

What happened at the Beginning of Summer party a couple of weeks ago, as described by the survivor: http://shadesong.livejournal.com/4506838.html

How the hosts responded earlier this week:
http://sunspiral.livejournal.com/314854.html

A follow-up by one of the hosts later that day:
http://sunspiral.livejournal.com/315027.html

'Song responded the next day:
http://shadesong.livejournal.com/4509356.html

You will find more posts on the subject in 'Songs journal, but I think those are the most pertinent in terms of the kerfuffle part (if others want to include links I might've missed, please do).

[samus_aran]

thanks but holy god is that horrifying

My lawyer-type friends agree that it is a bit risky for a party policy to be expressly (not to mention publicly written) "we'll tell you when it's okay to call the cops". I mean, that could turn around and the bite would be pretty nasty.

And... gosh, I really liked those people, and I can understand that it might have looked to them like she was showing up specifically to wreck havoc, but she has since stated that she was not and tried to clarify her position, and their priorities of self-defense (and thereby what looks like perp-defense) haven't budged an inch, and that's fucking terrifying.

So much cringe.

Oh, and whoever WeeGoddess is, I never hope to know.

[benndragon]

She is one of the major disappointments for me in this mess. Like, sunspiral I kinda hoped would do the right thing but my past interactions with him left me feeling like he doesn't really see me as a human being, so I mostly got what I expected in terms of dealing with the thing that actually made me and others outside of his intimate group really upset about what went down (which is that it wasn't dealt with at all because those who care about it are not worth that degree of consideration).

But weegoddess, I've had at least acquaintance-level knowledge of her for a long time, and I generally thought of her as friendly and good people. Now I feel really uncomfortable around her based on things she's said this week. Sadly it's not the first and it won't be the last something like that happens.

[australian_joe]

I've stayed out of it since I haven't been in Boston for a year and am not affected by this and I think there are too many men talking already.

But yes, this. Exactly this. I have been greatly dismayed by how the digging, it keeps getting deeper.

More and more I think the ability to bypass defensiveness is pretty much the key characteristic of sane adulthood.

[benndragon]

How do we develop that ability?

[australian_joe]

I know of no magic method. I think it's really like trying to change anything else in ourselves we don't like