VM fanfic by me
So this isn't the fic I've been promising a lot of people. I wrote this at 1 AM this morning after listening to A LOT of Monty Python.
Title: Monty Python and the Life of Logan: Nobody Expects the PCHer Inquisition
Author: bennet_7
Character: Logan, PCHers
Word Count: 620
Rating: PG-13 for 'violent' situations
Summary: The torture scene from 2.08 done Monty Python style
Spoilers/Warnings: 2.08
Disclaimer: Veronica Mars belongs to Rob Thomas and co. A lot of the dialogue belongs to Monty Python, though I have altered it a bit. Don't sue.
Author's Note: This fic was born out of the 'Spanish Inquisition' sketch as written and performed by Monty Python. I have used material from the original sketch as it aired on 'Flying Circus' and from the version which plays on 'The Ultimate Monty Python Rip Off' CD. You can download the CD version here. Ignore the first 20 seconds or so. Python gag.
If you wish to read the transcript of the original sketch, then I suggest you try this website which also has photos. This website was extremely useful to me because I haven't seen 'Flying Circus' in years.
As Logan comes to his senses, he realises that he has been tied down. Right, so I'm having that dream again.
He can hear muffled male voices and they seem to be arguing. Cautiously, he opens his eyes.
Just then, the door bursts open and Logan is greeted with the sight of three PCHers in red cassocks.
"Nobody expects the PCHer Inquisition!" cries Hector.
"Oh good lordy," mutters Logan. So it's not the normal one then.
"Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to Weevil, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!" Hector stops and turns to Bootsy. "I can't say it - you'll have to say it."
"What?" asks Bootsy.
"You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are...'"
Bootsy is horrified. "But I couldn't do that man."
Hector turns and pushes the other two out the door.
Normally in these dreams, they just shoot my hand off. I gotta say, this is a lot more disturbing.
The PCHers burst back in. Well, Hector bursts in, complete with pointing fingers. Bootsy and Thumper sort of shuffle in behind.
"Er...nobody...um..."
"Expects," Hector prompts.
"Expects...um...Nobody expects the...um...the PCHer...um..."
"Inquisition!"
"I know man, I know!" cries Bootsy. "Nobody expects the PCHer Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect-"
Hector glares at Bootsy. "Our chief weapons are..."
"Our chief weapons are...um..."
"Surprise..."
"Surprise and...."
"Okay, stop!" cries Hector, distressed that his wonderfully planned intro has turned into a disaster. "Stop. Stop there. Phew. Ah!...our chief weapons are surprise, blah, blah, blah. Thumper, read the charge."
Thumper moves forward. "You are hereby charged of the murder of Felix Toombs."
Hector glares at Logan, doing that one eye-brow raised thing that Duncan does. "Now, how do you plead?"
Logan rolls his eyes. "Dude. I'm innocent."
Hector laughs his diabolical hyena laugh while pointing his fingers at Logan.
"We'll soon change your mind about that, white-boy," says Bootsy.
Hector eventually stops laughing his really annoying, diabolical hyena laugh and starts issuing instructions again.
"Bootsy, there is only one thing to do. One: torture him and obtain - two. Two things to do. One: torture. Two: Obtain a signed confession. Three: NOTHING! There is NO third thing! Is that clear?"
Bootsy and Thumper both nod their heads.
"Now, Bootsy. We are to extricate the truth from this rich-ass white boy on pain of torture. Fetch me: THE SOFT CUSHIONS!"
Bootsy returns with two very ordinary looking cushions.
Hector looms over Logan. "Now white-boy! Confess!"
"Listen Paco. I don't know what you're talking about." This is just getting more and more ridiculous.
Hector laughs his hyena laugh. "All right Bootsy! Poke him with the Soft Cushions!"
Bootsy proceeds to poke Logan with the Soft Cushions while Hector yells and flails like a maniac.
"Confess! CONFESS! CONFESS!"
"Yo, Hector. It don't seem to be hurting him," Bootsy notes.
Hector pauses. "Have you got all the stuffing up one end?"
"Yep."
"Agh!" Hector strokes his chin, perplexed. "He must be made of stronger stuff."
Then, inspiration strikes. "Aha! Bootsy! Get me..." Hector pauses for effect. "THE COMFY CHAIR!"
"The Comfy Chair?" asks Bootsy and Thumper.
"The Comfy Chair," replies Hector.
"The Comfy Chair?!" asks Bootsy again, his consternation growing.
"The Comfy Chair?!" echoes Thumper.
While they are all saying "The Comfy Chair" Logan unties his bonds, slips out of the room and wakes up in front of the TV in Duncan's suite at the Neptune Grand.
That's it, he thinks as he makes his way to his room. No more Monty Python before bed...well. Not tonight at any rate. Maybe tomorrow...
A/N 2: So I have a general idea of how the second chapter might go ("She's a witch!") and even the third ("Your mother was a hamster!") but I need to be in the right mood to write something this stupid.
All feedback and suggestions greatly appreciated.