and i know there'll be no more tears in heaven
I have waited awhile to write this. I feel like i needed to experience everything before i was able to write down how i felt. And i still don't really know. i have no idea. It really is new to me. My grandfather died, but i knew him and loved him about as much, if not less than i loved nick.
I didn't know him. Which is why it was harder for me to cry next to his locker, it was harder for me to cry at his wake. I did, but i think it was more for the people who it did effect. Lee Anne's away message was the first thing that made me burst out into tears:
I asked you if you had ever been in love.And you said Yes with out thinking twice.It's so hard being young.But you had it all down.You were in love.You described it as something that doesnt just happen but happens gradually, you learn to love that person. Eventually you cant go a day without thinking about them or talking about them, youd be there for them no matter what or where you were.You sometimes get a pain in your stomach just thinking about them.You always wanted to be with them,and you could see yourself with them for the rest of your life.And after you said how you were in love and what it felt like I asked smiling"Who was it"and you laughed and said smiling back"I can't tell you".But I know Nick.Cause we told each other everything,even if it was in an indirect way-I love you too-give it a ride-11/20/04
and ithought about her. and i thought how horrible she must feel. and i thought about his parents and siblings. And then i thought, what if it happened to me?
On monday, i was walking through the senior lounge, and i came across petey, greg, dave R, and becky all sitting in a circle in the corner, and i could see they had instruments. They were learning a song i well knew "wish you were here" by pink floyd. I sat down, helped them along, told them what sounded good and bad, and helped them sing the song. Tyler came in and played the other guitar part. Since i was singing, they told me to come up and sing with them in the hallway. We sat on the bench that had been covered in signatures by everyone who loved him. A crowd of people gathered, including Nick's parents, and we began. We sang it through, and it really just shocked me. my leg was shaking the whole time. It was overwhelming, to say the least. the sad look on every single person's face, i couldn't help but wish that he was here again. We ended, and it was silent for a good 5 minutes or so except for the sobbing and sniffling of the crowd. It really moved me. That so many people cared for this kid. That so many people were hit by his death.
I stayed home from school today. I don't know why. I didn't do much of anything. sat around. But i kept getting this feeling like i wanted to just get away. Away from the death, away from my family, away from this town for a while. Not just because of nick's death, but because of everything that is wrong. Or that i see as wrong. Its hard, and i really don't know how to express my feelings at all. I've got 'em all bottled up inside, and i havn't found the right way to let them all out on the world. I havn't even found a big enough portion of the world that would care. I feel like this whole entry is just a big cliche bunch of crap that you will read and say "who cares". oh well, maybe someday i'll express them right.
Tonight, after leaving the wake, micah, curtis, liz, jeff, and i drove a long silent ride home. We left jeffs house and drove to dunkin donuts to drop me off at my car. Micah got out of his car and came around to the back of his car and gave me a big hug. Now i knew this was going to happen, and i thought nothing of it. and then he said this:
"Dude, i just wanted to tell you that you've been my best freind since 7th grade. you've always been there, and i don't know what i would do without you."
he was kind of looking away, and looking at the ground. it was clear he was nervous. We had never expressed these kinds of feelings before. it was all laughing and fun through these 6 years spent, and we never said out in the open even that we were freinds. But its true. Micah has been so much to me. I'm always comfortable around him, and i never worry about losing him, or getting left behind by him. i can't think of one time that i've been upset with him, or mad at him. he's such a good kid.
It was weird, and really awkward, but it really hit me. I told him "i love you man" and he kind of laughed and looked at the ground again. Despite the awkwardness, i think this was one of the most moving moments of my life. It really really makes me feel the best inside when i know i've helped someone, and i know i've been there for someone, and i just get this overwhelming feeling of joy when they thank me for it. So thank you Micah.
And it scares me. on the ride home, i was thinking about me sitting in that casket. my mom and my dad standing by my corpse, and my freinds walking up and giving them hugs. I thought about john first. I thought about how he would feel. I don't know why. I had the picture perfectly in my mind of him walking up to my dad and giving him a hug. And thats when i started crying.
I just want to take this moment to thank everyone. For teaching me lessons, and being there for me, and making me laugh, and making me cry, and throwing me motel parties on my birthday, and going to concerts with me, and sharing my cape house with me, and hanging out in the padd with me, and rockin' the tent with me, and coming to my parties, and teaching me to love music, and loving rick james with me, and looking at the stars with me, and going to coutha with me, and playing frisbee with me, and joking with me, and standing beside me, and letting me be the person i am, and loving me...
...i love you too.
I'm singing at his funeral tomorrow...
I don't know how this had touched anyone, only how it's touched me. I don't know. I my heart goes out to everyone in need. and everyone unhappy. i'm here. feel better, and rest in peace nick. 1988-2004 is just far to short.
I didn't know him. Which is why it was harder for me to cry next to his locker, it was harder for me to cry at his wake. I did, but i think it was more for the people who it did effect. Lee Anne's away message was the first thing that made me burst out into tears:
I asked you if you had ever been in love.And you said Yes with out thinking twice.It's so hard being young.But you had it all down.You were in love.You described it as something that doesnt just happen but happens gradually, you learn to love that person. Eventually you cant go a day without thinking about them or talking about them, youd be there for them no matter what or where you were.You sometimes get a pain in your stomach just thinking about them.You always wanted to be with them,and you could see yourself with them for the rest of your life.And after you said how you were in love and what it felt like I asked smiling"Who was it"and you laughed and said smiling back"I can't tell you".But I know Nick.Cause we told each other everything,even if it was in an indirect way-I love you too-give it a ride-11/20/04
and ithought about her. and i thought how horrible she must feel. and i thought about his parents and siblings. And then i thought, what if it happened to me?
On monday, i was walking through the senior lounge, and i came across petey, greg, dave R, and becky all sitting in a circle in the corner, and i could see they had instruments. They were learning a song i well knew "wish you were here" by pink floyd. I sat down, helped them along, told them what sounded good and bad, and helped them sing the song. Tyler came in and played the other guitar part. Since i was singing, they told me to come up and sing with them in the hallway. We sat on the bench that had been covered in signatures by everyone who loved him. A crowd of people gathered, including Nick's parents, and we began. We sang it through, and it really just shocked me. my leg was shaking the whole time. It was overwhelming, to say the least. the sad look on every single person's face, i couldn't help but wish that he was here again. We ended, and it was silent for a good 5 minutes or so except for the sobbing and sniffling of the crowd. It really moved me. That so many people cared for this kid. That so many people were hit by his death.
I stayed home from school today. I don't know why. I didn't do much of anything. sat around. But i kept getting this feeling like i wanted to just get away. Away from the death, away from my family, away from this town for a while. Not just because of nick's death, but because of everything that is wrong. Or that i see as wrong. Its hard, and i really don't know how to express my feelings at all. I've got 'em all bottled up inside, and i havn't found the right way to let them all out on the world. I havn't even found a big enough portion of the world that would care. I feel like this whole entry is just a big cliche bunch of crap that you will read and say "who cares". oh well, maybe someday i'll express them right.
Tonight, after leaving the wake, micah, curtis, liz, jeff, and i drove a long silent ride home. We left jeffs house and drove to dunkin donuts to drop me off at my car. Micah got out of his car and came around to the back of his car and gave me a big hug. Now i knew this was going to happen, and i thought nothing of it. and then he said this:
"Dude, i just wanted to tell you that you've been my best freind since 7th grade. you've always been there, and i don't know what i would do without you."
he was kind of looking away, and looking at the ground. it was clear he was nervous. We had never expressed these kinds of feelings before. it was all laughing and fun through these 6 years spent, and we never said out in the open even that we were freinds. But its true. Micah has been so much to me. I'm always comfortable around him, and i never worry about losing him, or getting left behind by him. i can't think of one time that i've been upset with him, or mad at him. he's such a good kid.
It was weird, and really awkward, but it really hit me. I told him "i love you man" and he kind of laughed and looked at the ground again. Despite the awkwardness, i think this was one of the most moving moments of my life. It really really makes me feel the best inside when i know i've helped someone, and i know i've been there for someone, and i just get this overwhelming feeling of joy when they thank me for it. So thank you Micah.
And it scares me. on the ride home, i was thinking about me sitting in that casket. my mom and my dad standing by my corpse, and my freinds walking up and giving them hugs. I thought about john first. I thought about how he would feel. I don't know why. I had the picture perfectly in my mind of him walking up to my dad and giving him a hug. And thats when i started crying.
I just want to take this moment to thank everyone. For teaching me lessons, and being there for me, and making me laugh, and making me cry, and throwing me motel parties on my birthday, and going to concerts with me, and sharing my cape house with me, and hanging out in the padd with me, and rockin' the tent with me, and coming to my parties, and teaching me to love music, and loving rick james with me, and looking at the stars with me, and going to coutha with me, and playing frisbee with me, and joking with me, and standing beside me, and letting me be the person i am, and loving me...
...i love you too.
I'm singing at his funeral tomorrow...
I don't know how this had touched anyone, only how it's touched me. I don't know. I my heart goes out to everyone in need. and everyone unhappy. i'm here. feel better, and rest in peace nick. 1988-2004 is just far to short.