Chuck norris facts...lots of them I like...yo
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris' blood type is AK . Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will fuck you up.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Fuck was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
Too late, asshole.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
What many people dont know is chuck norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.