Funny article
Henry Rollins ran into trouble while flying from Auckland, Australia during the Big Day Out Tour.
Apparently, the former hardcore vocalist and author made the mistake of reading Jihad: The Rise of Militant Island in Central Asia while on the flight. The book - a largely academic look at the roots and conflicts in Central Asian and their connections to terrorism - apparently raised some red flags resulting in Rollins recieving what he described as "a latter from a nice woman who worked in one of those government areas that deals with anti-terrorism matters."
The individual who sat next to Henry had reported him to the government because of the book; while the letter he recieved from the government dismissed the accussation as "idiocy," Henry responded:
"I was reading a book called Jihad by Ahmed Rashid which is a history of Central Asia. I didn't speak to the man next to me past how do you do. I think Ahmed Rashid is published by Yale University Press. Bush's alma mater. Please tell your government and everyone in your office to go fuck themselves. Tell them twice. If your boss is looking for something to do, you can tell him I suggest he go fuck himself. Baghdad's safer than my hometown and your PM is a sissy."
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Tamagogani Meisaku (Roasted Crab Babies)
Death in a Bag
Flavor: 4
Interaction: 2
Honesty/Integrity: 5
Aesthetics: 0
Total Taste: 11
If you ever wanted to pretend you had crabs, here's your chance, these roasted crab babies are the perfect size to lay around your pubic area for you to take a picture to send to mom as a Christmas card. These bite sized terrors are approximately the size of a United States quarter, are roasted a bright red, and topped off with sesame seeds.
Like adding sesame seeds to these ugly little shits would really make a difference.
The package is absolutely horrifying and staring at it for too long will make you imagine what would happen if the Nazi's at Auschwitz decided to cover all the dead Jews in sesame seeds. Knowing that these little bastards would probably have been a lot more delicious had they been bigger and cooked doesn't help either. The crabs, not the Jews.
Semitic jokes aside, these little guys pack one hell of a crunch, you have to break through the shell to get to the dried innards. Obviously they taste fishy, but they also taste sandy and having to chew the shells is a little bit like chewing on broken glass. All these terrible sensations happening in your mouth is like torture. The little crabby soul being sent to heaven the minute you free him from his death shell.
Honestly, eating these things is like having a Pokemon battle in your mouth. The crab claws were slicing my tongue apart as my teeth valiantly tried to fend off the attack. I yelled 'Pikachu!' only to spit pieces of tiny crab legs all over my desk and keyboard, and that still didn�t help matters. No one could help me, not Pikachu, not my teeth, and definitely no Nazi�s. I don�t know why anyone would buy these.
Sanko Yuki no Yado
Bukkake Crackers
Flavor: 6
Interaction: 2
Honesty/Integrity: 3
Aesthetics: 3
Total Taste: 14
The first thing you think when you look at these oddly designed Rice Crackers is why in the world Yuki, snow in Japanese, would ever be connected to this snack. The first impression, upon looking at the crackers and assuming you couldn't understand Japanese, is 'Wow this looks like a sugary treat cookie!'
It's not.
It's not a sugary cookie and it's most certainly not much of a treat. Sure there are the bunch of you who like the bland little Rice Cracker type things. Sure there are those of you who enjoy a little bukkake splatter on your foodstuff here and there. Sure there might even be those of you who just like to buy whatever snacks have something you can't read on packaging so you can feel better about your lonely existence. This is something I want to spare you from.
If you want to eat a bland salty (but light!) cracker.. just buy some Rice Crispy's and pour salt on it. For good measure go ahead and jizz on it.
The Rice Cracker is airy and light, a little salty and is topped off with a bit of white frosting. I can tell you now that the icing is leagues too weak to overpower the salty flavor of the cracker. This is a great snack for the kiddies to pack with their lunches, assuming you want to get them angry you didn't pack them a Twinkie instead. Though there isn't anything bad about the way this snack tastes, it certainly isn't special, and it certainly isn't the best. If you want a salty treat, just stick to chips.
Choco in Bar
Styrofoam
Flavor: 4
Interaction: 2
Honesty/Integrity: 3
Aesthetics: 1
Total Taste: 10
First of all, I want to point out how phallic the design of the packaging is. It looks like a chocolaty wiener jizzing out some chocolaty protein. But for you chocolatephiles that might just be your thing. Prepare for the lie of your lives.
Much like the playa at a bar all the promises made falls quite a bit short from the reality of the situation. The package had claimed a crispy treat coated in a rich milk chocolate and filled with a gooey chocolaty center.
What's the reality?
The thing, literally tastes like Styrofoam.
The chocolate coating is not so much chocolate as it is brown paint sprayed onto the surface of the Styrofoam rice crisp. The chocolate center is not so much liquid chocolate as it is some other not liquid at all unearthly brown substance that is the furthest from chocolate you could possibly get. If I've ever eaten mud the way Nickelodeons Rugrats promised I did at some point of my infant life, I'm fairly sure it tasted better than this.
The entire thing is bland, oh sure it's crunchy, but so are chips of wood. It's literally got no taste going for it. If you thought my Total Taste rating solely relied on the whether it tasted good, you would be wrong. You can see those damned baby crabs actually scored higher on my rating than this thing. Why is that? Those baby crabs taste like baby crabs, I may not like the taste, but they didn't outright lie about the flavors. Choco in Bar? More like Crap in Crap. Don't even give these guys a second look.
Corn Potage
Creamed Corn in Snack Form
Flavor: 8
Interaction: 4
Honesty/Integrity: 5
Aesthetics: 4
Total Taste: 21
This is one of the most mysterious snacks I've ever tasted. If you like creamed corn and puff crisps, you're bound to like these little puffy guys. I�ve eaten these before during my time in Japan, but every time I taste it, it's completely amazing. They have literally found a way to infuse the savory qualities of Cream of Corn into little puffs lighter than Cheetos. It's like eating clouds of corn. It's great, almost euphoric feeling.
I'd like to point out that, unlike in America, a small portion of the chips in Japan tend to be savory and this is one of the best. It's difficult to say much about these little guys because the taste is so straightforward and honest. The taste is extremely crisp and clear.
God dammit, I'm going out to get some more of these.
You can look away. I'm getting dressed to go out.
So what I wear Power Ranger underoos? Fuck you. You know what, you don't see me complaining about your smell.
Yeah I said it, and what are you going to do about it? Bathe more often?
ONE CAN ONLY DREAM BUDDY.
Kuma-Ku Collection: Human Life Partner
Friend in a Box
Flavor: 7
Interaction: 4
Honesty/Integrity: 4
Aesthetics: 4
Total Taste: 19
What a cocky promise. The Kuma-ku collection promises to provide you with a human life partner. How in the world can this little box contain not only a chocolaty treat but also your soulmate? Never has a little box promised such lofty goals. It's up to you, and your low expectations, to find out whether or not they were telling the truth.
While the cookie tastes great, the chocolaty filling living up to its chocolaty promise, there is much left to be desired about my new life partner. It's up to you to choose one of a glorious ten possible soulmates which include but not limited to; a drunk, a bear in a frog costume, a Rastafarian, a thief, and afro'd disco bear. I've chosen a DJ with his own little spin table!
DJ play that music louder onegai!
So far this guy does nothing but hang around. My life partner is a sham. If I were to add in a new category in which to rate my snack treats, I would add in 'Lofty Promises' and give it a score of 0 out of 10. It was silly of me to expect BoA to jump out of the box and begin dancing with me. It was silly of me to imagine us strolling down the beach at sunset in each others arms laughing about the past. It was silly of me to already begin thinking about the words I would use in my marriage proposal.
IT WAS SILLY OF ME TO ALREADY HAVE NAMED OUR CHILDREN.
Umm� the snack is good though. The chocolate filling is extremely creamy and smooth and definitely compliments the type of cookie used. It's firm and gives a satisfying crunch. I'm going out on a limb by saying that the disappointment of not getting your human life partner is mitigated by the chocolaty treats contained inside the very same box. It doesn't do much but at least you can cry yourself to sleep on a full stomach.
My thoughts about this weeks taste sensations? Not so good overall. There were some bad times and some good times. Mostly bad and I feel mostly pain now. Little shards of crab seem to be trying to escape my stomach and work its way into my blood stream. I'm fairly sure those things weren't meant to be eaten, maybe cultivated as livestock or something. But for those of you who caught the last article, I told you checking out Japanese snacks weren't going to be all fame and fortune. It's going to be a lot of tough work and sacrifice. My stomach may never be the same. Until next time, eats out!
Eats out!
You know? Like Peace out?
Oh fuck it.. forget it. Can't salvage that one.
