Right before I fell asleep last night, I started thinking about how much I place my "I'm okay"s and truly believing them on external stuff. External validation is so big for me, even just in believing that I'm okay at that moment. I look at astrology, at tarot, at my job, at my friends, at my family, at numbers that pop up around me to validate ( Read more... )

The sun came out today and I greeted it like an old friend. I went for a walk into the park for the first time since I was robbed and stood by the evergreen next to the hospital path. I greeted him like an old friend too.

Nature is welcoming me back after a long, cold and dark month. A mockingbird said hello to me as I stood in the middle of the ( Read more... )

I'm constantly feeling like I'm on this mad dash somewhere, to approval, to love, to comfort, to safety. I am the white rabbit yelling that I'm late at all times, the clock moving a second too fast, my thumping heart a little too quick, always arriving to the train station a second too late. Sometimes I pause, I catch my breath, I lean against my ( Read more... )

The sunshine wraps itself around me as I grab it by the handfuls and shove it down my throat. Sunlight pours from my pores. I gorge on the light after I’ve sat in darkness for eternity, eternity waiting for me as the sun sets once more.

The sunshine is enough to make me sick.

The calendar states back at me.
The Wheel of Fortune stares at me.

My ( Read more... )

Today is my day of rest. The wheels continue turning. “I’m exhausted” means so much until it’s said every day and then it means nothing. I have no desire today to do anything. Not to go outside, not to follow the whole list of things I should do, a list that is long and meandering like a snake without an end, constantly getting longer and longer ( Read more... )

I trip up on myself with legos sewed to the bottom of my feet

Always getting in my own way

I am the cause of my own unhappiness; I am the reason for my sadness
Never doing enough, never doing enough, always getting in my own way

Spiritual TikTok says to surrender but I don't know how
I listen to the astrology and the guides talking about Spirit
( Read more... )

Today I want to write about fear, about the chokehold it’s had on me for a long time but especially within the past three years. My mom’s terror infused into me since I was a kid - there are bad people out there, don’t trust anyone, no one will defend you if something happens and then being proven right.

Fear has crept alongside me since I was a kid ( Read more... )

This week, my blanket of doubt replaced a blanket of stars so dense that it looked like tiny moth bitten holes in a black sheet. “Come, you don't need this anymore”.

Before, right before, pinks and purples danced on the horizon as Helios's chariot dipped below to other lands and other mountains and someone else standing on their own zenith ( Read more... )

Hi, I saw you today. In a flyer for your best friend's political run. You were off to the far right, the tall, big guy with the soft smile and glasses, the face I looked at every day for five years until I had to untangle my spider web from yours. I miss you. In a soft, gentle way like rocks weathered by rain, sleet and current. "You look good", I ( Read more... )

I was asked to write about the desert. I see the saguaros and the nopales on the screen and I think of Mexico, of a place where I briefly belonged by association. The food and the accent stuck to my clothes like when you cook in your kitchen all the time and your home starts developing an odor that you no longer smell.

A long time ago, I sat by ( Read more... )