Standalone
Title: Sea. Sky. Mind. Method. Madness. [1/1]
Author:
soulsdisband
Pairing: Bert/Gerard
POV: Gerard's
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not mine. etc.
Summary: A metaphysical journey through the world which Gerard and Bert have created within their crazy, collective imagination.
If you have read any of my stuff. This will seem familiar - I plagurised some of my own phrases.
These nights are hard and cold, and they pump through my veins like a poison. The stars are dimming and the sky is dark, and it feels like it’s all closing in. I can see us sitting, curled with a patchwork quilt which you sewed with your lies and deceit. I whispered I love you, and you whispered, Don’t, and my heart slowly sank to the sea.
So now I am sitting, alone and curled into myself, drowning in salt-water skies. The cool is nipping at my skin and all I want is to be home and warm and safe. So I build a ladder to the stars, and climb on every rung just to get away from you and this. The stars swell and burst with an icy shatter and the shards become lodged in the memory of you. Crack open my skull and let the wave pour free, let out the blue and let out the brittle and let out the bitter, cold wind. This wave of tears at the back of my eyes will freeze over before I cry for you.
The black of the night is engulfing as I crawl back to my mind and the depths of the deep. The path of absolution lies before me, leading to a place I can’t make out. So I float on a cloud, which heaves with a sigh and looks like sand churning wildly through the ocean. The wind blows breezy through my slowly sealing wounds and the sting is unforgiving. I screech with a terror that echoes through my bones and aches with the pain of betrayal. But this path twists back to the beginning and I see you standing on my core. The snow begins to fall and the chill rests in my throat so I can’t speak. The words you don’t say ricochet off the walls of my mind and explode into the infinity of shadows.
I begin to run through this murky, bleak sap of everything we used to be but the air is thick and it’s hard to move away from you. There is an uneasiness coming to blanket us but before it can swallow me whole you lock my eyes and tell me what you feel. The blanket falls to shreds and weaves itself around the shards in my skin, bandaging your malevolence. But the water seeps through and drips to the ground, melting me out from the inside and I spill from myself, puddling at your feet.
The floor dips and quakes and pulsates to the beat. The steady bom-bomp of a heart, of a wave, of a night when I am no longer alone. So, I swell with the floor and I roll, uncontrollably with the currents of your apologies and pool in separate spots between the stars. Disjointed. Dispersed. Divided. Unable to move back to myself, spilt recklessly like these feelings, I decide it’s too much. I climb out of this primordial sludge, an amoeba, a foetus, a growth not yet grown but which you cradle as your own.
Then. Now. Never. We exist wholly within me, beneath the sea but above the sky and in between ourselves. We float on the flux of what is to come and swim alongside a pretence of I’m sorry, and I forgive you. But this façade of rekindled love will not take when the water is lapping at its edges, wetting the hope we never really had. And so, I drown, flailing wildly for a grip on past lives. The crisp night air fills my lungs and my head lolls to your shoulder, top heavy with the ambition of survival in the deep blue of forgotten dusks.
The greys and blues and blacks all swirl a mass of messy memories and as we come to, we begin to fall out the bottom of the sea to the starry skies below. The tips of our fingers are melding to the vast nothingness and I can no longer tell where you end and I begin. The ends of my hair are streaming out to touch the jagged edges of the celestial, becoming part of the sea-sky which is my mind. I’m being pulled into the shadows and your words from before are now one with us, we can no longer break from each other or ourselves or the fall which is our fate. The streaks of melancholy smudge by and I’m mixed into a broth of expansiveness and endlessness, forever sinuous with the swell and billow of a never ending high.
The night is hard and cold, and I pump through its veins like a poison, spilling to the edges and tips of oblivion. You curl with the wind and rise to the occasion when I tell you, I love you, by mixing with the darkened shades of black and whispering back, Me too.