(no subject)
"If you are going to go for anything you should probably go for God,
its reliable or whatever, but the biblical god is very strange I think
cause he is quite hostile, he is always
wreaking wrath and revenge and other things starting with 'rrr' and
jesus is much more mellow, approachable sort of person, you know,
robes, beard speaking in very loose terms and he must have been very
annoying terms too because he always spoke in parables which would be
a bit irritating if you were in a hurry ... 'Jesus, do you want a
beer?' ... ' There once was a man who lived in an attic and he was
growing seeds but the light came in from the left and in the end he
was strangled by his own trousers'. 'so you don't want a beer'.. my
favourite jesus story , the big jesus number is the fishes and the
loaves number, you know it is a very big thing, jesus came over the
hill he didn't like hotels and everyone one was coming from miles
around going 'Jesus, Lord teach us, teach us just please teach us..
and some snacks' kind of a package weekend and jesus went 'fish and
chips.. now take it away' now that is a great story but the thing
about great stories is that they tend to get exaggerated, so what
probably happened originally was that Jesus was in his flat, there
were a few people around and they were all a bit mashed and they went
into the kitchen and there was just a bit of toast and sardines or
something and they all went 'come on, for fuck's sake, this is shit, I
am starving, come on, do the jesus thing and he went 'no no,
shhhhhhhhh, take yourselves out to the pation, I will sort it out' and
he went and found some tomato sauce and maybe a bit of cheese and made
quite a good thing considering and brought it in and they all went
'yeah, you are the lord, you have the remote control' you have to
change stories to make them interesting...if someone comes up to you
and says 'i went out and got really drunk cause I fell down and hurt
my leg' you might laugh cause it might be your best friend.. but when
you tell someone else you change it so you don't look like an arse,
say 'Did you hear about Brenda she went out she got really drunk she
fell down and hurt her leg and opened up an antique shop' and when
that person goes and tells someone else it because something else
again 'did you hear about Brenda she was out all night drinking heroin
out of a hot water bottle, fell down on a burning sword and exploded
into a million bits and she was attacked by these two tiny dwarves
made entirely out of celery and spider sperm and they were throwing
this big tin foil otter that they had stolen of a bus full of school
children who were smuggling chutney across the mexican border in their
heads and then they were all chased down a chocolate well and drowned
in a big pool of dentist's piss"
HAHA excellent