Boy do I hear you on the frustration of the tradeoffs. The ONE med I was ever on that was completely effective for me... it gave me tremor to the point where I couldn't dress myself or tie my own shoes. But I felt stable and good for the first time maybe ever, and no other med had achieved that before (or since), and I didn't want to give it up, so I kept postponing my therapy sessions so that my doctor wouldn't see the tremor
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Medication is such a weird thing. There are side effects that don't bother me too much, like the speech aphasia I get with topamax. I am so used to it, and just work around it. I am sure it seems weird to new people to me, but it is just a weird tick of mine.
But things like tremors so bad you can't get dressed or being so crazy that your whole life starts to fall apart, those are things you just can't deal with.
I am going to say that the mood stabilizer really seems to be working, though it is making me gain back those 15 pounds I lost when I week off of zoloft. I am okay with that, it is just something that I was hoping that wouldn't happen.
Obviously we don't have all the details there but I wonder what your definition of being an asshole looks like. If you are in crisis, being more selfish can be the right thing to do. Obviously not being on meds that put you in crisis is the better solution! But in the moment, doing what you had to in order to take care of yourself was likely not wrong, and definitely better than hurting yourself!
Medication side effects are the worst*, especially when it takes awhile to figure out that they ARE med side effects. Especially when they mean there is no net benefit in quality of life because any benefit you get from the medication is negated by the side effects. Sometimes its a question of "which kind of horrible do you want to feel
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But things like tremors so bad you can't get dressed or being so crazy that your whole life starts to fall apart, those are things you just can't deal with.
I am going to say that the mood stabilizer really seems to be working, though it is making me gain back those 15 pounds I lost when I week off of zoloft. I am okay with that, it is just something that I was hoping that wouldn't happen.
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I don’t remember you being an asshole at all. <3
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