broken hearted and trying to overcome emotional shock.
i'm in emotional shock right now.
and this may be the last post i can ever write, we shall see.
its over.
i went over there because he needed/wanted to comfort me and take care of all the other stuff that happened and we reached a good place, and he did a lot to reassure me and calm me down.
and then the conversation shifted.
and i think its honestly really over, because he's going to cut me out because he knows he has to in order for me to move on
and i just wasn't in a place to deal with this tonight
i knew it would come eventually
but i wasn't in any condition to have to face it tonight.
he deserves so much better than me nad i know that, i hate what an emotional manipulative bitch i am.
Adam drove me home so i didn't have to face that
but he didn't say goodbye. He walked out to get Adam and he didn't ever come back
he didn't say goodbye
and i know it was for the better
but it hurts so much
i've never hurt like i am right now
and you can think whatever you want about me and hate me or think i'm a bitch and i had this coming..... but i can't believe anyone should feel this way.
he says he cares about me and wants to stop hurting me.
he's an amazing guy and i've always known that
which makes this even more difficult.
how do you say goodbye to someone who is so integrally a part of you? how do you accept the fact that the person who knows you best and understands you best and is the person you care most about is determined to never be in your life again.
he just says he knows we can't be friends because i won't move on and he hates to think I'm holding on and continuing to be hurt
this is the first break up he didn't check up on me afterwards.
i need to hear his voice so bad right now.
i wanted to spend one more night over there, to be able to spend the worst night with my best friend... but i guess he was right and it wasn't a good idea.
i'm trying so hard to make myself realize the finality of this but i just can't. i'm so psychologically screwed up that i would want to continue to hope that this will work out...
i really am a horrible person. i should have set him free long ago and not made him have to do this to me.
i will never forget
i will never be the same...
and i will never stop loving him.
i'm sure everyone is right that somewhere down the road i'll meet someone else... but i will never let myself open up to anyone that way again. it hurts too much when you lose it. i will never share with them what I had with him. i lost a part of myself tonight and I don't know how to function without it.
everyone keeps saying that he'll eventually realize how monumental of a mistake he's making, but the thing is i seriously doubt he would ever come back to me if he did. he'd be too afraid of hurting me.
i got through the night of hte break up before... but it was always the "lets not be together now, maybe in te future"
didn't get that this time
I can't even go to bed depressed but with the hope of talking to him tomorrow. he won't talk to me. He'll try and force me to move on
But he won't accept the fact that I just wasn't ready to be pushed. The baby birds are pushed out of the nest to make them learn how to fly. the push is necessary. But not every bird flies. Some are pushed to early and end up dead on the sidewalk.
i'm flapping my wings as hard as possible... but i just have no motivation to "Get through this" because getting through this means accepting that he will no longer be in my life.
how do you deal with losing the person you care most about not because they die, but because they simply don't want to be in your life anymore. its not that they can't, its that they won't.
i just don't even want to stop typing because at least when I'm typing i can convince myself that i don't have to accept things yet, but the second my fingers leave the keys it'll be over.
Leaving his room tonight... with all of the memories was so hard.
knowing someone else was going to get to enter that room with him and make her own memories with him was even harder.
and i guess that's the last thing to say... in my mind he will always be my Andy. Some other girl will get to be his girlfriend... Get to experience how wonderful life is with him in it- but i left my emotional claim on him, and that's not something that can be erased.
I will never forget him, i will always think of him on the fourth of the month.
i want him to be happy, and if he wasn't happy with me then that wasn't fair.
but i won't forget all the wonderful memories we shared.... and it hurts so much to think he might... or that they will stop meaning anything to him.
and deep down, i will never stop wishing that we could work things out.