(no subject)
I got through the first night which I guess is one of the hardest things to do.
Debating just not going to any of the homecoming stuff this weekend. Maybe Gator Growl- not sure if the game will be worth it.
And I need to talk to Zach about getting out of the block for the final two games.
I read somewhere once that you should expect 1 month of recovery for every 3 months you were in a relationship. Would have been two and a half years on Sunday- 30 months, so we're looking at 10 months of recovery before I should be over it. I can't even imagine feeling like this for 10 months. Especially knowing he's already over it and going to be fine- doesn't seem fair, but then again I was more emotionally involved than he was.
Very weird feeling being so collectively hated by a group. I was informed that I had it coming posting my feelings online. i guess I did- and I hate that i hurt people, but then again, who the hell would have ever guessed that I would be stalked and this found. I've made it clear from day one on my journal that whatever I post here is not written for others benefits- the only reason I post things open is because I have friends from the past and friends from home who read this to keep up on my life that don't have a LJ, but I guess I'm going to have to go to locked posts.
I apologize now for anyone who was hurt by what was written- the post is now friends only for a variety of reasons, mainly I'm tired of being the joke of the fraternity and "involving brothers in stuff that is none of their business". I tried as hard as I could not to involve people, save the few who sought me out wanting to be my friend, but I guess it wasn't enough.
It hurts to realize I'm apparently public Enemy number 1 in the Sigma Nu house- but I guess I have to just learn not to let it get to me. My biggest mistake was believing if I held on through all the shit long enough that things would work out. Beleiving that us caring about each other was enough when deep down I knew it wasn't.
Why did I come to UF? Not for him that's for sure... but because I wanted to escape the poisionous atmosphere of Furman and come to somewhere new that I could make a fresh start and try and figure things out. Is it bad that I have that "I just want to start over again" feeling? Everything about this place, everything in my room, everything in the city reminds me of him- things we've done, things we shared. And more than anything I need to move past the feeling of guilt that this is so hard on me. People like Kate understand because they've been through it, and honestly I respect Adam so much right now because as he was driving me home last night he looked at me and said "Bethany, I've never been in that kind of relationship before, so I honestly don't know what you're going through, but I know you're going to need to talk a lot in the next few days, and I want you to know that I'm here for you"
And that's just the thing. How many people our age have really been in that kind of relationship? I know people date, but 2 and a half years especially when you think about how much we went through and how close we got is a lot- and I'm turning a deaf ear to people who have never experienced this kind of heartbreak and the pressure i feel to just suck it up and move on.
I will move on eventually- but I just can't right now, I can't face it. So I'm shoving it aside and pretending its not real until I can face it. Maybe tomorrow, maybe a few days from now, maybe a few weeks from now.
Have a lot more to get out but I need to force myself to get up and deal with other issues while I'm in an emotionally stable condition.
I need my Brita right now... I lost one of the two people that were my support and my source of strength last night, and right now I just need a hug from the other one.
I miss you babe- so much. Don't move to France permanently, please
Debating just not going to any of the homecoming stuff this weekend. Maybe Gator Growl- not sure if the game will be worth it.
And I need to talk to Zach about getting out of the block for the final two games.
I read somewhere once that you should expect 1 month of recovery for every 3 months you were in a relationship. Would have been two and a half years on Sunday- 30 months, so we're looking at 10 months of recovery before I should be over it. I can't even imagine feeling like this for 10 months. Especially knowing he's already over it and going to be fine- doesn't seem fair, but then again I was more emotionally involved than he was.
Very weird feeling being so collectively hated by a group. I was informed that I had it coming posting my feelings online. i guess I did- and I hate that i hurt people, but then again, who the hell would have ever guessed that I would be stalked and this found. I've made it clear from day one on my journal that whatever I post here is not written for others benefits- the only reason I post things open is because I have friends from the past and friends from home who read this to keep up on my life that don't have a LJ, but I guess I'm going to have to go to locked posts.
I apologize now for anyone who was hurt by what was written- the post is now friends only for a variety of reasons, mainly I'm tired of being the joke of the fraternity and "involving brothers in stuff that is none of their business". I tried as hard as I could not to involve people, save the few who sought me out wanting to be my friend, but I guess it wasn't enough.
It hurts to realize I'm apparently public Enemy number 1 in the Sigma Nu house- but I guess I have to just learn not to let it get to me. My biggest mistake was believing if I held on through all the shit long enough that things would work out. Beleiving that us caring about each other was enough when deep down I knew it wasn't.
Why did I come to UF? Not for him that's for sure... but because I wanted to escape the poisionous atmosphere of Furman and come to somewhere new that I could make a fresh start and try and figure things out. Is it bad that I have that "I just want to start over again" feeling? Everything about this place, everything in my room, everything in the city reminds me of him- things we've done, things we shared. And more than anything I need to move past the feeling of guilt that this is so hard on me. People like Kate understand because they've been through it, and honestly I respect Adam so much right now because as he was driving me home last night he looked at me and said "Bethany, I've never been in that kind of relationship before, so I honestly don't know what you're going through, but I know you're going to need to talk a lot in the next few days, and I want you to know that I'm here for you"
And that's just the thing. How many people our age have really been in that kind of relationship? I know people date, but 2 and a half years especially when you think about how much we went through and how close we got is a lot- and I'm turning a deaf ear to people who have never experienced this kind of heartbreak and the pressure i feel to just suck it up and move on.
I will move on eventually- but I just can't right now, I can't face it. So I'm shoving it aside and pretending its not real until I can face it. Maybe tomorrow, maybe a few days from now, maybe a few weeks from now.
Have a lot more to get out but I need to force myself to get up and deal with other issues while I'm in an emotionally stable condition.
I need my Brita right now... I lost one of the two people that were my support and my source of strength last night, and right now I just need a hug from the other one.
I miss you babe- so much. Don't move to France permanently, please