(no subject)
tonight i took a nice long walk.
it really made me think.
and im sure some of you know what kind of entry this is going to be already.
but there is something that ive thought a lot about lately and tonight i tried to convince myself otherwise.
but this is right.
today something happened that made me think back to my past. i thought about who i was then and who i am now. and i knew something was different, something was wrong. i didnt feel right. i tell people i just want to be able to be myself. and tonight i realized what is holding me back...
im not me...i dont know who me is. im fake.
i guess ive been trying to hide me for so long that it is who i am and there is nothing i can do about it. i think back to when this all started. it was right after 7th grade when we moved to franklin. 7th grade was a horrible year. and when i was going to go to that new school, i wanted it to be different. and that is the summer i realized all my flaws and pushed them back. i didnt try to hide them like most people do...i did more. i completely forgot about them and covered them up by making up a lie. and ever since then, the more flaws i find, the more lies i make up. and its to a point where my entire life is a lie and i cant differentiate truth from fiction anymore.
and im sure some people are starting to see it. but i dont know if they have and just arent saying anything...or if people can actually see it. i try so hard to be who everyone thinks i am. and sometimes i forget its all an act. and ive noticed that those are the people i start to pull away from. i act different around each different person and its so hard to be in a big group these days cause i have to be everything the everyone think i am. but i forget who is what person and who i am suppose to be with that person.
its to the point where the only person i want to hang out with anymore is ryan because he is the only person who doesnt see it and still wont see it after he reads this.
i tell people that it is a defense mechanism. i constantly say that no one understands me. but its all because i dont want people to understand me. its not a defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt, its my way of not letting people see me. its so much easier to get people to believe i am who i say i am by telling them i dont want to get close in fear of getting hurt.
i dont even want to try and talk about it anymore with anyone. i can never bring up the right subject. i feel all self-centered when i try to talk about me. and i had all this perfectly laid out of what i was all going to say and try to explain but of couse i forgot it all.
this is the big weight that has been on my shoulders for the past 3 years.
i try to stop. but ever minute that goes by im making up another lie. and i dont know if it is for attention or if its just me hiding what i cant explain.
tonight i thought about what happened if i died anytime soon. everyone would have a different idea about who i was. no one would really know the real sara. no matter what you say and how much you try and convince me...im not who you think i am.
but im trying. i really am. and i dont need help. this is something i only do by myself. so dont try to help. ill get there. one day ill be real. and ill be happy. and life will be real. i want have urges to do bad things.
ive decided on my new years resolution...now....
no more lies!
it really made me think.
and im sure some of you know what kind of entry this is going to be already.
but there is something that ive thought a lot about lately and tonight i tried to convince myself otherwise.
but this is right.
today something happened that made me think back to my past. i thought about who i was then and who i am now. and i knew something was different, something was wrong. i didnt feel right. i tell people i just want to be able to be myself. and tonight i realized what is holding me back...
im not me...i dont know who me is. im fake.
i guess ive been trying to hide me for so long that it is who i am and there is nothing i can do about it. i think back to when this all started. it was right after 7th grade when we moved to franklin. 7th grade was a horrible year. and when i was going to go to that new school, i wanted it to be different. and that is the summer i realized all my flaws and pushed them back. i didnt try to hide them like most people do...i did more. i completely forgot about them and covered them up by making up a lie. and ever since then, the more flaws i find, the more lies i make up. and its to a point where my entire life is a lie and i cant differentiate truth from fiction anymore.
and im sure some people are starting to see it. but i dont know if they have and just arent saying anything...or if people can actually see it. i try so hard to be who everyone thinks i am. and sometimes i forget its all an act. and ive noticed that those are the people i start to pull away from. i act different around each different person and its so hard to be in a big group these days cause i have to be everything the everyone think i am. but i forget who is what person and who i am suppose to be with that person.
its to the point where the only person i want to hang out with anymore is ryan because he is the only person who doesnt see it and still wont see it after he reads this.
i tell people that it is a defense mechanism. i constantly say that no one understands me. but its all because i dont want people to understand me. its not a defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt, its my way of not letting people see me. its so much easier to get people to believe i am who i say i am by telling them i dont want to get close in fear of getting hurt.
i dont even want to try and talk about it anymore with anyone. i can never bring up the right subject. i feel all self-centered when i try to talk about me. and i had all this perfectly laid out of what i was all going to say and try to explain but of couse i forgot it all.
this is the big weight that has been on my shoulders for the past 3 years.
i try to stop. but ever minute that goes by im making up another lie. and i dont know if it is for attention or if its just me hiding what i cant explain.
tonight i thought about what happened if i died anytime soon. everyone would have a different idea about who i was. no one would really know the real sara. no matter what you say and how much you try and convince me...im not who you think i am.
but im trying. i really am. and i dont need help. this is something i only do by myself. so dont try to help. ill get there. one day ill be real. and ill be happy. and life will be real. i want have urges to do bad things.
ive decided on my new years resolution...now....
no more lies!