the men in my life, pt 2
why is everything always weird
First, you. I just want to scream at you: "what do you want from me?" what even is this? Are we friends, do you like me, do you even find me attractive? why do you incessantly talk/flirt with other women in front of me but then seem different when we're alone? Why do you always put me down? It's not just a game to me. I don't like it. Stop. I'm not a sure thing. Nothing's happened since january. I need to stop getting my hopes up and thinking we will ever be a thing or together again. you are nothing but a disappointment to me, and I swear if I see you hit on my friends one more time. No I'm not going to be overly affectionate with you because it's what you want, you want assurance that I'm the sure thing, the one that is soooo in love with you. Why cant you be cool and casual, why are you just such a boy?
And then you: you ask why we never see each other, but you don't talk to me in three months. Do you really like me, or do you just want to sleep with me? Is this all real, that you've always liked me? This only seems to come out when you're drunk, curious. As soon as you're sober, we don't talk. So how can I believe it's genuine? How should I reply to you? You say you're hurt cause I turned you down. What if I did go home with you? What would happen the next day? What is this, really?
And then. Then there's you. The one who is leaving in five weeks. For good. Out of my life. I'm sorry I'm bad at being your friend, I'm sorry I invited you to that party and that it got weird and it seemed like I chose someone else over you. I wish I could talk to you for real, to hear how it really is between us. More texts, more pictures. I want to know. And I want you to know how I really feel, really. I don't think you get it. It's more, more than you know. I'm happy around you, I'm bummed when you leave early. I'm bummed when I don't try harder, when I drink too much around you, when you get the wrong impression of me. I want to be the best version of myself around you, I want to talk with you always and joke and have a real adult relationship. It would be so good for me. But it will never, ever happen, and there's that weird part of me that was holding on for summer, thinking it could be something, and I can't get over that it won't now. You're really leaving. And I need to tell you how much I really care about you before you go.
First, you. I just want to scream at you: "what do you want from me?" what even is this? Are we friends, do you like me, do you even find me attractive? why do you incessantly talk/flirt with other women in front of me but then seem different when we're alone? Why do you always put me down? It's not just a game to me. I don't like it. Stop. I'm not a sure thing. Nothing's happened since january. I need to stop getting my hopes up and thinking we will ever be a thing or together again. you are nothing but a disappointment to me, and I swear if I see you hit on my friends one more time. No I'm not going to be overly affectionate with you because it's what you want, you want assurance that I'm the sure thing, the one that is soooo in love with you. Why cant you be cool and casual, why are you just such a boy?
And then you: you ask why we never see each other, but you don't talk to me in three months. Do you really like me, or do you just want to sleep with me? Is this all real, that you've always liked me? This only seems to come out when you're drunk, curious. As soon as you're sober, we don't talk. So how can I believe it's genuine? How should I reply to you? You say you're hurt cause I turned you down. What if I did go home with you? What would happen the next day? What is this, really?
And then. Then there's you. The one who is leaving in five weeks. For good. Out of my life. I'm sorry I'm bad at being your friend, I'm sorry I invited you to that party and that it got weird and it seemed like I chose someone else over you. I wish I could talk to you for real, to hear how it really is between us. More texts, more pictures. I want to know. And I want you to know how I really feel, really. I don't think you get it. It's more, more than you know. I'm happy around you, I'm bummed when you leave early. I'm bummed when I don't try harder, when I drink too much around you, when you get the wrong impression of me. I want to be the best version of myself around you, I want to talk with you always and joke and have a real adult relationship. It would be so good for me. But it will never, ever happen, and there's that weird part of me that was holding on for summer, thinking it could be something, and I can't get over that it won't now. You're really leaving. And I need to tell you how much I really care about you before you go.