Déjà Vu

[betelin_notecor]

Title: Déjà Vu
Main pairing: Severus/Harry
Word count: ~10,000
Genre: angst, romance
Warnings: none
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K.R. and related entities. I made no money on this fic.
Notes: This fic was prompted by scifiroots who "bought" it through the livelongnmarry auction. Thank you for buying it, and I apologize that it took so long to write it! Thank yous also go to snarky_scorp for a super awesome beta. =D

Summary: "They told him he was Severus Snape, but they didn’t explain what that meant"..."Harry shed the most light on Snape by telling Severus not only about the Snape who killed but the Snape who loved and lived and regretted the things he had done"..."Severus stood in front of the mirror, brushing his hair over and over, wondering if the man in the mirror would ever be him again."

Déjà Vu

“Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time.” -Stephen Wright

~*~

Looking into the mirror to brush his hair was supposed to be something familiar and calming. It was something Severus did everyday and had done since he was little. It was basically second nature. He knew this instinctively, and yet, staring into the mirror and brushing his hair, he didn't know who the person reflected in the glass was.

It was his reflection, but he did not recognize the man. The long greasy hair was his, but he felt no connection to it. The dark eyes, a brown that was almost black, looked back at him with a harshness he didn't like. The sallow face with its large nose was repulsive, and he wished it wasn't his.

Three days of staring at himself, and he still didn't understand who he was. He could rattle off spells with ease, mix potions in his sleep, and recite the names of the heroes of all the Goblin Wars, but he still couldn't connect himself with that face.

They told him he was Severus Snape, but they didn’t explain what that meant. Something had happened to him, they said, during the battle in which Voldemort was killed. (Severus knew who Voldemort was, though he couldn't remember having ever met the man. Anything connected with his own life had disappeared from his mind, leaving a collection of knowledge, but no memories to tell him where the knowledge had come from.) One of them, Ms. Granger, said it was an old spell and that they had yet to figure out what had triggered it.

He had received a large number of visitors over the past few days. People streamed past outside of the curtains around his bed in the Hospital Wing. Some of them stuck their heads in to ogle him and others walked right up to his bed with their wands out, ready to hex him. The latter were the ones who told him the truth of his life. He had been a Death Eater, one of Voldemort's most trusted followers. He had killed Dumbledore, the leader of the light. He had been evil.

Severus understood logically why they felt the need to hate him, but he didn't understand why they thought he would care. He was no longer Snape. He had been told that the man was snarky, grumpy, and sarcastic and that he would sooner bite off your head than talk to you. Severus still felt snarky and grumpy, but he didn't feel like a man that could kill his mentor in cold blood. He longed for someone to talk to who wouldn't think of him as Snape, but would consider him as Severus.

The closest he had come to this person was Harry Potter. The boy had visited him two days ago, when he had first awakened and discovered that he had lost his memories.

“Sir? Professor Snape?” he had asked as he stuck his head into the Severus’s curtained-off room. “Can I... can I talk to you, sir?”

Severus nodded from the bed, and the boy entered. “Who are you?” Snape asked.

The boy gaped at him. “I… Harry Potter.” His voice rose just a bit. “You know who I am.”

Severus glared at him. “Obviously not, or I wouldn’t have had to ask who you were, would I?”

Harry opened and closed his mouth a few times. “Why don’t you remember me?”

Severus clenched his hands in his blankets and tried to resist the urge to throttle the boy. “I don’t know.” He saw Harry open his mouth to ask another question, but he cut Harry off, not wanting to listen to more inanity. “I woke up today, from what I was told was a coma, with no memories of my life. I didn’t know my name, age, or place of birth. All I have left is pure knowledge of events, potions, and spells.”

“Then... I know more about you than you do.” Harry cocked his head to the side, looking a bit disappointed.

Severus inclined his head in a slight nod. “You do.”

Harry looked down at the floor, scuffling his feet, and then back up at Severus. “I don’t know what all you have been told. Would you like me to tell you everything I know?”

Feeling a flash of surprise at Harry’s words, Severus agreed. He had been told very little of his past, and he wished to remedy that.

Harry told Severus about Snape, and the kind of man he was. Harry shed the most light on Snape by telling Severus not only about the Snape who killed but the Snape who loved and lived and regretted the things he had done.

Harry had seemed saddened by the fact that Severus had lost all of his memories. From the things he had said during that visit, Severus understood that, during the six weeks that he lay in a coma in the Hospital Wing, Harry had come to think of Snape as a hero. But Harry was the only one who seemed to have held that opinion of Snape. Those who came to ogle Severus feared Snape, and he disgusted the people who threatened to hex him. Even the nurse and her helpers seemed to be of the opinion that Snape had been a despicable person.

Severus stood in front of the mirror, brushing his hair over and over, wondering if the man in the mirror would ever be him again.

~*~

Harry didn't know what to make of Snape anymore. What to make of... Severus. When he went to visit the man, he had hopes of learning more about what had happened in the final battle. Instead of the bitter man he remembered, Harry found an empty shell who knew less about Harry's mother than Harry himself did.

It was disappointing, but at the same time, Harry was grateful for it. He had seen many of Severus’s memories after his "death", memories that Dumbledore had left for him, and he knew the kind of life that Snape had lived. When he told Severus about his past life, Severus had seemed depressed, as if he regretted having lived as he had. Harry thought maybe Severus wanted to move on and become more than he ever could have been as Snape.

It had been a surprise when Severus had requested that Harry call him by his first name. It shocked Harry actually, but he thought he understood why. Severus no longer wanted to be connected to Snape, to the man he used to be. He must have thought that he had a second chance at life and that he was ready to take it. When Harry asked him if that was why he wanted to be called Severus, the man had looked at him blankly.

"I want to be called Severus," he said, "because it is my name. I don't remember being Snape, so why should I care about having a second chance at his life? As far as I am concerned, this is my life."

Harry said, “But, Professor-”

Severus glared at him. “I am not your Professor. Please, address me by the name I wish to use.”

“I...” Harry’s voice trailed off. He was floundering to find solid ground. He had never imagined being asked to address Severus by name. “I will... Severus.”

Severus had given him the tiniest smile, which had been another shock to Harry’s system, and then they began discussing other topics.

The man had been foul-tempered, but he had not reacted rudely to anything Harry said. Severus' wit was sharp-his mind, sharper-but he did not have the anger towards the world that Harry had once seen in him. In Severus, Harry saw the man that Snape would have been if his life had not been a series of disappointments.

Hermione and Madame Pomfrey were working on a cure for his amnesia, but Harry wasn't sure Severus wanted a cure. Severus didn't seem to understand who he had been before and why he had been that way.

Harry had only visited once. Severus confused him. Harry wanted to get to know the real Snape-he wasn't ready to get to know Severus.

~*~

"We want you to come back as our potions professor," said Minerva. Her lips were thin, her forehead wrinkled. Her foot tapped the floor impatiently, and Severus looked at her over his shoulder in the mirror. He paused in his hair brushing.

"How can I teach? I don't know anything."

"You know enough. Pomfrey tells me she's had you brewing potions for her since you woke up. You still have all of your potions knowledge; everything else will return in time." She seemed to take Severus's acquiescence for granted. "Classes start in seven weeks. You can move back into your chambers in the dungeon, and I know you kept all of your old lesson plans, so it shouldn't be too hard to get back into teaching."

Severus stared at her and then at the face in the mirror. She expected him to do Snape's job, live in Snape's room, and act like Snape would. He wasn't Snape though-he was Severus, and he was going to live his life as he wished to.

"I'm sorry. I can't go back to teaching." He turned away from the mirror, looking straight into her eyes. "I know that I never liked teaching before, and I don't think I would like teaching now."

Minerva frowned and looked away from his steady gaze. "I didn't want to have to tell you this, Severus, but I'm afraid that you might not be able to find a job elsewhere. I know you don't remember what you did, but others hold a prejudice against you because of this."

"It's a chance I'm willing to take. Pomfrey declared me almost ready to leave the Hospital Wing." Severus set aside his hair brush. "I'm going to begin applying for jobs now." He paused, considering his offer, and then continued. "If I cannot find one before term starts and you still do not have a potions professor... I will take the position." He wasn't stupid, after all. He had his pride, but he also had a stomach, and said stomach would be quite upset if he went broke and starved to death.

Minerva sighed. "I hope you find something, Severus. You're as much a war hero as any of these young ones are. You deserve accolades and not the blame that has been heaped on your head."

Severus might not have deserved the blame, but Snape did. He had killed a man-for the greater good, of course, but he had still killed him. Severus didn't remember any of this. He knew others hadn't forgotten though. He blew her off with a "Thank you, Minerva" even as his mind was churning. His trial was coming up soon. They'd saved him for last, going after the other known Death Eaters first. If he got through this unscathed, he would probably be able to find a position somewhere. If it went badly... well, he wouldn't think about that.

~*~

Harry squirmed in his seat, and Ginny reached over and pinched his leg. He jumped.

"Sit still!" she hissed.

Harry frowned. He was tired of her ordering him around. He'd defeated Voldemort (through coincidence, mostly, but he'd still done it!) and battled Death Eaters. He'd enjoyed the freedom he had recently, and he wasn't ready to relinquish it, nor the self confidence he had gained. "My arse hurts. I have to move, or it will fall asleep."

She grimaced and he knew he'd done something wrong again. Sure enough, she began to scold him. "You're the hero of the wizarding world, Harry! You can't go around saying such vulgar things."

I'm a man, he wanted to retort, not a god. Still, he held his tongue and she sat back in her chair with a satisfied smile on her face. Harry wished he could hex it off. Why couldn't she deal with the fact that he was a normal human being just like her? She seemed to expect perfection out of him all of the time. He wasn't perfect though-just lucky-and lately, his luck had been going downhill.

For one thing, he had yet to get Snape off his mind. Even as Harry sat through all of the trials, listening to testimonies from every disgruntled wizard and witch who wanted to accuse their friends or neighbours of being Death Eaters, he couldn't keep his mind off Snape, nor Severus.

They had become two separate people for Harry. There was the man who was tortured by the Marauders and the man who was tortured by a past he could not remember. The first man had become bitter; Harry hoped the second one would fare better. It didn't seem likely though, at least not judging by the murmurs that swept through the crowd when the next trial to be announced was Severus Snape's.

They brought Severus in under Auror guard, his hands bound behind him and his wand held in the hand of a trailing Auror. He seemed no different from who he had been before, but Harry saw him glance around the room. Severus' gaze hovered on no one. It was obvious that he didn’t recognize anyone in the courtroom.

Then Severus turned his head in Harry's direction and their gazes met. Something flickered in Severus' eyes. It might have been simple recognition, but whatever it was, it made Harry shudder. The feeling was not altogether unpleasant. Harry wasn’t sure why, but the dark depths of Severus’s eyes captivated him.

Ginny pinched him again, and he broke eye contact with Severus to snarl at her. She rolled her eyes at him, and he knew, then, that he was over her. Harry was tired of the nitpicking and the arguing and the scolding. He wasn't an errant child, and he wasn't going to be treated like one. If Ginny couldn't understand that, then they were through. Even Severus had spoken to Harry like an adult when they met in the Hospital Wing.

As his thoughts returned to Severus, so did Harry's eyes. He was disappointed to find that Severus had already looked away. The Auror led Severus to a chair in the centre of the room, just as they had for Harry years before. The magical chains in the chair snapped into place around his wrists and ankles. Severus looked at them as if exasperated and infuriated all at once. Harry could understand Severus' feelings; he hadn't done anything wrong that he could remember, and yet, they'd called him to stand before the Wizengamot as if he were any common criminal.

But Severus wasn't a common criminal. Harry knew from his connections among the Aurors that the only major crime they'd been able to pin on Severus was Dumbledore's death. It wasn't illegal, per se, to ally oneself with a Dark Lord. Severus had done nothing else in Voldemort's service except spy and craft potions, and neither crime left enough evidence to trace it back to him, even though everyone in the courtroom knew what Severus had done.

If the evidence that Harry had provided was enough to convince the Wizengamot that Snape had not killed Dumbledore on his own accord, then Severus would be free. Harry had provided two memories-one of the night Dumbledore died and one of the night Snape promised to kill him. The first had been Harry's own memory, the second had been one of Snape’s many memories that Dumbledore had given him, though Harry didn’t know why Dumbledore had such memories in the first place.

Harry knew he should have returned the memories to Severus, but he had held on to them anyway. He'd blown off his guilt by telling himself that the memories, mostly sad, would probably depress Severus and that there were really only a few. It wasn't as if he held Severus's whole life in a Pensieve somewhere.

Now Harry hoped that the memories would save Severus from whatever fate he faced.

~*~

When Severus sat down in the chair in the middle of the courtroom, he never expected his appointed representative to be able to offer evidence that would absolve him of his crime. He had also never expected to regain part of his memories as he sat and watched himself promise Dumbledore that he would kill him. Severus never expected to watch himself kill someone.

It had been him that killed Dumbledore, not Snape. He could see the memory now, could feel the wand shiver in his hand as he cast one of the darkest spells known to wizardkind. He meshed his current mind with the Snape of that moment. He had yet to reconcile himself to the whole man, but he remembered how Snape had felt as he killed the one man he had always looked up to.

The pain dried up his throat and tightened his muscles. If he were a more open man, he would have broken into sobs at the flood of emotions that enveloped him.

Instead, he held himself erect, refusing to slump over and clutch at the pain in his chest. When the public viewing of the memories was complete, the Chief Warlock, a grave, wizened old man, turned to him and seemed surprised to see him sitting just as had been before the memories had begun playing.

"Do you not feel any remorse for what you did?" he asked Severus.

Severus played to what the Chief Warlock knew of him. "I cannot feel remorse for something I don't remember doing. I lost all of my memories while I lay in a coma, recuperating from injuries I sustained in the final battle. I hate that I so obviously used to be a man who could do such things, but seeing these memories is like seeing someone else's life. I cannot connect them to myself." Even as he lied, Severus spoke the truth. He did not feel remorse for what he had done.

Severus's representative, a tall, thin man with extremely broad shoulders, stepped forward. "Chief Warlock, the fact that this man is suffering from amnesia has been well proven. I have provided copies of multiple well-respected war heroes’ written testimonies that he has lost his memories, as well as testimonies from medical experts. Among the testimonies is one from Harry Potter himself."

The members of the Wizengamot began to shuffle through all of their papers. Severus used their distraction to look over his shoulder toward where Harry was sitting. When Severus had first been told his trial would be held in one of the public courtrooms, he had been upset, afraid that the audience would heap accusations upon him. He appreciated it now. The small smile on Harry's lips made him feel better than all of the evidence his representative could procure.

"As you can all see, he is no long in possession of any of his memories." The representative again pressed forward on that detail, which was now a lie. Severus had one memory, the memory of the crime itself. "According to precedent, set in 1853 when Geoffrey Longbottom raped a woman and was then bashed in the head by her husband and lost most of his memories, if a criminal does not remember committing a crime, they cannot be punished for it. Setting aside that case, another precedent pertaining to this case was set in 1952 when an old woman developed cancer and broke her hip as she weakened. She begged her husband to kill her because she could no longer stand the pain, and the Wizengamot ruled that if someone of sound mind is about to die and asks someone close to them to kill them, the killer is not guilty of murder."

The man focused his gaze on a few members of the Wizengamot. "I am sure that some of you remember that case, and I know that some of you took part in making that decision. Could you anymore blame Mr. Snape for killing his dying mentor when begged to than you blamed that man for killing his sick wife?"

Conversations broke out in the courtroom amongst the audience. Severus watched the members of the Wizengamot debate amongst each other. He saw a lot of nodding, which he hoped was a good sign. At last, the Chief Warlock tapped his wand against the wooden table in front of him and a loud knock rang out. The Wizengamot came to silence at once, though the audience took a moment to settle.

"I have heard the opinions of the other members of the Wizengamot, and I agree with many of them. We cannot be certain of whether Albus Dumbledore was of sound mind when he asked Mr. Snape to kill him, and we cannot be certain that Mr. Snape was motivated only by his mentor's plea for death. We shall follow precedent in our ruling though-"shocked whispers swept through the courtroom "-but only in that we shall not send Severus Snape to Azkaban for a crime he cannot remember."

Snape let out a sigh. The rest of the courtroom began to scream in outrage. The perceived escape of a Death Eater enraged them.

"However." The Chief Warlock's word captured everyone's attention again. "If Severus Snape does regain his memories, he shall be sent to Azkaban under a life sentence. I am aware that many amnesiacs later regain their memories, and so, I order Mr. Snape to take a position in the Ministry, whatever position they believe to be best suited for him, so that we may keep an eye on him in case his memories do return." He tapped his wand against the table, sending a sharp rap echoing throughout the room. "So it has been ordered, so it shall be done."

The Chief Warlock's final words wrapped themselves around Severus more tightly than any spell could. He had gained a boon, having been practically given a job, but he had lost so much more. No one could learn that he had regained his memory of killing Dumbledore. He had thought that with the loss of his memories he would be able to live a more open life than Snape had, but the strings of fate had tugged Severus into a position as secretive as any of the ones Snape had been in.

~*~

Harry stepped into the classroom with trepidation. He had just gone to retrieve the memories he had supplied for Severus's trial, and the vials rattled together in his pocket. It had been obvious that the memory of Dumbledore's death had come straight from Harry's own mind, but the memory of Snape's promise to Dumbledore, that Snape would kill him when the time came, had not been attributed to any one person. Most people seemed to believe that Harry had spied on the meeting and that the memory was his own, even though he did not appear in it. Harry let them believe as they wished. He didn't dare let them get wind of the fact that he held some of Snape's memories.

But Harry wasn't sure what to do with the memories. As he sat down, dropping his book bag on the floor at his side, he wondered whether Severus would even want the memories back if it meant being sent to Azkaban.

Rifling through his bag, Harry pulled out the Defence Against the Dark Arts text that the Ministry had assigned. It was just as dry as the one Umbridge had used at Hogwarts, and three times less informative. He hoped the teacher would be a little more enlightened than Umbridge had been. He rubbed his fingers along the scars on his hand and then shook himself, pulling his thoughts in a less gloomy direction.

The Ministry was sponsoring adult education classes for all of the students who had been in Harry's year. Their seventh year had been so disrupted and all of the teachers so bad at or distracted from teaching that everyone was being offered a second chance at completing their schooling. The classes were to cover everything they needed to know for N.E.W.T.s. Harry doubted he would learn anything in the classes, especially not Defence, but the N.E.W.T.s were only being made available to the students who completed the extra year. So, he was stuck in a class that would probably bore him to bits.

At least, that's what he thought, until Severus strode into the room, his black robes flowing behind him just as they had at Hogwarts. Harry was struck with a sense of déjà vu as he sneered at the students surrounding him. When his gaze came to rest on Harry though, the sneer fell away.

"Mr. Potter," Severus said silkily as he stalked closer to Harry's desk. "What would you use to chase away Dementors?"

Was he trying to give Harry an easy question? "The spell Expecto Patronum, to create a Patronus."

"And to defeat a Boggart?"

"Riddikulus."

"How would you go about uncovering someone who was parading as an Animagus?"

"You would use a Revealing Spell, to see if the animal you suspected was really a wizard." Harry heard whispers behind him and knew they were all thinking the same things he was. Why was Severus asking such questions? When he had preformed a similar routine in Harry's first year, the questions had been far more difficult than he should have been able to answer.

Severus gave a small smirk and turned to the rest of the class. "How many of you knew how to get rid of Dementors?" Harry watched about half the hands in the classroom raise. Most of them belonged to former DA members. "And how many of you can cast that spell?" Hands fell until only a quarter of the class was answering in the affirmative, all of them DA members.

"What about Riddikulus? How many of you can cast it?" Most of the hands went up. "Good. I'd hate to have to teach you what you should have learned years ago." The faces of those whose hands weren't raised turned red. Harry wanted to laugh. Severus was just as good at embarrassment as Snape had been.

Then Severus raised an eyebrow and looked at the class. "And how many of you knew how to reveal an undercover Animagus?" Six hands went up. Three of them belonged to Harry, Ron, and Hermione. "And how many of you feel you can cast that spell?" Four hands fell, leaving only Harry and Hermione with their hands up.

"When all of you have reached the level that Mr. Potter and Ms. Granger have reached, you will pass your N.E.W.T. with flying colours. Until then, we shall begin with something a little simpler. As for the two of you... do not think that you can rest on your laurels. I will prepare a series of advanced lessons for those who have already covered the material we will be working on that day. If you are in my classroom, you will be learning." He moved as though to turn to the board, but he paused. "And those books you bought? Return them to the store or sell them for scrap paper. I've seen better books in garbage heaps."

Harry grinned. He had actually managed to do something right for once. Severus had seemed just the tiniest bit impressed with him. The class wouldn't be a waste either. Severus still had all of Snape's knowledge of Defence and he would challenge Harry as, perhaps, no one else could. Harry shoved his book back into his bag and pulled out a scroll of parchment to take notes. He really liked Severus.

The vials clinked in his pocket as he leaned forward to ink his quill. He frowned. He'd forgotten all about the memories. It seemed obvious to him now that he couldn't return them now. Severus would lose his job at the Ministry and be sent to Azkaban.

Not only that, but Severus would turn back into Snape. Harry deeply admired Severus, but he wasn't sure if he could deal with Snape.

~*~

Severus looked around his classroom with satisfaction. In the six weeks since these students had begun their "eighth year", they'd all improved tremendously. He frowned. Except for Harry, that was. Severus had yet to teach the class something that Harry hadn't mastered already or learned within a matter of minutes. The boy was a wonder with any matter of defensive spells, and he wasn't too shabby at offensive spells either.

Severus was at a loss; he didn't know what to do. Of the forty students that had attended Hogwarts in Harry's year, only nineteen had chosen to continue their Defence Against the Dark Arts education in the "eighth year". Out of those nineteen, only Harry didn't seem to be getting anything out of the class. Severus was determined to change that.

The class was working on Expecto Patronum and advanced shielding spells. Those who mastered their Patronus moved on to the shielding spell. So far, only one student had mastered the shielding spell: Harry. He was walking among his classmates now, offering them pointers and accepting their praise with an unassuming smile. The boy didn't seem to realise how talented he was, and every compliment surprised him.

Harry proved his skills in most of the traditional fields of Defence. Severus couldn't think of anything he could teach the boy. Except… maybe Occlumency and Legilimency. Severus knew how to do it, but he hadn't tested his skills. He thought that knowing and doing might be two different things. Nevertheless, he was ready to see how he would fare if put to the test. Harry Potter would be a good guinea pig.

"Mr. Potter," he barked, startling the students nearest him. Harry looked up and nodded, but he finished his explanation to a fellow student before he began walking toward Severus.

"Yes, sir?" he asked.

Severus beckoned him closer, so that their words would not be overheard. "You aren't being challenged in my class."

Harry nodded his head, even though Severus hadn't been asking a question.

"I would like to put you to work on a different task from your classmates, if you are amenable to that." He paused and considered what he had said. "You will still be required to learn the things they are learning, but when the tasks are too easy for you, as they were today, you will move on to your personal studies."

Harry leaned forward, as if captivated by Severus’s words. "What can I learn that everyone else won't be learning?"

"Occlumency-" odd how Harry's eyes widened anxiously at that one word "-and Legilimency."

Shaking his head, Harry took a step backwards and away from Severus. "I don't think that's a good idea."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"I tried learning once. You... you were my teacher. I couldn't master it." Harry glanced at a far wall and rubbed one of his hands along the back of the other. "I saw one of your memories, and we ended the lessons afterward."

Severus didn't know what to make of the sudden nervousness Harry was displaying. He yearned for a moment for his memories, but then frowned at himself. He probably would not want to regain those memories. The one memory that he did have was painful enough. It haunted him, invading his dreams at night and his thoughts during the day.

"I cannot remember that, and so I cannot let our past-" another eye widening, but this time there was an audible gulp to accompany it "-determine the future. We will begin this course of study for you next Tuesday."

Harry blanched. "But, sir, I really don’t think it is a good idea!"

What frightened him about working on Occlumency? Severus's curiosity refused to let the topic go. "You shall begin on Tuesday. I'll bring a book for you to begin studying the theory from and provide a list of supplemental books for you. When you have completed your readings, we will discuss the theory until I am certain you understand."

Harry let out his breath in a great sigh. "You mean we aren't going to do any actual practice?"

"No." Severus paused, waiting for Harry's reaction. It came in the form of a smile. "Not yet." The smile fell, and Severus wondered if it should really feel so awful to have crushed the boy's hope. Severus was sure he had never felt remorse for such a trivial thing before.

Harry nodded and turned away as the class began to gather their things to leave.

"Next Tuesday," Severus reminded him, and Harry's shoulders slumped a bit.

~*~

Harry was surprised to discover that Occlumency wasn't as difficult as it had once seemed. At least, the theory was easy. It seemed like he had been reading theory for weeks, and Severus had yet to have Harry move on to practice or even studying the theory of Legilimency. Not that Harry was complaining; he wasn’t looking forward to moving on at all.

Severus seemed to be looking forward to it though. He’d often peer over Harry’s shoulder during class to see what he was reading, and Severus asked him questions as everyone else filed out of the room.

"What is the best way to clear your mind for Occlumency?" Severus asked one day while Harry was packing up his books.

"Meditation."

Severus nodded once, then frowned. "If you are trying to do Occlumency for the first time, what steps can you take to centre yourself?"

Harry paused and looked up at Severus. "Um... ritual bathing?"

Severus quirked an eyebrow at Harry and waited for more.

"Meditation... drinking a calming potion or performing a calming charm... and making sure you are physically and mentally comfortable?" Harry's voice rose at the end as he guessed, but Severus's nod made it clear that he had gotten the question right.

"And what can weaken one’s Occlumency focus?"

Harry smiled. He knew this one. "Pain, discomfort, anxiety, worries, depression, stress, uncomfortable surroundings, exposure to certain potions ingredients--"

Severus cut him off. "Excellent. I'm very pleased with how well you've done."

Harry's smile grew wider. He didn't think he'd ever heard Severus say something so positive about him. "Thank you, sir."

Severus nodded. "You're welcome. And we'll begin doing some practical exercises on Monday. Be prepared."

Shocked, Harry protested, "But, Severus, I'm not ready--"

"You are ready." Severus smirked at him. "And it's Professor Snape in the classroom." Severus's voice fell. "Outside of it... you may call me whatever you wish."

Harry shivered, his spine tingling at the dark voice. It was so very, very wrong to find that voice attractive. "Yes, sir."

Severus's heavy lidded gaze sent more shudders down his back, and Harry turned away to focus on his books. He could hear Severus's amusement as he said, "I'll see you tomorrow, Mr. Potter."

Harry nodded and fled without looking back at Severus. He could feel the man's eyes on him and wondered when he had become so attuned to Severus that he knew what the man was doing even when he couldn't see him.

Occlumency lessons were not going to be fun.

And they weren’t. They were boring as heck.

“Can I move on now?” Harry whined after two weeks.

Severus glanced at him from across the classroom. “Centre yourself, Mr. Potter.”

Harry never thought he’d say this but... “Don’t you want to see what I’m thinking about?”

Severus smirked and Harry blushed. The professor abandoned the student he was working with to come up next to Harry and whisper in his ear, “I do believe I know what you are thinking about, Harry.” Severus pulled away and said, loudly enough for everyone to hear, “Practice your centreing... and I’ll speak with you after class.”

Hermione sighed and Ron jumped out of his seat.

Ron protested, “Professor Snape, you can’t hold him after class! We’ve got to go pick up Ginny from King’s Cross today.”

Severus’s scowl was sudden and severe. “Mr. Potter can see his girlfriend some other time. He’ll have the whole break to do so, in fact. I think he can spare me a few minutes to discuss his assignments.”

Harry wanted to bury his face into his hands. “Shut up, Ron,” he said quietly.

Ron glanced between the two of them and then flopped back into his seat and crossed his arms. Hermione watched in silence, but she sent Harry a sharp look that let him know there would be a conversation later.

Severus glared around the room, focusing on those who were staring with wide eyes. “Return to your work.” His gaze landed on Harry. “All of you.”

Harry closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out again, as all the books said to do to relax. Cracking open one eye, he caught Severus’s gaze and slammed his eyelid down again. Harry's heart thumped in his chest, and he could feel his blush returning full strength. He’d never been one for blushing before, nor for heart thumping. In the last couple of months, he’d started blushing all over the place.

It was all Severus’s fault. The man unsettled him. The feelings that surfaced around Severus were nothing like the monster he’d felt in his chest around Ginny. They were subtler, more insidious. They twined their way around Harry's heart and lungs, squeezing them when Severus disapproved of his actions and making them expand at Severus’s amusement.

Even more so, the feelings were nothing like how Harry had felt towards Snape. Harry remembered dislike and even, at times, hatred. And yet... even then, Harry had been a bit fascinated with the dark man who stalked around the castle.

Harry took another deep breath and let it out. He pushed all of his thoughts aside, to the back of his mind, and focused on his breathing. In, out. In, out. In, out.

At first, little thoughts would flutter through his mind, half formed. Is Severus coming here... did Ron manage the spell just now... why does Severus want to talk to me... I shouldn't be thinking! Breathe... breathe... that was Hermione talking... Eventually, he managed to fall deep into a meditative state.

Harry was roused from his meditations by Severus laying a hand on his shoulder. Harry looked up at the man and lost himself in his dark eyes.

"Are you all right, Harry? I've been calling your name for almost a minute now." Severus blinked, his surprisingly long eyelashes fluttering down to touch his cheeks and then rising again. Frowning, Severus stepped back. "I'm sorry I asked you to stay after. I know you must have been looking forward to seeing your girlfriend."

Harry grimaced. "Not really. She's not my girlfriend anymore." Harry shook his head, clearing it of the fog he felt from being yanked from his meditation. "It's awkward to be around an ex."

Severus looked a bit shocked, but he chuckled. "I can imagine."

Imagine? "You don't have any exes, sir?" Surely the man had dated someone at some point.

Severus shook his head. "I don't know if I do or don't. I have no memories of my past, remember."

Now he did. Harry lowered his head, feeling a bit stupid.

"I haven't exactly had time to date since I awoke either," Severus continued. "Though I'd like to."

Harry's head snapped up. "You? Date? Who?"

Severus looked away, staring out the single window of the room which looked out onto the dirty street. The Ministry hadn't been very generous in their choice of rooms for the eighth year students. "Yes, I'd like to date." It was late in the day, and the light from the setting sun streamed in the window, blinding Harry. Harry thought he might have seen a bit of a droop in Severus's face though, before he turned completely into the sun. "I doubt he'd be interested though, so you needn't worry about who he is."

"He?" Harry squeaked.

Severus looked back at Harry, his face still unreadable though now visible. "Yes, he. I am attracted to men and women."

"I... but. I don't understand. I thought..."

Severus shrugged his shoulders lightly. "I am a complicated man, Harry. You would do well to remember that."

Harry nodded dumbly, and Severus's face shuttered a bit. Before Harry’s eyes, he’d gone from friendly Severus to guarded Professor Snape. Harry liked how open Severus was with him. They had a tenuous friendship, he thought. He hated when Severus turned into a man so like Snape had been.

"We will begin practical lessons next class, after the holidays. Be prepared to stay after class for your lesson. I can't properly devote my time to your Occlumency practice and the rest of the class. You'll spend the class itself centreing yourself." Severus turned sharply and moved to his desk, where he began tidying up his notes.

Harry felt like something had gone wrong. They had been so close, and Severus had been so open, and then it had just... stopped. "I think I managed to meditate properly today."

"That's a step in the right direction. Continue meditating over the holidays." Severus tapped his papers with his wand and they shrunk. Shoving them in his pocket, Snape said, "Have a good break, Harry."

Harry watched Snape walk out, leaving him alone in the classroom. "You too, Severus."

~*~

Severus spent the holidays productively and enjoyably. Instead of spending his time with the few people who invited him to their celebrations, people who Severus still couldn’t remember, he chose to spend the break brewing experimental potions, working on new spells, and learning all he could about his past life.

It was dangerous, he knew, but he couldn’t stop himself. He had yet to recover a new memory, but sometimes he got flashes of feelings connected to people or places he had known before. He wanted to regain his memories. If only he wouldn’t be risking prison by regaining them...

The holidays passed quickly though, and soon Severus returned to the hum drum life he had built for himself. Three days a week he taught Defence to Harry and his peers, and the other two days he spent helping in the Ministry brewing rooms. The Ministry kept close tabs on him, requiring him to detail all of his class lessons and the potions that he brewed for them. They still had not discovered that he was tutoring Harry in Occlumency, and he was determined to keep it that way. Aside from that one secret, Severus led his life as openly as possible. The security around him had begun to slack off, and now, he finally had enough freedom to teach Harry about Occlumency.

Severus watched Harry drag himself into the classroom on the first day back, shoulders slumped and head hung low. When he caught Severus’s eye, Harry flushed lightly and looked away. The red tint in Harry's cheeks was really quite becoming, Severus thought.

Severus shook off that thought. He was still the boy’s professor, even if they were no longer in a true school and Harry was legally an adult. Harry had no interest in Severus, and Severus would do well to remember that. No matter how entrancing the boy’s deep green eyes were or how attractive his skills with a wand were, he would never feel anything for Severus. They were of different ages, different lives. For Merlin’s sake, Severus still called him “boy”!

Severus pushed aside his musings and stood, directing the class to begin practicing a list of spells they had learned before the break. He wanted to be certain all of them had retained their knowledge before moving on to the harder part of the curriculum.

Severus directed Harry to take a seat in the back corner of the room, where it was quiet, and practice meditating.

“Yes, sir,” Harry replied with a small, almost shy, smile.

Severus wanted to return a smile of his own, but he busied himself with retrieving a potion from his desk instead. He walked back to Harry’s seat and thrust it towards the boy. “Drink this.”

Harry took the potion and downed it in one swallow.

Severus wanted to smack him. “You should know better than to ever drink a potion without testing it by sight or smell first-or at least asking what it’s supposed to be.”

Harry’s flush deepened with embarrassment, but he didn’t look away from Severus’s face. “I trust you, Severus.”

Trust. How much Severus wanted that... and for Harry to just hand it to him on a platter...

Severus wished he could lean down and kiss the lips that spoke such welcome words. Instead, Severus rolled his eyes and tried to sharpen his tone of voice. “Nevertheless, you’ll be happy to know that you just drank a calming potion, to help you centre yourself, and not poison.”

Harry laughed and handed the empty vial back to Severus. “I am happy, and thank you.” His fingers brushed against Severus’s hand and Severus felt shivers go up his arm, though Harry didn’t even seem to notice the touch.

Severus pulled away and strode back to the front of the classroom. He had been attracted to Harry before break and had spent much of the holidays thinking about him, but he hadn’t thought the attraction was so strong. He felt like a lovesick teenager.

And what was Harry doing? Was the boy actually flirting with him, just a little, or was Severus imagining everything?

How stupid. Obviously, he was imagining it.

Still, Severus couldn’t stop his gaze from drifting over to Harry’s corner as he worked with the other students.

When it came time for him to dismiss the rest of his students, Severus felt a bit panicked. He had nothing to hide from Harry, but he didn’t know what he might uncover in Harry’s mind. He might end up getting hurt because of these stupid lessons.

Harry roused himself from his meditating as the other students began to pack up. Severus waited with baited breath as they filed out and Harry moved to a seat at the front of the classroom.

“I’m ready, Severus.”

Severus took a deep breath and pulled another seat in front of Harry’s. There was enough space between the chairs for them to stretch out their legs without being on top of each other. It was too close and, yet, not close enough.

Severus pulled his wand from his pocket, needing something to hold. “Are you centred?”

Harry nodded.

“Do you have your walls up?”

Another nod and a sigh.

“Are you relaxed and comfortable?”

Harry leaned forward and looked Severus straight in the eye. “I’m ready.”

Severus raised his wand and incanted, “Legilimens.”

~*~

Harry spent the entire break practicing his Occlumency. He had his walls up, blocking all of his memories from view. He was positive he would be able to withstand Severus’s Legilimency.

He’d learned a lot about himself while practicing his Occlumency. His meditations usually led to him thinking deeply on things. Those things usually ended up being Severus and Snape.

And Severus Snape.

To Harry, they were three separate men, and yet, they were all entwined within each other. Somehow, Harry couldn’t separate them from each other, but he couldn’t consolidate them.

Snape was harsh and mean. The dreaded potions professor. The greasy git. The bat of the dudgeons.

Severus was brusque but warm. A respected Defence teacher. An interesting man. A lonely recluse.

Severus Snape was snarky and reserved. A combination of both Severus and Snape, and yet, an entity in himself. The public persona.

Harry learned something from all of the incarnations of Severus Snape. Harry felt equally as strongly about all of them. He would miss any of them if they disappeared.

Even Snape. Harry had discovered in his mediations that he missed the man who knew so much about Harry’s background and so little about Harry himself. He missed Severus, no matter what incarnation he was in, when he wasn’t around. He felt something for the man that went beyond his attraction to Ginny or Cho, beyond his obsession with Draco Malfoy, beyond his friendship with Hermione and Ron.

He wanted Snape to return, but he didn’t want to lose Severus. He fought himself over whether to give up Snape’s memories or to keep them hidden and safe. He didn’t own Snape’s memory of Dumbledore’s death, so he didn’t have to worry about returning that to Severus and sending him to Azkaban, but he knew that if Severus even regained the few memories Harry owned, he would probably revert to Snape and forget about Harry.

So Harry had practiced his Occlumency and thought about what that meant. He knew he felt something for Severus, but he wasn’t ready to admit what he felt. It wasn’t love. It couldn’t be love. He didn’t know the man well enough to love him.

But, oh, how he wanted to know him.

So Harry held his walls firm as Severus invaded his mind. He wouldn’t expose Severus to his memories. He wouldn’t risk losing Severus to Snape.

“Legilimens.”

Such a simple word, but one with the power to rip a person apart. Severus was pushing on Harry’s walls, threatening to smash them, but Harry held firm.

Harry wouldn’t lose Severus. Not when he’d just realised how much the man meant to him, how important Severus was to Harry.

Harry braced himself, clenching one hand around whatever furniture was next to him: a desk or chair, something that didn’t matter. Severus’s probes were gentler than they had been in the past, and he snuck through Harry’s mind, looking for the cracks.

When Severus found one, he slammed up against it, throwing his consciousness against Harry’s. Harry could withstand it; he could!

And then he couldn’t.

~*~

Severus hadn’t been surprised that Harry had been able to resist him. The boy was smart and intelligent. He would master Occlumency easily someday. But Severus had more knowledge and, technically, more practice, though he couldn’t remember it. He knew he could open up Harry’s mind, so he kept pressing.

There was a crack in Harry's defences; Severus threw his mind against it. At first, it didn’t widen and even seemed to close a little, but Severus pushed harder, using his knowledge of Legilimency to press against the whole wall with most of his mind while carefully pressing a bit of his consciousness into the crack, widening it ever so slightly.

Then it split open and the wall was gone. Memories flooded his mind.

Harry was in a bedroom at the Burrow, Hermione sitting next to him on the bed. They looked as they did now, so it must have been a recent conversation.

“What are you doing, Harry?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you love him?”

“What?”

“I’ve seen the looks you’ve been sending each other. You feel something for him.”

“I do... but I don’t know what it is.”

The memories fluttered out of his grasp, and Severus found himself wondering who it was that Harry loved. Which ”he”, for Severus had never imagined Harry with a man, never thought he’d feel such jealousy when he heard Harry talking about loving a boy.

Another memory, of Snape splayed out on the floor, blood spilling from him. He could hear Harry’s thoughts.

He’s dead. I don’t... I didn’t want him to die. Wake up, Snape. Wake up!

I have to go. I have to go. I don’t want to leave him, but he’s dead. I have to go.

Harry ran from the pale, lifeless-looking Snape, and Severus ran from the memory.

It hovered inside of him though, and he felt it unlocking other memories. He remembered his “death” then and cringed from it. He remembered parts of his life that led to his death: the conversations with Dumbledore and Voldemort (The Dark Lord! his mind hissed at him. Do not address him so casually!), the moment where he killed Dumbledore, the many moments before where he promised so many people that he would kill, and the many moments after where he regretted those promises.

Harry shuddered in front of him, his body trembling as his mind submitted to Severus. Severus’s mind raced, but he forced himself to slow down. He should have removed himself from Harry’s mind, but he wanted, needed to know more. Severus moved along more carefully, but he did not give up his quest for more memories.

He prodded through memories, catching glimpses of himself. He followed the trail of memories in Harry’s mind that spoke of Severus, Snape, or Severus Snape. They were plentiful.

Some he expected: memories of himself teaching, of himself in Grimmauld Place, of his stalking around Hogwarts. He knew those memories intellectually, and as he touched them, they unfolded in his own mind, unlocking his own memories.

Other memories he didn’t expect: memories of him being horrible to Harry and his friends, of him being bitter and mean and hateful, of Harry thrusting into a fist and crying “Severus.”

It was the last memory that made him pull himself from Harry’s mind. Harry looked up at him, face tired, and then away.

“I’m sorry,” Severus murmured. He knew it wasn’t enough, but it was all he could say.

Harry’s gaze remained on the floor. “I don’t love you.”

Severus knew that, but he hated hearing it anyway. “I... understand.” With all of his memories, or at least most of them, returned to him, he understood ever so clearly that Harry could never love him. Harry would end up with the boy he loved, whoever that was, and live happily ever after.

“But I feel something for you.” Harry looked up then, his gaze catching Severus’s and holding them.

Severus shook his head. “No. I understand. You can’t love me. In fact, I’m surprised you don’t hate me, after all the things I’ve done.”

Harry quirked his head to one side. “All the things...? Do you remember then?”

Severus knew he shouldn’t tell Harry. He risked so much by doing so: his freedom and his happiness. He couldn’t lie to the boy though. Not after seeing some of the memories he glimpsed while in Harry’s mind. (I must not tell lies. whispered through Severus’s thoughts.)

He sighed, but replied, “Seeing your memories unlocked mine. I remember so much, though I wish I didn’t.”

Harry’s face fell. “Then you remember our past.”

Severus could remember the past and how he had once felt such hatred for Harry and all that he stood for, but the memories were faded and weary, worn down with time. His most recent memories for Harry were so much clearer and sharper, and his feelings so much gentler. “I do remember her.”

“Oh.” Harry stood and began gathering his things. “I need to go now.”

Severus reached out and grasped Harry’s wrist before he could stop himself. “I hated you.”

Harry nodded and tugged on his arm half-heartedly. “I know.”

“But now I love you.”

The words hung in the air between them. Harry didn’t move, so Severus let go of his wrist and stood, moving away from the boy. It was only once he’d said the words that he realised it was true. Since he lost his memories, he’d grown close to Harry, and he did feel strongly for him. It wasn’t until he’d regained his memories (seen Harry thrusting into his fist and shouting “Severus!”) that he’d realised the depths of his feelings. Things were moving quickly, too quickly.

“I don’t love you.” Harry repeated his words from before.

They tore an even deeper hole in Severus’s heart this time. “I know!” he said.

A pair of arms encircled his waist. “But I could.”

Severus stood still, uncertain as to what he was hearing.

“That memory you saw, with me and Hermione talking about you, was the truth.”

The memory had been about Severus?

“I don’t love you right now. I don’t know enough about you to love you, but I feel something for you. I think it could grow into love.” Harry leaned into Severus.

Severus couldn’t trust himself to look at Harry, so he didn’t turn around. “I’m not a nice man.”

“I know.”

“I killed Dumbledore!” He willed Harry to understand, to move away from him, before Severus put too much of himself into the boy’s hands.

“I know. I was there. I watched you do it. But I know that you were forced to do it.” Harry squeezed his arms tighter. “You are not a nice man, but you are a good one.”

“They might send me to Azkaban one day. I have,” he stumbled over his words, “I remember. Everything.”

“No. I won’t let them do it. I have the memories you gave me as you lay dying. They will prove you are a good man.”

Severus remembered then, his “death” and what had gone before and after it. “Dumbledore,” he gasped, as another memory returned to him.

“He made you do it! It wasn’t your fault.”

Severus turned then grasping Harry by the arms. “Yes. It was Dumbledore. He knew the laws. The spell that took away my memories, that saved my life, was cast by him. I remember now. He took some of my memories away, a price of the spell, he said. He told me that the spell would activate when Voldemort died and I was safe.”

Harry looked up at Severus and ran a hand down Severus’s face. “Dumbledore loved you like a son. He showed it badly, but I know he did.”

“He saved me.” That thought struck Severus hard. He’d never been one of Dumbledore’s favourites. He’d never been a James Potter or a Sirius Black, but still Dumbledore had saved him.

“He gave you a second chance at life.”

Dumbledore had given his life to save so many, including Severus. He couldn’t lose this chance that Dumbledore had given him.

Clasping his hand over Harry’s, which still rested on his face, Severus leaned forward and kissed Harry.

~*~

Harry had never thought this possible. After everything that had gone on between them, he had never imagined this could happen.

He returned Severus’s kiss passionately. When Severus drew away a moment later, Harry let out a moan, wanting to continue the kiss.

“I’m sorry,” Severus said quietly. “Earlier... I was looking for my memories, but I betrayed your privacy in doing so.”

Remembering the memories Severus had seen (a not-so-quiet wank in his bed!), Harry felt a little betrayed, but he knew he had betrayed Severus as well. “I understand. I’ve hidden something from you as well.”

Severus looked down at him, his face wide open and questioning. Harry thrilled at the knowledge that he was seeing Severus’s true emotions. “What is it?”

“Your memories.”

Severus didn’t seem to know what he was talking about, so Harry continued.

“The memories you gave Dumbledore. I inherited them when he died, and I still have them. I’m sorry I didn’t give them back to you.” He looked away, embarrassed of what he was about to admit. “I was afraid that if I returned them, you would become Snape again... and you would forget about me.”

Severus gently pulled Harry’s face up by the chin.“Never.”

Harry looked at him hard. “Please don’t lie to me.” He couldn’t handle lying. Not anymore.

Severus grasped Harry’s hand and traced his fingers along the scars. “I’m not.”

“Good.” Harry tugged Severus into another kiss. They had a lot to discuss, but everything important had already been said. The rest could wait for a while.