now i am craving heartbreak [open]

[goldn_boy]

WHO Jim Kirk and OPEN
WHAT Jim is reasserting himself in all the wrong ways
WHERE CGM, the station, a police action, bars, or anyplace you can think of
WHEN After the breakup with Raylan Monday afternoon, and let's say any night this week
NOTES Find Jim anywhere and feel free to find his behavior strange. If you have questions about things you want

Comments

[spinofthewheel]

Tuesday night, there's a knock at Jim's door.

"Jim?" calls a voice, from outside. "Jim? You there?"

[goldn_boy]

Jim is--for the moment. He opens the door, a broad smile for Nolan, whom he feels he hasn't properly seen in ages. Nolan, who responded to him instantly (no command stripes, no orders, just admiration) and who didn't witness the mess he's been and who Jim has really, honestly missed. Who might be dying and might, at any time, cease to be Nolan.

Jim has a nice shirt on, green and casual-dressy, and blue jeans. "I was just about to go out," he says. "I'm glad you caught me." He can't resist stepping forward and pulling Nolan into a hug.

[spinofthewheel]

Jim is way too late on the hug, because Nolan has already stepped forward and pulled Jim close.

"I was worried," says Nolan, "I thought you might not live here anymore, even though I didn't leave myself a note to that effect, and you didn't reply to the network thing, so..."

He pulls back. "How are you?" He may also have briefly checked Jim out.

Briefly.

Maybe.

[goldn_boy]

Jim warms under Nolan's attention, far preferring this to the tenterhooks people have been tiptoeing around on. "I'm not leaving," he says, but it makes him think about the permanence of that statement, the anniversary coming up. "I'm sorry you were worried--I didn't see the network, and most of the others haven't exactly wanted me around."

It isn't an accusation, but an explanation--Jim can only be there as much as he's allowed.

"Besides, I'm worried about you. You scared me."

[spinofthewheel]

Nolan pauses, uncertain, suddenly. "I did?" he asks.

[goldn_boy]

Jim's eyes are warm as he touches Nolan's face, connecting himself. "Yeah," he says softly. "The coma, the hospital, everything you went through. The network the other day." Part of him remembers Seth's attitude, remembers there are others in there watching, but he also remembers talking to Delta in the little room and what he promised. "It's not your fault I missed you, but I did."

[spinofthewheel]

The network the other day. This is what Nolan's mind focuses on. He grimaces. "I'm sorry," he says, "I don't remember... I mean, I remember the hospital. But nothing after that. We must have decided that it was time to split up. I mean, not like a couple, but like one imprint at a time. For mental health. Like physical mental health, not just crazy. Not that we weren't a little crazy."

[goldn_boy]

Jim grabs his wrist, just holding it. "It's okay," he says, wanting to stem the tide of explanation. "Come on. Let's sit."

He draws Nolan by the wrist back into the room, shutting the door.

"I'd like to know what's going on with you, because I care and because I don't understand and because I want to help you. You don't have to be sorry for who or what you are. Okay? And you don't have to tell me anything you don't want--we can just sit. I just..."

He doesn't want to let him go yet, now that Nolan's here.

[spinofthewheel]

His hand twists, in Jim's grip, reflexively shifting around so that he's holding Jim's hand. He squeezes it. And then he slips back into Jim's arms, holding him tight.

[goldn_boy]

Jim sighs into it, settling against him, breath soft against Nolan's cheek. He didn't know what was going on, but he'd faced his fears in a little room upstairs and if he hadn't vanquished them, he'd decided not to care. He cared even less now, needing that connection. Needing Nolan to know he didn't care why he was here or what he'd been, that it was he who mattered, and deserved what he wanted.

"You said once you'd tell me what you needed," he murmured. "You never ask me for anything."

[spinofthewheel]

He doesn't like asking things of people. Saying something like that, it's just a deflection.

But, right now, maybe --

"I'd like to know I'm not alone." Because he feels it, right now, more than ever. An empty mind, a heart in singular, not in plural. Nolan is used to feeling a riot of emotions at any given time, and now he's hollow.

[goldn_boy]

And Jim doesn't either, and he prefers knowing without having to ask, but he likes doing.

"You're not," Jim says into his hair, which he then smooths back as he leans just his head back to look at Nolan's face. "But it's easy enough to say it, isn't it? Nolan, you're one of the first things here I could hold onto, could understand as being worth it, apart from everything else. You're one of the first people to make me feel I wasn't alone." He kisses his forehead, wondering if Nolan feels alone because he is only himself right now. Like most people are. If he's feeling the isolation inherent in most known modes of existence. "You still make me feel that way."

[spinofthewheel]

Words aren't going to work for this, he thinks. Most of the communication between the imprints wasn't in words. Words are just words. Just vibrations in the air.

He shifts forward and kisses Jim.

[goldn_boy]

Jim isn't at all surprised by that, though he wishes Nolan would try to let him understand better. But he understands the language of touch, and he can do that.

He kisses Nolan, warm and hungry all at once, having vowed not to hold anything of himself back.

[spinofthewheel]

Nolan would like to explain. But he would like to explain later. For now, he's pushing Jim back towards the bed, and climbing all up in his lap. Energetic, passionate, and needy.

[goldn_boy]

This, Jim can give. Nolan's need always sparks a corresponding need in him, a need to give, to be needed, to provide. To take in return what is offered. So Nolan doesn't have to push hard, and Jim's hands are already all over him when they're not drawing his own shirt over his head and starting on Nolan's.