video } { hey you with the pretty face, welcome to the human race

[isaywe_party]

[the feed opens with a giggle. A very specific giggle. The camera is not showing her face, however, because that would not be practical-and she probably didn’t mean to turn it on. And it’s also currently bouncing. Sorry for all the motion sick in the audience]Runnin’ down the avenue … see how the sun shines bright in the … something. Something

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[idolstolemylook]

Um... Pet?

You okay in there?

[isaywe_party]

[shrugs]

There isn't really anything to make right. It just ... is, you know? Things got complicated.

[idolstolemylook]

No, I don't know. Haven't bothered to explain it to me. Been avoiding me, I know it, an' I want to know why.

[He turns his pleading gaze on her, knowing she's vulnerable right now. And needing to know.]

Think I deserve that much.

[isaywe_party]

[she's quiet as she considers this for a moment, before shifting up and tucking her legs under him so that she's facing him more]

Okay. Well. I died.

[idolstolemylook]

[A shadow crosses Spike's face, lingering there. If he has true regret about anything, it's this.]

Yeah, know that, pet. Was there. [He swallows.] See it when I close my eyes, I do.

[isaywe_party]

But I come back. Willow pulls me out of Heaven and puts me back in my body. And for a while, it really sucks. I feel like I don't fit in a place where I used to fit, and it's confusing. All my feelings are jumbled and sometime between me coming back and Willow going evil -- the sex happens.

[idolstolemylook]

[You know what else is confusing? The present tense. But there's that word again.]

The sex. Happens.

[isaywe_party]

[nods]

Lots of it. In weird places and in weird ways and ... I think we actually destroyed a building once.

[a beat]

That was actually kind of fun.

[and she's back on topic]

But it was bad. Because I was just trying to get over my depressed, I-just-want-to-feel-something feelings, and I lead you on, and that was bad. And I shouldn't have done it.

[a nod]

So. I'm sorry for the leading on and the using, and the sex.

[idolstolemylook]

[Spike blinks at her for a moment, unable to draw breath to speak. Until it comes out in a rush of air.]

S'okay, Buffy. Promise. Should use me. For sex.

[His brain is almost not working, but what he does know is that he's missing out and he wants in. Buffy, this Buffy, knows his body in ways he has no idea about, and it's completely bloody unfair to withhold herself now after it's already happened and she's already given in and oh fuck she gave in she could do it again he was right he was right she wanted him, deep down...]

[isaywe_party]

[blinks at him with wide eyes as it takes her a minute to process what he's saying and she shakes her head. hard enough that it probably could have flown off her head or at least ... ]

Whoa ... dizzy.

[takes a minute to regain herself before looking back at him]

No. Not going down that road again. That road ... didn't end well. Besides -- I'm off vampires for a while. In fact, I'm off sex in general. Only gets me in trouble.

[and that is the truth]

[idolstolemylook]

[Brain to mouth filter: free from its loose connection. He's been holding back, of course, knowing the going is delicate. But Spike's always been a creature of impulses.]

Can't do that, Buffy--can't deny me another chance when I haven't had the one. Different road altogether. Could be good to you. You know I could. Do anything for you, love. I know you think I'm a bad man, but I'd do anything before I'd hurt you. I can learn. Doesn't matter if you love me, long as I can love you.

[isaywe_party]

No, no, no see -- you're not the bad guy in this. I am. This is why you having your soul is good so you can get that the using is bad, and that I don't love you, and that's not a good thing and let's think about this.

[shifts away a bit]

Look, you'll get the ... you and me someday, okay? I ... I don't know how this road would be any different.

[idolstolemylook]

[The bloody soul again.]

Don't want it, Buffy, if it makes me see you as bad. Already know you don't love me, pet. Told you it's fine. And I've already thought about it. You think I'd've done what I've done if it was just...

[He has to get up, the energy coursing through him too much, and paces a bit. Restless, not angry.]

It's different because it's here. And you know. And even if I can't imagine you've done me wrong, you had to have wanted me. Had to have some feeling for me in there. You can do it again, have... take the good parts.

[isaywe_party]

That's the thing. It wasn't good. It just was.

[and then it went bad, and maybe it going bad hurt more than it should have because she was supposed to be able to trust him, and then he tried ... no. brain not going there.]

[idolstolemylook]

[Spike stops short, staring at her, hiding nothing of his love and pain and desire and confusion.]

Can't believe that, Buffy. Can't believe it wasn't good between us.

[isaywe_party]

I used you to feel something. To feel anything. And you managed to pull through there.

[sighs as she looks up]

But it wasn't like what you and Dru have. It wasn't anything. It was just -- sex.