Loneliness
I went to the mall today. Couples everywhere. Holding hands and such. It made this pain rise up from inside me, the same pain I always feel when a sight like that sneaks past my fragile defenses and overwhelms my heart. When that happens, I attempt to steel myself against any oncoming tears, but I'm not always successful. If there's any privacy nearby, it's harder to hold them back. The greater the need to maintain composure, the better the chance of success. As I fight to hold onto a dignified facade, I pray, asking God why I have to be alone, if he could let me find someone soon, and if I could possibly not hurt so much in the meantime.
When I thought I'd found love, I was the happiest and most fulfilled I had ever been in my life. When I was deserted and I found out that I had never really been loved back in the first place, I was the most devastated and empty I had ever been. I want love more than anything in the world. (This is not counting God, since He goes beyond anything I could ever have on Earth.) If I only had love, my most important need (besides needing God) would be taken care of. Nothing fulfills me more and nothing creates a more prominent void when I don't have it. I'm lost without someone to care for.
Also, I'm 19 years old. Of course I want a boyfriend. My only relationship was long distance--it's about time I experienced something more traditional in that sense. I want someone to hold hands with and go to dinner and the movies with and to cuddle with and all that stuff. But I don't want a meaningless "relationship" that's destined to fail from the start. I pray that God will send me a good, compatible Christian man. I also pray for patience, but it's difficult to wait for the deepest desire of your heart.
I'm keeping busy. I'm looking for a better-paying job, I'm making plans to move out with a friend, I'm trying to get plugged in at a church, and I'm working on a personal goal of being more active and getting into better shape. So it's not like I just mope around the house all day. But even so, loneliness continues to weigh heavily on me. It can get very painful, and once in a while it feels completely unbearable.
When I thought I'd found love, I was the happiest and most fulfilled I had ever been in my life. When I was deserted and I found out that I had never really been loved back in the first place, I was the most devastated and empty I had ever been. I want love more than anything in the world. (This is not counting God, since He goes beyond anything I could ever have on Earth.) If I only had love, my most important need (besides needing God) would be taken care of. Nothing fulfills me more and nothing creates a more prominent void when I don't have it. I'm lost without someone to care for.
Also, I'm 19 years old. Of course I want a boyfriend. My only relationship was long distance--it's about time I experienced something more traditional in that sense. I want someone to hold hands with and go to dinner and the movies with and to cuddle with and all that stuff. But I don't want a meaningless "relationship" that's destined to fail from the start. I pray that God will send me a good, compatible Christian man. I also pray for patience, but it's difficult to wait for the deepest desire of your heart.
I'm keeping busy. I'm looking for a better-paying job, I'm making plans to move out with a friend, I'm trying to get plugged in at a church, and I'm working on a personal goal of being more active and getting into better shape. So it's not like I just mope around the house all day. But even so, loneliness continues to weigh heavily on me. It can get very painful, and once in a while it feels completely unbearable.