holes in pants, holes in logic, patches
all the drugs advertised in newsweek have the same logo. on the first run through i missed the full page ad for savedarfur.org; lost between ads for drugs to lower your cholesterol, numb your pain, put you to sleep, cure your dandruff, make you a world class runner, and give you an erection. lost between ads for glaxosmithkline and dow chemical. a three page story about $600 video game consoles. britney spears' breasts. a quiz that asks, "are you a gearhead?" with the subhead of 'it seemed like only yesterday when taking pictures with your cell phone was cutting edge. ha! it's time to upgrade.' honestly my first reaction is that the illustration above the quiz is lame and canned. i'm reading this november 20th copy of newsweek because a lady whose house alyssa cleans gave it to her, and now it's sitting on the table next to my desk.
my dad has a subscription to time magazine and i used to read it every week in highschool when i was at his house. i stopped when i realized that i didn't really learn things from it so much as i felt smart because i read it. now i listen to npr. maybe this is the same thing, but at least it's free, and the hosts often manage to ask questions of the guests that are both neutral and thought provoking. the other day i watched howard zinn give a speech somewhere in wisconsin on pbs. "woo!" i cheered eating my salad. i still haven't read a people's history of the united states, but i did find out through wikipedia that zinn is 84 years old, so congratulations to him for looking 65, even if i haven't read his most famous book. afterwards, i went back to my job/non-jobs making art and music. what ridiculous things to do for a living! kind of. what this means is that i browsed other artists' websites, doodled, went for a walk, and played my piano and guitar for three hours, while hoping that people are buying prints and drawings downtown, and are emailing me comissions while i gradually spend the last of my savings.
i've probably gotten a 'real' job doing production art at a flag and banner print shop in the heart of the burnt out, trash-strewn, strip-club, fried food, cashiers behind plexiglass, same day gold teeth, ex-industrial wasteland that is kensington, north philadelphia. i won't find out until next week, although my interview went well and they've started calling my references (karen and dan i listed you as friends and landlords) who have so far been very kind to me. this certainly isn't anything glamorous, but it would be pretty easy, and although it wouldn't provide health insurance, it would pay enough that i could buy my own. considering that the rather generous budget i've figured of things i need to spend money on in the next year (rent, food, utilities etc.)and the roughly equivalent amount of money i actually have been spending falls comfortably below what the u.s. government considers the poverty-line for one person, the amount that this job would pay is unbelievably decadent. it's twice my budget. although i doubt this estimation, the u.s government believes it's enough to support a family of four at the poverty line. of course i've been trying to think of useful things on which to spend that extra money. front runners:
1-changing my permanent address to philadelphia. this would mean higher car and health insurance costs, but also no more mail at my mom's house, and the ability to vote for mayor/ the people who actually represent the area in which i live. more or less the giant symbol of being a for real adult type person.
2- health insurance! woo, not so much paranoia about breaking stuff and not being able to fix it when i'm riding my bike. and i had scarlet fever twice last year!
3-language classes at ccp. i want to relearn all the german i've forgotten since the three years i had of it in highschool. i want to learn french, spanish, mandarin. more people in the world i can communicate with. more books i can read. more things to express that are only expressable a certain way in a certain language.
4-roadtrips with lys. it's a year in february. we want to go somewhere we've never been to before.
5- tattoo$z. permanent adjustments to your body are worth spending money on to have done correctly.
so i stand to have something around 36% of the median annual income in the u.s. which is more money than i know what to do with, and certainly more income than most people on the planet would know what to do with. what have i been thinking about? stuff to get for myself. but also, useful things on which to spend it. things to help me learn or be a better person. and also, i've been thinking about what the hell people who earn the median u.s. income or above must be spending their money on. $5 issues of newsweek and drugs to get erections, apparently. $200 watches. packaged food. packaged food usually makes me feel kind of gross anymore. also it's only a dollar for five oranges, or a sack of a dozen potatoes or onions, and three or four dollars for a frozen pizza. six dollars for fast food. certainly way more for a meal's worth of packaged food that actually is food.
so.
so what?
so i'm another heterosexualeighteentofortysomethingsuburbanraisedwhiteguy with more money than he needs. i just read dan's essay on the history of his social awareness, and to quote him quoting someone else: 'i haven’t the faintest notion what possible revolutionary role white heterosexual men could fulfill, since they are the very embodiment of reactionary-vested-interest power.'
so am i going to don a bandana and run off into the woods to form a guerilla army? no. i've been to washington and city hall to protest (over issues i admittedly didn't and probably still don't completely understand), written letters, cried overwhelmed by things i'd rather pretend didn't exist, and then succeeded in pretending they don't exist. maybe i've done and learned more than most, but certainly less than many, and less than i could learn, or do.
so what am i going to do? probably something like what i, and everyone else does; pick and choose the pieces of society to hate, and which to embrace. i'll drive a gas-guzzling van to transport musical equipment, so that i can bring a few people the joy and connectivity of music, but i won't drive it unless i have to, and the rest of the time i'll ride my bike or walk. i'll covet things, but usually musical equipment, books, art, or bikes, and i won't let it turn into anything past petty greed. i'll own a computer, but i'll get parts for it from the garbage. i'll 'steal' food from dumpsters and eat a usually vegan diet, but i'll eat an omlette or egg salad when i feel like going to a diner. i'll never completely purge myself of ingrained racial-gender-socioeconomic biases, but i'll do my best to acknowledge them, understand them, and minimize them. i'll hear about atrocities, learn what i can, and probably do little more than worry and try not to cause any more, maybe throw a few dollars, because i just don't know what else i can actually do. i'll continue to get grifted by people on the street because i continually hope that they're being honest and i'm being human. i'll do my best to apreciate the clean warm room, loved ones, and community i have.
i'll do my best to learn, and not be a jerkface, to improve. that's about all i want from anyone else.