Are You There, God? It's Me, House
Title: Are You There, God? It's Me, House: Or, The One Where They're Twelve Year Old Girls
Author: ceruleanshipper
Ship: Gen
Genre: AU, gendercrack, agecrack
Summary: I remember reading a transcript of an AIM conversation between
leiascully and someone else regarding the
parrotfic Crack!Verse, discussing a possible AU where House, Wilson, et al are middle school girls. Think Judy Blume meets House, MD. Also inspired by AU! Fic 4: [Age AU] House and Wilson are 12-year-old grrlz. House is a skater, b/c he [sic] doesn't listen to any1. THis is totally true to real life, i should know.
Drat.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Blood on the fingernail. Dead giveaway."
Jen shot a look at her hands. Nothing. But her reaction was confirmation enough.
Crap.
"Last night," she muttered, trying not to blush and failing. She briefly wondered if she should give House the satisfaction of asking her how she'd done it, considered that House would become even more insufferable than usual, then made up her mind.
"You win, House. How'd you do it? And I swear that if you say elementary--"
"Why would I? Today, you are a woman. Mazel tov." House smirked and grabbed a fry from Jen's tray. "Do you know what the Yoruba do at--"
"Grace."
"You took your backpack inside the stall and I heard the zipper."
Jen stared at House. "I always..."
"...keep your backpack right outside the stall 'cause you're afraid someone'll steal your TI-83, but you don't touch it until -after- you've washed your hands. Nice job flushing the toilet to cover the unwrapping, though. Impressive."
"I'm not sure I should be flattered, or terrified that my best friend is that obsessed with my--"
"Don't flatter yourself; I only noticed because it was out of the ordinary. Erica!" House stood up and waved at Erica Foreman, who rolled her eyes in response but walked over to their table.
"Grace." She nodded to Jen. "Jen."
"Jen here's started surfin' the crimson wave. Thought you could give her some advice."
"Uh, don't tell House?"
"I didn't. She found out."
"Join the club."
"You looked puffy!" House exclaimed. "If this is what I get for caring about you people..." She sighed.
Lisa Cuddy plopped her bag on the table. "What'd I miss?"
"Jen got her period."
Jen buried her head in her hands. "House."
"Well. That's... news." Lisa opened up her pudding cup.
"Yeah. You're no longer the special one, Lise."
"Wait--" Erica started.
"You don't count, you're black. Of course you got yours before Wilson."
Jen looked up. "What?"
"Am I the only one here who reads The American Journal of Adolescent Medicine?"
"You read half of one issue and suddenly you're an expert," Jen muttered.
Lisa stood up. "Hate to leave, but I have a Spanish test in two days and unlike some people I need to study. See ya."
"Suckup," House called out in farewell. She turned to Jen. "So, what's it like?"
"Could we please not discuss this now? I'm trying to eat."
"So am I," Erica added.
"Please. You've had it for half a year; you can't be that phased by it. Are cramps really as bad as they say, or are most people just total wusses? And is Jen more irritable than usual, or is it just me?"
Jen stood up. "House, has it ever occurred to you that maybe I don't want to discuss it?" She grabbed her tray and walked to the exit.
House watched Jen walk away. "Somebody's bitchy."
"Somebody's jealous," Erica replied.
House scoffed. "You think I'm jealous of pain, bleeding, and the potential to breed?"
"You're Grace House; it's a new experience. Of course you're jealous."
"Whatever. She can keep her bleeding uterus."
"Only a week ago you were complaining whenever Lisa or Jen brought up camp."
"What, you think I wanted to go to Jew camp?" House picked up her last fry but paused before it went into her mouth. She put it back down and stood up instead.
"House?"
"I feel the need to review Spanish," House called out over her shoulder as she headed towards the corner table where Lisa was studying.
"What happened at Jew camp?"
Lisa looked up. "House. I thought you weren't interested in Jewish culture."
"Never mind the hava nagilah, did Jen start her period there?" House sat down and began ticking points off her fingers. "First, Jen seemed too calm about the whole thing--this is Jen Wilson we're talking about here, who changes for gym in a bathroom stall. Second, you barely reacted when I told you, and considering you practically threw a party when you got yours, that seems rather odd that you wouldn't react more at the news. Third, Dan Jennings was bragging about how his class--your Spanish class--is watching La Fea Mas Bella for the next week. If there's a test, I'm not sure that studying 501 Spanish Verbs would help."
"You could have asked me first, you know."
House turned around.
It was Jen.
Crap.
"You lied to me."
"No, I didn't. You never asked if I was having my first ; you just asked--"
"It was implied."
"And what was I supposed to say, I first got it at camp but I didn't tell you because you'd be jealous? And hiding your jealousy by making as many Red Sea jokes as you could?"
House ignored the first part of that statement. "Red Sea jokes?"
"Old Camp Singer tradition," Lisa interjected.
"House, in fifth grade you didn't speak to me for a week because," and Wilson waved at her chest.
"That. Was. Visible. Stephen Warner spoke to you in the lunch line when he saw the strap under your shirt."
"He was being nice!"
"Mm-hmm."
"Look, House, even if you were right about that, you think this'll make guys like--" Jen paused. "It's not about guys, is it.; it's about you not knowing about every part of my life. No, not just that it's happened, but the experience of it. Admit it."
"Have you and Erica been comparing notes again?"
"No, we both read the same issue of The American Journal of Adolescent Psychology."
House gaped.
"Psyche. Seventeen."
"You mean there's actually something not worthless in there?"
"You'd be surprised what kind of crap I can wade through."
"Jen, you said crap."
"I think you're a bad influence, House."
******
Three months later House showed up at Jen's door wearing a red shirt and red Converse and carrying a small red purse.
Jen didn't even know House owned a purse. "Were the tampon earrings not obvious enough?"
"I am so going to milk this menstruation thing," House declared. "You think the lunch lady'll give me another burger? I need more iron."
Author: ceruleanshipper
Ship: Gen
Genre: AU, gendercrack, agecrack
Summary: I remember reading a transcript of an AIM conversation between
leiascully and someone else regarding the
parrotfic Crack!Verse, discussing a possible AU where House, Wilson, et al are middle school girls. Think Judy Blume meets House, MD. Also inspired by AU! Fic 4: [Age AU] House and Wilson are 12-year-old grrlz. House is a skater, b/c he [sic] doesn't listen to any1. THis is totally true to real life, i should know.
Drat.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Blood on the fingernail. Dead giveaway."
Jen shot a look at her hands. Nothing. But her reaction was confirmation enough.
Crap.
"Last night," she muttered, trying not to blush and failing. She briefly wondered if she should give House the satisfaction of asking her how she'd done it, considered that House would become even more insufferable than usual, then made up her mind.
"You win, House. How'd you do it? And I swear that if you say elementary--"
"Why would I? Today, you are a woman. Mazel tov." House smirked and grabbed a fry from Jen's tray. "Do you know what the Yoruba do at--"
"Grace."
"You took your backpack inside the stall and I heard the zipper."
Jen stared at House. "I always..."
"...keep your backpack right outside the stall 'cause you're afraid someone'll steal your TI-83, but you don't touch it until -after- you've washed your hands. Nice job flushing the toilet to cover the unwrapping, though. Impressive."
"I'm not sure I should be flattered, or terrified that my best friend is that obsessed with my--"
"Don't flatter yourself; I only noticed because it was out of the ordinary. Erica!" House stood up and waved at Erica Foreman, who rolled her eyes in response but walked over to their table.
"Grace." She nodded to Jen. "Jen."
"Jen here's started surfin' the crimson wave. Thought you could give her some advice."
"Uh, don't tell House?"
"I didn't. She found out."
"Join the club."
"You looked puffy!" House exclaimed. "If this is what I get for caring about you people..." She sighed.
Lisa Cuddy plopped her bag on the table. "What'd I miss?"
"Jen got her period."
Jen buried her head in her hands. "House."
"Well. That's... news." Lisa opened up her pudding cup.
"Yeah. You're no longer the special one, Lise."
"Wait--" Erica started.
"You don't count, you're black. Of course you got yours before Wilson."
Jen looked up. "What?"
"Am I the only one here who reads The American Journal of Adolescent Medicine?"
"You read half of one issue and suddenly you're an expert," Jen muttered.
Lisa stood up. "Hate to leave, but I have a Spanish test in two days and unlike some people I need to study. See ya."
"Suckup," House called out in farewell. She turned to Jen. "So, what's it like?"
"Could we please not discuss this now? I'm trying to eat."
"So am I," Erica added.
"Please. You've had it for half a year; you can't be that phased by it. Are cramps really as bad as they say, or are most people just total wusses? And is Jen more irritable than usual, or is it just me?"
Jen stood up. "House, has it ever occurred to you that maybe I don't want to discuss it?" She grabbed her tray and walked to the exit.
House watched Jen walk away. "Somebody's bitchy."
"Somebody's jealous," Erica replied.
House scoffed. "You think I'm jealous of pain, bleeding, and the potential to breed?"
"You're Grace House; it's a new experience. Of course you're jealous."
"Whatever. She can keep her bleeding uterus."
"Only a week ago you were complaining whenever Lisa or Jen brought up camp."
"What, you think I wanted to go to Jew camp?" House picked up her last fry but paused before it went into her mouth. She put it back down and stood up instead.
"House?"
"I feel the need to review Spanish," House called out over her shoulder as she headed towards the corner table where Lisa was studying.
"What happened at Jew camp?"
Lisa looked up. "House. I thought you weren't interested in Jewish culture."
"Never mind the hava nagilah, did Jen start her period there?" House sat down and began ticking points off her fingers. "First, Jen seemed too calm about the whole thing--this is Jen Wilson we're talking about here, who changes for gym in a bathroom stall. Second, you barely reacted when I told you, and considering you practically threw a party when you got yours, that seems rather odd that you wouldn't react more at the news. Third, Dan Jennings was bragging about how his class--your Spanish class--is watching La Fea Mas Bella for the next week. If there's a test, I'm not sure that studying 501 Spanish Verbs would help."
"You could have asked me first, you know."
House turned around.
It was Jen.
Crap.
"You lied to me."
"No, I didn't. You never asked if I was having my first ; you just asked--"
"It was implied."
"And what was I supposed to say, I first got it at camp but I didn't tell you because you'd be jealous? And hiding your jealousy by making as many Red Sea jokes as you could?"
House ignored the first part of that statement. "Red Sea jokes?"
"Old Camp Singer tradition," Lisa interjected.
"House, in fifth grade you didn't speak to me for a week because," and Wilson waved at her chest.
"That. Was. Visible. Stephen Warner spoke to you in the lunch line when he saw the strap under your shirt."
"He was being nice!"
"Mm-hmm."
"Look, House, even if you were right about that, you think this'll make guys like--" Jen paused. "It's not about guys, is it.; it's about you not knowing about every part of my life. No, not just that it's happened, but the experience of it. Admit it."
"Have you and Erica been comparing notes again?"
"No, we both read the same issue of The American Journal of Adolescent Psychology."
House gaped.
"Psyche. Seventeen."
"You mean there's actually something not worthless in there?"
"You'd be surprised what kind of crap I can wade through."
"Jen, you said crap."
"I think you're a bad influence, House."
******
Three months later House showed up at Jen's door wearing a red shirt and red Converse and carrying a small red purse.
Jen didn't even know House owned a purse. "Were the tampon earrings not obvious enough?"
"I am so going to milk this menstruation thing," House declared. "You think the lunch lady'll give me another burger? I need more iron."