Ignorance Is Bliss (1/?) - Puck/Rachel - PG 13
Title: Ignorance Is Bliss (1/?)
Author: Bex81385
Rating: PG 13
Word Count: 2839
Pairing: Puck/Rachel
Spoilers: Everything from Season One.
Summary: Rachel's reaction to Beth's adoption is surprising, but then again not really. He supposes they should have seen it coming...
Chapter One
He never asked to be the only person who could see right through her. Puck knew things about Rachel, things he's pretty sure no one else knew, and he really wished he didn't. For instance, he knew that she was nowhere close to being over that Jesse guy. Even though she should be, even though he sat idly by while Vocal Adrenaline threw eggs at her, even though he smashed that last egg against her forehead, she's still in love with him. It makes zero sense to him, but he's seen girls act a lot stupider for even stupider reasons.
Still, even though he knew that Rachel wasn't over Jesse, he'd been waiting for Rachel and Finn to pick up where they'd left off. He hadn't really cared one way or another if Finn and Rachel could somehow manage to make it work as a couple this time around, but he knew an attempt would be made sooner or later. He knew how Rachel felt about Finn and he knew how Finn felt about Rachel. The dumb ass had sung “Jesse's Girl” to her in the middle of Glee practice a few weeks before. But, since her split with Jesse, Rachel hadn't made a single attempt to rekindle her and Finn's doomed from the start romance; which he thought was weird because the last time he'd checked Rachel was head over heels for Finn Hudson. It was after all the reason why she had broken up with him and why she'd told Finn about the baby.
The week before Regionals he noticed something had changed between the two of them. Finn had made some speech about how amazing she was and Rachel had lapped up it like a thirsty puppy. She'd kissed him, and things were finally back to normal. Well, at least as normal as things ever were between the two of them, and Puck was pretty pleased with it. He'd gotten sick of watching Rachel mope, even though he totally understood why she'd be so upset. She'd had a pretty rough month and he knows without a doubt that anyone else would be locked in bathroom, refusing to come out, sobbing like an idiot. Rachel Berry was stronger than anyone gave her credit for. Anyway, he was just glad to see her smiling again.
It wasn't until after their soul shattering defeat at Regionals, that Puck noticed something was really off with her. Rachel would spend a large part of the day just staring off into space, a lost look on her face. Normally, he'd think she was just thinking about Finn, but she was chewing on her bottom lip. He knew that was something she only did when she was really upset. He wondered if Finn had ever picked up on that particular nervous habit of hers. He doubted it. Still, she and Finn would sit together at Glee, crooning their duets with ease, and Puck just assumed he was over analyzing things. After all, it seemed to everyone else that Rachel and Finn were back on the path to becoming that couple that made everyone, mainly Puck, want to puke.
When Finn told Puck that right before they'd gone on stage at Regionals, he'd told Rachel that he loved her, Puck just asked one question, Did she say it back?. When Finn shook his head and said something about going on stage before she had a chance, Puck was completely baffled. He didn't know why it never occurred to Finn that it meant something huge, and not very good for Finn at all, that she hadn't said it back. He knew Rachel had been waiting for the better part of the year to hear those words come from Finn's mouth and she was far too needy to not immediately say it back; even if she didn't mean it. He'd heard her say it to Jesse enough times to know that she didn't have a problem with saying the “L word.”.
That was all the validation that Puck needed. He'd known at that very moment that something was very wrong with Rachel. He started watching her closer after that. He told himself it was only because he was worried for Finn. He'd just gotten his friend back, and if Rachel was having issues, soon enough they'd become Finn's issues, which meant that inevitably they'd become Puck's issues; and he had enough of those on his own. He had no desire to add to them. But, he knew better than that. Somewhere along the line, he'd started to care about Rachel Berry. He hated himself for it.
He thinks what bothers him most is that he's the only one who seems to notice. Then again, maybe he's wrong and the rest of them do too. If that's the case, he suspects they either don't care or they're all just happy she's leaving them alone. Mercedes is finally getting solos (solos that should have been Rachel's and would be if she'd just open her mouth), and Mr. Shue isn't having to fight her on every single song selection. He supposes they probably think this new Rachel is an improved version of the old one, but he knows the truth. He knows this Rachel is just a shell that everyone in her life had successfully hollowed out.
He doesn't know if this change in behavior is based on the loss of Jesse, the loss of Shelby, or the third place finish at Regionals, but he knows that whatever it is, she's not coping. He doesn't know why he's just now realizing how much she's gone through this year, and not just this past month, but it makes him feel like a jerk. Sure, he's had his own crap to deal with, but she was always there for him, always supporting him. He feels like somewhere along the line he got too bogged down in his own stuff and he really let her down.
The others might like this new Rachel, but he sure as hell doesn't. Her smiles were too big, her laughs were too loud, her grip on Finn's hand was just a little too tight, she was just trying way too hard to look happy. She's the most determined person he knows and he's never seen her try so hard to make something work. He can't figure out how Finn, who's supposed to be so in love with her, doesn't notice that this girl standing next to him is not Rachel Berry. And, even worse, he can't figure out how Finn's okay with it.
xxxxxx
Watching Rachel had turned into a full time job for him. He'd be worried that it was bordering on creepy if he wasn't so worried about her. When he walked into the hallway his eyes automatically sought her out. He found her standing next to Finn's locker. Finn was talking to her but it was obvious she wasn't paying attention to him. She had a blank expression on her face, and he knew something was clearly wrong with her. It pissed him off that Finn didn't seem to care.
He watched as Finn kissed her cheek quickly before running off to practice or something; Puck didn't really know what it was that Finn did these days. He hadn't been close enough to hear what they were talking about but he saw Rachel taking deep breaths, trying to compose herself, and knew whatever it was they had been talking about hadn't been good.
He weighed his options silently. He could walk away and pretend that he didn't notice anything wrong or he could walk over to her and try to figure out what was wrong. He knew if the roles were reversed he'd have to fight her tiny ass off him while she did everything she could possibly think of to help him. He'd been standing on the sidelines watching her slip further and further into herself for way too long and knew it had to stop. He sighed and wondered when he'd grown a conscience before heading over in her direction.
“Hey Berry, wait up,” he called out before he could change his mind. He got to Rachel before she could run off and casually draped an arm across her shoulders, effectively trapping her. He pretended not to notice the flash of anger in her eyes when she saw him. He really didn't like that the first real emotion he'd seen on her face in weeks was so viciously pointed in his direction. He didn't know what he'd done to piss her off, but he was sure he'd find out at some point. She was incapable of staying angry for too long before letting him know why. Sometimes, he thinks she just likes arguing too much. Instead he smiled broadly at her and tightened his grip around her shoulders.
She didn't even pretend to smile. “Hello, Puck,” she said blandly before forcefully shrugging his arm off her shoulders.
“I'm hurt by your coldness,” he told her pouting slightly. He watched her move farther away from him and adjusted the distance between them to make up for the difference.
Rachel rolled her eyes and moved away again, “I doubt that's true.”
He was shocked to discover that it actually was. He was trying to be nice, and he really didn't know why she was so angry with him. Now, that she was being openly hostile towards him, he found it didn't sit well with him. Hell, he couldn't even remember the last time she'd called him Puck. Suddenly the new Rachel, the one who pretended everything was rainbows and unicorns seemed appealing. He chastised himself for thinking that, for thinking that the pale imitation could ever be better than the real deal, and simply shrugged. “Whatever. What's wrong with you?”
Rachel didn't even look at him. “I don't know what you're talking about.”
He couldn't believe she actually thought that would work on him. He wasn't Finn. He wasn't completely oblivious. Puck scoffed. “The hell you don't. You know exactly what I'm talking about. You're acting weird. Have been for weeks, but this right now,” he said gesturing between the two of them “is weirder than usual.”
Rachel shook her head. “I most certainly am not,” she said defensively. “And even if I was why would you care anyway? You've never taken my feelings into consideration before, why would you start now?” she snapped bitterly before turning on her heels and walking away as fast as her feet could take her.
Puck stood there, his mouth hanging open in shock, as he watched her storm off. All he could think was“What the hell was that?”
xxxxxx
Puck spent the rest of the day trying to figure out what he'd done to Rachel. He was pretty sure he hadn't done anything (well nothing that she knew about anyway), but she was clearly angry with him, so he had to have done something. Rachel was not one of those girls who got mad for no reason, stupid reasons, yes, but no reason at all? Never. Still, he didn't even know when he would have had time to do something to piss her off.
The minute he walked into Glee, he figured it out, and felt really stupid. She was standing in the corner, busying herself with sheet music, but he knew she could hear Santana and Brittany talking considering they weren't even trying to be discrete. There were tears in her eyes and while she didn't look shocked by Santana and Brittany's comments, she was clearly upset by them. Suddenly he felt like an even bigger jerk than when he found out he'd gotten Quinn pregnant. He sat down in the empty chair next to Quinn and yanked hers closer to him. Part of him wanted to laugh when she nearly toppled out of it, but he was too angry for laughter. “I thought we weren't telling people until we figured out a way to tell Rachel?” he hissed angrily.
She'd been waiting for this ever since the moment she'd told them. “I didn't mean to tell them. It just kind of slipped out,” she admitted. And it had. She hadn't meant to tell them. Santana had been accusing her of just throwing her baby away. She'd been trying to prove she wasn't as irresponsible as Santana was implying she was. It hadn't even occurred to her at the time how Rachel would react if she'd found out.
Puck glared. “How? How does something like that just slip out?” The very idea that she could accidentally tell anyone something as important as this was ridiculous. “We had an arrangement, Fabray. I was going to tell her. She shouldn't have found out this way. We agreed to do everything we could to try and not hurt her. She's really been there for us these last couple of months, and you opening your mouth to those two was just cruel.”
Quinn shrugged. “Maybe you should have just manned up and told her by now,” she snapped. She wasn't going to be the bad guy here. She watched as Puck got up, knocking his chair over in the process, and headed over to Rachel. She considered calling out after him, but she didn't want to deal with him when he was this angry.
Puck reached up to run a hand through his mo-hawk (his own nervous habit) before remembering it wasn't there anymore. He sighed and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. After earlier in the hallway he should have expected it, but the way Rachel flinched before pulling away when he touched her surprised him. “Rach...” he tried softly. When she didn't respond, he tried again. “Rachel, come on. At least look at me,” he practically begged. He was surprised when she did.
“Just leave me alone, Puck.”
The look on her face and the tone of her voice confirmed what he'd already known; they really should have discussed letting Shelby adopt Beth, with Rachel before agreeing to it in the first place. She was, after all, one of the main reasons he'd decided to go through with the adoption in the first place. She'd done everything she could think of to make him as comfortable as he possibly could be with idea of giving his baby girl up. And sure, his baby needed an adoptive parent, but Shelby was actually Rachel's mother, and that meant something. Finding out that he and Quinn had given her to Shelby probably felt like a slap in the face. Especially after Shelby so callously tossed Rachel aside. Quinn didn't seem to notice the pain in Rachel's eyes (or maybe she did and just doesn't care; Puck's not sure which is worse) but he does. One thing he knew for sure, Rachel should have been the first person to find out, and not the last.
He'd wanted to be the one to tell her. He did. Considering how Rachel and Quinn felt about each other, he and Quinn had already decided it would be him. Neither of them thought the news would go over very well, especially if it had come from Quinn. He just wasn't sure how to do it. He just couldn't find the right way to tell her. Everything he came up with sounded so stupid and he'd chicken out. He knew he couldn't just walk up and be like “Hey Berry, you know Shelby, your biological mother who pretty much asked you to leave her alone and said that she wanted nothing to do with you? Well, Quinn and I just let her adopt our shiny new baby.” So naturally he'd been avoiding telling her. He thought he'd have a little more time. He hadn't anticipated Quinn being a total bitch and jumping the gun. He should have known better. He really should have.
There were tears on Rachel's cheek and before he could think of a good enough reason not to, he reached up to wipe them away. He frowned when she slapped his hand away from her face. He opened his mouth to tell her he was sorry, so very sorry, that she had to find out like this, but before he could Shuester's in the room.
“Everyone take your seats, please.”
Rachel moved mechanically across the room, not sparing him another glance. He'd expected her to take the empty seat next to Finn, but she surprised him by taking the only other empty seat, next to Kurt.
It occurred to him that Finn must have been the one who told her. He could tell her avoidance bothered Finn, but after the way Finn had treated her when she told him the truth about Beth's paternity, Puck figured Finn deserved it. He'd sure as hell shot the messenger, so why shouldn't she.
Glee passed by slowly. Rachel never sang a note.