Each Straw
This is silly and childish of me, I know, but it definitely feels like a gigantic "fuck you" to my face when people make it seem like the second Messiah when, for example, someone at my house is making dinner, when I spend time doing the same thing for everyone about 4-5 nights out of 7.
Wow thanks, guys, now I feel so underappreciated.
But see that's not the thing that I'd get upset over.
I get upset over the fact that I spent pretty much the whole day cleaning the kitchen yesterday because some of you can't even be bothered to wash your own goddamn dishes and it fucking pisses me off. None of the rest of us have the right to clutter up the sink and the drainboard but some of you seem to think that you're just holier than all and somehow you can get away without washing your mug from three nights ago.
And of course I was studying while I cleaned the kitchen AND made dinner and none of you gave a shit then, but OMG someone ELSE is cooking dinner so that means let's take all the pictures and be all happy because it's some big fucking spectacular event. While all of you guys pretty much studied undisturbed in your rooms, okay, I was trying to get stuff done because there was no way I'd get it done this week and I felt bad that all of us were using such a filthy kitchen. I had to study too, you know. I also have group projects to worry about, and more midterms, and other shit that I keep pushing aside because I want to try to make people happy.
Thanks.
Because it's not like I spent all those hours cleaning the counter someone left a shitload of crumbs AND a blob of margarine on this morning. And of course I only cleaned off the stovetop so you could make a mess of it tonight with your gigantic, magnificent dinner. And I'll be very surprised if I get home back to the house tomorrow night and there are no dishes in the sink.
Sometimes I know I'm walking on eggshells around you. I don't want to get anyone upset so I try not to say anything, but you know what? Fuck all that shit that I'm doing to bend over backwards and make life easier for everyone else, because right now I'm having a really fucking hard time and no one else gives a flying fuck. So you can take your baggage and shit and shove it because I don't care, I'm probably more stressed than you are and I'm definitely getting to be just as depressed. I find that this year I'm frustrated all the time and when I'm not, I'm anxious or depressed. And I've never felt so close to giving up and pulling away and throwing everything out.
I'm envious when I get home to do work and someone tells me he had a 4 hour nap, or when I actually see him napping because it means he has time that I just don't. Whenever I crash for a nap or even when I'm sitting and writing all this crap out I feel guilty because I'm not getting my work done. I'm falling further and further behind and he teases me saying I should've spent more time studying because that's what he did while I was cooking or cleaning or desperately scrambling to get some of my other coursework completed.
And you know what? I'm also really fucking sick of the whole "ranking of friends". At first it made me uncomfortable because last year I didn't know how I should react but now it just pisses me off that you will very glibly tell someone that they're no longer number one on the friends list or whatever that shit is. You say things like, "Oh, you're no longer my most texted person" and I'm totally in the "I could seriously not care less" zone.
Then someone else talks about how rough his day's gonna be and I'm trying to sympathize, saying, "Yeah, I have an early morning tomorrow too". Don't fucking tell me "that's cute" because you have one rough 6AM to 4AM-the-next-day Friday because I'm so tired right now I wish I could crawl into bed and never have to wake up ever again. I have most days where I get up at 7AM, I'm in classes all day and working until 11PM, I feel terrible about sneaking naps in here and there just to keep me awake through the rest of the day, then I'm up until 3AM trying to catch up on everything and failing because I just can't get everything done. So yeah, you have one day that's difficult because it's once in a blue moon and I've been attempting to survive the last two months like this.
The most awful thing is that you guys are my friends. Or at least, supposed to be. I know I care about you and you care about me but now it seems like some twisted, demented thing. I care about you enough that when I'm thinking these thoughts about you I feel so terrible I end up guilting myself into doing whatever it was that you didn't because it pissed me off to the point that I thought so ill of you. But it makes me wonder why you don't care enough about me to respect our shared space, respect the shit that I have to do, respect the fact that maybe I'm not as intact on the inside as I usually appear. You guys constantly worry about so-and-so and so-and-so because they have rough days, but I guess I've had too many long weeks for me to blame it on that and it's sad to think that what I'm feeling right now is my norm and maybe I'll never get out of it.
Honestly, when I had to go see a doctor for a minor infection the other day I almost wished it was something really bad so I'd have an easy out of everything I hate right now. I'm resenting my friends and I hate myself for it. I'm finding the things I used to love are becoming a chore, something I have to do that I drag myself to because it's a commitment. I'm crying myself to sleep more nights than I ever have before and I have the constant urge to throw things and make a mess because something needs to look like I do underneath my skin.
I haven't been working hard enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not making it through and it feels like everything, including the dishes you conveniently forget to do, is just making it harder. So why don't you all move on with your lives without me because I couldn't care less, really. I went through the time and effort to cook things for people and package them up in containers labelled for them but I'm tired of it now. You can deal with feeding yourself. You can deal with cleaning up after yourself. You can deal with your lack of time--with enough time to nap and play video games and not have to go to class until 11:30AM.
I just don't feel anything other than anger and sadness and a spark of contentment, every so often. I've lost interest in my studies and I don't like being here anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. And I don't even know where I'd rather be--I want to go home but I couldn't face my parents' disappointment in me, and I really don't belong anywhere else.
Last year none of this would have affected me, I'm sure. Last year I was stressed but I was okay and everything was okay.
Now I think I'd do just about anything to feel okay again.
But of course, none of you care. Why would you? You're too busy with your own shit to have any time or thought to spare about mine.
I'm glad I chose such good friends to live with this year.
Wow thanks, guys, now I feel so underappreciated.
But see that's not the thing that I'd get upset over.
I get upset over the fact that I spent pretty much the whole day cleaning the kitchen yesterday because some of you can't even be bothered to wash your own goddamn dishes and it fucking pisses me off. None of the rest of us have the right to clutter up the sink and the drainboard but some of you seem to think that you're just holier than all and somehow you can get away without washing your mug from three nights ago.
And of course I was studying while I cleaned the kitchen AND made dinner and none of you gave a shit then, but OMG someone ELSE is cooking dinner so that means let's take all the pictures and be all happy because it's some big fucking spectacular event. While all of you guys pretty much studied undisturbed in your rooms, okay, I was trying to get stuff done because there was no way I'd get it done this week and I felt bad that all of us were using such a filthy kitchen. I had to study too, you know. I also have group projects to worry about, and more midterms, and other shit that I keep pushing aside because I want to try to make people happy.
Thanks.
Because it's not like I spent all those hours cleaning the counter someone left a shitload of crumbs AND a blob of margarine on this morning. And of course I only cleaned off the stovetop so you could make a mess of it tonight with your gigantic, magnificent dinner. And I'll be very surprised if I get home back to the house tomorrow night and there are no dishes in the sink.
Sometimes I know I'm walking on eggshells around you. I don't want to get anyone upset so I try not to say anything, but you know what? Fuck all that shit that I'm doing to bend over backwards and make life easier for everyone else, because right now I'm having a really fucking hard time and no one else gives a flying fuck. So you can take your baggage and shit and shove it because I don't care, I'm probably more stressed than you are and I'm definitely getting to be just as depressed. I find that this year I'm frustrated all the time and when I'm not, I'm anxious or depressed. And I've never felt so close to giving up and pulling away and throwing everything out.
I'm envious when I get home to do work and someone tells me he had a 4 hour nap, or when I actually see him napping because it means he has time that I just don't. Whenever I crash for a nap or even when I'm sitting and writing all this crap out I feel guilty because I'm not getting my work done. I'm falling further and further behind and he teases me saying I should've spent more time studying because that's what he did while I was cooking or cleaning or desperately scrambling to get some of my other coursework completed.
And you know what? I'm also really fucking sick of the whole "ranking of friends". At first it made me uncomfortable because last year I didn't know how I should react but now it just pisses me off that you will very glibly tell someone that they're no longer number one on the friends list or whatever that shit is. You say things like, "Oh, you're no longer my most texted person" and I'm totally in the "I could seriously not care less" zone.
Then someone else talks about how rough his day's gonna be and I'm trying to sympathize, saying, "Yeah, I have an early morning tomorrow too". Don't fucking tell me "that's cute" because you have one rough 6AM to 4AM-the-next-day Friday because I'm so tired right now I wish I could crawl into bed and never have to wake up ever again. I have most days where I get up at 7AM, I'm in classes all day and working until 11PM, I feel terrible about sneaking naps in here and there just to keep me awake through the rest of the day, then I'm up until 3AM trying to catch up on everything and failing because I just can't get everything done. So yeah, you have one day that's difficult because it's once in a blue moon and I've been attempting to survive the last two months like this.
The most awful thing is that you guys are my friends. Or at least, supposed to be. I know I care about you and you care about me but now it seems like some twisted, demented thing. I care about you enough that when I'm thinking these thoughts about you I feel so terrible I end up guilting myself into doing whatever it was that you didn't because it pissed me off to the point that I thought so ill of you. But it makes me wonder why you don't care enough about me to respect our shared space, respect the shit that I have to do, respect the fact that maybe I'm not as intact on the inside as I usually appear. You guys constantly worry about so-and-so and so-and-so because they have rough days, but I guess I've had too many long weeks for me to blame it on that and it's sad to think that what I'm feeling right now is my norm and maybe I'll never get out of it.
Honestly, when I had to go see a doctor for a minor infection the other day I almost wished it was something really bad so I'd have an easy out of everything I hate right now. I'm resenting my friends and I hate myself for it. I'm finding the things I used to love are becoming a chore, something I have to do that I drag myself to because it's a commitment. I'm crying myself to sleep more nights than I ever have before and I have the constant urge to throw things and make a mess because something needs to look like I do underneath my skin.
I haven't been working hard enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not making it through and it feels like everything, including the dishes you conveniently forget to do, is just making it harder. So why don't you all move on with your lives without me because I couldn't care less, really. I went through the time and effort to cook things for people and package them up in containers labelled for them but I'm tired of it now. You can deal with feeding yourself. You can deal with cleaning up after yourself. You can deal with your lack of time--with enough time to nap and play video games and not have to go to class until 11:30AM.
I just don't feel anything other than anger and sadness and a spark of contentment, every so often. I've lost interest in my studies and I don't like being here anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. And I don't even know where I'd rather be--I want to go home but I couldn't face my parents' disappointment in me, and I really don't belong anywhere else.
Last year none of this would have affected me, I'm sure. Last year I was stressed but I was okay and everything was okay.
Now I think I'd do just about anything to feel okay again.
But of course, none of you care. Why would you? You're too busy with your own shit to have any time or thought to spare about mine.
I'm glad I chose such good friends to live with this year.