Bacon
“Are you ready to order?”
They can’t see the girl behind the counter sneering at them for wasting her time, because they’re busy staring blankly at the menu trying to figure out what they want. This goes on for a while longer, and then they decide at the same time to give the girl an answer.
In their state, the fact that they spoke at the same time was hysterical. Jongin ends up winning because Sehun can’t stop snickering. “Grand Slamwich,” Jongin manages before laughing again. This only makes Sehun laugh harder, throwing his head back and falling into Jongin’s side limply.
The girl huffs and angrily taps in Jongin’s order, then glares at Sehun. “What do you want?”
“Um... anything with bacon. With extra bacon.” Jongin snorts and Sehun gives him a helpless look. “I love bacon. Bacon is delicious.”
“Anything else?” the girl asks through gritted teeth.
“More bacon,” Sehun mumbles, and Jongin stifles his laughter unsuccessfully.
“Two extra-large Mountain Dews, please,” Jongin says, and the girl shakes her head and taps in the drink orders.
“One Grand Slamwich, two extra-large Mountain Dews, and...” She eyes Sehun. “Do you know what you want now?”
“Just a plate of bacon,” Sehun says. He thinks for a few seconds. “And just a little bit of eggs... scrambled... with ketchup on them, please.”
The girl sighs again and puts in the last item, then mumbles their total and quietly deposits their money. She gestures for them to take a seat and tells them that she’ll bring them their food when it was ready.
“I’m starving,” Sehun whines. “We’ve been waiting like an hour.”
Jongin looks at his watch. “It’s been three minutes, dumbfuck.”
“No! This would be the longest three minutes I’ve ever lived through,” Sehun said. He stared at his hands. “I’m alive, right?”
Jongin breathes hard through his nose, trying to subdue laughter, but it comes bubbling out anyway. Sehun sinks down in his seat, eyes hooded and a lazy smile on his face.
I can't wait to eat," Sehun says with a joyful lilt in his voice. "Food is good. Food when you're high is good. I think I'll cry when the food comes."
Jongin replies with an "Amen to that" and then they wait, stuck somewhere between falling asleep and wanting to go into the kitchen and make their food on their own.
“Here’s your food,” their server from earlier says, putting down their plates and then their drinks. Before she can even place their straws, Sehun’s digging into his plate of bacon with his hands, gobbling slices first then eating them slowly as if savoring the taste.
“Do you ever think about how amazing bacon is?” Sehun says as he admires the strip between his fingers. “I think bacon is God.”
“Mm-hmm,” Jongin, mouth full, mumbles in agreement, along with an exaggerated nod.
“Like, think about it, dude. Bacon... it’s, like... from a pig. Pigs play in mud and their own shit but they taste so good... I wonder if it’s the mud and shit that makes pigs taste good. What if it’s some kind of conspiracy, like they tell us that mud is gross and you shouldn’t eat your own shit but really, when you combine them, you get some kind of superfood... dude, we need to try that. We’d be fucking rich.”
Jongin yaws at his Grand Slamwich, then stares down at it. “This sandwich is goddamn huge. I’ve been eating it forever and it won’t go away.”
“You only took one bite,” Sehun says incredulously, and then he dissolves into laughter again. Other diners glare at them as Sehun whoops and slaps his hands on the table.
Jongin shrugs and keeps chewing. “I don’t get it.”
Sehun only uses his fork when it comes time to shovel the eggs into his mouth. “What if bacon really was God? What if people are really praying to a slice of pork meat? Wouldn’t that be funny as shit?”
“How can God be bacon,” Jongin deadpans, finally swallowing and taking another bite of his sandwich.
“God can be bacon because bacon is... fucking divine,” Sehun says. “Bacon cures everything. Hungry? Eat some bacon. Mad at a pig? Kill the pig, slice it up, and eat some bacon. I bet the Garden of Eden was made of bacon. I wouldn’t blame Eve for being tempted to eat the fucking bacon because I’d do the same damn thing.”
Jongin has no response and Sehun falls silent, focusing on his bacon. Sehun starts in on his drink, sucking the soda up through the straw, only to choke on it and sent it coming out of his nose. “God fucking damn it,” Jongin remarks, and Sehun finds this hilarious enough that he slams his face into the table and his regurgitated soda and laughs until he can’t breathe.
Sehun’s still laughing when Jongin finishes his sandwich, and by that point Jongin doesn’t even know what Sehun’s laughing at. “You’re a fucking chimp,” Jongin says as he takes a few gulps of his soda.
“Wh-what?” Sehun asks between giggles.
“What are you even laughing at?” Jongin asks.
Sehun looks puzzled but he’s still laughing. “I don’t know but it’s fucking hilarious,” he says. “I closed my eyes and saw, like, those Oompa Loompas from that chocolate factory movie, and they were dipping bacon in chocolate. I was like, why would you ever do that but then I tasted it and bro. Bro.”
Now it’s Jongin’s turn to screech with laughter, and Sehun joins him. Not too long after, a tall, imposing man stalks over to their table and slams down his hand.
“You boys need to leave,” he says sternly.
“Can I at least finish my bacon first?” Sehun asks, and Jongin cusses and grabs his stomach when he starts on a new batch of laughter.
The man’s face says it all: Sehun can’t finish his bacon. They need to leave immediately.
And so they do, munchies sated, laughing all the way back home.
Because sometimes you just need some crack.
Wrote this for Kimmy <3333