Firsts (and some Not-Firsts)
Title: Firsts (and some Not-Firsts)
Pairing: Daehyun/Youngjae
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2.3k
Summary: Every relationship has its firsts. These are some of Daehyun and Youngjae's.
A/N: originally prompted at my ask.fm as "daejae first everything"
Daehyun is nervous. He has every right to be; he is a country boy in a big city, an intruder on the bonds of a group that had already formed.
He bows way too many times to Yongguk, his leader, and tries not to be intimidated by Himchan's good looks. The two are both brief in their greetings, maybe even a little cold, but they're not unfriendly either. Daehyun breathes a little easier when Yongguk gives him a small, encouraging nod and smile.
Jongup and Junhong are both respectful, and he wonders if he'd ever be able to become their hyung.
Daehyun is most nervous about Youngjae, knowing that he'd be taking singing parts away from him. He's come prepared, steeling himself for an antagonistic rivalry, but that never happens. Instead, he's welcomed with a wide smile, a thank you, and the hope that comes with a new friendship.
It's the first time they meet, and Daehyun is so grateful he could cry.
*
The first time it happens Youngjae doesn't expect it at all. He blinks up in disbelief up at Daehyun. He's still on the floor after Daehyun had kicked away his chair, and he opens and closes his mouth a few times. Daehyun is trying to hold in his laughter but fails.
Soon Youngjae is joining him in his laughter, after tugging viciously at Daehyun's pant leg and bringing him down too.
Grinning at each other, they realize it's the first time they feel comfortable enough to prank each other without fear of hurting their friendship. It's the first time they understand they have a friendship.
*
"Youngjae, they aired it!" Daehyun is angry. Well, he's not angry exactly, it's more a combination of mortification, betrayal, and helplessness, but it's easier to just let that out as anger.
"What?" Youngjae looks up from the iPad, confused.
"The video you took in Singapore," Daehyun rages. "Where I'm half naked?"
Youngjae grins at him. "You probably made a ton of fans happy."
"I'm not Jonguppie," Daehyun says, still a bit hysterical.
"You have a nice upper body," Youngjae says, rolling his eyes. That small gesture hurts Daehyun more than he can explain.
"And that's not for fans to see." Daehyun stalks out of the room, making sure to slam the door on his way out. He hopes Youngjae has that dumb look on his face when he's bewildered because now he's actually angry at Youngjae.
Daehyun refuses to talk to Youngjae until he figures out why.
It's their first real fight.
*
Daehyun's like a cornered animal nursing his wounds, baring his fangs and raising his hackles every time Youngjae comes near. Youngjae is smart and he knows he's done something wrong-in fact, everybody knows he's done something wrong, given Daehyun's mastery of subtlety-but he doesn't understand what.
Youngjae climbs into Daehyun's bed one night when the younger ones have fallen asleep and the hyungs are still out. "I'm really, really sorry for whatever I did, okay?"
Daehyun's silent back remains turned towards him.
"I'm sorry I don't know what I did, but if you don't tell me, I'll never know." Youngjae sighs, trying to find the right words to apologize. "I'm sorry I'm not smart enough to figure out. Can you help me, please?"
He lets Daehyun consider for a moment. Daehyun turns on his back. "You know I'm insecure about my body." It's a statement, but it's a start.
Youngjae nods, not that Daehyun can see it in the dark. He doesn't think Daehyun has any need to be insecure, but now is not the best time to tell him that.
"When I'm like that in front of you, it's cause I trust you." Youngjae swallows as he makes sense of Daehyun's words. He doesn't deserve that trust and now Daehyun's laying himself bare before him again.
"Sorry," he whispers, and can't say anything else. He considers giving Daehyun a reassuring squeeze, or a hug, or anything, but he doesn't know how. He touches Daehyun's arm awkwardly, hoping that Daehyun would get his message.
He starts to sit up to climb back to his own bed, but Daehyun's hand around his wrist stops him. "It's okay," Daehyun murmurs, closing his eyes.
Youngjae lies back down, staring into the darkness of the room. He stays awake while Daehyun falls asleep. He stays even though Daehyun's grip around his wrist had loosened.
It's the first time they've made up, and Youngjae doesn't fall asleep until the excitement of discovering a hidden side to Daehyun fades into a quiet joy.
*
Daehyun doesn't notice he's glowering at Himchan until Jongup tells him his face looks funny. He has long forgotten about the iPad on his lap, distracted by how Himchan was making Youngjae laugh his dumb old-man laugh.
Daehyun laughs too loudly at Jongup's imitation of his face and tries to push away the twinge of jealousy in his chest.
It's the first time Daehyun wants to be the only one to make Youngjae laugh.
*
It's warm, comfortable, and Youngjae feels so good cocooned in the fluffy down blankets that he never wants to wake up. That's why his guard is down when he hears it softly in his ear.
"Youngjae-ah." The voice is quiet, soothing, and washes over him like the ebb of the Taiwan ocean they got to see yesterday.
"Mm," he sighs, turning towards the voice and burying his face into something warm.
"Youngjae." He hears it in his ear again, the slight tickle of breath across his cheek.
Taking a deep breath, Youngjae squeezes his eyes shut.
"Are you awake?" The soft, slightly fuzzy thing his nose and lips are smushed against vibrates with the slightly raised tone of voice. Youngjae opens his eyes, still muddled by sleep.
Bright round eyes greet him when he looks up. The first thing he realizes is that they're huge. The second thing he realizes is that they're huge because they're inches from his own. The third thing he realizes is that he is drooling on Daehyun's neck.
"Hurry up and get dressed so we can go explore," Daehyun says in his normal obnoxiously loud voice and sits up on the bed, as Youngjae chokes down a shout of surprise.
"Urghmmf" Youngjae groans as he turns his face into the pillow. At least he's awake now. His heart is racing wildly and it might not be because of the scare.
It's the first time Youngjae realizes that Daehyun makes his heart beat erratically.
*
Youngjae seems normal after the Chocopie incident. From the outside, at least. But as far as Daehyun can tell, he's being avoided like the plague.
There's not much time to figure things out when cameras are rolling, but before they settle into the tents Daehyun manages to slip away under the guise of brushing his teeth, dragging Youngjae along with him into their bus. "Stop ignoring me," Daehyun cuts to the chase. There's not much time.
"I'm not ignoring you," Youngjae says, avoiding Daehyun's eyes.
"Yes you are," Daehyun says. He leaves no room for argument. "You're still weirded out by the snack game."
"So what if I am?" Youngjae flinches away from Daehyun's grasp. "So what if my gut reaction to things trying to eat me is running away?"
"It was the cookie I was trying to eat," Daehyun protests at the slight jab.
Youngjae groans. "I've never kissed anyone, okay?" He keeps trying to get around Daehyun but the bus is narrow.
"It's just between guys," Daehyun says. "That's not a kiss." It's not strictly true, Daehyun thinks. Making lip contact with Youngjae would be much different from what it was like with Yongguk, but that's not the point. He just wants things to be normal between them.
Youngjae is silent. His eyes flick between Daehyun, the door, and their bags that contain their toothbrushes. He doesn't go out the door, which is a good sign, but he doesn't say anything either. He sits down and starts fiddling with things. His fingers, his bag, the plush seat covers.
Daehyun is not a patient person, but he is extremely proud of how quietly he waits for Youngjae to answer. In reality, he probably didn't wait very long, but it felt like an eternity.
"I don't think..." Youngjae keeps sighing and blinking and Daehyun has to restrain himself from saying something dumb, like "I know you don't" or something. "I don't think you're just a guy, Daehyun," he finally says, resignedly.
Daehyun's breath catches and his heart inexplicably starts racing. He settles in the seat across from Youngjae. Youngjae's not even looking at him. He's fixated on the patterns on the seat cover. "Look at me," Daehyun says, lowering his voice. Youngjae shakes his head.
Fighting the urge to make a sarcastic noise, Daehyun reaches out slowly. His hands are probably grossly sticky with the sweat that's suddenly decided to appear on them, but Youngjae won't care. Hopefully. He cups Youngjae's jaw with his sweaty hands, in the same way as during the snack game, except much gentler this time.
Youngjae doesn't pull back this time. He finally looks at Daehyun. He gives an imperceptible nod and Daehyun tries not to have a heart attack.
Daehyun's kissed a girl before, but it's nothing like kissing Youngjae. Youngjae's stiff at first, but he relaxes into the kiss and puts his hands on Daehyun's neck. They're barely touching at first, but soon Daehyun's digging deeper, maneuvering around awkward teeth bumping, drinking in Youngjae's scent.
He pulls back a little, not separating the contact completely, but it's enough to draw an unsatisfied whine out of Youngjae. It makes him want to tackle Youngjae into the seat cushion and kiss him harder. He's already standing, pushing Youngjae back, when the bus door slides open.
Youngjae ends up thrown into the cushions anyways, as Daehyun scrambles into a standing position. "Hey hyung, do you have my bag?" Junhong asks. He pauses, taking in the scene, and frowns. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, Youngjae was having trouble with his contacts so I was helping him take them out." Daehyun is never more thankful for his fraud-level-99 mouth. "Wasn't I?" He jabs Youngjae in the stomach.
"Ah, yeah," Youngjae says with a spasm, sitting up and covering his eye with his hand. "It's all good now."
Daehyun grabs Youngjae's hand, and drags him past Junhong. "Good night, Junhong."
It's not until they're off the bus and Daehyun lets go of Youngjae's hand that he realizes it's just as sweaty as his. He takes a hold of it again.
When they tuck into their sleeping bags, Daehyun's incredibly grateful for the stroke of luck that put them in the same tent. Himchan's knocked out fast and Daehyun scoots closer to Youngjae. Jamming his face into the space between Youngjae's ear and neck, he sighs contentedly and goes to sleep. He goes to sleep thinking of everything Youngjae.
There are many firsts that night. It isn't Daehyun's first kiss, but it's their first kiss and that's what mattered. It's not the first time they experience those feelings, but it's the first time they find out they're mutual. It isn't the first time they shared a secret, but it's the first time they hide something important from the others.
It's also the first time Daehyun realizes that Youngjae makes his heart burst.
*
Everyone laughs and claps Youngjae on the back when they see the success of the take. "You're really good at acting," Himchan says, and Youngjae smiles bashfully at the praise.
Nobody notices Daehyun at first. He's still staring at the screen, paused on Youngjae, midfall. "Hyung, are you crying?" Jongup asks.
Yongguk doesn't know what to do and Himchan fusses over him. "Are you tired? Stressed?"
"Hungry," Daehyun mutters, scrubbing the tears from his eyes. "Sorry."
Youngjae doesn't ask about it until they're alone. Daehyun wasn't that great at lying, to Youngjae at least.
"It looked real," Daehyun says, his throat tightening again at remembering. "Like you were actually dead."
"I'm still here," Youngjae says quietly, finding and squeezing Daehyun's hand with his own. There's a calming comfort in that.
Daehyun squeezes back and they sit in silence. "That's good," is all he says.
The next morning he's all smiles and jokes again, but neither of them forget.
It's the first time Daehyun's cried on Youngjae's account, after all.
*
Daehyun says it first. It's natural, of course, not forced. Daehyun makes everything seem natural.
Those words make Youngjae happy, the warm, homey kind of happy that wraps around him like a protective blanket. He doesn't return the words without thinking about them, but he doesn't have to think for long. They've been on the top of his mind for a while.
It's the first time they tell each other. "I love you."
*
The hand-holding, the late-night heart-to-hearts, the stolen kisses-none of that is new anymore. There are less sweaty palms, less stumbles over tied tongues, less nervous excitement and more comfortable ease, but everything is as precious a memory as it was the first time.
They fall asleep on the couch after staying up too late just talking.
As Daehyun drifts to sleep, cheek pressed into the top of Youngjae's head, he vaguely remembers that this is the first time he hasn't fallen asleep in bed on purpose.
He slips into unconsciousness with a smile into Youngjae's hair and a tiny but inextinguishable flame of hope that they would experience all the rest of their firsts together, and then some more.
what's unfortunately (?) the first that is not in this fic cause I CAN'T WRITE IT: "hot (?!) night with Daehyun"
ahahaha Daejae ♥
Pairing: Daehyun/Youngjae
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2.3k
Summary: Every relationship has its firsts. These are some of Daehyun and Youngjae's.
A/N: originally prompted at my ask.fm as "daejae first everything"
Daehyun is nervous. He has every right to be; he is a country boy in a big city, an intruder on the bonds of a group that had already formed.
He bows way too many times to Yongguk, his leader, and tries not to be intimidated by Himchan's good looks. The two are both brief in their greetings, maybe even a little cold, but they're not unfriendly either. Daehyun breathes a little easier when Yongguk gives him a small, encouraging nod and smile.
Jongup and Junhong are both respectful, and he wonders if he'd ever be able to become their hyung.
Daehyun is most nervous about Youngjae, knowing that he'd be taking singing parts away from him. He's come prepared, steeling himself for an antagonistic rivalry, but that never happens. Instead, he's welcomed with a wide smile, a thank you, and the hope that comes with a new friendship.
It's the first time they meet, and Daehyun is so grateful he could cry.
*
The first time it happens Youngjae doesn't expect it at all. He blinks up in disbelief up at Daehyun. He's still on the floor after Daehyun had kicked away his chair, and he opens and closes his mouth a few times. Daehyun is trying to hold in his laughter but fails.
Soon Youngjae is joining him in his laughter, after tugging viciously at Daehyun's pant leg and bringing him down too.
Grinning at each other, they realize it's the first time they feel comfortable enough to prank each other without fear of hurting their friendship. It's the first time they understand they have a friendship.
*
"Youngjae, they aired it!" Daehyun is angry. Well, he's not angry exactly, it's more a combination of mortification, betrayal, and helplessness, but it's easier to just let that out as anger.
"What?" Youngjae looks up from the iPad, confused.
"The video you took in Singapore," Daehyun rages. "Where I'm half naked?"
Youngjae grins at him. "You probably made a ton of fans happy."
"I'm not Jonguppie," Daehyun says, still a bit hysterical.
"You have a nice upper body," Youngjae says, rolling his eyes. That small gesture hurts Daehyun more than he can explain.
"And that's not for fans to see." Daehyun stalks out of the room, making sure to slam the door on his way out. He hopes Youngjae has that dumb look on his face when he's bewildered because now he's actually angry at Youngjae.
Daehyun refuses to talk to Youngjae until he figures out why.
It's their first real fight.
*
Daehyun's like a cornered animal nursing his wounds, baring his fangs and raising his hackles every time Youngjae comes near. Youngjae is smart and he knows he's done something wrong-in fact, everybody knows he's done something wrong, given Daehyun's mastery of subtlety-but he doesn't understand what.
Youngjae climbs into Daehyun's bed one night when the younger ones have fallen asleep and the hyungs are still out. "I'm really, really sorry for whatever I did, okay?"
Daehyun's silent back remains turned towards him.
"I'm sorry I don't know what I did, but if you don't tell me, I'll never know." Youngjae sighs, trying to find the right words to apologize. "I'm sorry I'm not smart enough to figure out. Can you help me, please?"
He lets Daehyun consider for a moment. Daehyun turns on his back. "You know I'm insecure about my body." It's a statement, but it's a start.
Youngjae nods, not that Daehyun can see it in the dark. He doesn't think Daehyun has any need to be insecure, but now is not the best time to tell him that.
"When I'm like that in front of you, it's cause I trust you." Youngjae swallows as he makes sense of Daehyun's words. He doesn't deserve that trust and now Daehyun's laying himself bare before him again.
"Sorry," he whispers, and can't say anything else. He considers giving Daehyun a reassuring squeeze, or a hug, or anything, but he doesn't know how. He touches Daehyun's arm awkwardly, hoping that Daehyun would get his message.
He starts to sit up to climb back to his own bed, but Daehyun's hand around his wrist stops him. "It's okay," Daehyun murmurs, closing his eyes.
Youngjae lies back down, staring into the darkness of the room. He stays awake while Daehyun falls asleep. He stays even though Daehyun's grip around his wrist had loosened.
It's the first time they've made up, and Youngjae doesn't fall asleep until the excitement of discovering a hidden side to Daehyun fades into a quiet joy.
*
Daehyun doesn't notice he's glowering at Himchan until Jongup tells him his face looks funny. He has long forgotten about the iPad on his lap, distracted by how Himchan was making Youngjae laugh his dumb old-man laugh.
Daehyun laughs too loudly at Jongup's imitation of his face and tries to push away the twinge of jealousy in his chest.
It's the first time Daehyun wants to be the only one to make Youngjae laugh.
*
It's warm, comfortable, and Youngjae feels so good cocooned in the fluffy down blankets that he never wants to wake up. That's why his guard is down when he hears it softly in his ear.
"Youngjae-ah." The voice is quiet, soothing, and washes over him like the ebb of the Taiwan ocean they got to see yesterday.
"Mm," he sighs, turning towards the voice and burying his face into something warm.
"Youngjae." He hears it in his ear again, the slight tickle of breath across his cheek.
Taking a deep breath, Youngjae squeezes his eyes shut.
"Are you awake?" The soft, slightly fuzzy thing his nose and lips are smushed against vibrates with the slightly raised tone of voice. Youngjae opens his eyes, still muddled by sleep.
Bright round eyes greet him when he looks up. The first thing he realizes is that they're huge. The second thing he realizes is that they're huge because they're inches from his own. The third thing he realizes is that he is drooling on Daehyun's neck.
"Hurry up and get dressed so we can go explore," Daehyun says in his normal obnoxiously loud voice and sits up on the bed, as Youngjae chokes down a shout of surprise.
"Urghmmf" Youngjae groans as he turns his face into the pillow. At least he's awake now. His heart is racing wildly and it might not be because of the scare.
It's the first time Youngjae realizes that Daehyun makes his heart beat erratically.
*
Youngjae seems normal after the Chocopie incident. From the outside, at least. But as far as Daehyun can tell, he's being avoided like the plague.
There's not much time to figure things out when cameras are rolling, but before they settle into the tents Daehyun manages to slip away under the guise of brushing his teeth, dragging Youngjae along with him into their bus. "Stop ignoring me," Daehyun cuts to the chase. There's not much time.
"I'm not ignoring you," Youngjae says, avoiding Daehyun's eyes.
"Yes you are," Daehyun says. He leaves no room for argument. "You're still weirded out by the snack game."
"So what if I am?" Youngjae flinches away from Daehyun's grasp. "So what if my gut reaction to things trying to eat me is running away?"
"It was the cookie I was trying to eat," Daehyun protests at the slight jab.
Youngjae groans. "I've never kissed anyone, okay?" He keeps trying to get around Daehyun but the bus is narrow.
"It's just between guys," Daehyun says. "That's not a kiss." It's not strictly true, Daehyun thinks. Making lip contact with Youngjae would be much different from what it was like with Yongguk, but that's not the point. He just wants things to be normal between them.
Youngjae is silent. His eyes flick between Daehyun, the door, and their bags that contain their toothbrushes. He doesn't go out the door, which is a good sign, but he doesn't say anything either. He sits down and starts fiddling with things. His fingers, his bag, the plush seat covers.
Daehyun is not a patient person, but he is extremely proud of how quietly he waits for Youngjae to answer. In reality, he probably didn't wait very long, but it felt like an eternity.
"I don't think..." Youngjae keeps sighing and blinking and Daehyun has to restrain himself from saying something dumb, like "I know you don't" or something. "I don't think you're just a guy, Daehyun," he finally says, resignedly.
Daehyun's breath catches and his heart inexplicably starts racing. He settles in the seat across from Youngjae. Youngjae's not even looking at him. He's fixated on the patterns on the seat cover. "Look at me," Daehyun says, lowering his voice. Youngjae shakes his head.
Fighting the urge to make a sarcastic noise, Daehyun reaches out slowly. His hands are probably grossly sticky with the sweat that's suddenly decided to appear on them, but Youngjae won't care. Hopefully. He cups Youngjae's jaw with his sweaty hands, in the same way as during the snack game, except much gentler this time.
Youngjae doesn't pull back this time. He finally looks at Daehyun. He gives an imperceptible nod and Daehyun tries not to have a heart attack.
Daehyun's kissed a girl before, but it's nothing like kissing Youngjae. Youngjae's stiff at first, but he relaxes into the kiss and puts his hands on Daehyun's neck. They're barely touching at first, but soon Daehyun's digging deeper, maneuvering around awkward teeth bumping, drinking in Youngjae's scent.
He pulls back a little, not separating the contact completely, but it's enough to draw an unsatisfied whine out of Youngjae. It makes him want to tackle Youngjae into the seat cushion and kiss him harder. He's already standing, pushing Youngjae back, when the bus door slides open.
Youngjae ends up thrown into the cushions anyways, as Daehyun scrambles into a standing position. "Hey hyung, do you have my bag?" Junhong asks. He pauses, taking in the scene, and frowns. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, Youngjae was having trouble with his contacts so I was helping him take them out." Daehyun is never more thankful for his fraud-level-99 mouth. "Wasn't I?" He jabs Youngjae in the stomach.
"Ah, yeah," Youngjae says with a spasm, sitting up and covering his eye with his hand. "It's all good now."
Daehyun grabs Youngjae's hand, and drags him past Junhong. "Good night, Junhong."
It's not until they're off the bus and Daehyun lets go of Youngjae's hand that he realizes it's just as sweaty as his. He takes a hold of it again.
When they tuck into their sleeping bags, Daehyun's incredibly grateful for the stroke of luck that put them in the same tent. Himchan's knocked out fast and Daehyun scoots closer to Youngjae. Jamming his face into the space between Youngjae's ear and neck, he sighs contentedly and goes to sleep. He goes to sleep thinking of everything Youngjae.
There are many firsts that night. It isn't Daehyun's first kiss, but it's their first kiss and that's what mattered. It's not the first time they experience those feelings, but it's the first time they find out they're mutual. It isn't the first time they shared a secret, but it's the first time they hide something important from the others.
It's also the first time Daehyun realizes that Youngjae makes his heart burst.
*
Everyone laughs and claps Youngjae on the back when they see the success of the take. "You're really good at acting," Himchan says, and Youngjae smiles bashfully at the praise.
Nobody notices Daehyun at first. He's still staring at the screen, paused on Youngjae, midfall. "Hyung, are you crying?" Jongup asks.
Yongguk doesn't know what to do and Himchan fusses over him. "Are you tired? Stressed?"
"Hungry," Daehyun mutters, scrubbing the tears from his eyes. "Sorry."
Youngjae doesn't ask about it until they're alone. Daehyun wasn't that great at lying, to Youngjae at least.
"It looked real," Daehyun says, his throat tightening again at remembering. "Like you were actually dead."
"I'm still here," Youngjae says quietly, finding and squeezing Daehyun's hand with his own. There's a calming comfort in that.
Daehyun squeezes back and they sit in silence. "That's good," is all he says.
The next morning he's all smiles and jokes again, but neither of them forget.
It's the first time Daehyun's cried on Youngjae's account, after all.
*
Daehyun says it first. It's natural, of course, not forced. Daehyun makes everything seem natural.
Those words make Youngjae happy, the warm, homey kind of happy that wraps around him like a protective blanket. He doesn't return the words without thinking about them, but he doesn't have to think for long. They've been on the top of his mind for a while.
It's the first time they tell each other. "I love you."
*
The hand-holding, the late-night heart-to-hearts, the stolen kisses-none of that is new anymore. There are less sweaty palms, less stumbles over tied tongues, less nervous excitement and more comfortable ease, but everything is as precious a memory as it was the first time.
They fall asleep on the couch after staying up too late just talking.
As Daehyun drifts to sleep, cheek pressed into the top of Youngjae's head, he vaguely remembers that this is the first time he hasn't fallen asleep in bed on purpose.
He slips into unconsciousness with a smile into Youngjae's hair and a tiny but inextinguishable flame of hope that they would experience all the rest of their firsts together, and then some more.
what's unfortunately (?) the first that is not in this fic cause I CAN'T WRITE IT: "hot (?!) night with Daehyun"
ahahaha Daejae ♥