(Untitled)

[stoic_angel_]

I jolted awake, realizing I had fallen asleep, despite my promises I'd stay awake... damnI sat up, and listened to the hotel around me; silent. I couldn't hear anyone talking, even though last I remembered, I could hear Cordelia and Faith talking... I didn't think Faith would have run; not the way she had been the night before. Not to mention, I

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[wickedslayer]

I was sort of sleeping. Laying in bed and desperately wishing sleep would just fall over me. It was better than the alternative. The staying awake and thinking about things, thinking about all the shit that was swirling in my brain threatening to take me right back over the edge. It would just be so easy. Could kill Cordy while she was sleeping, so at least I wouldn't have to see the look on her face. Find a knife and slit her throat right where she lay. Could stake Angel. Sure he kicked my ass good and proper the first time around but let's be honest. I wanted him to. Wanted to be spanked like the bad little girl I was. And Wes? Well, maybe I'd leave him alone. He wasn't at the hotel anyway, and I'd done enough damage to last a lifetime

[stoic_angel_]

"Faith, it's me," I said. "Can I come in?" I glanced around the hallway. I couldn't hear anything from inside her room, and wondered if she had just been laying there, thinking, or sleeping a bit ago.

Meanwhile, though, I was still wondering where everyone else was. Usually, I couldn't sleep as late as I had; Doyle and Cordelia were usually in here, talking, laughing, and, more often than not, fighting. Despite the fact that I had to readjust my sleeping schedula a bit, I had grown used to it.

Now, since both of them weren't here, I was a little put off by the silence. It might have been because I was used to it now, or because I was wondering where both of them were; I wasn't quite sure myself.

[wickedslayer]

Soul Boy. I was almost sure he'd been avoiding me now. Even Cor who I'd kept chained up to a pipe for days was all about my ass stayin' here. Maybe Angel just didn't know how to deal with slayer. Oh wait, that didn't exactly work either now did it? I mean, he was B's ex meat. Wonder why they broke up. Wonder if she hurt him. None of my business, right? Buffy always made it wicked clear that her and Angel were none of mine.

"Yeah sure." I said quietly, knowing that vamp hearing was gonna let him hear me anyway. Damn vampire senses. Why didn't slayers get super strong senses like that? Might make killin' demons easier.

Or just killing in general.

I looked up as the looming figure of Angel appeared in the darkened doorway of my room. What did he want anyway? Making sure I hadn't killed anyone since I been here?

"Hey." I said morosely, turning my head so I was looking anywhere but at him.

[stoic_angel_]

I stepped into her room quietly, reaching for the light and turning it on. Then I saw Faith on the bed, sprawled out and pointedly looking everywhere but at me.

"Hey," I replied. Then, I asked, "You okay?" I looked around the room, seeing how nothing had been touched; it didn't look as if she had slept much, if at all, and she hadn't touched anything else.

"Faith." I said, sitting on a chair, facing her. "Talk to me." Inwardly, I winced. Yeah, she was going to just open up to me, because we were such good friends. But hopefully, she would talk to me... only way I could know what she was thinking, and try to help her through this. I knew most of where she was coming from, but there were some key differences... hopefully she could try me, and...

And what? a little voice whispered. You can try and become bestest buddies with her? Like she;'s going to trust you that much? After all, you tried to help her once, and failed her... then, you had to follow along with Buffy, who made it clear that she didn't quite accept Faith.

[stoic_angel_]

"You don't have to do what I do, Faith. There are other ways." I watched her as she retreated, and I sat back down in my chair. Glancing at my hands in my lap, I paused

[wickedslayer]

Could the hairgel king get any more cryptic? He wasn't makin' a ton of sense, or maybe that was because I didn't want him to. I wanted to push him out of my mind so that there was only one option, and I really couldn't be blamed if there was only one option right? He just made it seem so easy. Make the choice, and once you make the choice you just stick to it and that's it. But there was so much more than that. How the hell was I supposed to make a choice to change, and go with it. Knowing that they all knew I was a killer deep down inside. The darkness ate at me and it felt so raw inside, I wasn't sure I could scratch my way back up to the surface again

[stoic_angel_]

"If that's what you want to call it," I shrugged. I didn't think it was redemption... it was a way for me to keep from going insane, a way to prove that... I was different.

I was trying to make it up to the people I had killed and hurt, but I knew I never really could. There was no reward in this for me; I would never make it up, taking all those lives... but I could help others. I could save others from suddering the same things that my victims all had.

"You have a choice, Faith. You ca never make things right... and neither can I." I glanced away, instead rising from my chair. "But you can start trying to do the right thing."

I glanced at Faith, who looked confused. "You understand what I'm trying to tell you?" I asked. Damn... I had thought I was making sense, but... maybe I had been wrong. Maybe I had just thrown her even deeper into confusion... wouldn't be surprised.

[wickedslayer]

"You're trying to tell me I can be like you." I shot back at him, and yeah yeah I got it I did. Try and do the right thing, sure. It's not like that was easy. Fuck, I didn't even know what the right thing to do was most of the time. I didn't think I could be like Angel, it was too hard. It would be so much easier to just curl up and die on that bed and just be done with it. Then they wouldn't have to worry about the insane slayer anymore

[stoic_angel_]

I turned around to see Faith, backing further into the room, looking pissed.

"England?" I asked, confused. "What does England have to do with anything?" I looked at her, concerned, and added, frowning, "And I'm not all buddy-buddy with the Watchers. I seem to remember them trying to let me die." I looked out in the hallway again, regretting my words. Great; bring up another touchy area with Faith, so she can remember how she shot me, so I would die. Just... a smart move, really.

"There are no Watchers here, Faith," I said with a sigh. "I think... I thought it was something else." I turned back to Faith, and ran my hand through my hair.

"Now, why would Watchers be here to take you to England?" I asked. "I mean, do they even know you're..." I gestured, "Awake?"

[wickedslayer]

I snorted when he pulled the innocent act on me. Fucking watchers, they had their way to manipulate everyone and anyone. Deep down I felt that hatred for Wes start to build it's way back up again. The way him and his pals just snagged me from Angel's pad and tried to drag my ass kicking and screaming back to England. Who the hell even knew what they'd do with me once they had me there. Probably fuck my shit up, royally.

"They're watchers, they fucking know everything." I mean I woke up from a state hospital, and sure the Mayor had paid for me to be cared for there but I was sure the watcher's council had their foot in the door somewhere. That's what they lived for. Pricks.

Relaxing my posture a little bit, I tried to look like I was just chillin'. Bein' chill was so fucking far out of my reach I could barely stand it. Felt like I was walking on a plate of glass and every step I took I just fell right through and made my ankles bleed. This was fucked. The whole thing was fucked, and I had no where else to go. This was the last stop.

[stoic_angel_]

I watched as Faith tried to relax, but I could still see the tension in her muscles; she was far from relaxed. I raised an eyebrow, and glanced at her.

"Watchers don't know everything, Faith," I said quietly. I didn't add on to that; she should know that herself... no one knew everything. That'd be... just scary.

I glanced at Faith again, and sighed. "What are you so tense about? Are you... going to leave?" I asked, confused. I had thought she was going to stay, but I couldn't force her...

"There are no Watchers here..." I reiterated, though, having nothing else to say.

[wickedslayer]

"I'm tense...because...." Well did I really need to explain it to him? Sometimes he was just wicked slow. I was tense because I was freakin' out and there didn't seem to be anything I could do about it, except freak out some more. How did I know the watcher's council weren't already here whether Angel called them or not. They probably already knew I woke up out of that coma. I was their weapon, they were going to come and collect their property sooner or later. At least they would try to.

"I'm not gonna leave." I finally said sullenly, letting my shoulders drop down in almost defeat. "I got nowhere else to go."

I was just....lost. Didn't know what to do, where to go, how to get rid of the fucking faces in my head that wouldn't stop haunting me. "How do you deal with all of.....this?" I finally asked him. He would know. He killed lots of people before.