Therapy (Part 2)
KiJoon is a good guy, really. But he used to be into drugs. At first, I shrugged it off because hey, the dude fed me and gave me a bed to sleep on and I owed him a huge thank you someday.
He should have been in his second year of high school. He came from Jeju but ran away from home. (I know, I’m kinda WTF-ing that too…) He wanted to start over and meant to get a job and go back to school, but he never got around to it. He had found this shack that was no longer on the market and fixed it up. It was still run down and there were still some boards over glass-less windows, but it did look pretty nice on the inside. I got really comfortable there, and made it through middle and the beginnings of high school there.
Around my sophomore year of high school, I started getting teased for my weight. Yeah, everyone knows I’m uncomfortable with that word.
Even now, I have to watch what I eat; I hate it, makes me feel obsessive.
I can’t touch that snickers, by the way, had too many cookies at lunch. I move to my bed and lay down, letting sleep claim me before I can even think straight.
“KiJoon ah~ where you going?” SeungHyun asked.
“Nowhere,” KiJoon replied shadily. “Stay here Temp.” He ordered the younger man, and left.
SeungHyun wouldn’t have it, waiting a bit before silently following after his friend.
KiJoon stopped at an alley, eight shady-looking men standing in waiting.
“Do you have the money?” One of them asked KiJoon.
“I told you, I’ll get it to you as soon as I can.” KiJoon replied desperately.
“What? Pay with your body again? We’re done with you.” Another one growled.
SeungHyun let out a gasp and covered his mouth, looking up as a man came over to him and eyed him. SeungHyun swallowed loudly, frightened.
“Hey, boss, I found another one.”
“Tempo.” KiJoon breathed as he saw who they found.
“Let me go!” SeungHyun growled, pulling away as he was dragged into the circle. The one he could only assume was the boss gave him a once over before glancing to KiJoon, a smirk on his face.
“How about if we use your little friend as payment?” The man cooed, and KiJoon gasped something inaudible.
“KiJoon, what’s happening?” SeungHyun asked shakily.
The boss brought SeungHyun’s face to look up at him. “Such nice eyes,” He smirked, dragging a finger along the side of the young boy’s face. “Hold him down.” He ordered suddenly, motioning to both SeungHyun and KiJoon.
Two men held onto KiJoon, another soon joining as they saw him fighting back. “Tempo!” He called helplessly once he was caught.
SeungHyun tried to run, but was caught immediately.”This is why you need to stay in shape.” The man that caught him teased before undoing SeungHyun’s jeans. He tried to wiggle away only to be held down by two more men.
I shoot awake, suddenly feeling dizzy. I look through the medicine drawer for some Tylenol.
No one’s back yet.
I forgot middle school wasn’t the only reason I didn’t like my eyes.
And watched my weight.
That day, I was attacked by all five of the men. It’s not a time I particularly mean to remember, but sometimes it sneaks up on me. I swallow the Tylenol and collapse onto the couch. Not much time has passed since I went to sleep, but it got dark. I turn on the television to get some light in the house, but I’m not watching what’s on.
After that incident, KiJoon stopped doing drugs, and I got to my heaviest weight. I became so depressed all I did was sleep and eat. I actually missed a semester in school.
It’s why I’m still in college as a beginning graduate.
But I’ll continue to let everyone think it’s because I’m a celebrity and celebrities just don’t have time to finish school in four years.
I never went to a therapist about this. What would I tell them? I became tougher though. Started working out daily and began eating healthier (when I was done being depressed). KiJoon made me do a rape kit… thing. I don’t even remember the last two guys.
I fainted at the second guy. The boss.
But who knows, maybe those guys are in jail getting their own asses handed to them. I can hope, right?
The boss is the one that drove me insane. He kept talking to me. “You have beautiful eyes,” he kept repeating
Yeah, I hate my eyes.
My stomach suddenly hurts, and I debate taking Tums to go with the Tylenol. I squirm around uncomfortably a bit before going back to the medicine cabinet. I grab Tums and a couple sleeping pills, turn off the tv, and return to my room.
Which reminds me, that suicide rumor? My life was crap, yes, but no way in hell would I commit suicide.
Thanks for letting me know about it press; I appreciate knowing I tried to commit suicide. I will make sure to talk to myself later and lecture myself on the importance of being happy or whatever shit you want.
There was a point I debated suicide. But I’d never sink that low. When I was depressed, it was the worst few months of my life.
I don’t really know how I got out of it. I was coming out of the bathroom one day and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
Hair all over the place, SeungRi’s circles around my eyes, looking way too big to mention, and I just kind of went, “what am I doing?”
I returned to school the next semester a new person. I had lost a lot of weight and worked towards maintaining my appearance instead of not caring.
But there was always the sweater. And the shirt and the shirt and the tank top under the shirts.
Even now I’m getting more comfortable just wearing a shirt. I feel… naked, usually.
Show my stomach? Hell no.
The band teases me about wearing layers all the time. But it’s fun-teasing, not crude-teasing like in school.
“Gee TOP, wearing only one shirt? What’s the occasion?”
“It’s hot, STFU.”
During the summer, I’ve gotten better at wearing just a t-shirt. The winter, despite getting sick a gabillion and times every winter, I like better. I have an excuse to dress up in my tank top, long sleeve shirt, short sleeve shirt, sweater, and down jacket (in that order).
I’m letting myself get distracted, which I’m okay with. I allow myself to the snickers still on my desk, but first I tell myself if the sleeping pills have no effect, I’ll go to the gym later.
This doesn’t really count cause as soon I hit a pillow I’m usually out.
Ultimately and honestly, I don’t think I ever truly accepted what happened. KiJoon comforted me after the fact; food comforted me after the fact, and beat boxing comforted me after the fact.
KiJoon beat boxed with me. We both had a passion for it, and I learned rapping from him.
When YG found me, my sister found me again too. I shrugged her off and left her behind.
We’re in touch again, my sister and I. I have more appreciation for her, but she doesn’t know anything that happened to me after I left home. I can’t bring myself to talk to her about it; maybe it’s the bitterness of kindergarten still lingering.
The others come home and leader-sshi can tell I’m not being myself.
Our leader apparently got a crush on me as soon as I entered YG.
I tell him I’ll be fine and let him go off to his best friend(/lover? I seriously can’t tell what he and TaeYang are anymore).
Honestly, I’ve started to like the little leader.
My eyes drift to his arms, and “Moderato” is peeking up at me. What language was it again?
I know it means Tempo.
I munch on the snickers absent-mindedly, staring at him.
I’m okay with things now, I suppose.
I wonder how I’d be if I went to therapy?