Understanding.

[bigpapastalin]

I hate live journal

Since it won't let me post the whole thing I am going to have to post it in sections as comments.

Enjoy my ramblings.

As a warning to anyone that reads this. Sorry the formating blows I just really wanted to say this and since its late. And I am stubborn I was not going to let the stupidness that is Livejournal keep me from posting

Comments

[bigpapastalin]

I think I finally understand why there are so many movies about people finding their place in the world.

Why there are so many books about the lives that people live. About the choices people make.

People are not pessimistic by nature. They are not opptimistic by nature either. As I am typing this I am laughing at myself because I am not sure if anything I am about to type will make any sense or really even matter

[bigpapastalin]

From the 24 years of life I have seen I have seen beautiful things and I have seen terrible things much like everyone else my age. You would have to be blind, deaf, and dumb to not. But even those who are blind, deaf, and dumb have reached my age and have their own experinces.

These experinces some people tend to think make a difference and make a person what he is. Chunks of peoples lives are "wasted" on certain things. But honestly time is never wasted. Only spent or partitioned in ways that we deem nessicary to living. To say a man wasted his life only means that his life did not live up to your expectations.

[bigpapastalin]

I wouldn't go as far as saying I have wasted 24 years of my life or wasted anyone elses time. As they shouldn't have been "Spending" it on me anyway. but the accumulation of 24 years has left me in a void. A void that I am pondering right now as I am writing this at 4 am. I should be sleeping but I can't. I was up too late playing World of Warcraft which is a problem of its own but not exactly what I am writing about here.

Since I mentioned the subject I will get on that. World of Warcraft. It has sapped a year and a half of my life. Well two technically. But honestly was it wasted? What would I have done with those years if I had never played the game? I was on a massive depression from the break up with Leeann when I started and it helped me spend time with friends in a game that too my mind off it but it evolved into something completely different.

[bigpapastalin]

It changed from a way to get my mind off her to a way to get my mind off other things. This is the basics of an addiction I believe. Some people are addicted to Drugs, Alcohol, or violence. Mind you I am writing this as I am thinking so it might not all be clear. But what makes this addiction any different than the others? Someone doesn't die, someone doesn't get hurt, someone doesn't lose out big.

I think thats not true. I have lost. I have lost a lot. I have lost contact with friends. I have lost a lot of urges to go out and do stuff. I have lost a lot of muscle mass and skin tone. I have lost my sense of time. And most frightening to me I have lost myself

[bigpapastalin]

I guess this is kind of a call for help but its on an issue that only I can solve. Which makes matters worse since I seem to have developed a sort of anxiety towards action. The ease to escape into a fantasy world where you are someone different, someone improtant someone powerful is easy. Where as facing the realities of the real world is much tougher because changes there actually matter.

But this brings me back to my orignial problem. Reality. Some claim people are directed by divine beings. Some people believe in fate and destiny. What if you aren't those people? What if you believe in nothing. There is nothing after death, that there is no purpose to life but to live it