JB 2
One cold and windy night in December of 2003, while my family was busy putting their presents to each other under the Christmas tree, I was missing out on the festivities due to the excruciating pain in my abdomen that would not seem to go away. For the entire previous day I had been experiencing some mild discomfort but thought nothing of it
( Read more... )
Comments 1
You've got a really strong voice here: funny, honest, sarcastic and clever. Nice job.
I absolutely love the line: "It felt like I had been impregnated by one of the giant scorpions from Aliens". That really captures the discomfort and pain without having saying: "It was incredibly painful". You definitely "show, and don't tell" here.
I'd like to see more of that type of description throughout. I really wanted you to describe that "borderline torturesome home appendicitis test". I feel like you could've done a great job with that.
Keep this exercise in mind with all of your writing. The truth is in the details.... The details help build voice, originality and message. Instead of saying "it hurt" or "it was interesting" remember your "impregnation by the Alien scorpions." :)
Reply
Leave a comment