The Rick Tosca Timeline
1943: Richard M Tosca is born in Orangeburg, South Carolina. The son of Col. Amous Lionk Tosca and Marianne Treethburg. Col. Tosca would be killed a year later in The Battle of the Bulge.
1956: Rick Tosca and his mother Marianne move to Cocoa, Florida.
1961: Rick Tosca graduated from Cocoa High School as the State of Florida's all-time leading running back. In just three years of playing varsity football, Tosca accumulated nearly 7,500 rushing yards and 200 TDs. His rushing style was characterized by his insistance on going out of his way in order to hit a defensive player in his own words to "Lay them on their worthless rat asses." Despite being heavily recruited to play college football, Tosca went into the armed forces, joining the Marines after graduating high school.
1964 to 1969: Rick Tosca was deployed to Vietnam. He refuses to talk about his experiences in Vietnam but if his actions later in life are any indication, one can only imagine that this was the most excessively violent time of Tosca's life.
1970: Tosca encountered a bear in the wilderness while on a hiking excursion in Montana. Upset by the bear's interruption of his trip Tosca took action. The bear was found dead three days later with, what bear doctors have called, devastating pelvic injuries. It also appeared that four of the bears claws had been ripped out of it's paws, one of which had been stabbed into the bear's eye.
1972 to 1976: Rick Tosca fathered three sons with the wives of his "enemies." These boys were determined to be the only children to ever be born "genetically perfect," in every way. Tosca was also confirmed as beeing the first and only man to conceive a child via anal intercourse.
1978: Rick Tosca was on safari in Africa when his caravan was charged by an elephant. With the majority of the carvaners struck with fear Tosca exclaimed, "I'll take care of this." He exited the van and was able to ensnare the elephant by the tusk with his bare hands and rip the tusk from the animals skull. Confirmed the only man to kill an elephant in this fashion.
1982: Tosca working for the state department was invited to Moscow to meet with Soviet President Leonid Brezhnev. Negotiations broke down when Tosca delivered what would become known as "the freedom punch," a devastating right hook to Brezhnev's jaw which left the Soviet unconscious for several hours. This was covered up under the rouse of a stroke, the Soviet leader would relenquish his control of the Soviet Union later that year.
1986: Tosca wins an international moustache contest in Switzerland when the jusdges determined that all of his moustache hairs were exactly symmetrical and not a single split hair was found.
1990: Tosca would move from his home in Boca Raton, Florida to southern California to, "show the pacific who's boss."
1996: After a meeting with President Clinton, Tosca was quoted as saying, "Clinton is a cunt of immeasurable proportions, unworthy of licking the dust off my boots. That being said, I wouldn't vote to for Bob Dole if my life depended on it." Clinton would win re election by a landslide.
2000: Rick Tosca moved back to Florida to "settle the score with that bastard Atlantic!" He also claimed that an intense desire for his vote for George W. Bush be cast in Florida instead of California as a reason for this move.
2002: Tosca slaughtered a cow on his own in order to, "get a good cut of steak."
2006 to present: Rick Tosca has been defending rural villages in Northern India against Bengal tigers. His method of forcing the Tigers to submit via violent rectal penetration has been lauded as the most useful technique and there is serious buzz about him being a potential Nobel Peace Prize candidate.