Phone Call at 1 am
Hate. Hate is what has consumed me at this point. Hate not only for the one who hurt me, but hate for the one who convinced her that it was ok to leave. Hate for the one who has given her a bastard child. Hate for the wolf in sheep's clothing, as it is. Hate for the one who acted like my friend, then when I wasn't around, stabbed me in the back by taking my g/f at the time. I hate him but I should thank him. She drained me of who I was before I met her. She calloused my heart to the point that all I can think about is the physicalaty (sp?) of a relationship. There is no room in my heart to care about a female at this point of time. There is no sense or desire to give anything to someone. This pains me deeply because those of you who knew me way back when know that I was the one that you could come to and I would do anything to help make your situation better.
This rant comes from a long time of not writing about anything, just reading. I read what my friends write. I read about their lives, the parts that they share with me that is. I read about their problems wiht the opposite sex and their attempts to get the "perfect" mate. The more and more time goes on, I don't want a partner for the rest of my life. I don't want someone who I would lay all my stock in, just to have the potential there to lose everything again. Cause, see that's the way I feel a relationship needs to work. You have another person that after so long, you have given them everything about you to hold sacred. You have allowed them to be the keeper of everything about you in order to nurture, protect and cherish. The problem comes when the person you deem worthy of this honor is not worthy in the slightest. The problem is when they are not responsible, not caring, and inconsiderate. However, the majority of the time, when you give yourself to someone, that someone has all these characteristics. They are nurturing, they are protective, they do cherish everything about you and love every minute of being ther for you. Then something changes inside of them. Something happens to your lover or friend and they don't care any more, or little by little their commitment becomes slack. You are left with a dying relationship. At this point you have two choices. Either to ditch the relationship, move on before you get too hurt, and risk the possibility of your mate being hurt as well, or to work at the relationship with hope that the other partner has just relaxed in their role and is able to pick it back up where it once was. This also has two options, either you go down in flames and it just takes longer than the first option, is more painful to you, and causes more trauma, or the relationship grows and is stronger from this interaction. With these scenarios you have a 33% chance of salvage to the relationship. You must decide whether it is worth it or not to continue on. In my last experience, it was definitely NOT worth the time, effort, money, nor shed tears.
Some of you may be wondering why now, why after so long is he giving us this lengthy rant of dissatisfaction with the general dating world? It's simple. When you recieve a phone call at 1am on easter night, from your ex in order to tell you that her b/f that she left you for, moved to montana with, then came back and now has a 3 week old son with has thrown her out and she's back in town.... (which I knew she had a son by a dream that I had, just ask matt) and she just "needs a friend right now." I'm sorry, YOU NEEDING A FRIEND IS NONE OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS. YES I'M COLD, ESPECIALLY COLD TO YOU AT ONE IN THE DAMN MORNING WITH YOU TELLING ME YOU HAVE A 3 WEEK OLD SON WITH THE GUY WHO YOU LEFT ME FOR. DON'T ASK ME FOR YOUR STUFF, BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON THAT I STILL HAVE IT IS BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SPENT THE TIME TO BUILD A BONFIRE. NO YOU CAN'T HAVE IT. NO I WILL NOT BRING IT TO SOMEWHERE SO YOU CAN GET IT. NO I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. YES I DO KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I KNEW BEFORE I PICKED UP THE PHONE. WHY DID I PICK IT UP? I DON'T KNOW. WISH I HADN'T. I DID, THOUGH, STUPIDLY AND AM NOW TALKING TO YOU. MY STOMACH IS TWISTING IN KNOTS AND RAGE AND HATE ARE CHURNING IN MY STOMACH. IF I DIDN'T THINK THAT YOU WOULD ALSO FEEL THE SAME WAY I DO ABOUT YOUR NEW EX, I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU TO TELL HIM THAT IF I EVER SEE HIM I WOULD BEAT HIS FUCKING ASS WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE. BUT SINCE HE THREW YOU OUT, THEN YOU'D PROBABLY AGREE WITH ME, AND I DON'T WANT THAT.
I'm about over this. I think I want to move somewhere she doesn't know where I am. Somewhere she can't find me. Somewhere she can't follow or contact me in any way shape or form. She doesn't change, never has, never will. She said I tought her stuff. My response: Not enough. She thanked me for all I did for her. I told her she will be the last I give my all to. She said she was sorry. She blames herself. For good reason, too. She was the cause of my demise. Now I am coming back, in a better, more fun, happier me. I will not betray my friends as I once did. Not for a woman, at least. Alright, that's enough, till later. Peace.
This rant comes from a long time of not writing about anything, just reading. I read what my friends write. I read about their lives, the parts that they share with me that is. I read about their problems wiht the opposite sex and their attempts to get the "perfect" mate. The more and more time goes on, I don't want a partner for the rest of my life. I don't want someone who I would lay all my stock in, just to have the potential there to lose everything again. Cause, see that's the way I feel a relationship needs to work. You have another person that after so long, you have given them everything about you to hold sacred. You have allowed them to be the keeper of everything about you in order to nurture, protect and cherish. The problem comes when the person you deem worthy of this honor is not worthy in the slightest. The problem is when they are not responsible, not caring, and inconsiderate. However, the majority of the time, when you give yourself to someone, that someone has all these characteristics. They are nurturing, they are protective, they do cherish everything about you and love every minute of being ther for you. Then something changes inside of them. Something happens to your lover or friend and they don't care any more, or little by little their commitment becomes slack. You are left with a dying relationship. At this point you have two choices. Either to ditch the relationship, move on before you get too hurt, and risk the possibility of your mate being hurt as well, or to work at the relationship with hope that the other partner has just relaxed in their role and is able to pick it back up where it once was. This also has two options, either you go down in flames and it just takes longer than the first option, is more painful to you, and causes more trauma, or the relationship grows and is stronger from this interaction. With these scenarios you have a 33% chance of salvage to the relationship. You must decide whether it is worth it or not to continue on. In my last experience, it was definitely NOT worth the time, effort, money, nor shed tears.
Some of you may be wondering why now, why after so long is he giving us this lengthy rant of dissatisfaction with the general dating world? It's simple. When you recieve a phone call at 1am on easter night, from your ex in order to tell you that her b/f that she left you for, moved to montana with, then came back and now has a 3 week old son with has thrown her out and she's back in town.... (which I knew she had a son by a dream that I had, just ask matt) and she just "needs a friend right now." I'm sorry, YOU NEEDING A FRIEND IS NONE OF MY FUCKING BUSINESS. YES I'M COLD, ESPECIALLY COLD TO YOU AT ONE IN THE DAMN MORNING WITH YOU TELLING ME YOU HAVE A 3 WEEK OLD SON WITH THE GUY WHO YOU LEFT ME FOR. DON'T ASK ME FOR YOUR STUFF, BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON THAT I STILL HAVE IT IS BECAUSE I HAVEN'T SPENT THE TIME TO BUILD A BONFIRE. NO YOU CAN'T HAVE IT. NO I WILL NOT BRING IT TO SOMEWHERE SO YOU CAN GET IT. NO I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. YES I DO KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I KNEW BEFORE I PICKED UP THE PHONE. WHY DID I PICK IT UP? I DON'T KNOW. WISH I HADN'T. I DID, THOUGH, STUPIDLY AND AM NOW TALKING TO YOU. MY STOMACH IS TWISTING IN KNOTS AND RAGE AND HATE ARE CHURNING IN MY STOMACH. IF I DIDN'T THINK THAT YOU WOULD ALSO FEEL THE SAME WAY I DO ABOUT YOUR NEW EX, I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU TO TELL HIM THAT IF I EVER SEE HIM I WOULD BEAT HIS FUCKING ASS WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE. BUT SINCE HE THREW YOU OUT, THEN YOU'D PROBABLY AGREE WITH ME, AND I DON'T WANT THAT.
I'm about over this. I think I want to move somewhere she doesn't know where I am. Somewhere she can't find me. Somewhere she can't follow or contact me in any way shape or form. She doesn't change, never has, never will. She said I tought her stuff. My response: Not enough. She thanked me for all I did for her. I told her she will be the last I give my all to. She said she was sorry. She blames herself. For good reason, too. She was the cause of my demise. Now I am coming back, in a better, more fun, happier me. I will not betray my friends as I once did. Not for a woman, at least. Alright, that's enough, till later. Peace.